back to article Perth porkfest crowned ULTIMATE BACON SARNIE

It's official: "The A90 Behemoth" is the ultimate bacon sarnie, according to our pork-loving gourmet readers. The pinnacle of pork perfection was put forward by Neil Cardy and, against a plethora of porcine-rich peers, was picked in our public poll. Cardy, who tucked into the mega-butty at The Horn cafe on the A90 between …

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  1. Isendel Steel
    Coat

    Oh Noes Another Church ??

    Will it co-exist peacefully with the Pastafarians

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Oh Noes Another Church ??

      No worries: Pasta and bacon go together very well (witness spaghetti alla carbonara)

      1. SuperTim
        Angel

        Re: Oh Noes Another Church ??

        Sign me up!

        Comestibles - Chapter 1: Verses 1 to 3

        And lo, on the seventh day, God said "Consume ye not the unruminate cloven devil as when unprepared it is unclean, but save ye-selves by serving it sliced thinly and crisply smoked atop leavened sliced white bread product, and achieve one-ness with Me by slathering it with copious amounts of heavenly brown sauce"

        And on that day, non-believers took to the streets with their Ketchup and Mayonnaise and with their bagels and other manner of unholy pretenders and they were struck down by the true believers!

        And it came to pass that the land was separated by those chosen for their wisdom and the other of which we should not speak.

        (Disclaimer)

        All deities appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to other deities, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

    2. Shagbag
      Thumb Up

      Vertical Bacon Sandwich

      Rotate it 90 degrees and the A90 Behemoth looks very much like a VBS (Vertical Bacon Sandwich).

      But "the Classic Jumbo" really takes the cake as the one that resembles most a VBS. At least the ones you see on the internet.

  2. Dave the Cat
    Thumb Up

    Not what I voted for, but a worthy winner none-the-less!

    Stuck in work with no access to pork at present. Why is there never a bacon sarnie around when you want one? Mmmm Bacon.....

    1. Hieronymus Howerd

      Heh heh he

      "Horn"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Heh heh he

        "Pork horn"

  3. JDX Gold badge

    Ugh

    That bacon looks over-fatty to me, and too much of it!

    Not had a toasted BS for ages though, tempting.

    1. Matthew Anderson

      Re: Ugh

      That will be because it is streaky bacon and that lovely crispy looking fat on it has been cooked to puuuurfection and adds a little thing called FLAVOUR. As bacon cooking goes, that first image is a stunning example :-)

  4. thenim
    Unhappy

    Why always on Fridays around lunch time??

    Especially when there is no chance of getting a bacon sarnie where I am....

  5. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

    How did pork

    ...ever beat fish?

    1. stucs201

      Re: How did pork

      Fish?!

      Does this mean we need to start this whole thing off again to determine the ultimate fish finger sandwhich?

      Fish Fingers: Battered/Breadcrumbs? How many?

      Sauce: None/Red/Brown/Mayo?

      Bread: White/Brown?

      Butter: Yes/No?

      1. Gazareth

        Re: How did pork

        Breadcrumbs, Red, White, No.

        And now that's done, we can talk Super Noodle sandwiches.

        I'll start with... Bacon flavour :)

        1. stucs201

          Re: How did pork

          Cod/haddock?

      2. keith_w
        Angel

        Re: How did pork

        Next thing you know there'll be a chip buttie contest!

    2. Graham Bartlett

      Re: How did pork

      You don't beat fish. You beat the batter, then you dip the fish in the batter, then you fry the fish. Then you eat the fish.

      Although that's still a process which is perfected by the presence of pig products. So mine's a battered sausage and chips, no vinegar, thanks.

  6. Tegne
    Pint

    #1 and #2 look divine

    #3 looks like the reheated microwave nastiness from sandwich shops.

    1. SuperTim
      Happy

      Re: #1 and #2 look divine

      Thanks. I was going for divine.

  7. Florence

    I'd missed the voting round - and all those pictures. The Behemoth definitely seems like a worthy winner to me.

    The oddest thing was how few entries used a classic breadroll. White sandwich bread is what you use if nothing else is on hand.

    Also if you toast bread, you get a bacon toastie, not a sandwich. And while I like a muffin or bagel with bacon and eggs too, this doesn't qualify as a bacon sarnie either. This is definitely reflected in the voting, so it can't be just me. Bacon sandwich = bread + bacon, butter and sauce optional.

    1. Neil Brown

      > I like a muffin or bagel with bacon and eggs too, this doesn't qualify as a bacon sarnie either

      And there was me thinking I might have brought muffin-based enlightenment to the cheap white bread scoffing masses...

      ;)

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fuck this.

    I'm off to the sandwich shop.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Courier with a plastic pig

    Here is the actual page with a photo of the boss holding a plastic pig, lest the good people of Central-Eastern Scotland dinnae ken whir Pork comes frae.

    http://www.thecourier.co.uk/News/article/25225/no-butties-the-horn-restaurant-near-dundee-bring-homes-the-bacon-in-online-poll.html

    The Courier was that type of "funeral buffet" paper when I lived in Fife, leading to this response from an elderly porter I worked with - "Hows your day", "Meh, at least me name's no' in the Courier!"

  10. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    But...but...but!

    Behemoth is an Ancient Evil of the Jewish/Muslim Bestiary of Legendary Creatures, so it wouldn't be involved in delivering bacon?

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
      WTF?

      Eh?

      Surely that fact that its delivering pork is the very reason it was classified as an Ancient Evil?

  11. EddieD

    Ah, the good old Scots diet

    Fried food with fat :)

    That looks a pretty fine sarny to me.

    On the same A90, but a bit further north, near Stracathro, is the last real transport café I know - as a hitchhiker in the late 70s and early 80s I ate many a robust meal in such place - you can pick up a full cooked breakfast that would make a heart surgeon gibber for just a few pounds - and bacon butties that Frank Lloyd Wright would have been proud to design.

    Anyways, I think I'll have to have a quick sortie Dundeewards, just to try the behemoth. At last, a genuine reason to visit Dundee. Who'd a thunk it?

    1. 0laf Silver badge

      Re: Ah, the good old Scots diet

      Stracathro Services - Ye may gang faur and fae waur

      Hard to miss from the A90 and if the butty doesn't give you a heart attack the price of the petrol will.

    2. Wize

      Re: Ah, the good old Scots diet

      I stopped once at Stracathround once. Never again. Ok, it was probably 6 or 7pm on a Friday, but if you are claiming to sell food, don't leave crusty slops for your customers. I know the road better these days and have a better munchy stop on the way.

  12. SuperTim
    Thumb Up

    oooh...Second place...

    So near yet so far. The winner certainly looks yummy though.

  13. JayBizzle
    Trollface

    Fuck Bacon!

    I want a sausage fest!

    1. Slim
      Paris Hilton

      You're not the only one!

      Paris because she loves a sausage fest too.

  14. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

    I have to say, that does look very much like a correctly assembled bacon delivery package. I assume it comes with a choice of red or brown, to suit all comers.

    I have to though that the third place one looks horrible, made from that nasty cheap bacon that comes apart once you manage to boil all the water out of it, and in sore need of some butter and sauce in it.

  15. slingo
    Happy

    Check this out :-)

    http://www.brinningtoncommunitychurch.co.uk/sundays.php

  16. RainForestGuppy
    Thumb Up

    So the top 3 are Bacon, Bread and Brown Sauce. No Cheese, No tomatoes, no fancy popperseed and organic alfalfa baguettes..

    My faith in Humanity is restored, as a species we will thrive and colonise the stars

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bacon

    Not a fan of fatty bacon - the chewy, stringy stuff.

    Best bacon butty I ever had contained bacon medallions.

    1. Burbage

      Re: Bacon

      The "chewy, stringy stuff" is rind. Rind, when cooked properly, adds a crunchy counterpoint to the soft and salty melody of the flesh. But, when cooked improperly, it's fit only for the birds. Most bacon sold now is 'rindless', because enterprising butchers found they could put a premium on 'rindless' bacon, and then use those rinds to make pork scratchings, thus charging twice for something people claimed they didn't want. As a direct result of this, the British Bacon Sandwich declined, losing its peppery zip for a flaccid squelch redolent of butchery greed and Danish piggery, and becoming inedible without the addition of brown sauce, a substance formerly used for polishing brass and punishing children.

      The "fatty bacon" of legend is, in fact, 'streaky' bacon, a largely disposable item used in the roasting of game. It can be used in the same way as proper bacon, but only by miserable cheapskates. It can be stringy and chewy, but does improve if you cook it.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bugger

    This has really set the taste buds going. Sadly there is no bacon in this part of the world. I don't count that thing they call 'beef bacon' either.

    nowt but miles of Sand and Desert as far as the eye can see.

    Still I'll be home next friday and making my own butties from the thick cut back that my local butcher cures himself.

    Yummies.

    {my stomach just gave a statisfying grumble in agreement}

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  19. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    A quick word for the BLT

    Tomatoes are about over for the year at latitude 38 N, and without fresh tomatoes, a lot of the soul goes out of the bacuon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. But it's a great sandwich when tomatoes are in season.

    1. Scroticus Canis
      Devil

      Re: A quick word for the BLT

      WTF? Lettuce and tomatoes? Sounds like health food to me!

      However, fried tomatoes are a necessary part of a proper fried breakfast - crispy streaky bacon, couple of rashers of grilled back bacon, real (meat only) pork bangers, fried black pudding (lots), fried onions, at least two fried eggs with some slightly caramelized fried tomatoes; bread/toast of choice. Now that's a breakfast and worth a triple bypass later in life.

      Who are the heretics who mentioned the anathema of muffins on a porcine comments page? Yuk.

      While bagels aren't suitable for bacon butties (check with your rabbi) or breakfast, a lightly toasted onion bagel with lashings of full fat cream cheese and a half inch plus layer of smoked salmon goes down nicely at elevenses.

      Why isn't there a fat bastard icon?

      1. Corinne
        Stop

        Re: A quick word for the BLT

        A fried breakfast without mushrooms??????? Heresy! And I don't see a fried slice in there either...

        Baked beans go nice with a traditional fry up too, but aren't mandatory.

  20. Whitter
    Coat

    And the winner is...

    Appartently a cousin of Cthulhu if the picture is anything to go by.

    I want one.

  21. Ejit
    Thumb Up

    Speaking as someone who lives in line of sight of the aforementioned palace of porcine splendiferousness, I can reveal that the secret ingredient of the winning sarnie is .......a quick trip through the deep fat fryer just prior to hitting the white bread doorstep. They have followed that recipe for years and there is not an unblocked artery for 10 miles in any direction.

  22. /\/\j17
    FAIL

    It's Not a Frigging Sarnie Though!!!!

    Sarnie -> informal for Sandwich.

    Sandwich -> Two or more slices of bread with a filling.

    Roll -> A small rounded portion of bread.

    => Roll != Sandwich

  23. The Axe

    Streetview

    And if you zoom into the reflection of the Goog car in the cafe's windows you can see the guy lowering the camera as it was taking it's last picture.

  24. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    How do we know the voting wasn't rigged? I notice the purported winner came from a commercial establishment. Could there have been vote stuffing as well a gob stuffing going on?

    Brown sauce Yeeuk!

  25. wx666z

    Deliver?

    Do they? To the U.S.?

  26. James 100
    Pint

    Very good

    I've been there a couple of times now - my godmother used to live further north, lives in Bristol now but insists on a visit any time she's in the area.

    When I first saw the price list, I couldn't understand how the bacon roll cost so much more than the egg or sausage options - then saw how much bacon was crammed in there. I also noted the 'all day breakfast', something like twice the price. Last time I was there, someone ordered it - at least, I assumed that's what was spread across the three plates in front of him. I think I could actually hear the arteries clogging...

  27. Michael 28
    Happy

    Am going all continental.

    Bacon sarnies and Jumbo bacon rolls (Yum!) are all very well, just a bit parochial....

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:American_sandwiches

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:British_sandwiches

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Sandwiches

    My favourites would be either the francesinha or the Monte Cristo...

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francesinha

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monte_Cristo_sandwich.

    Food for thought?

  28. Jimi B
    Thumb Up

    A90 Behemoth plus butter is what I will make next time I buy some streaky bacon. :)

  29. blearrgh
    Thumb Down

    Arggh

    It's in that other Perth. Bummer.

  30. Charlie Clark Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Heresy

    let's all agree that the Church of Bacon is a liberal and accommodating faith, and its doors are always open to those who worship the divine sliced pork, however they choose to indulge their passion.

    What including the bagel-munching heretics? Never! Death to them all.

  31. Lloyd
    Stop

    That bacon looks....

    a bit ropey to be honest, no rind, fatty and undercooked.

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