back to article Experts troll 'biggest security mag in the world' with DICKish submission

Security researchers have taken revenge on a publishing outlet that spams them with requests to write unpaid articles – by using a bogus submission to satirise the outlet's low editorial standards. Hakin9 rather grandly bills itself as the "biggest IT security magazine in the world", published for 10 years, and claims to have …


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  1. b b
    Thumb Up


    I am going to use this when I make my next presentation to the board about IT spend!

    Guaranteed funding :)

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I bet d***s against c***s

    that in reply to your request for a comment, you will receive a request to come up with an article on their latest dicks.

    p.s. as it's Friday, there's no greater ill-pleasure then to watch a "business" burying itself furiously with such legal threats. Perhaps it's a proof this Hakin9 is run by humans, not bots, as they are capable of learning from past case studies :)

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: I bet d***s against c***s

      Bunch of Wide Area Network Key Engineering Response Specialists.

      1. Rob Beard
        Thumb Up

        Re: I bet d***s against c***s

        I'm going to make that my new job title :-)


  3. Gordon 8


    Planetary Scale Cluster

    I want one.....

    Well done to those who wrote this, one of the best reads in ages.. Was the BOFH involved??? sounds like hakin9 might be one of his little money making schemes

  4. FartingHippo

    Great graphs

    The charts are funny too:

    Title: The 10th-percentile latency of NMAP, as a function of popularity of IPv7

    y-axis units: PDF

    x-axis units: energy (GHz).


  5. Steve Crook


    "Furthermore, we reduced the effective tape drive throughput of our stochastic overlay network. Similarly, we tripled the effective floppy disk space of our Internet-2 overlay"

    Once something has been done it all seems so obvious, and I'm just left wondering why no-one thought of this earlier. No doubt Apple have already patented it, and I look forward to the day that Apple include this marvellous advance in their iPhone. Shortly followed by the Samsung lawsuit.

  6. mark 63 Silver badge

    cool!, but depressing

    Thats pretty cool, but its not that surprising a freeloading site like that was fooled

    I was more amazed by the

    "generates random Computer Science research papers"

    mentioned in the article - those guys submitted similar bullshit to conferences and even delivered talks in person!

    I know a lot of people on a lot more money than me who couldnt spot one of theses articles to save their life - in fact being highly paid seems to be a prerequisite - it means your watching people work ( aka managing or supervising) rather than doing it , therefore no need to actually know anything.

    1. Joe Drunk

      Re: cool!, but depressing

      I take offense to that remark about managing/supervising. Well OK not really, like I give a rat's ass what anybody here or anywhere thinks of me. Some of us started as techs but it is true that you're just a glorified babysitter for those reporting to you and but-kiss/liar to those you report to.,2622/

      Parody yes but not far from the truth.

      Beer icon because it's Friday and nearing that time!

    2. Kirbini

      Management IQ

      The last place I worked we would throw a funeral wake for anyone promoted from front lines to management to mourn the IQ points they were going to be lost.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Freaking Users Can Keep On Freezing Files


  8. Thomas 4

    Not a bad article

    But I preffered their one about Penetrating Encrypted Networks In Secret.

    1. Pigeon

      I didn't read it fully, but...

      Does this have to use the Completely Underground Network Tunnel?

      --Basil Brush

      1. LaeMing Silver badge

        Re: I didn't read it fully, but...

        A small portion of the population claim they prefer to use the Asyncronus Networked Underground Systems. Not my own preferred interface method, but ... whatever works for them.

  9. Cliff

    2600 want free articles too

    But then 2600 also edit them for content and relevance and produce a darn fine mag.

    Oh, and send you 4 issues for your trouble.

    1. Rob - Denmark

      Re: 2600 want free articles too

      "Oh, and send you 4 issues for your trouble."

      So not exactly 'free' then?

      1. mark 63 Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: 2600 want free articles too

        wow just looked that up . not only is the mag still around, its printed and put on news stands.

        can you belive it!


        on paper!

  10. Pete 2 Silver badge

    How to tell a security specialist

    > these security specialists are regularly spammed with requests to submit articles

    Surely any self-respecting (or even slightly competent) security "specialist" would never do anything as naive as giving out a real email address to an online publication?

  11. GettinSadda

    My favourite quote:

    "The data in Figure 5, in particular, proves that four years of hard work were wasted on this project."

    1. LaeMing Silver badge

      Re: My favourite quote:

      It's little things like that that give the article the gloss of credibility.

      1. Jonathan Richards 1


        No, absolutely no credibility. That one sentence should have given it away: every fule kno that data are plural.

    2. Peter Murphy

      There are some absolute crackers in there.

      NMAP is elegant; so, too, must be our implementation. Our heuristic is composed of a collection of shell scripts, a homegrown database, and a server daemon. Continuing with this rationale, the homegrown database contains about 2371 instructions of SQL. Along these same lines, NMAP requires root access in order to allow B-trees. The code- base of 64 C files contains about 69 instructions of C.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just class :)

    "Our experiments soon proved that exokernelizing our fuzzy Knesis keyboards was more effective than making autonomous them, as previous work suggested."

  13. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

    Now, can we try this attack on the patent system?

    1. Chris 3

      Attacks such as this are launched every day. Quite a few succeed, sadly.

    2. TheRealRoland

      Too late for that

      I think apple already beat you, by submitting the patent request for shaking the iphone / ipad to do certain things.

      Wonder if they incorporated WANK in that document?

    3. ja

      Thanks a bunch smart-*ss

      You have just invented the artificial lawyer (note to self, find words with mnemonic DILDO*). Apple will have more monety than there is matter in the gravitational complexity model. By Jove, I think he's got it!

      * I live ten miles south of 'South Dildo, NL, Canada.'

  14. heyrick Silver badge

    The way of the world...

    They got punked, now they're screaming lawyers. Typical. Although I suspect the threats are "unspecified" as there is little they can devise that doesn't translate to "we were twats".

    As for the article, some fine bull. Brilliant.

  15. Zobbo
    Thumb Up


    "Unlike other authors, we have decided not to enable time since 1967 [20]."

    I was in tears after reading that line. Also "bogomips" and "flip-flop gates" had me going. Great stuff.

    1. Deebster

      But bogomips and flip-flop gates are real things

      BogoMIPS are Linus Torvald's fairly vague speed measure used in the Linux kernel for when time-based delays are too long.

      And Flip-flop Gates:

      The time line is definitely one of the best, although I was really tickled by "NMAP requires root access in order to allow B-trees" for some reason.

  16. nichomach
    Thumb Up

    One assumes that

    in response to their lawyering up, Lyon will suggest that they eat a whole bag of DICKS...

  17. BenDwire

    7TB USB Key?

    We may snigger now, but it will be reality soon enough.

    Anyone else old enough to remember laughing at Hyacinth Bucket putting her milk bottles through the dishwasher? Who'd have imagined back then that we'd be forced to wash baked bean tins too!

    1. TheRealRoland

      Re: 7TB USB Key?

      Bouquet, dear. Bouquet.

    2. ja

      Re: 7TB USB Key?

      That's bouquet!

  18. Joe Drunk

    Now this is a Friday article!!

    Well done El Reg!!!

  19. John G Imrie Silver badge

    No mention of GlaDOS

    and where's my CaKe hOLe

  20. g e

    Not forgetting

    Completely Uniform Network Topology

    Terabit Wan Access Technology

    Wide Area Network Knowledge Enterprise Resource System

    Secure Haptic Interface Touchscreens

    for a few ;o)

  21. BoldMan

    "our heuristic prevents metamorphic epistemologies"

    is almost as good as the Rockwell Turbo Encabulator's "sinusoidal depleneration"!

    Can't wait to include some of this in my next Functional Design Document!

  22. Why Not?

    oh excellent, virtual beer on tap!

    Surely they need to follow up with

    Mapping Universal Ping Pathways Exercising Tangential Sources

    Sourcing Periodical Articles Morally.

    Utilising Spamming

    Liberating Osi Structure Exponetially and Recursive Selection

  23. bill 36

    Credibility right down the pan

    They compound the felony by not being able to spell properly either and continue it....

    cheking :>)

  24. MissingSecurity

    Hakin9 obviously f-ed up...

    but I still like reading it. I understand not wanting to be spammed left and right, but hell this is the same community that says we need to be sharing more. I guess I'll have to read that one in full since I havn''t yet.

  25. Digininja

    Hakin9 - Spam Kings

    As the nmap guys were writing their article I was also writing my own about how I've been being spammed by the Hakin9 team for the past 3 years.

    To the message above this, it isn't about the sharing it is about the constant nagging to write articles. I write articles which I publish for free on my own site, I am not interested in writing for Hakin9 and have been telling them for the last 3 years but they just won't listen.

    1. Drewc (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Hakin9 - Spam Kings

      Hey there, Mr Digininja, fancy writing on our site!

  26. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

      Re: Flesch Readability Score

      You probably shouldn't include the code sections and references when using a formula meant for English sentences.

  27. raving angry loony

    So Hakin9 is a high tech version of the Huffington Post? Good to know.

  28. Peter Mylward

    This is Brilliant!

    Unlike other authors, we have decided not to enable time since 1967;

    Emulation of Semaphores


  29. David Pollard

    Oh the delights

    References to sources such as, "Journal of xxx, yyy zzz" bring back happy memories of writing a tabloid headline generator in BASIC on a Tandy TRS80.

  30. Unicornpiss Silver badge


    Clearly the article on D.I.C.K.S. was talking about a security penetration tool, while the followup article will be talking about setting up honeypots...

  31. Lukin Brewer

    The funniest line IMO:

    "I hope that you will enjoy reading this issue as much as the authors enjoyed writing their articles."

  32. streaky Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    Low Bar

    I wanted to play this game with 9/11 troofers but never plucked up the courage. Just write something so ridiculous no sane person would ever think it was legitimate and watch the magic unfold.

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