back to article And the worst film NEVER made is...

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to announce the winner of our reader poll to select the worst film never made. And the winner is... Our movie poster for The Phantom Menace: The Musical Yes indeed, the nightmarish prospect of Eddie Murphy as Jar-Jar Binks swung the popular vote, with The Phantom Menace: The …

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  1. 1Rafayal
    Paris Hilton

    I quite liked Megashark vs Giant Octopus...

    I await witty put downs, thumb downs etc.

    1. Jon Double Nice
      Mushroom

      Megashark vs Giant Octopus is so kitsch

      it's awesome! One of my favourite bits was watching the clocks jump around in the background of scenes where they were cut together from so many takes. That kind of attention to apparently not paying attention to detail requires a particular level of commitment that I think commands respect.

      All I'm saying is, if Banksy had sprayed Megashark vs Giant Octopus up as one of his atrocious stencils then it would be a whole different story, except that it would have been retrograde derivative bilge.

  2. Pete 2 Silver badge

    picking nits

    > Starring Justin Bieber ... Barbara Streisand ...

    Having watched ToTP 1977 last night, shouldn't that be Barbra Streisand (though I'm not blameless, for many years I thought her last name was Streisland)

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: picking nits

      True, which is why her TV series and album were called "My Name Is Barbra'

      I'm now embarassed to have admitted that I knew that...

      1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

        Re: picking nits

        A Bar-bra, is that like an under wired bra? only more uncomfortable

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: picking nits

      I just tried seeing if I could make a Star Wars pun on any of her singles or albums. Gave up.

  3. Jon Double Nice

    If you swapped Elton and Lucas over

    so it was directed by Elton John, I would go & see this.

  4. Svantevid

    God almighty, I've just found a perfect way to hide my porn.

    Can I borrow "The Phantom Menace - The Musical" image for a DVD cover?

    1. Severen
      Stop

      NEVER hide porn in a case with the word "Musical" on it!

      There's nothing more guaranteed to make a woman want to watch a DVD than labelling it a musical.

      1. TheOtherHobbes

        Unless it's

        The Human Centipede - The Musical.

        Shame that missed the nominations, eh?

        Mind you, anything by Rodgers and Hammerstein is pretty bad too.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The Human Centipede - The Musical

          Do keep in mind what you're doing to yourself when you actually do go searching for your porn though...

        2. Lord Midas
          Facepalm

          Re: Unless it's

          Not much singing in that one then

        3. The Indomitable Gall

          Human Centipede: the musical

          Lead character: the entire cast of hit stage show "Stomp!"

  5. Reading Your E-mail
    Coat

    Wrong way around

    Surely the winner should have just got the one crap DVD, with the third place getting all ten, with fourth place getting all ten and being forced to watch them all back to back without recreating "that scene from scanners" :)

  6. PikeyDawg

    Haha, wow

    That poster is pure win! Congrats to the winners : )

  7. Tom 38 Silver badge
    Stop

    10 worst films ever made

    Its not the '10 worst films ever made', its the "10 worst popular successful blockbuster films ever made", big difference.

    True shit doesn't get seen by a lot of people, otherwise The Room would be top of that list.

    1. Magnus_Pym

      Re: 10 worst films ever made

      Agree. Try Kirk Douglas's 'the Swimmer'.

      1. DMT

        Re: 10 worst films ever made

        Burt Lancaster

        1. Juan Inamillion

          Re: 10 worst films ever made

          I remember watching that and at the end wanted to kill someone for taking away 90 minutes (ish) of my life...

  8. Blubster
    Happy

    GitMeMyShootinIrons

    What sort of sadistic twisted mind comes up with an idea like The Phantom Menace: The Musical ?

    Was he/she dropped on their head as a baby? Did they suffer abuse and bullying in childhood? Whatever it was, I've never in all my years, countenanced such diabolical evil as this.

    Justin Bieber as Aniken Skywalker? Oh, the humanity!

    1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Re: GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Answers in descending order....

      A depressed one who now appears to have wan a collection of pain and suffering that surely must be a breach of the Geneva Convention and certain weapons treaties.

      Frequently, frequently and Mwah, ha haaa!

      As for Bieber as Skywalker and Striesand as Amidala - think of the implications for the kissy scenes in episode 2...

      1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
        Happy

        Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

        The dark side is strong in this one.

    2. Armando 123

      Re: GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Perhaps, to paraphrase P.G. Wodehouse, when you start with a baby like that, you don't need to drop him on his head.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Now Beiber as Jarjar binks wouldnt be unlikely...

  9. Zombie Womble

    My ears are bleeding just at the thought of it.

  10. GitMeMyShootinIrons
    Thumb Up

    Thanks....

    Thanks for all the votes. Or no thanks, given the prize...

    1. Arctic fox
      Thumb Up

      @GitMeMyShootinirons. For me the killer aspect to this film was the..........

      ........the casting of Eddie Murphy as Jar-Jar Binks. Given the nightmare that the original Jar-Jar was (it was the first and only time that I felt an overpowering urge to bite the back of the cinema seat in front of me and howl noooooo at the top of my voice) I feel that only Mr Murphy can truly do justice to this role.

  11. Tim K
    Thumb Down

    Hmmm

    While I applaud the selection of Avatar, most of this list is blockbusters, most all very recent, and contains no bad classics. Where is Death Wish III? Penitentiary III? Nine Deaths of the Ninja?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hmmm

      All gone, lost in the mists of time.

    2. Reading Your E-mail
      Stop

      Re: Hmmm

      Hey now, nine deaths of the ninja with 'Lollipop' was superb next to the likes of "Sewage Baby" and "Killer Nun"

  12. Haku

    Snakes on a Plane in the top 10?

    Oh come on, the whole premise of the film is right there in the fricken title!

    That's like going to the supermarket and buying Hedgehog Flavoured Crisps and then complaining they taste terrible, WTF did you expect?

    (I actually did have some hedgehog flavoured crisps as a kid, they did taste terrible, and I did like Snakes on a Plane because I knew what it was going to be like before watching it - a silly popcorn hollywood flick with no aspirations of being anything with substance)

    1. Lamont Cranston
      Megaphone

      Re: Hedgehog Crisps

      They were a brand, not a flavour! I got sick of explaining this at school - I can't believe it's come back to haunt me.

      Eating a pack of Sea Salt & Cider Vinegar flavour, made me feel like such a sophisticated 8 year old.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Hedgehog Crisps

        Whilst they were a brand, the brand came about as their first creation WAS a hedgehog flavour crisp. They apparently asked a gypsy to be their taster in order to get an authentic experience.

      2. JoeF

        Re: Hedgehog Crisps

        They apparently were a flavor:

        http://www.doyouremember.co.uk/memory.php?memID=4286

        "In the UK in 1981, Hedgehog Foods Ltd decided, as a joke, to produce Hedgehog flavoured crisps (potato chips). To everyone's surprise, the crisps were a huge success.

        Hedgehog flavoured crisps were actually flavoured with pork fat and no hedgehogs were used in the manufacturing process."

        1. Lamont Cranston

          @ JoeF

          As Nicholas Parsons might say, "I'll let you have the benefit of the doubt."

  13. Ty Cobb
    Alert

    And now something completely different

    Worst Film Ever - check

    Worst Film Never done - check

    BEST Worst Film, Really Really Bad Film that was so bad it's hilarious, favorite bad film you have to watch when it's on TV, i.e, cult classic, etc. Why not do that list?

    Entry number one - The Barbarians

    Number two - Killer Clowns From Outerspace

    And - Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is the obvious one that comes to mind - let's pass on that one, be more original

    1. Lamont Cranston

      Re: And now something completely different

      Great idea, but every other entry would be a Larry Cohen film, so it wouldn't really be fair.

      1. Juan Inamillion
        Unhappy

        Re: And now something completely different

        No, every film by Adam Sandler....

    2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: And now something completely different

      In relation to the earlier Streisand remark, I just read that as

      The Barbrarians

      and of course I had to think of Cohen the Barbarian (a.k.a. Ghenghiz Cohen)

      Mine is the one with "Interesting Times" in the pocket/

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: And now something completely different

      Hey, if you're doing AKT, you have to do AKT 2 as well.

      Anon for obvious reasons.

    4. Cubical Drone

      Re: And now something completely different

      My nomination for this category would be Deathstalker. It totally fits the 'so bad it's hilarious' description. In fact, it seemed to dawn on the makers what ended up happening, so they tried to do it on purpose with Deathstalker II, but you can never pull off that sort of thing on purpose, so it was just very bad.

  14. philbo

    I think I've got one of the songs from that...

    Oh, Luke, do not be mad

    When I tell you I'm your Dad

    Honest, it's a blessing, not a curse

    Though I missed the whole palaver

    Of being there as father

    Gotta say things could be so much worse, so

    Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force

    ,.didn't want to post the whole lot, you can read the rest here:

    http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/ericidle0.shtml

  15. John 62
    Headmaster

    The C Programming Language

    If it was like those Open University Maths lectures from the 70s the BBC2 used to show it might be quite a good film, probably better than PHP for Dummies.

    1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

      Re: The C Programming Language

      Beware of the Dark Side of programming Lurk....

      no runtime checking

      no strict type checking

      beware the curse of the NULL pointer

      Even those that claim to have mastered it can't always read it...

      1. Lallabalalla
        Go

        Re: The C Programming Language

        You could be describing AS3

  16. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    No applause. This is simply a list of SFX-riddled nonsense which anyone could wave a fist at and say stinks. I agree - where are the pre-cgi suckers? This says as much about the voters as it does about what they voted for. Seriously, what sort of sad bastard would even switch on the TV for anything with "megashark" in the title?

    But even if I handwave that, a list that doesn't at least mention the remake of the Flight of the Phoenix is worthless in a "worst movie ever" enumeration.

    1. Ty Cobb

      Re: Bah!

      The movie sucked, horribly

      But - the shark ate a plane! Unfortunately they did not capitilize on the campy aspect, and you saw the entire shark/plane meal in the trailer.

  17. Francis Vaughan

    Poster?

    A humble request.

    Any chance of making a really high res version of the poster available? This one is so good it deserves more than just a fleeting exposure in el Reg's article.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Poster?

      I'll ask our design geezer Andy...

      1. Ken Hagan Gold badge
        Unhappy

        Re: Poster?

        Sadly, you might need to float the idea past your legal team, too.

        1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

          Re: Re: Poster?

          Pah

    2. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: Poster?

      I second that request.

      As soon as my daughter saw it, she asked me to print it so she could put it up in her room at the boarding school.

      She is gleefully expecting the explanation sessions about where the poster came from and how Twilight is so bad it only made the 3rd spot in the Worst Films Ever Made list.

      Dear Lord, what have I done ? I have unleashed a monster on the face of this poor Earth !

  18. Matt Newman 1

    Highlander II was so bad, when Highlander III came out they even ignored the fact that there was a II, now that is how to tell you made a CRAP movie. Hell it didn't even fit the story line which excluding 2 was pervasive in all (8 of them I think, including an anime version) the movies in the series.

  19. Matt Newman 1

    Highlander II was an epic Failure of a film! Glad to see it on the list

    Highlander II was so bad, when Highlander III came out they even ignored the fact that there was a II, now that is how to tell you made a CRAP movie. Hell it didn't even fit the story line which excluding 2 was pervasive in all (8 of them I think, including an anime version) the movies in the series.

    1. Tom 13
      Joke

      Re: Highlander II was an epic Failure of a film! Glad to see it on the list

      You know, you'd of thought the producers would have gotten the point. I mean, how many times did the actors tell them:

      "There can be only one!"

      1. The Indomitable Gall
        Joke

        Re: Highlander II was an epic Failure of a film! Glad to see it on the list

        "There can be only one!"?

        Someone should have told Matt Newman 1 that before he double-posted!

  20. Munchausen's proxy
    Pint

    Your entry needs only one more thing

    You seem to have left Baz Luhrmann off the credits.

    Or Golan-Globus.

  21. Colin Critch
    Happy

    It must be "Return of the Barbarian Women"

    1. Tom 13

      @Colin Critch

      "We now return you to your regularly scheduled film. There will be NO further interruptions of Amazon Women on The Moon."

  22. David Webb

    *clap clap*

    Joyful commiseration to the Winner, I eagerly await your response to the postmans question "what the heck is in here?" where you have to explain your delivery of such classics as Twilight, Twilight or indeed, Twilight... Did I mention Twilight?

    1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Re: *clap clap*

      I may put on a mask and make random DVD donations thorough letterboxes.

      Probably even more offensive than stuffing through a burning bag of dog faeces.

  23. Zot
    WTF?

    The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It

    No wait, THAT actually DOES exists!

    Look: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1498870

    : )

    1. Dozer
      WTF?

      Re: The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It

      NOOOOOO

      It DOES actually exist........how?!?

  24. TechnicalBen Silver badge

    And the director is...

    I like how you have chosen a cast that most people would want to avoid, and kept true to the original, the Director we already do!

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    it already happened....

    it already happened...

    http://vimeo.com/7624392

    . .

    Wierd Al Yankovic - The Saga Begins

    also check out "Yoda" by the same guy.

    Anonymous because... well obvious really.

  26. johnwerneken
    Paris Hilton

    But I liked AVATAR

    Unobtanium was a kewl idea as was mind melding into an avatar. The world mind is an old idea and I don't thing getting from here to unobtanium gets us any where near creating THAT...and I could do without the resource-extraction=bad, nude natives=good baloney. Yet it's a tear jerker in the traditional style and the mine melding with the buzzards or whatever that they ride on, that was kewl too.

    I agree I didn't like Titanic except for the engine room scenes. Don't accept the premise I guess.

  27. garbo
    Facepalm

    But surely...

    Manos - The Hands of Fate ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/ ) should be on the list. Appallingly awful, without any of the redeeming qualities of Cat Women of the Moon (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045609/ ), my other favorite for inducing nausea. Where else can we enjoy Victor Jory as the love interest?! Yikes!

  28. Local Group
    FAIL

    Can I nominate a child's cartoon.

    I don't go to terrible movies because of all the sex and violence. Chick flicks all end the same way. That leaves cartoons which I find very satisfying.

    But I made a big mistake when I rented "The Sponge Bob That Didn't Bark."

    Save your money.

  29. mtp
    Devil

    Backing singers

    Don't forget the backing singers.

    Steven Segal as Qui-Gon Jinn (starring in the tap dance scene)

    Danny Devito as Yoda

    Sylvester Stallone as Senator Palpatine.

  30. phr0g
    Happy

    worst films

    Where's Austin Powers? A comedy with 2 laughs.

    Where's the classic "Plan 9 from Outer space"?

    Oh, and I loved Avatar although make no pretence that it was anything other than 3 hours of eye candy.

  31. Keith Smith 1
    WTF?

    Umm. . . Ishtar missed the list ?

    Ishtar. Campy movies have some redeeming ridicule value. Ishtar I actually walked out of. That two big name actors would actually star in such drivel. . .

    Maybe I'm too old.

  32. Magnus_Pym

    Any good Eddie Murphy films...

    ... come about completely by accident in my opinion.

  33. viciouz
    Linux

    What about...

    The gripping computer forensics thriller, Kill -9 from User Space?

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