back to article Ultimate bacon sarnie scrap starts to sizzle

Our challenge to readers to provide proof of the ultimate bacon sarnie looks set to provoke even more controversy than the matter of the zenith of sliced pork/bread assemblages has already caused. In case you've missed the porcine polemic, our Bauernfrühstück versus bacon sarnie post-pub nosh deathmatch had experts up in arms …


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  1. sebacoustic
    Thumb Up


    What can I say - a great picture. And a great sarnie: who gives a toss about God's will anyway. I, too like a bit of flavour in my bread. Nice wholesome baps do it for me.

    1. John H Woods

      Re: Congratulations

      +1 for nice wholesome baps. Which should also come in twos, the picture appears to be of an (albeit excellent) child's portion.

      1. Silverburn


        Anymore than a handful is a waste.

        1. Phillip Allen

          Re: Re:Baps

          Any more than a handful and you sprain your tongue

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Re:Baps

          No, no, no...

          "More than a mouthfull's a bonus, more than a handfull's a waste"

          Got me through my teenage years.

          1. badmonkey

            Re: Re:Baps

            There are so many ways to take that wrong.

            Actually on reconsideration there's only one.

      2. DF118
        Thumb Up

        @ John H Woods Re: Congratulations

        Both the mug and the rashers are in fact huge. The bap is about 5" diameter. Although I have to admit I wanted another one right afterwards so perhaps it was a bit on the small side portion-wise.

    2. SW

      Re: Congratulations

      Ah but is not the 'flavour' the actual Bacon and associated juices - don't want the bread to distract you from the ambrosia that is bacon.

      (Posted from somewhere that the posession of said bacon could have very DIRE results).

      Where's the Bacon Butty Icon...???

  2. Jimboom
    Thumb Up

    Farmhouse Granary Loaf/Bap

    Now that's the way forward.

    Nice succulent bacon on the inside, then some ketchup, melted butter, soft fresh bread and then something crunchy on the crust to keep it all interesting and add some flavour to the whole thing.

    You know it makes sense!

    1. Johnny G

      Re: Farmhouse Granary Loaf/Bap

      "then some ketchup"


    2. Johnny G

      Re: Farmhouse Granary Loaf/Bap

      As Harry Callahan famously said, "Nobody, I mean NOBODY puts ketchup on a bacon sandwich."

  3. probedb


    That's just so very wrong with a bacon sarnie.

    1. Richard 81

      Re: Wholemeal?

      White bread from a bag: now that's wrong. Personally I believe more or less any traditional bread type is fine, so long as it's of good quality. I'm rather partial to bacon in an oven bottom muffin myself. Perhaps I've been oop-narth too long than is good for me.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Wholemeal?

        People talking about 'floury baps', and now 'oven bottom muffin'... Will we ever reach the bottom of the innuendo?

  4. Alex Walsh

    Send bacon immediately.

  5. Richard 81

    I'll accept brown bread

    I'm no puritan, as evidenced by my suggestion of ketchup and French mustard. It also appears to be back bacon, cooked until quite crispy but not cut-your-cheeks rock solid.

    I would probably substitute the tea for black coffee. I'm more likely to drink the tea before going to bed to improve my chances of surviving the night.

  6. JDX Gold badge

    Too much bacon not good

    I find it overwhelming when there's a solid 1/2 inch of bacon, or a dozen rashers rammed into a bun. I want to enjoy the taste of the bacon complemented by the bread, not use the bread as a vehicle to hold as much meat as possible.

  7. Mike 140


    Who needs it? Just copious amounts of bacon served between 2 slices of bacon.

  8. Zebidee


    Meat between Baps - surely not!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Meat between Baps

      don't forget the man butter

  9. Dazed and Confused


    The use of cotton wool factory bread to make Bacon Sarnies should rightly be considered a crime.

    A good white loaf or roll is OK, the seeded wholemeal bap looks very good. Personally I'm torn between using Granary and Walnut or using a nice rich tomato bread for making the ultimate Bacon Butty.

    Of course it has to be tea with your butty, coffee before or after or even coffee before and after are fine, but the art to making coffee is always to work on the principle of twice as much coffee and half as much water, but you need a big mug to go with you bacon butty and so that has to be tea.

    Only things wrong with this picture are

    a) where's the bloody ketchup!

    b) how can anyone be awake enough to take a picture like that before they've eaten their bacon butty!

    1. Richard 81

      Re: Quality

      A possible answer to b) He's already got through the one for eating. This one's for show.

  10. John H Woods

    And another thing ...

    ... I am totally fed up with the people who keep intruding on my time to tell me that the only bread worth having is machine sliced, processed crap from a polythene bag. I can't stand The Hovis Witnesses.

  11. wowfood

    For me

    It's gotta be a combination of the following for my perfect bacon sarnie. I would love to get a picture up, but sadly I cannot get to the butchers until after work friday, too late for said contest.

    thick smoked bacon, with the rind left on, this is of vital importance.

    medium sliced White bread



    Shove teh bacon under the grill on a low heat. Toast the bread when one side of the bacon is cooked.

    Flip the bacon and cook the over side slowly until the toast pops up.

    Pile the mozella on one slice, chedder on the other.

    Arrange the bacon so you can fit the toast on one side.

    Wham the heat up to max to both melt the cheese, and crisp the bacon.

    When the cheese is melted, take out from under the grill, and put on a dollop of BBQ sauce, spread the sauce about a bit, and then if the bacon is crisp enough / slightly burnt, layer it atop the cheesy toast. 3 slices minimum, 4 recommended.

    And there you have a greasy bacony delicious mess. I'm a fan of smoked bacon, but you can use normal if you want, and I agree 100% quality of bacon is key, cheap bacon shrivels up into nothingness if you grill it, a nice thick slice keeps enough of its moisture while the rind can still crisp up.

    1. wowfood

      Re: For me

      And before anyone complains when I say medium sliced white, I normally go grab either a hedgehog or tin loaf if I'm doing the shopping.

    2. Anonymous Coward

      bacon porn

      For once, the longstanding ElReg commenters' standby of "photos or it didn't happen" is appropriate here.

      Also "BBQ sauce" - I'd like what you did to the whole "ketchup || brown sauce" debate there.

    3. A J Stiles

      Re: For me

      Not bad -- although you lose points for using an electric toaster, thus imparting the nasty "electric" flavour to the toast.

      Much better to leave enough room under the grill to do both the toast and the bacon.

      1. Shez

        Re: For me

        "Much better to leave enough room under the grill to do both the toast and the bacon."

        grill? - where does the grill come into cooking bacon? if this is the ultimate bacon sarnie it has to be fried - in the fat saved from the last lot of bacon, none of this olive oil malarkey.

  12. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge


    Wholemill, home made, still warm.

  13. cynic 2

    The real crime here would be putting ketchup on the bacon. The adding sugar business is a slippery slope - before you know it you'll have gone all North American and embraced maple syrup.

    Tasty brown bread, no butter, lots of bacon. You know it makes sense.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Maple syrup works extremely well with eggs, pancakes and large amounts of bacon. I was most surprised when I confirmed this by experiment a few years ago. It's not really my thing, so I've probably done it once a year since, but I can't deny that it works.

      1. The Serpent

        "Maple syrup works extremely well with eggs, pancakes and large amounts of bacon."

        Bollocks, you should turn in your Reg login now for such blasphemy. Americans do breakfast better than anyone else, but this habit of putting imitation maple syrup on savoury food is as much a cause for war as marrying their sisters and their habit of half-arsedly policing the rest of the world

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          @The Serpent

          "Americans do breakfast better than anyone else"

          I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call bullshit on that one. Having had the misfortune of living here for the last half a decade, I can testify to how crap breakfast is. American breakfasts are stodgy starchy nightmares, made palatable to the masses by excessive quantities of sweet stuff. Or cheese. Or both.

          Waffles, American style pancakes, so called "English Muffins", muffins, doughnuts, grits, etc. Even "home fries". They are all just bad starchy disasters. The additional of things like maple syrup or processed cheese just adds to the disaster. And then, with the carb explosion for breakfast, they wonder why half the country is obese.

          American bacon is a complete disaster as well. They seem to worship the stuff over here. But firstly you can only get streaky. It is ridiculously over-salted, far too thin, and turns into a crumbly dust whilst shedding gallons of fat when you try and cook it. When you eat it you can't taste the delicious pig, only the salt. You might as well just devour a salt cellar. Sausages are even worse. I go out of my way to get good European bacon for home. And I long for a nice English breakfast when I'm back in the home country.

        2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          The Serpent,

          "Bollocks, you should turn in your Reg login now for such blasphemy."

          An understandable, if incorrect, point of view. Bacon should not be adulterated with maple syrup, in the normal course of events. But I still maintain that bacon, eggs, those weird American pancakes, and possibly blueberries, does make a surprisingly edible breakfast. It's not my normal thing, but it's surprisingly nice. Not with country gravy though - biscuits and gravy is just being silly.

          "Americans do breakfast better than anyone else"

          But if you are going to demand the return of my El Reg login for the above, you will need to join me, in turning over yours, for this statement. The English breakfast is best. Although hash browns and haggis are nice additions from foreign parts, for which Johnny Foreigner is to be commended.

          Standard American bacon is a crime against humanity. Grits are merely bad, they've not committed sacrilege against the holy pig, by turning it into salty cardboard.

          1. Pirate Dave

            American breakfast

            American bacon is specific - thin strips of pork fried until crispy. That's how we roll. Although some of us (such as my wife) like bacon not so crispy. What I saw in the picture Lester provided isn't what we'd refer to as "bacon". No, I think we'd call that sliced ham, maybe "country" ham.

            Grits are wonderful, especially when spooned on top of biscuit and gravy, then drizzle a little honey on top of it all. Yum.

            1. JC_

              @Spartacus, AC, Serpent

              Rubbish, you're all wrong, American bacon is like eating greasy Ryvita and with the traditional English you have to try to forget what black pudding is actually made from.

              There's only one place that starts the day right and that's Brasil: cake for breakfast. Maybe some tropical fruit, too, but there's always cake and it's always like xmas morning when you see it.

          2. davemcwish

            You're all wrong particularly....

            @The Serpant "Americans do breakfast better than anyone else"

            @I ain't Spartacus "The English breakfast is best"

            The Scots, Welsh and Irish will think otherwise.

            Mines the one with a pack of Lorne sausage...

    2. Piro

      Hey now..

      Maple syrup is good stuff, but not on your savoury breakfast goods.

      However, America doesn't use Maple syrup, they mostly use High Fructose Corn Syrup-based Maple Syrup-styled condiment products.

  14. Frank Bough

    Tea? FFS

    Not the ideal accompaniament to a bacon sandwich. Apple juice or cider is perfect.

    1. graeme leggett

      Re: Tea? FFS

      I know what I'd rather have to drink with a bacon sandwich on an autumnal Sunday morning at a carboot in a damp field. Apples isn't even close in such circumstances..

    2. Sean Timarco Baggaley

      Re: Tea? FFS

      I worked in construction for a short period and I can assure you, the formula goes thus:

      Breakfast, or Lunch:

      Bacon—this is surprisingly easy: fry, or grill, according to taste. There's no accounting for it, so there'll never be an ISO Bacon Standard.

      Bread—sliced, white. Its purpose is to stop the grease from getting all over your fingers. It's a container that should taste of as little as possible. Like a soft, absorbent, somewhat spongy, form of water.

      Butter—some, but not too much. Its purpose is to keep the bacon from falling out of its sliced-bread container.

      Tea—comes in two varieties:

      - In a plastic cup, from a machine in the site office, or,

      - in a slightly chipped mug from the nearest greasy spoon café to the work site.

      Add sugar to taste.

      In the case of the machine-generated tea, continue to add sugar until plastic stirrer remains upright.

      Condiments—according to taste, but should only ever be applied thinly. If you wanted to taste the ketchup instead of the bacon, you should have ordered tomato soup.

      Salad—only if you have been advised to go on a diet by some killjoy with a degree and no f*cking clue what it's like working halfway up a half-finished block of flats in the middle of winter. Or the wife. (Girlfriends lack sufficient rank.)

      See? Easy.

  15. Havelock

    Well grilled bacon, with stilton & cranberry. The bacon & stilton complement each other excellently while the cranberry cuts through what would otherwise be overwhelming saltiness

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Spot the Guardian reader

      Grilled? Stilton? CRANBERRIES?

      1. Havelock

        Re: Spot the Guardian reader

        and I've already bought several people over to the dark side - bwah-ha-ha...

        1. Slim
          Thumb Down

          Re: Spot the Guardian reader

          While I can see this being a very nice sandwich with bacon in it, this is not a bacon sandwich.

  16. 20legend


    Wholemeal bap - jebus wept! that alone is enough to deserve a public flogging, let alone some of the displays of philistinism on the comments page.

    Keep it simple, keep it real kiddies!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: WTF

      Simple and austere is the way to go with the bacon sandwich. You are, after all, using it to recover from the orgiastic excess of the previous night.

      Bacon, with white bread (optionally lightly buttered), mug of tea, possible fresh orange juice to cut through the alcohol-induced numbness/furryness and awake the taste buds.

      The only addition, which may improve the experience, is a second (or third) round of emergency backup-bacon if you find that you've inadvertently failed to prepare enough the first time.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: WTF

        We should form the Bacon Taliban. Dedicated to maintaining the purity and values of baconic perfection.

        Down with the desecration of holy bacon! Burn the heretics!

        Our creed is:

        Beer is god's way of telling us that he loves us!

        Bacon is god's way of telling us that he forgives us! For what we did with the beer he so generously gave us.

        To put ketchup onto bacon is to spit on God!

        Burn the heretics!

        I am the Mullered Omah, and I have spoken!

  17. SiempreTuna

    Ketchup is a CRIME!

    Any time, any place, anywhere, but particularly when it's ruining perfectly good bacon. Would hang furry dice in a Ferrari?

    Actually - don't answer that.

    All you you need is plenty of lean bacon, a bit of mustard - preferably English rather than way-too-wussy French or Amer-cun (but y'know, in an emergency ..) - and some rustic BROWN bread, preferably with seeds or nuts. That bap looks pretty good.

    Foamy white stuff just ain't bread - you'd be better off using a kitchen sponge.

    1. DF118
      Thumb Down

      Re: Ketchup is a CRIME!

      Dunno about that. English mustard is like a culinary neutron bomb. It leaves the matter intact, but wipes out every living molecule of flavour. Except, of course, said mustard.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Now I'm Hungry Again

    Freshly made coffee, black or white, is the best accompanyment to a bacon sarnie. Appetising picture, but I prefer to have the bacon only just visible at the edges of the bread. Hanging out too much spoils the bacon sandwich aesthetic. A swipe of mayo, a couple of grinds of black pepper, lightly toasted granary bread and you're in heaven. But I'll be consigned to the fires of hell for mentioning mayo, I know.

    1. hamcheeseandonion

      Re: Now I'm Hungry Again

      The fires of hell do indeed await you, being stoked by the verminous French who lured you in to this blasphemy in the first place - you must know that "mayo", better known to The Faithful as weasel vomit, was invented by les Francais in revenge for the British/English invention of The Sandwich (all praise to the Earl), and to spoil its Primacy in the world of Sacred Food?

      Its mere presence in the same sentence/paragraph/library as Bacon, is grounds enough for a fatwah.

      <icon more appropriate than usual>

    2. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Now I'm Hungry Again

      "Freshly made coffee, black or white, is the best accompanyment to a bacon sarnie."

      You'll be suggesting replacing the bread with waffles next........

  19. Magister
    Thumb Up

    Bacon Sarnie on the WSR

    Smoked middle cut bacon, bought from the local butcher, sliced one notch higher than normal - cooked on an old shovel held in the fire under the boiler.

    Bread from the local baker, cut into man sized slices.

    Generous dollop of butter from the local farmer.

    2-3 slices of bacon per sandwich (4 if you are a greedy bugger like Bill or Foggy)

    A dozen eggs fried up in the bacon fat for afters

    Served with scalding hot tea, water from the boiler of the steam engine, made in an old pot that was "rescued" along with the engine back in the 70s, using PG and about a dozen bags. Fresh milk and about 30 spoons of sugar all thrown in the pot together (after the bags were removed).

    Group of about 20 blokes stood around on the lineside, around 9.00 am on a cold November morning, late 1990s between Stogumber and Crowcombe Heathfield, doing some work on the Permanent Way.

    Bloody good memories.

    1. A J Stiles

      Re: Bacon Sarnie on the WSR

      Yes, but anything tastes better cooked in a steam engine.

  20. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

    Perfect bacon sandwich

    Any type of fish will do but something oily such as mackerel or salmon works best. The rice should be fluffy but can be long or short grain and white or brown. I like to cool the seaweed in some cold water but leaving it hot is perfectly acceptable. The sauce MUST be tamari. I prefer the double strength varieties but a normal one will do if it's the only one available. The bacon should be left in the shop for purchase by someone who is to invite you as their guest at a later date. The bread and butter should be left in the shop for purchase for someone who is not to invite you as their guest at a later date. All washed down with a nice cup of sencha.

    1. DF118

      Re: Perfect bacon sandwich

      You sir, are a genius

  21. Tom 7 Silver badge

    pork perfection???

    While bacon of many sorts may be the best food many of you may come across I can assure you 'pork perfection' is best found in roasted very fat (by modern standards) belly pork.

    That's not just pork perfection I'd say I've yet to find another food product as good. Not ideal as a post pub snack unless you can get someone to leave the pub early and pop it in the aga for your return.

    Cut to the shape of your bread of choice then just try to not eat the stuff straight from the pan.

  22. mosfetdogwelder

    Someone seems to have shown that cup of milk the slightest hint of a tea bag.

    1. DF118

      What can I say, I like my baby tea when I have a hangover.

  23. Somerset John
    Thumb Up

    Only soft southern jessies would polute bacon with a wholemeal bap.!

    The true art of the bacon buttie of the round persuasion demands a proper Lancashire oven bottom, thick sliced back bacon (with NO added water) topped with a fried egg.

  24. wowfood

    Tea Debate

    I've gotta ask here, a lot of people are saying "tea" as the drink of choice with their bacon sarnie, but which tea? There are so many to choose from.

    Personally, I'm a darjeeling man myself. What's your brew?

    1. Richard 120

      Re: Tea Debate

      English Breakfast tea.

      Stewed for a good amount of time, and either blue milk or at least green milk.

      The red milk makes for vile tea.

    2. Magister

      Re: Tea Debate

      You will never get agreement on which is the best tea, because it will vary depending on which part of the country you are making the tea.

      The flavour is dramatically affected by the local water; when living just outside Edinburgh, it had to be Tetleys or it tasted rather nasty. But the same Tetleys down in the West Country was dreadful. Yorkshire tea is OK around the Peninnes, but locally it is vile.

      Even Co-op 99 tea has it's place (in the bin)


    3. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Tea Debate

      I have to admit to being rather partial to Green Earl Grey tea, but that's irrelevant.

      To go with a bacon sarnie, any half-decent English tea blend, brewed to a strength where it tarnishes stainless steel on contact. Then chuck in milk until it's tea-coloured. Sugar optional.

  25. cwm

    No contest

    White bread sliced from loaf made today, or generic white sliced if new bread not available, and dry cured thick cut unsmoked back or middle bacon (lots of - at least 4 slices per slice of bread). No marg/butter or sauce required, just a small amount of fat from the bacon to moisten the bread. Perfect for the post-pub munchies.

    1. Lord Voldemortgage

      Best one so far but I don't see that there's any reason to shun smoked bacon.

  26. nick turner

    Large flowery baps, whack in a large portion of well done meat and then squirt Daddies Sauce all over it.


    1. Piro

      On the head

      You've definitely nailed it

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      nick turner,

      You are Julian Assange, and I claim my £5.

  27. Magnus_Pym


    Proper bacon from a proper butcher. Thick cut. Lots of it. Proper bread from a proper baker. Thick cut. Lots of it. Tea.

  28. The Nameless Mist

    Sneaks in with ..

    ... two rashers of Quorn based bacon substitute, covers it in HP Brown Sauce and slaps it in a large white lightly floured bun.

    Runs for it.

  29. paulc

    wot no fried eggs???

    needs fried eggs...

    anyway, I can't do the bread in the bacon sarnie being diabetic, so I just have loads of bacon and fried eggs... plus good home made mustard and nicely sautéed mushrooms.

  30. Peter Mount

    Orkney Dark Island + Bread

    OK as Orkney Dark Island was mentioned in the article, years ago when I then had a bread machine I actually tried using beer as part of the recipe & Orkney Dark Island came up tops.

    Simply use white bread mix but replace 1/2 the water with Dark Island.

    It comes out brown but tasty. Could be a good one to try again with some decent bacon

    1. DF118
      Thumb Up

      Re: Orkney Dark Island + Bread

      Must try that one

  31. tim_lovegrove

    Some little tweaks

    I thoroughly recommend adding a few splashes of Worcestershire sauce to the oil when frying the bacon, and for a little vegetable bonus lob a few thinly sliced mushrooms in the frying pan whilst the bacon's doing. Top nosh.

  32. John 110

    If you're in a hurry...

    ...the bacon could be microwaved. But the bread, if white HAS to be Scottish (plain, if you want sliced, or morning rolls fresh from the baker, if you want a roll).

  33. Efros

    Has to be

    Bacon, heavily smoked Ayrshire back bacon, an abundance of it served in the maw of a heavily buttered Glasgow roll. These are the chewy baked goods only available from corner shops in and around Glasgow, well fired takes you to charcoal and cinders on the topside with chewy goodness underneath. Sauce should be of the HP variety and of course is best when also served with a fried egg and/or indeed a tattie scone on top, although this may offend the purists it does help the carb and protein intake so vital when combating the effects of 200 fl oz of Belhaven 90/- the night before.

    I think we need a bacon buttie icon.

    1. davemcwish

      Re: Has to be

      @Efros Have to agree with Glasgow roll, there's nothing like one thst's well-fired regardless or what's in it. Everyone else can keep their over floured and soft baps and such like.

  34. MPT

    Disaster, needs averting, meh

    If the ever accurate Auntie is correct on this one, we may be arguing over the last slice, rather than type of covering for our favorite head clearing snack or the sauce of preference to slather all over it.

  35. David 24

    Middle and mustard.

    Middle cut bacon only with rind. Grilled, so rind is crispy and bubbled. Between 2 slices of toasted brown bread and some Colemans English.

    Strong Clipper tea is my current choice.


    1. Demented Sparky

      Re: Middle and mustard.

      Mustard? You would put mustard on a bacon sarnie? It's like kryptonite to flavour! Might as well take out the bacon and bread and just have a spoonful of sauce.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    While it is informative and even entertaining to hear people hold forth on their views as to what makes a proper bacon sandwich, I feel that bacon sandwich eaters should recognize that they are all part of a broad spectrum of eaters of cooked-preserved-pork- in- bread.

    As such bacon sarnie appreciators should resemble more the CoE in that it is accepting of many differing opinions, than a hardline approach which would condemn the addition of some innocuous condiment or the choice of "the wrong bread" to damnation.

    remember, no matter your personal preferences bacon sandwiches are "both amazing and great!"

    1. Brokendiet

      Re: Dogmatism

      Burn the Heretic!!!!!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Dogmatism


        I was expecting something more along the lines of "that would be an ecumenical matter"

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Dogmatism

      Dirty peacemaker!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dogmatism

      +1 for the FagsMags&Bags reference

      1. Will Godfrey Silver badge

        Re: Dogmatism

        Oi! Leave the dogs along. They never did you any harm.

    4. Sean Timarco Baggaley

      Re: Dogmatism

      The classic bacon butty—note the lack of the word 'bread' there; you are NOT supposed to taste it. Bread intended for sandwich purposes exists solely as a form of container—is bacon + sliced white + a thin scraping of butter + a thinly applied application of any (optional) condiment. That is God's Own Bacon Sandwich. Fact. It's right there in the Sacred Gospel of St. Beaton, Chapter III, Verses 1-9, (see also: Appendix A, page 339).

      'And Lo! The Lord did say, upon the morning of the seventh day, that he got "fucking hammered last night! I could murder a bacon butty! I think I'll take today off and let those humans sort things out for themselves. I can't be arsed to fix the bugs in their firmware." And He did say unto his chef to use two slices of "that cheap white sliced bread". "Two slices!" He intoned. "Use ye not three slices! Nor four! Five is right out!

      'And the Lord continueth, "What's with all the lisping? Just write 'continued', for Me's sake!" And lo! It came to pass, for he continued to define the Holy Butty of Bacon: "Four rashers of bacon, well fried to slight crispness"

      'And Lucifer, replied: "So, you want it al dente, then?"

      'And The Lord shot back with: "None of your poncy foreign speak. You know I can't hear italics! Just dip the bread in the bacon fat to moisten it and insert the bacon between the two slices. And none of that mustard or ketchup shite, or I'll kick your arse down to Hell quicker than you can say Beelzebub, bub!"'

      You all know what happened next. Lucifer cocked it up and added some HP Sauce to the sandwich. His Godness unsurprisingly took a dim view of this and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how YouTube comments came into being, with Lucifer forever condemned to be their sole moderator.

      If you're an irreligious fellow, you could classify the deviants as suffering from Baconic Spectrum Disorder, but for the Church, this is clearly a bacomenical matter.

  37. Alan Brown Silver badge

    May all be moot

    One of the stories in the FT today is about british farmers getting ut of the pork market en masse - and pointing out that US/EU prices are bound to increase as welfare laws start taking effect in the next few years.

  38. A J Stiles


    Panasonic bread (other makes of bread machine are available, but will produce noticeably inferior results) sliced at 20 mm., or a cob from a bakery (ideally a proper local one, but most supermarkets' instore bakeries have an offering that will do).

    Just avoid anything made using the Chorleywood process. (How they are even allowed to label it "bread" is beyond my understanding.)

    1. DF118

      Re: Bread

      Bread maker? Oh do MTFU! Once you've perfected the art of making it yourself (don't listen to the doubters - it can be done quickly and cleanly) you'll never look back.

  39. tonyoung

    What about the ...

    .... HP Fruity?

  40. TRT Silver badge


    World-wide bacon shortage predicted! El Reg, what have you done???

  41. Rhys

    I do wish that Bacon did not cost a years mortgage payments for a kilo pack here in China. I miss my Bacon Butties.

    The REAL bacon is wild pork chased down with dogs and knifed, then carried for several hours from the kill site to the 4wd, then dry cured and cold smoked.

    The bread should be home baked, not bought.

    City slickers just don't know what REAL bacon sandwiches are...

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