back to article Apple lawyer: 'I promise I am not smoking crack'

Judge Lucy Koh has grown increasingly irritated with lawyers on both sides of the ongoing lawsuit between Apple and Samsung, but she hit a new boiling point on Thursday when Apple presented her a 75-page list of potential rebuttal witnesses for the four hours it has remaining in the trial. "This is ridiculous," the San Jose …

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  1. This post has been deleted by its author

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      1. Anonymous Coward
        Headmaster

        Re: plenty of time

        It says in the article that it had 22 witnesses. Presumably the 75 pages includes bios, rationale and such.

        1. LarsG
          Meh

          You've really got to feel sympathy....... With the Judge over this.

          1. Gordon 10 Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            Indeed

            She should just cut to the chase and fine them both $1bn for acting like small children and tell them to sod off and sort things out.

            The legal equivalent of the naughty step if you like,

          2. Code Monkey

            @LarsG

            Agreed. She's clearly a fan of common sense.

            1. Mark .

              Re: @LarsG

              But isn't this the one who decided that Apple had a case on rounded rectangles in the first place, and got Samsung's products banned in the US for two years until that trial? If she was a fan of common sense, these claims would be thrown out...

          3. Tom 13

            Re: You've really got to feel sympathy

            No I don't. She's the fracking moron who didn't throw the case out with prejudice when it started. She made her bed, she can sleep in it.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    pity only the bailliff (sp) has a weapon.

    I'm sure she could call all of the attorney's to her bench and line them all up and clear the docket with one small finger movement*.

    * - Don't try this at home or work.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    >"I will not let any theatrics or sideshow distract us from what we are here to do"

    Given she used to be a patent lawyer, I'm wondering what that actually is......increasingly I suspect its to prepare the ground for at run at Senate.

    1. Ted Treen
      Unhappy

      @AC 20:43

      ""I will not let any theatrics or sideshow distract us.."

      From the newsreels I've seen, there is no case in any US court that isn't pure histrionics...

      1. laird cummings
        Thumb Down

        RE: "...pure histrionics..."

        Stop watching newsreels.

        Having sat juror in major civil trials, it's very much about strategy, tactics, and control of the narritive. The side that can make its story the most compelling persuasive wins. Histrionics are a *very* dangerous tactic which can backfire badly and skilled lawyers use them very sparingly.

        'Perry Mason' moments are exceedingly rare in trials where large dollar sums are at stake.

    2. Thomas 4

      I strongly suspect

      ...she is now regretting her line of work.

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: I strongly suspect

        nah sounds like she should replace judge judy

  4. Madboater

    What she is irritated about is

    She is using her Harvard Law Degree to babysit a bunch of squabbling children. The whole case should have been thrown out as a complete waste of the courts time.

  5. nexsphil

    clever people

    This is what happens when the business world is populated by people who fail sports.

    "I know what will advance our interests! Irritate the judge!"

    "Ebner youza jeeneeus"

  6. Dazed and Confused Silver badge

    Please Oh Please

    Just throw the whole damn lot of them behind bars for the obvious contempt they are showing for the court.

    1. Crisp Silver badge
      Go

      Re: Please Oh Please

      I say that we throw them all in a cage with different weapons. Thunderdome style.

      Two lawyers enter! One lawyer leaves!

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Go

        Re: Please Oh Please

        @Crisp

        The number of lawyers entering should be increased, and the number leaving decreased.

      2. JDX Gold badge

        Two lawyers enter! One lawyer leaves!

        That only solves half the problem.

      3. Tom 13

        Re: Thunderdome

        By my count, that's one too many lawyers getting off easy.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If only I could say the same when getting yet another request for code review at work...

    Probably would be packing my things the next day.

  8. James O'Brien
    Thumb Up

    wow

    Finally she says something sensible about the lawyers. Though it begs to be asked...

    Is Charlie Sheen part of apple's legal team*? That could explain the question.

    *I like Charlie (tiger blood) Sheen too

  9. Yet Another Commentard

    The Point, surely...

    Is that there is no way 22 witnesses at less than four minutes each will be called. The point is that Samsung have to prepare for all of them, when one or two will be called. So, like a student come exam time, Samsung can either try prepping for all of them poorly, or a couple of them well in the hope those are the chosen ones. Apple knows this, so it's just trying to improve its position.

    I've been involved in a few cases in Blighty, and the golden rule is to never, ever, piss off the person at the front wearing the wig (in US terms, in the black robe with the hammer). I am surprised either side would be willing to risk doing just that, but both of them have. Bizarre.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Headmaster

      Re: The Point, surely...

      22 witnesses over 4 hours is actually over 10 minutes each, not less than 4.

      1. CmdrX3

        Don't forget though

        They need to be called to the stand, I assume sworn in, and dismissed from the stand, all of which I would assume would take around five minutes each assuming they aren't lined up like a queue in an Apple store on release day.

    2. Danny 14 Silver badge

      Re: The Point, surely...

      "I am surprised either side would be willing to risk doing just that, but both of them have. Bizarre"

      Because either side will appeal so it is fairly pointless. Both sides simply want to taint the jury with theatrics and or blinding nonsense. It is the appeal that will need the most bribes.

  10. Crazy Operations Guy
    Pint

    Well, maybe he should...

    really what they need to do is take both CEOs, drop them off in Las Vegas with a bunch of cash and a list of the seediest bars and 'entertainment'. By the the next day, they'll either be close fiends, or dead; Either way works.

    We did this to two executives at our company that had a very vicious rivalry going on between them, they came back and immediately started to cooperate. Its probably due to mutual fear that the other will spill the beans on what happened in Vegas...

    1. Danny 14 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Well, maybe he should...

      more likely they then had enough dirt on each other to show mutual annihilation.

      1. Thomas 4
        Unhappy

        Re: Well, maybe he should...

        Fear And Loathing In Silicon Valley?

        Hunter Thompson, where are you when we need you? :

  11. E 2

    @Crazy Operations Guy

    They're already fiends!

    1. Magani
      Headmaster

      Re: @Crazy Operations Guy

      We already know they're fiends, but are they friends?

  12. Mr Young
    Happy

    It's a "who can annoy the judge most" competition isn't it?

    I'd guess they are both heading for some naughty step duty regardless. Judge Lucy Koh sounds like she may even give them a wee slap on the way?

  13. Medium Dave
    Facepalm

    The movie of this is going to be a trilogy, I just know it.

    I wonder when thr box set will be out?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "I'm not smoking crack, I promise you that,"

    What I may or may not have done during my lunch break is none of your business, though.

    1. I sound like Peter Griffin!!
      Thumb Up

      Re: "I'm not smoking crack, I promise you that,"

      I WAS, but am not anymore, so your allegation is invalid!

  15. VinceH Silver badge
    Trollface

    " insisting that the fruity firm had timed its witnesses so that it would be able to make it through all 22 in the time allotted."

    Hmm.

    " insisting that the fruity firm's witnesses had rehearsed their scripts so that they would be able to make it through all 22 in the time allotted."

    There. Fixed it for them.

    1. Darryl
      Joke

      Also, 22 witnesses at anywhere between $80,000 and $500,000 each is a lot of money.

  16. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Devil

    Tempting

    If I were judge I'd almost be willing to let them try it. Of course the caveat would be that I'd need a copy of the schedule and questions in advance and needless to say any deviation more than 2 seconds from said schedule or script would result in the second chair taking over as the lead crackhead council would be cooling his heels behind bars for contempt until the jury came back with a verdict. Would I ask the jury to very carefully review each and every single word of the entire trial transcript during deliberations? Why the thought never crossed my mind, until now.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have no sympathy for any of these fools...

    ...including the judge who seems to lack a lot of self-control, herself.

  18. TheTallGuy
    WTF?

    "I'm not smoking crack", lawyer speak for I'm sucking on LSD tabs... that "crack" by the judge does mean many many more years work for the lawyers if not this judge however and higher prices for the punters.

  19. TeeCee Gold badge
    Facepalm

    What a silly question.

    Everyone knows that lawyers snort coke through 100 dollar bills.

  20. Joerg
    Thumb Down

    Judges.. mafia scum...

    Lucy Koh clearly is a drug addict. She thinks everyone smokes crack like her.

    Judges nowadays are the new mafia. They are society parasites.

  21. Sarah Davis
    Coat

    BORING,...

    is it just me or is this whole thing preposterously boring now

    they're like two petulant children, you turn your back and they mess about, you turn back round and they both point at and blame the other - they both need a good slap and go and stand in the naughty corner for wasting everybody's time.

    Imagine if Tim Berners Lee had been as anal as apple, we'd have no internet. Lets just boycott Apple and Samsung and buy from less anal companies

    yawn,.. i know,.. i'll get my coat

    1. Mark .

      Re: BORING,...

      Didn't you know, Steve Jobs invented the Internet too?

      (Seriously - when Jobs died, I actually saw someone crediting Jobs for inventing "sort of" the Internet. Because TBL had uses a Next computer, and obviously he wouldn't have been able to do that without Jobs. The idea that he might have used another computer was beyond this guy. I tried pointing out that by that logic, we might as well credit the CEO of Motorola, who supplied the CPU - but he didn't even have a clue who the CEO of Motorola was at that time, let alone know if he'd have died. Or indeed, the CEO of the company that made the floppy drive... And sadly, that was one of the lesser mad claims I saw made on that day.)

  22. Nuke
    Joke

    On Crack

    Quote :

    ---------------------------

    "I'm not smoking crack, I promise you that," Apple attorney Bill Lee replied .....

    Koh seemed incredulous

    ---------------------------

    So am I. I thought anyone who loves Apple must be on something.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: On Crack

      "I thought anyone who loves Apple must be on something."

      He doesn't love Apple; he's a lawyer and loves only money.

  23. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Why crack?

    "Crack" cocaine is the super-addictive processed form of cocaine that is verbal shorthand for any failure of critical judgment. I don't know enough about this subject to say whether it's relevant to mention crack here.

    Actually, ordering way too many witnesses is more like the lawyer's version of a marijuana user's "munchies", isn't it?

  24. Alan Denman

    Apple are seeding the future

    Obviously Apple are just watering their dope plants.

  25. Tim Brown 1
    Holmes

    Lucy who?

    Am I the only one who, when I hear the name Lucy Koh gets her confused with the actress Lucy Liu who played a judge with dominatrix tendencies in Ally McBeal...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Lucy who?

      Really - she doesn't make you think of potassium hydroxide?

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Lucy who?

        Possibly more caustic.

    2. stanimir

      Re: Lucy who?

      Tim, you oughta get out more... it's Friday, seize the opportunity tonight.

  26. Trollslayer Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    Fine both of them

    And put the CEOs in prison for six months.

    This is disgraceful abuse of the legal system.

  27. James 36

    lucy liu

    hmmm

    http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0008756/

    sorry got a bit distracted what were we talking about ?

  28. jason 7

    I just want my daily dose of Tech Site news......

    ...to get back to tech.

    The past few years it just reads like Daily Corporate Lawyer News.

    Boring.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I just want my daily dose of Tech Site news......

      So, then don't read the daily drama... I'm pretty sure you knew what you were in for when you read the headline

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm guessing that the judge is in trouble

    Her lack of control in the courtroom and totally inappropriate comments should get her booted from the bench for awhile I suspect.

  30. The Alpha Klutz
    Alert

    i smoke crack in court

    im not usually the lawyer tho

  31. PAW
    Boffin

    ask Judge Penfield Jackson

    Have you all forgotten Microsoft's (successful) strategy? Piss off the judge so much that you can claim judicial bias when he/she rules against you.

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