back to article Snake-fondling blonde nude punts Polish coffins

The Polish tentacle of the Catholic church is less than impressed with a local coffin-making outfit which punts its wares by draping disrobed women across its caskets. The 2013 Lindner calendar (NSFW) features a series of provocative images, including Miss March - presumably called Eve, and who's apparently been beamed onto …

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  1. Charles Smith

    Elvens Afety

    While I realise the young lady needs to protect her modesty, allowing a Burmese Python to totally encircle her neck is a bit risqué. Fortunately though there is a coffin conveniently placed in the room.

    1. frank ly
      Happy

      Re: Elvens Afety

      You're getting confused between 'risky' and 'risqué, which is perfectly understandable in this situation.

      I'm not an expert, but if you run your eyes along the sinuous and slender body of the python, you will notice the gently undulating curves of its slender body, which may indicate that it has been regularly fed in the recent past, to make it calm and languid.

      1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        Re: Elvens Afety

        The trick is to keep the snake chilled. As it is obvious that it was cold in the room during the shoot, I am sure the model was in no danger.

    2. fishman

      Re: Elvens Afety

      Our boa is about as big as that young Burm (full grown female Burms get as long as 18 feet), and it isn't dangerous to circle the neck like that. But too much bigger, and it would be a problem.

    3. Swedish Chef
      Trollface

      Judging by the "girl"'s face...

      ...the python might just have been put there to hide "her" Adam's apple and crotch bulge.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Judging by the "girl"'s face...

        Still would though, either way.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex"

      A shame no-one told Jimmy Savile that.

  2. Gordon 10 Silver badge
    Gimp

    good lord

    having just watched the video - no wonder coffins and funerals cost so much.

  3. Pete the not so great
    Happy

    hem

    one for later

    1. Lars Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: hem

      Perhaps, but I think the coffin is too short, newer mind, though.

  4. g e
    WTF?

    Beautiful Polish women?

    But.. She looks like Pete Burns....

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: Beautiful Polish women?

      Lip job sponsored by Goodyear?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Beautiful Polish women?

        Was thinking the poor girl might have been stung in the face by a bee and entering the first stages of anaphylactic shock.

    2. Steve Hosgood

      Re: Beautiful Polish women?

      On the other hand, if you want to see what a real beautiful Polish woman can look like, check out Strictly Come Dancing's Ola Jordan. (Sadly, she's been booted out from this year's series already. )

    3. zanto
      Facepalm

      Re: Beautiful Polish women?

      it's subjective.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Beautiful Polish women?

        +1 for the hot Slavic coffin lady. Vive la difference! At least she doesn''t look like Bridget Jones....

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Beautiful Polish women?

      Never mind Burns or the Catholic church. If you have been around the continent long enough you will recognise this as something made for predominantly German consumption.

      I have a whole raft of (fairly decent actually) German made "road" or "bedtime" mixes on CDs from the noughties I bought for ~ .99c each off some fire sales (guitar instrumentals, hard rock mixes, etc). Most of these have the _SAME_ visual style for their booklets and sleeves. There this will not even raise an eyebrow or warrant a move to the upper shelf.

      By the way, the picture "quoted" by el-reg is one of the worst in the calendar. Some of the others are considerably higher level (from the art perspective). Example: http://calendarlindner.com/images/2013/big7.jpg or http://calendarlindner.com/images/2013/big1.jpg (second one NSFW, first one will pass most moral police limitations).

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    50% return rate expected

    "What do you mean you can't get the lid to stay shut?"

  6. TheProf
    Childcatcher

    SHOCKED!

    Good lord! That woman has nipples under those ElReg stickers.

    Nipples! It's the end of civilisation as we know it.

    1. Crisp Silver badge

      Re: SHOCKED!

      I thought that it was a bit of paid for advertisement by El Reg.

      I think that it's a bit late to try and cover up the fact that people have nipples.

      1. Code Monkey

        Re: SHOCKED!

        "I think that it's a bit late to try and cover up the fact that people have nipples."

        If only the church would realise this.

      2. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: SHOCKED!

        "I think that it's a bit late to try and cover up the fact that people have nipples."

        and Navels.

        1. Crisp Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: SHOCKED!

          NAVELS!

          Everyone has one of those?

          You sir, have warped my fragile little mind.

          1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

            Re: SHOCKED!

            >NAVELS!

            >Everyone has one of those?

            Except presumably Eve (and Adam)

          2. Michael Dunn
            Headmaster

            Re: SHOCKED!

            "NAVELS!

            Everyone has one of those?"

            Yes, according to a very large number of painters, even Adam and Eve had them, though what purpose they would have served remains a mystery.

      3. Turtle

        @Crisp: Re: SHOCKED!

        "I think that it's a bit late to try and cover up the fact that people have nipples."

        Well in that case, why not see if you can get The Register to remove the "NSFW" tag? Because the logic being applied to the Church in this matter fits The Register just as well.

        1. Code Monkey
          Gimp

          Re: @Crisp: SHOCKED!

          NSFW is not a moral (real or otherwise) judgement - it just depends on how puritanical/bored the BOFHs in charge of the smut filters are.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: @Crisp: SHOCKED!

            it just depends on how puritanical/bored the BOFHs in charge of the smut filters are

            Well said. It should really, in most cases here, be PNSFW (P for Potentially).

            IMHO it's a fair warning to use caution when opening in the workplace, not a values judgment.

            1. zanto
              Go

              Re: @Crisp: SHOCKED!

              Turtle called it right.

              Slapping a "NSFW" tag on the article is a tacit agreement that it could be offensive.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: covered nipples.

      If her nipples are anything like that botox explosion on the front of her face, be glad they are covered!

  7. hugo tyson
    Holmes

    2012 Body-paint

    Previous years were pretty hot too, it seems; but no objection? Do we take it that body-paint-only is OK with the Church of Rome?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 2012 Body-paint

      She's past her teens, too old for the church of rome contingent

      1. Arctic fox

        Re: 2012 Body-paint

        Wrong gender for them as well.

        1. sabba
          FAIL

          Re: 2012 Body-paint

          @Artic fox - going on the photo, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Think there's a chance that she's a CIAF but without the frock!!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A bigger hit than..

    their bestial necrophiliac fetish calendar.

    That was like flogging a dead horse

  9. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Caflic chuch says its innapropriate

    Wot cant see the connection between coffins and stiffs?

  10. xyz

    she can sit on my coffin any day

    Are the El Reg stickers on her nipples to guarantee freshness of product?

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: she can sit on my coffin any day

      Fresh?

      If other parts are anything to go by - there's a fair bit of her that would not be labelled as 'organic' (though I guess Botox is organic)

      1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

        Re: she can sit on my coffin any day

        The stickers on the nipples are there to stop her deflating.

  11. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Devil

    insisted that "human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex".

    The Catholic church is, again, getting nudity confused with sex. Will it ever learn?

    1. Martin 37

      Re: "The Catholic church is, again, getting nudity confused with sex. Will it ever learn?"

      Yes, I agree. In fact I prefer to get dressed up in long purple robes and carry a sceptre when I fancy a shag.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "The Catholic church is, again, getting nudity confused with sex. Will it ever learn?"

        > fancy a shag.

        That's *so* 1970's. Everyone's going for Parquet these days.

  12. Smallbrainfield

    Nice legs,

    shame about the face.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nice legs,

      Size 16 feet.

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Nice legs,

      Umm. I had to go back and check, hadn't looked at the face before.

      Yeah, I know, I know.

  13. Gordon Pryra

    Good old Church

    2012 and they still are unable to understand their hot air just creates a massive amount of media interest in what they are currently being stupid about.

    retards the lot of them tbh (this is multi-faith btw!! insert any idiot claiming to believe in a divine being from any religion)

    1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Deliberate Streisand Effect?

      I thought the mock horror was an attempt to slow the church's continuing slide into irrelevance.

    2. Adze
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: Good old Church

      Down with this sort of thing!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Spoilt by.....

    EL Reg stickers on Nipples.

    Whats wrong with you guys? Since when have you become such prudish killjoys?

    1. Neil Woolford
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Spoilt by.....

      Some poor sods work in places where any display of nipples on computer is considered to be an HR department matter...

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Spoilt by.....

      > Since when have you become such prudish killjoys?

      Since this:

      http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/11/06/apple_censors_apple_censored_naked_hippies/

      1. Michael Dunn
        Alert

        Re: Spoilt by.....

        "http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/11/06/apple_censors_apple_censored_naked_hippies/"

        There's a really shocking picture on that url - she looks far too young to be smoking!

  15. AndrueC Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    "human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex"

    This might be news to the Catholic Church but traditionally you can't have a death without someone first having had sex.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
      Stop

      At least one part of the Catholic Church makes a lot of fuss every Easter about a death that supposedly wasn't preceeded by sex.

      1. AndrueC Silver badge
        Go

        Yeah but they are pretty specific about how in that one rare instant sex wasn't involved.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          sex wasn't involved.

          Honestly, Dad, we just cuddled. He got a bit excited, but I swear I never let him put it in me. It must have been, I dunno, God or someone.

  16. NoneSuch Silver badge
    Joke

    Can't wait for the cremation calender. Now they will be HOT.

  17. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Happy

    Buried in the news

    I once had to bury a Lutheran priest , literally with a spade, Can I claim a free choirboy calender from the Vatican?

    1. Tubs
      Trollface

      Re: Buried in the news

      I'm glad you added 'calendar' to that sentence.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Has anyone done a stiffy joke yet?

  19. Crisp Silver badge

    Coffins haven't been this sexy since vampires were invented.

    I'm normally against plastering half naked women all over stuff to sell it. But this works for me.

    If anything is going to take the sting out of having to buy a coffin, this is.

    1. Surreal
      Happy

      Re: Coffins haven't been this sexy since vampires were invented.

      Truly, those are to die for.

      I'll be here all week, etc.

  20. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    WTF?

    Hmmmmm.

    Yeah, I know I've been guilty of saying "sex sells" in the past, but this may be the exception. I'm not really sure any grieving individual trying to pick out a coffin for a beloved member of their family is going to be in the right frame of mind to be tempted by a nudie calendar. Pirelli's calendar I can understand, it will be hung in workshops where greasy male mechanics will lear at it, but you expect that from workshop staff. I would not expect the director of a funeral parlour to behave in the same manner.

  21. Harry the Bastard

    let me be the first to say, that, i, for one, welcome our ophidian draped overlady

  22. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Forget about the snake

    Is that a comet heading for North America? And the Moon does seem a bit too close, not to say of Mars where the setting for the picture apparently is...

  23. BlueGreen

    Not good

    Not sure I want to agree with catholics on anything, but

    <http://calendarlindner.com/images/2013/big7.jpg> shows a woman dragging coffins away from a sinking ship (tasteless)

    <http://calendarlindner.com/images/2013/big8.jpg> shows something nasty that if a bloke was shown doing to a woman... decide for yourself. She's holding a kind of 3-bladed knife, to match the cuts.

    <http://calendarlindner.com/images/2013/big11.jpg> is some chick ripping some organ out through a hole in a guy's chest.

    I don't like violence and I really, really don't like it mixed with associations/intimations of sex.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not good

      Really? For me, consensual violence is the only acceptable kind.

      (Safe, sane, consensual.. gives you a lot of scope)

      1. BlueGreen

        Re: Not good - @AC 17:03 GMT

        You raise a valid and difficult point. Perhaps I may counter by saying that of course anything consensual is ok by definition, but if it is consensual violence then in my eyes it is not violence but rough play, however rough that may be.

        That risks just being a matter of semantics, I grant.

        So images of blood & injury...? We know they aren't as they appear here but people may recognise it as acceptable (they aren't real) yet still find it distasteful (which is why your kind of BDSM/violence/rough play is fine but I don't want it's imagery in the streets) but it may be disturbing to children who would not understand the context of it. I know as a kid I would have (yes, think of the children, please forgive me this once).

        Separately I do not want sex being used to sell things unrelated to sex. It devalues sex.

        .

        I think I stepped on a minefield here...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Not good - @AC 17:03 GMT

          BlueGreen,

          I don't know, it's still violence- though sometimes there is a "safeword". If you've asked someone physically stronger than you, or skilled in martial arts to beat you down, then the violence can be very real indeed- even if you asked/begged for it. They might be trying to not to kill you, but that doesn't make the strikes, chokes and general beatdowns any less.. real.

          The image that you objected to, of the restrained man with deep bleeding cuts.. well, that's also not so unusual with some folks. Without burdening you with upsetting details, I have been restrained physically while my then partner got up to no good with a large hunting knife- which she found even more mind-shattering than I did, I think.

          It probably does end up as a matter of semantics though, I agree.

          That said, I think we might be secretly agreeing in the appropriateness or lack thereof of this on a calendar- unless it was a very.. specialist feelthy one, which wasn't hung anywhere likely to upset people with a legitimate reason to see it. I also think that

          "I do not want sex being used to sell things unrelated to sex. It devalues sex."

          ..is an excellent point, and well made. However much of a freak/pervert you are or aren't, this is seems like an excellent sentiment.

          In any case, notional hat tip to you, sir/madam, for a reasonable and reasoned response. Who'd have thunk it, around here?

    2. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: Not good

      "shows a woman dragging coffins away from a sinking ship (tasteless)"

      Agree. She should be dragging it towards the ship!

      "She's holding a kind of 3-bladed knife, to match the cuts."

      That's called Hell, man. It's not supposed to be a walk in the park!

      "is some chick ripping some organ out through a hole in a guy's chest"

      But if it's done on CSI NY, it's OK then, right? Isn't it a typical double standard?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not good

      You really are missing the religious view point of sin and death. Haven't you ever peered into the eyes of your demons? No tours of hell? HHOS

  24. Player_16
    Angel

    She gives a new meaning to...

    "Gold Digger"

  25. Velv Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    On a side note

    Now I know they're doing it for charity, and its probably quite respectable, but the thought did cause me a monetary shudder... This morning I went for coffee and a bacon roll and was offered a copy of the Greggs Calendar Girls 2013 Calendar.

    10 out of 10 for helping Children In Need

  26. This Side Up
    IT Angle

    And the IT angle is?

    Oh, forget it!

  27. Kurt 5
    Paris Hilton

    Casting Casket

    I'm sure selection of the models for these shoots was interesting.

  28. Velv Silver badge
    FAIL

    El Reg FAIL

    So the article was marked NSFW.

    And the picture was edited with Vultures to be on the safe side.

    BUT

    The article is then added to the Spotlight feature on the homepage with a section of cropped picture that doesn't include the vultures making the ENTIRE El Reg homepage TOTALLY NSFW!

    Hence why I'm posting this from my personal tablet. But more please.

  29. Euripides Pants Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Duh...

    "Why are people afraid of coffins and not of business suits, cosmetics or jewellery?"

    Because we don't stuff dead bodies in them.

    1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
      Meh

      Re: Duh...

      ".....Because we don't stuff dead bodies in them." Unfortunately, I have come across plenty of suits that are dead from the neck up.

      1. Euripides Pants Silver badge

        Re: Duh...

        Yup, Your statement and mine are both true :}

  30. Steady Eddy
    Joke

    Well...

    She can fondle my snake any day!

    Boom boom!

  31. Bad Beaver
    Facepalm

    Cannot be unseen

    I had to check all the older calendars for good measure … but I still cannot decide which one features the worst PS-desasters.

  32. Oninoshiko

    I don't know about the whole calander

    but the only thing I find offensive about that image was apparently they used a mannequin rather then a women.

    Seriously though, I don't think she could look more plastic (and no, that's not attractive).

    1. Steven Roper
      Go

      Re: I don't know about the whole calander

      Actually it looked to me very like a DAZ|Studio / Poser render, in fact the face reminded me a lot of FRAD's models for Victoria 4 sold on Renderosity . I've rendered better pictures than that with Cinema4D!

      Definitely Uncanny Valley material there.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    She's ugly

    as sin.

    but Polish catholic church is so... hopelessly out of touch with the yentl effect, I almost feel pity for them. And that's a lot said by a Pole...

  34. tekHedd
    Pint

    Degrading!!!

    This objectifies snakes, and I find that offensive. They should all be put in jail.

    1. Irony Deficient

      Re: Degrading?

      Why should the snakes be put in jail?

    2. cortland

      Re: Degrading!!!

      Too hard to handcuff snake's, mate.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex"

    Not only are they getting nudity mixed up with sex, they didn't read the Bible: Eve ate the fruit (apple in this photo) because the snake said it was a good idea, and she eventually died (coffin). Pretty cool if you ask me. Don't like the idea of death? Talk to Eve about it.

  36. Herby
    Coat

    Oh,

    ...to be a snake.

    (I couldn't resist!)

  37. Malcolm Boura

    Censors

    Has El Reg become a censor? Those pasties send completely the wrong message. Does El Reg support the body-attitudes that result in such appalling outcomes? It is social irresponsibility.

  38. Phil W
    Childcatcher

    Screw the article.....

    Has anyone noticed you can see a very small amount of nipple on the thumbnail picture for this article on the front page?

    As per icon "Won't someone think of the children!"?

    Seriously tho Reg, either show us or don't, teasing is unfair.

  39. Albert Hall

    There's a coffin in that pic?

    Well, so there is! I must have been distracted by her humungous, um, snake.

  40. cortland

    Juxtaposition three ayem, eh?

    Snake-fondling blonde Man who put the manhood

    nude punts Polish coffins into the Speaking Clock

    The time is WHAT?

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