back to article NZ bloke gets eel stuck up jacksie

A New Zealand hospital refused to speculate last week on just how one patient managed to get an eel stuck up his backside. According to the New Zealand Herald, the unnamed bloke walked, or perhaps slithered, into Auckland City Hospital's A&E department in need of an urgent jacksie eel extraction. A swift X-ray and scan …

COMMENTS

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  1. AbortRetryFail
    Joke

    Eel have a hard time living that one down.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Eel meet again

      Let's say goodbye with a smile dear,

      Just for awhile dear, we must part

      Don't let this parting upset you,

      I'll not forget you, sweetheart,

      Eel meet again,

      Don't know where,don't know when.

      But I know Eel meet again, some sunny day.

      Keep smiling through ,

      Just like you always do,

      Till the blue skies chase those dark clouds, far away.

      But I know Eel meet again. some sunny day

      Eel meet again, don't know where, don't know when. but I know Eel meet again, some sunny day. Keep smiling through , just like you always do, till the blue skies chase the dark clouds, far away.

      And I will just say hello,

      To the folks that you know,

      Tell them you won't be long,

      They'll be happy to know that as I saw you go

      You were singing this song.

      Eel meet again,

      Don't know where, dont know when.

      But I know Eel meet again, some sunny day.

  2. Jelliphiish
    IT Angle

    Nobody tell Noel Fielding about this.

    <sudo cockney accent> EELS!

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      Re: Nobody tell Noel Fielding about this.

      sudo, yes, a very powerful way of doing it.

    2. Steve Evans

      Re: Nobody tell Noel Fielding about this.

      That ain't no jelly mate, so be careful.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Did he get a hovercraft home? ;)

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He slipped in the shower, right? Could happen to anyone, damned things everywhere, where's me 12-gauge :P

  5. JakeyC

    "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

    One more unit for the El Reg's weights & measures team there.

    1. Matt Williams
      Thumb Up

      Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

      It was only when they described the eel in terms of the size of a piece of asparagus that I fully understood. It's the only measuring system I know.

      1. JakeyC

        Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

        Yes, I originally pictured it as being the size of an under-developed sprig of asparagus. Knowing, as I do now, that it was actually the size of a decent sprig changes my whole outlook on this story.

        1. Ken 16 Silver badge
          Childcatcher

          Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

          No DECENT sprig of asparagus would be up some Kiwi's arse!

          1. hplasm Silver badge
            Joke

            Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

            I agree- it's an outrage!

            Oh- wait; it is an eel...

      2. Benchops

        Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

        > It's the only measuring system I know.

        Showing your age there. In my day we used standardised carrot sticks.

    2. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

      How much is that in linguinis?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: linguini

        About 1 linguino, I'd say.

    3. foo_bar_baz
      Happy

      Re: "The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus"

      Sounds to me like the Asparagus is a standard measurement for doctors extracting foreign objects from human orifices. Probably along with the Banana, Gerbil and Cucumber.

      "Say Pete, could you give me hand with a 2.5 Asparagus patient?" Cue smirks from medical employees and puzzled looks from nearby civvies.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's always a laugh

    going for a drink with some A&E doctors ... best two I heard of was a guy who turned up with a raincoat, and as he was trying to book in, muffle the woofs from under the raincoat - somehow a dog had bitten and wouldn't let go.

    And I never understood how a lightbulb could get up there without breaking ....

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Hug an eel

    Maybe the eel just wanted to be friends - that's a-moray

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hug an eel

      Oh,

      When an eel slips into

      The place where you poo,

      That's a-moray

      (diddle diddle diddle dum)

      When it wriggles and bites

      in the place where you shite

      That's a-moray

      (diddle diddle diddle dum)

      1. bill 36
        Pint

        Re: Hug an eel

        Very funny but its a popular song in my local and my fear is that the next time it comes on, my pint will end up sprayed all over the place

        cheers

    2. fridaynightsmoke
      Pint

      Re: Hug an eel

      It's obvious what happened.

      He didn't know his arse from his eel-bow.

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: Hug an eel

        You, sir, and all the rest of you who have made seriously seely puns are banned from El Reg for a month.

  8. Ross K Silver badge
    Happy

    Someone's Been Watching Too Much Genki Porn

    A friend who works in A&E once told this kind of thing is pretty common. Well not eels, but bars of soap and dildos after someone "slipped in the shower"...

    1. Psyx
      Holmes

      Re: Someone's Been Watching Too Much Genki Porn

      Aww... c'mon: Don't rag on the guy. It was clearly a genuine accident.

      Clearly an eel climbed onto his loo-roll. The guy didn't see it was there when he tore some off for a wipe, and then - mid-scrape- the thing just slipped on in there.

      Clearly this kind of accident could happen to anyone. It's unfair to simply assume that he wanted his prostate tickled.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Someone's Been Watching Too Much Genki Porn

        According to one nurse, patients often give the story "I was getting out of the bath, when I slipped and fell on X and it went up my..." only to tell a different as the aesthetic kicks in before the procedure to remove the foreign object. The only bloke who stuck to his story when going under had a tennis ball (?!) stuck where it shouldn't be.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Someone's Been Watching Too Much Genki Porn

          Yes, I knew an A&E doctor once. He had dozens of them.

          ...had to change my trousers and sat on a crate of cucumbers whilst doing so, which broke under my weight...

          ...sat down in the bath rather suddenly unaware that the extra fizzy bath bomb hadn't completely dissolved...

          ...accidentally fell onto the (designer slimline) shower head, which had to be unscrewed as it wouldn't come out without tearing...

          But the one that took the biscuit was the guy who needed a parsnip removed. His excuse?

          "I shoved it up my arse for a cheap thrill, OK?"

          1. Oninoshiko

            Re: Someone's Been Watching Too Much Genki Porn

            I'm pretty sure that last one wasn't an excuse, just the only one telling the truth!

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Facepalm

              Re: Someone's Been Watching Too Much Genki Porn

              Whoosh!

    2. Suburban Inmate
      Childcatcher

      Re: Genki Porn

      Seems to slither past "Safe Search (moderate)" on google without much trouble.

      Still, learned some new Japanese today :)

  9. JimC Silver badge
    WTF?

    From the linked page...

    [quote]Discuss attitudes and feelings about eels. What do students think of when they hear the word eel? What does an eel feel like? [/quote]

    Maybe that needs rephrasing?

    1. ravenviz Silver badge
      Headmaster

      The sixth Google suggestion to the search 'What does an eel' gives: What does an eel do?

      What sort of a question is that?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Umm. like the tentacles in Manga? ;)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Which I have seen enough of

        to know where this is going.

    3. cordwainer 1
      IT Angle

      Frankly...

      I'm more worried about, "Have students write and illustrate their own stories about an eel," depending on how many young students have read THIS story.

  10. Martin H Watson

    a decent sprig of asparagus

    I was expecting it to be an electric eel at the very least. A decent sprig of asparagus???

  11. Jaques Croissant

    Clearly the work of..

    ..a displeased Warren Ellis. That is all.

  12. Martin H Watson

    Hold on a mo...

    ...you don't get sprigs of asparagus, they're tips...

    1. Matt Williams
      Happy

      Re: Hold on a mo...

      Just the tip.

      1. moiety

        Re: Hold on a mo...

        ...just the once...

  13. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coat

    At least it wasn't an electric eel

    That would have been shocking

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: At least it wasn't an electric eel

      Hey, there's got to be some weirdo on the internet who'd find that erotic. If Rule 34 says "there is always porn of it", there ought to be another rule that says "and somebody is fapping to it".

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: At least it wasn't an electric eel

      Downvoted, but only because there isn't a "groan" option. ;)

  14. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Eel pie, anybody?

    By the by, this reminded me of this :

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2001/02/14/woman_gets_mobile_phone_stuck/

  15. Roger Kynaston
    Coffee/keyboard

    New keyboard owed

    Title says it all.

  16. b166er

    Rectal insertion?

    I fawt you said 'eels

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    'This has to be a first', admits hospital insider

    Oh I doubt it somehow...

    1. Jet Set Willy
      FAIL

      Re: 'This has to be a first', admits hospital insider

      Pretty sure I read about this happening to a guy in China some years ago - in Private Eye's "Funny Old World" section (so may not be true).

      However, the circumstances were a bit different. He was a cook and had got massively drunk with his "buddies". After he passed out they thought it would be a jolly jape to stick a spare live eel up his fundament. Unfortunately this eel was bigger than the one in NZ and had teeth. Neither eel nor human survived.

    2. Arthur 1

      Re: 'This has to be a first', admits hospital insider

      Not a first, and I was just coming here to post the same story.

      Here's a clicky: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/03/man-dies-after-eel-is-ins_n_560842.html

  18. NorthernCoder
    Coat

    Any word on if the man felt eelated?

    Mine's the the one with the chest waders...

  19. CCCP
    Coat

    'eel be regretting that game..

    Ok, ok. I'm going

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Mmmm, better check there isn't an eel or two hiding in there waiting for that in-opportune moment.

  20. Michael Souris
    IT Angle

    Well done

    Well done Reg for "anguilline".

    1. Thomas 4
      IT Angle

      Re: Well done

      Actually, yes, I think I can see an IT angle to this story.

      Think about it - every day across the world, all manner of things are inserted into assholes, from conveniently shaped bodily organs, to pens, to animals. What we need to do is design a future accessory port for computers modelled on the human asshole. We'd never have compatibility issues again!

      1. Bill Neal
        Facepalm

        Re: port modelled on the human asshole

        Existenz did it already.

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120907/

  21. Elmer Phud Silver badge
    Coat

    Fuss

    No need to make a song and dance about it.

    Let's all do the conger . . .

    1. captain veg

      Re: Fuss

      I came, I saw*, I conga'd...

      -A.

      *Should that be "arse sore"?

  22. Anonymous John

    So that's what was meant by Henry I dying from a surfeit of lampreys,

  23. moonface

    Amateur!

    Should have jellied the eels, like the Cockneys do.

  24. Trollslayer Silver badge
    Devil

    Eel meet again

    Know where don't know when...

  25. Ray Gratis
    Coat

    Probably a simple case of short-sightedness

    Should've gone to Spec(ulum)-Savers.

  26. Bush_rat
    Trollface

    Hmm...

    Close friend: Maybe it was an accident?

    Accident my arse!

    1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Joke

      Re: Hmm...

      Maybe it was a Voodo Eel

      A Voodo Eel... my arRRRRRRSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  27. sabba
    Angel

    Actually I think you're all being a little unfair...

    ...no doubt he is from a long line of famous New Zealand eel smugglers!! The inference that he might have gained any sexual pleasure from this is obviously incorrect!!

  28. adam payne Silver badge
    Joke

    Eel have a hard time explaining that one!

  29. Juillen 1

    Mighty Boosh..

    I think we may have just found their top fan!

    http://www.lyricsmania.com/eels_lyrics_mighty_boosh_the.html

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bored of his iphone 5 already. Prepare for an epidemic.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Victim of a hard of hearing mafioso?

    "Sorry - I thought you said to leave him swinging with the fishes"

  32. paleoflatus

    DrBob

    I remember a verse from that student ditty "The Good Ship Venus"....

    "The captain had a daughter

    Who fell into the water;

    Delighted squeals

    Revealed that eels

    Had found her sexual quarter."

  33. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Coat

    Eel?

    Must be an immigrant, all the real Kiwis are chasing sheep....

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They interviewed the Eel afterwards....

    ....who said "I've been stuck in lots of strange places where I shouldn't have been, but this is a first"

  35. ukgnome Silver badge
    Joke

    If this is his fetish then

    eel be back

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    transvestite

    puttin' on 'is 'igh eels

  37. Anonymous Coward 15
    Coffee/keyboard

    Drop your panties, Sir William

    I cannot wait till lunchtime.

  38. TRT Silver badge

    He should've..

    had more respect for his elvers.

  39. Suburban Inmate

    This bloke has nothing on the lady in the vid I saw a few years ago. Way too many to count, but safe to say seceral dosen, with the help of a metal funnel and some bloke.

    No, I will not eelaborate further.

  40. Nev Silver badge
    Coat

    Supposedly...

    He bought the elongated piscine from a pet shop but got home to find he'd locked himself out.

    So he attempted to climb a handy ladder to get in through an upper floor window, while still holding

    the bag containing said eel, and promptly fell; landing on the bag and ending up with the eel in his rectum.

    All totally plausible.

  41. Alistair MacRae

    EELS!

    Eels up inside ya! Finding an entrance where they can.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Spokesman

    Rogers? Really? Nominative Determinism in action!

  43. YumDogfood
    Thumb Up

    Eel meet again, don't know where, don't know when...

    Would that be in UK asparagus units or the large white variety I've seen in Germany? The German stuff can be very... interesting looking. *cough*

    Thumbs up there, because thats safer than an eel up there.

  44. Beachrider

    Ron White has relevant experience...

    Ron White (a Texan-comedian from the Blue-collar Comedy Tour) does a bit in his 'Behavioral Problems' skit (text at: http://www.livedash.com/transcript/ron_white__behavioral_problems/6732/COMEDYP/Saturday_May_01_2010/281227/ )

    ...only his problem is a ferret and cake is involved....

  45. YumDogfood
    Coat

    Pet Shop Boys

    Look up that Americanism.

  46. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
    Devil

    And nobody has mentioned...

    the candiru!

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Natural behaviour, really

    Eels are bottom dwellers, after all.

  48. elderlybloke

    It couldn't happen to me

    I am , and always have been a Tight Arse.

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