back to article So what's the worst movie NEVER made?

Our hunt for the worst movie ever proved highly popular with you, our beloved cinema-going readers, and the list of nominees makes such chilling reading that we began to wonder if it would be possible to shoot a film so atrocious that it would prompt audiences to run screaming from the cinema vowing never again to badmouth …

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  1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

    However, you risk going over the top and becoming hilariously funny. The simpler method would probably be simply giving Michael Bay a very big budget and whatever you do do not interfere with his decisions. The man has an unerring instinct in getting it wrong. He could be considered the Bergholt Stuttley Johnson of cinema.

    1. JDX Gold badge

      Re: Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

      If your metric for "getting it all wrong" is making huge piles of cash, then you're right.

      1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

        I think the OP meant getting it all wrong in reference to Art vs Commerce.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

      Actually, if you strip away the shouty twin and comedy jar-jar bits, there's a lot of potential in the basic idea of a retelling of Heart of Darkness in a post-apocalyptic future SF setting. It could be done seriously well if someone wanted to try.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

        Indeed. One part of the book that wasn't in Apocalypse Now was that the Marlow asks his listeners to consider the plight of a Roman sailor, navigating his way up the Thames. Surrounded by mists, grey skies, no wine... amongst savages. Entering the heart of darkness.

        For the futuristc remake, this same framing juxtaposition could be Coppola's Apocolypse Now, and the main story (with Kurtz) could be told from the point of view of a South East Asian Marlowe, moving deeper into what had once been the USA, but now a savage wasteland. Asian trading Companies ('The Company', or the 'East India Company'!) have been sponsoring expeditions to the North American wastelands for profit, in the form of scrap metals and other resources.

        Hey AC, let's get together with some pens and paper

        : D

      2. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

        retelling of Heart of Darkness

        > there's a lot of potential in the basic idea of a retelling of Heart of Darkness in a post-apocalyptic

        > future SF setting. It could be done seriously well if someone wanted to try.

        I can't think of an example off the top of my head, but most likely it has been (tried, not necessarily done well). _Apocalypse Now_ is on the edge of "post-apocalypic future SF"; there's little thematic difference between the contemporary-guerrilla-war setting of AN and many visions of the post-apocalyptic. _Escape from New York_ has elements of the central HoD trope, though it's essentially a different story (closer to Kipling's _Kim_, for example). And so on.

        HoD and its analogues reiterate a standard dichotomy of European imperialism from the 19th and early 20th centuries: the dominant middle class, fearing that its powers are waning, wants to consume (destroy / enslave / learn from / screw) "native" peoples, whom it fetishizes as energetic / spiritual / etc; but it's also worried that it will find them too attractive and "go native". It shows up in any number of novels of the period. In James' _The Ambassadors_, you have the HoD plot except the tempting-woman figure is French (but spoiled by having been married to some Eastern European aristocrat) rather than Congolese. In Trollope's _Barchester Towers_, she's English (but spoiled by having been married to some Italian aristocrat). In Wharton's _The Age of Innocence_, she's American (but spoiled by ... you get the idea).

        A great many of our SF tales are just imperialist nostalgia.

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

          Re: retelling of Heart of Darkness

          "This too was one of the dark places of the world"

          That start of storytelling by Marlow is just great. It is very hard to top. Then there is the crazy case of the lone French cruiser shelling the amorphous jungle while its crew members are dying at a rate of fifteen a day from disease. They still keep to their task of shelling the "enemy" who is totally invisible.

          So my question has to be: Does Heart of Darkness need retelling? I am not against retelling and reshaping stories (that has been going on through history). Even great stories can grow in retelling, and retelling can get people to read the original. The original in this case is very powerful indeed. Much as I liked Apocalypse Now, I still prefer reading Heart of Darkness. Does it need retelling in SF?

          1. Dave 126 Silver badge

            Re: retelling of Heart of Darkness

            @Michael H.F. Wilkinson

            Perhaps it doesn't need retelling, but it is this idea of the framing ( 'we were once the savages') not present Apocalypse Now which would be fun to play with. Only from our Western perspective, it will be 'We WILL be the savages' in the proposed retelling, since the protagonists will be Asian.

            I am glad we have both Conrad and Coppolla, just as both Seven Pillars of Wisdom and Lawrence of Arabia are remarkable in their respective mediums.

            On this subject, the director of the Royal Shakespeare Company was on Midweek on Radio4, IIRC, addressing the issue of updating the Bard's stories.

            Of course, the opposite arguments has its merits: some would ask 'Why bother even pretending you've come up with an original plot when the Greeks are bound to have already done it? - Just retell it!'

            @Wojcik

            Agreed.

            But colonialism is as old as the hills. It gives you mixtures of cultures, battles and exotic maidens... ie box office gold! When Isaac Asimov laid down some tips for sci-fi writers, he said to read up on your history. Being a professor of the Old Testament (and of bio-chemistry) gave him a head start, though! A lesson not lost on Ridley Scott, it seems.

            Now, where did I put my copy of Nostromo?

    3. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

      Re: Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

      An upvote Sir for the reference to Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, or as he is know to discworld fans, "Bloody Stupid Johnson".

      One of Bloody Stupid Johnson's inventions is the great organ in the at Unseen University, which like some of Bay's films, have caused 'acute bowel discomfort' in a significant proportion of the population.

    4. asdf Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: Valiant effort for a really poor film script!!

      Anybody that can watch the dreaded Manos and Monster A Go Go 1960's matinee from hell is a true masochist. And watching the MST3000 versions is cheating, kind of like reading Chaucer in modern English.

  2. Pete 2

    Avatar-enders

    2 solid hours of blue beings arguing. Nuff said, innit.

    1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

      Re: Avatar-enders

      Isn't that the Smurfs movie?

    2. asdf Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: Avatar-enders

      Pocahontas with 9 feet smurfs.

  3. Tony S
    Devil

    OMG!

    I had thought about suggesting "9/11 - the Musical" - that had to be a favourite.

    But guess what...

    http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/31/its-a-movie-a-rock-musical-and-its-rooted-in-911/

    1. Tony S
      Devil

      Re: OMG!

      The PFY then suggested "Titanic - on ice". How we laughed.

      Till we found this...

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_zey8IaIoM&feature=related

    2. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: OMG!

      Beware the 'Springtime for Hitler' situation: If you really really try to make it bad, it might end up brilliant.

      Mel Brooks' The Producers.

      1. Bush_rat
        Pint

        Re: OMG!

        perfect, so in order for it to be bad, it NEEDS to be an accident. Hmmmm........

        I've got it! We'll get every commentard to play 1 big game of chinese whispers and thats how'll we'll wright the script. We just need 1 script to start with then, chinese whisper it, and POOF! Instant pure accident for a script. Then we need a near infinit budget for the catering department but no where else, guaranties it wont get anywhere near breaking even.

        And then we all get piss drunk and assign ourselves the roles of director, actor producer etc. And then do all the CGI in MSPaint!

        WE CANT WIN!

  4. mark adrian bell
    Meh

    skewed

    These polls are highly skewed by what kind of viewer responds. For example, I saw 'The Room' with a bunch of rabid fans and even tho it's the worst movie I've ever seen, I laughed until I cried. What a great experience! I wish I'd dressed in red cocktail outfit and brought an American football to toss around between scenes. On the other hand, wild horses could not drag me into a cinema to see Twilight: Waking Dawn or any film by Michael Bey.

    1. Sooty

      Totally agree

      Snakes on a plane is hardly Oscar bait, but it's not that dreadful. It depends on how you approach it, it just happened to have Samuel L Jackson in it so people saw it expecting more.

    2. Tom Maddox Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: skewed

      "These polls are highly skewed by what kind of viewer responds."

      The hell you say.

      1. ArmanX
        Mushroom

        Say what you will...

        But I can think of no worse movie than one co-produced by Michael Bay and Uwe Bolle.

        [shudder]

  5. Geoff May

    Rocky XXXVIII

    Title says it all

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      Re: Rocky XXXVIII

      I think this may have some legs..

      Picture

      A necromancer who conjurs up an undead army to take over the world.

      A 'good' wizard gets permission from on high (that is, whilst high) to resurrect ONE dead hero - switch to Rocky's grave and some special wizardry effects.

      Up pops zombie Rocky to kick arse. If he gets hold of a bow and arrow with explosive tips then it could also double as a Rambo zombie film.

      1. Bush_rat

        Re: Rocky XXXVIII

        ... and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the corner holding a toy helicopter rocking back and forth chanting "get to the chopper....." over and over

  6. Whitter
    Trollface

    Monica Lewinski: Straight from the Horse's Mouth.

    'Nuff said.

  7. JDX Gold badge

    Quentin Tarentino...

    ...to write a film about the holocaust.

    1. Phil Standen
      Trollface

      Re: Quentin Tarentino...

      staring Mel Gibson

      1. NomNomNom

        Re: Quentin Tarentino...

        a better version of schindlers list where gibson asks each person in turn "are you jewish?" and if so, adds their name to his list

    2. disgruntled yank Silver badge

      Re: Quentin Tarentino...

      Or Steven Spielberg directing one! Or Roberto Benigni starring in one!

      So many possibilities....

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Titanic II

    This time it's unsinkable!

    [Insert current US bogeyman] plans on sinking the US built liner Titanic II; only [insert Hollywood actor], the ships cook (who was a Navy Seal), can stop them! After much violence (but not much bloodshed so as to get a 12 rating) the Titanic II limps home with the hero (wearing a tattered vest) at the wheel.

    1. stucs201

      Re: Titanic II

      Nice try, but there's already a spoof trailer for a titanic 2. "Too the surface" or something. The plot involves defrosting Leonardo's character in the modern day. Trailer is great, but I suspect an actual film would be pretty bad.

      1. AndeckVee
        Meh

        Re: Titanic II

        sure I noticed Titanic 2 being advertised on SCI-FI channel the other day...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Titanic II

          > sure I noticed Titanic 2 being advertised on SCI-FI channel the other day...

          http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1640571/

    2. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Titanic II

      Yeah, but it wouldn't be as bad as the one where the same ship's cook helps some Native Americans fight an oil well.

      Steven Seagal Juice:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IId64OJdCKM

    3. Daniel B.

      Re: Titanic II

      Too late, The Asylum already did that one. It involves a *literal* Titanic II, which gets smashed by an iceberg traveling at supersonic speeds.

      No, I didn't pull that script out of my ass, I actually watched it. They ripped off not only Titanic, but also Poseidon (the crappy remake that is) and The Abyss...

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not the absolute worst

    Surely these are the Worst of the Best, rather than the absolute worst? There must be countless thousands more really terrible films no-one's ever heard of - straight to DVD or worse (student efforts). At least these are well known enough to have disappointed viewers!

    How can Avatar be so terrible if you look at what it pulled in? This is ridiculous!

    1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: "How can Avatar be so terrible .... ?"

      "There's a sucker born every minute"

      -Attr. to P. T. Barnum

    2. Christian Berger Silver badge

      The money a movie makes is not correlated to its quality

      It's more a function of marketing budget. Just look at "The Rescuers Downunder" or "The Secret of Nimh".

    3. Nuke
      Gimp

      Re: Not the absolute worst

      Agreed. Some of these (eg Titanic, War of the Worlds) are simply films that people have seen relatively recently and did not like. They are no-where near the league of the worst 10 ever made.

      It is accepted by most film buffs that the worst ever film was the 1959 "Plan 9 from Outer Space", not even in this list.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plan_9_from_Outer_Space

      It was a combination of corny Sci-Fi and horror, directed by the cross-dressing and fetish expert Ed Wood. It is laughable both for the plot, the painful slowness of the action and the childishly obvious cardboard-and-string props. "Best" of all, the elderly star (Bela Lugosi) died during the production, so Ed Wood filled in with bits of home [silent] movies of Lugosi wandering around in his garden.

      The film helped to get Ed Wood awarded the title of "Worst Director of All Time". You have to see Plan 9 to believe it - try to find a copy. It has cult status, giving its name to a Unix operating system and a rock band, among other things.

      Fetish Icon

      1. Oliver 7

        Re: Not the absolute worst

        Thought I should add that another film well worth watching is Tim Burton's eponymous biopic of Ed Wood, starring Johnny Depp of course but, for once, wonderfully cast for the ham he is! I loved the scene where, dressed in a frock and wig, he bumps into Orson Welles - hilarious!

  10. Metal Marv
    Happy

    Have none of you ever been here : http://www.badmovies.org/

    This place really does list all the moves that are "so bad, they're good".

    1. Z-Eden
      Thumb Up

      Re: Have none of you ever been here : http://www.badmovies.org/

      Love that site. And now I have a sudden urge to watch Hawk the Slayer. Truly the zenith of all cinema!

      1. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

        zenith - I do not think that word means what you think it means

        I assume you meant 'nadir'. But I suppose you could be living in the antipodes. That would work, right?

      2. pete23
        Thumb Up

        Hawk the Slayer

        A masterpiece of cinema.

    2. Tom 38 Silver badge

      Re: Have none of you ever been here : http://www.badmovies.org/

      If you like bad movies, may I recommend the Ruthless Guide to 80s Action Movies:

      http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/the-ruthless-guide-to-80s-action/

      One of the many wonderful movies it put me on to is "McBain". Christopher Walken is "McBain", an ex Vietnam POW who decides to invade Nicaragua with 4 of his buddies with guns they nicked from some drug dealers. Whilst flying a single prop into Nicaragua, McBain shoots down a jet, with a revolver, from inside his cockpit. Mad props!

      1. Oliver 7

        Re: Have none of you ever been here : http://www.badmovies.org/

        Blind Fury anyone?

        A blind Vietnam vet (Rutger Hauer), trained as a swordfighter, comes to America and helps to rescue the son of a fellow soldier.

  11. Kimo
    Alert

    A live-action remake of Akira with adult, white actors in the role of young Japanese teenagers. Perhaps Keanu Reeves as Tetsuo and Micholas Cage as Kaneda? Surprisingly, Michael Bay will not direct. Lars Von Trier will be at the helm.

    1. David Webb

      I believe the objective is to go for films not made/being made.... it's been in the works a long time with WB having the rights.

      1. Kimo

        Yes...but I added I've upped the bad to unfilmable levels.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          > Yes...but I added I've upped the bad to unfilmable levels.

          You underestimate the depths Hollywood is prepared to plumb.

          Last I heard Keanu Reeves was slated to play Spike in the live action remake of Cowboy Bebop....

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Reeves playing Spike.

            Last I heard we got lucky and they abandoned the idea.

            The TV Sessions and Movie are among my all time favourite Anime.

            1. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

              Re: Reeves playing Spike.

              > The TV Sessions and Movie are among my all time favourite Anime

              If I had to choose, I'd rank Samurai Champloo a notch higher than Bebop. Shinichirō Watanabe did both of them.

          2. Dave 126 Silver badge

            Yep, I heard that. When Spike always reminded me of a gaunt Bob Dylan.

            Spiegal!

          3. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

            live-action version of cowboy bebop?

            Oh God, no.

            Although he's been OK in some roles, no amount of mind bleach can eat away the memory of the steaming turd that was Johnny Mnemonic. To be fair, it wasn't just his acting--the whole screenplay/treatment was just atrocious.

    2. stuartrc

      re: live action Akira

      Hmm,

      that is a terrifying combination combination, you are probably going to be getting a selection of bad movies soon.

    3. Kimo

      Possible female leads: Kristen Stewart as Kei and Bjork in a stunningly tragic portrayal of Kaori.

      1. stuartrc

        They should ride Harley Davidsons to ensure the film tests well with the all important middle america segment. A great endorsement opportunity as well!

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Kimo

          Clowns on Vespas, Capsules on Harleys. Imagine the chase scenes with Danny Elfman's reinterpretation of "Yakety Sax" playing in the background..

          1. earl grey Silver badge
            Mushroom

            Curse you

            Now i've got that playing in my head.....GAAAAAHHHHHHH

    4. Ru

      Well, it isn't a live action remake, but...

      This would seem to be a terrible spectre of things to come:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jafd97yJFOI

  12. Armando 123

    The Secret Life of Madeleine Albright

    Starring Whoopi Goldberg and featuring many Saturday Night Live alumni. Because to get a really bad movie, you have to have Whoopi Goldberg. And Saturday Night Live alumni.

  13. Jeebus

    What's with all the unfunny "I suggested Sewenso on cancer etcetera" then posting Youtube links to things that existed a long time before you took the idea you saw and tried to present it as an original idea.

  14. Bonce
    Thumb Up

    "Mayor! : Boris Johnson and Chums"

    I'm thinking a sort of riches to riches rom-com biopic detailing the trials of a young Boris at Eton and his rise to power

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Been done (-ish).

      At least the basic idea of an over-the-top movie about fairly ordinary English politicians. Back in the '80s, The Comic Strip did "Strike!", their version of the making of a Hollywood movie about the miner's strike, featuring Al Pacino as Arthur Scargill and Meryl Streep as his wife... (if only they'd had the foresight to cast her as Mrs. Thatcher!)

  15. Kimo

    I'm currently trying to line up funding for a musical based on the Third Reich. Working title is "Springtime for Hitler." I'm in talks with Nicolas Cage to play the lead and Kristen Stewart in her first all-singing role as Eva Braun.

    1. Tom 38 Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.

  16. Haku

    Howard The Duck II

    "The film that's sure to cause a stir...fry"

  17. Greg J Preece

    I really don't want to answer this. I don't want to give them ideas.

  18. hammarbtyp Silver badge

    Wrong way round

    Surely the winner should receive the worst DVD, 2nd 5, 3rd 10 .....

  19. Nigel 11
    Paris Hilton

    Wagner's ring cycle

    I'd suggest that a cimema version of Wagner's Ring Cycle has huge potentential as the worst film ever. It would help if the director han an ego even bigger than Wagner's and fancied himself as a conductor despite being tone deaf. It would help if the leading roles were taken by stars who couldn't sing. And it would help if it were relocated to a completely inappropriate place and time.

    Not sure if the cinema version would be longer than the stage version, or edited down to 80 minutes. Perhaps the director made the former, ran out of money, and the studio released it cut down to the latter?

    Paris cast as a fat lady who sings?

    1. graeme leggett

      Re: Wagner's ring cycle

      The trouble comes when you look at the visual content.

      You've got dwarfs(dwarves), giants, gods, a dragon, beautiful warrior women, a bit of naughty nookie, a mountain shrouded with fire, and a huge cataclysm at the end.

      And its naturally divided up into several parts.

      Your plan could go horribly wrong and we'd end up making millions.

      1. Mike Richards

        Re: Wagner's ring cycle

        And of course we'd be competing against the majestic Bugs Bunny version:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI

        However, if this were to go ahead may I suggest Mel Gibson directing as he'd get the whole Wagnerian schtick, and for lead singer - well you need a viking who can belt out a tune (sort of) - brace yourself - Dolph Lundgren does Elvis:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF6U2-_Dhw4

        Maybe Bette Midler could spring for Brunhilde?

  20. The elephant in the room

    Inglorious Basterds rebooted...

    ...in Gulf War 1.

    Esentially the same script, with Nazi changed to Ayrab and Hitler to Hoosain. Col Hans Landa becomes Osama Bin Laden AKA " The Woman With Uncovered Hair Hunter", who is in persuit of renegade Saudi princess Shosanna Al-Dreyfuss. The other half of Branjelina plays Lt Alda Reine, who heads up and all-female multi-ethnic commando team whose characters are all based on their ethnic stereotypes. Bin Laden's survival at the end, albeit with a cock carved into his forehead, leaves the door open for an explosive sequel in New York and Afganistan.

    But as this is all more believable and historically accurate than the Tarantino version it may not be bad enough an idea.

  21. Kimo
    Pint

    How about a big-screen version of "Barbary Coast" starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline?

  22. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
    Devil

    With Mel Gibson as Troy McClure...

    How about "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel", or indeed any other of Troy McClure's other titles: http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Troy_McClure_Films

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Collected Speeches of Enoch Powell.

    The musical.

  24. g e
    Facepalm

    Anything with Tom Cruise in it

    Especially if it were some kind of inverse of Being John Malkovich where everyone in the world turned into Cruise instead of anyone in the world being able to control John Malkovitch.

    Millions of Tom Cruise's running like a twat with a grimace, hitting walls (give me frustration, Tom, yeah that's great), being smug-yet-cheesey, looking like a rodent and being all Scientological and perhaps discovering Xenu's remains in Atlantis...

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Romeo, Juliet, an Alien and two time travellers.

    An alien (Jar Jar Binks) escapes from prison through a time vortex to 1590s Verona and is followed by two agents (Vin Diesel and Jennifer Anniston) in an attempt to recapture him.

    Meanwhile, Romeo (David Schwimmer) and Juliet (Kristen Stewart) go through the motions totally oblivious to the events surrounding them.

    The time agents place cameras at multiple locations in an attempt to track Jar Jar. All footage for both story arcs is captured from these fixed cameras and the cameras the agents are wearing.

    The future characters interact only with secondary past characters, but are instrumental in causing some past events, e.g. their use of stun guns causing some people to fight at less than their normal ability, delaying messages and thus in effect cause the tragedy of Romeo’s and Juliet’s deaths.

    On returning to the future, the storage device used by the agents falls out of Vin Diesels's pocket, and in 2012 the footage gets decoded by scientists.

    Directed by Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski.

    Music by Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Romeo, Juliet, an Alien and two time travellers.

      I like it, but you really have to work in two more characters played by Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen to really ensure the totally horrible quotient.

      1. MrT

        How about...

        ...Ferrell as 'Uncle' Mercutio, the man who never really grew up; Cohen as Tybalt, but played with an excruciating mid-Med accent (mostly schlock French, like on Talladega Nights but with a side of Mario Brothers).

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Sandman comics

    The idea of turning Neil Gaiman's classic graphic novels into a film was mooted many years ago. I remember the speculation about who should play Dream, with some suggesting Robert Smith of The Cure. Never mind that he's far too short (no offence to shorter people, but Dream is very tall), the whole idea was just terrible anyway.

  27. AndeckVee
    Terminator

    Terminator

    With Skynet running on iOS, at least your freedom would be taken away by really shiney robots

  28. This post has been deleted by its author

  29. Paul Woodhouse

    not sure if this would be good... or bad...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs

  30. This post has been deleted by its author

  31. Kimo

    The Baroque Cycle

    ...as a 90-minute Michael Bay action/adventure. Shia LaBeouf will star as Half-cock Jack. Bjork will make a surprise appearance as Eliza. Enoch Root will be a CGI alien using leftover Jar Jar Binks footage redubbed with a courtly English accent.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Mel Gibson to star as Richard Dawkins in...

    "You say you want some evolution" the musical with the winners of the Voice and Britains got talent colabarating on writing the theme tune and singing the theme tune

  33. NomNomNom

    The Hobbit in Space (and in 3D)

  34. TheOtherHobbes

    The Teletubbies

    Directed by John Carpenter

    1. NomNomNom

      Re: The Teletubbies

      "eh oh!"

      shit they've found us!

      aRRGGHHH (teletubbie rips marines stomach apart, intestines and guts go everywhere)

      A giant baby's face in the sky laughs in delight

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The Teletubbies

        The mental image of that f'ing baby laughing while people are getting disemboweled is just too much.

        I *HAVE* to f'ing see this!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The Teletubbies

      Teletubbies vs Predator.

      I'd pay to watch it tho.

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Re: The Teletubbies

        Unfair! The Predator's brains would implode after watching just one episode of teletubbies

  35. John A Blackley

    Close to made

    I read yesterday about a scriptwriter who went ballistic when his script for Maccabee didn't get made.

    Reason for the nomination? This genius was waiting for Mel Gibson to direct it.

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lovecraft

    I'm listening to the reading (Richard Coyle) of Shadows Over Innsmouth to cover the dreary drive to and fro work, and I have a feeling there's a fair bit of Lovercraft's work that could be bollocked up.

    Not taking some of the basic ideas and making your own film. eg "Cthulhu vs Godzilla", "the Star Spawn who loved me" but trying to do justice by the reading-someone's-diary-twist-at-end stories.

    i am overlooking the Herbert West: Reanimator films here for obvious reasons.

  37. Zog The Undeniable
    Gimp

    The Star Wars prequels

    In which George "I made two good films, in the 1970s" Lucas directs, screenwrites, does all the set design and composes the score.

    We discover why Jar-Jar Binks was exiled, although we wish he'd been messily executed to save him appearing in TPM, we follow Padme through queen school (in which she repeatedly fails to grasp quadratic equations until she learns a Jedi mind trick for solving them) and we experience the full misery of the Coruscant property price crash in 80 BBY, which is what turns Palpatine to the Dark Side - he had a big portfolio of buy-to-lets.

    The CGI effects are ramped up a further notch for this one, so you can actually see what's happening inside Qui-Gon Jinn's bowels after he consumes a Bantha burger during an ill-advised night out in the fleshpots of Mos Eisley.

  38. Mr Young
    Happy

    Hopefully when the aliens receive this?

    They will come to understand we are at one with our stupidity. Honestly - with that list I can't decide anymore so DO NOT send me a prize please thanks

  39. Martin 9

    The Titanic, directed by Uwe Boll.

    1. PikeyDawg
      Thumb Up

      Damn

      Thought I was going to be the first to call Uwe Boll. Guess I shouldn't have spent OH MY GOD DID I REALLY JUST SPEND 30 MINUTES WRITING THE TREATMENT FOR PEARL HARBOR 2?

  40. Jolyon Ralph

    The Ucyclopedia list of 100 WOrst movies of all time:

    contains such classics as:

    "Close Encounters of the Third Reich"

    Adolf Hitler returns in a UFO, and he's pissed.

    "Titanic vs Godzilla"

    At the end of the original Titanic, Bruce Willis (played by Leonardo Di Caprio) destroys the iceberg after drilling into it and planting a nuclear bomb in its core. But the RSS Titanic is far from safe. Blown off course, it heads into Japan, home of the notorious Godzilla

    "Andy Warhol Controls the Universe"

    Mr. Warhol hits new experimental heights in this film about a filmmaker making a film about a film whose filmmaker filmed it entirely with the lens cap on.

    "Paul Allen vs Predator"

    Can $21 billion protect you from an invisible alien hunting machine?

    and so on...

    http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_100_Movies_of_All_Time

  41. Mike Richards

    Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

    The majesty of Imperial Rome and the beauty of the Nile reimagined as life on a 1970s Dagenham Council estate starring Leslie Grantham and Katie Price.

    1. 0dd84ll

      Re: Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

      I would pay top dollar to see that. A reconstituted Lesley Grantham as a roman senator brilliant, problem wife hooked on the anphora of wine. A young maid (Katie price) with re-constituted goats fat for breasts looking for a future outside of the circus maxis hellosis

      1. proto-robbie
        Pirate

        Re: Mike Leigh's Cleopatra

        Pop in Gordon Ramsay as wacky psycho-emperor-chef Caligula (OK, I know...), and Boris Johnson as the intransigent Mayor of Alexandria, and you're looking at gold dust right there.

  42. Mike Brown

    Young Jesus; Bethlehem 90210

    Justin Beiber playing Jesus during his formative teens. We get to witness his school days, and the highjinks he and his chums get up to, (aptly acted by the TOWIE and The Hills cast). We also get a glimpse into the troubled angst that only the son of god can experiance, the issues that not having a a dad around can cause, and the loves and conquests of our lord and savoiur. The film ends with the Bethlehem High Prom, where our hero pops his cherry with Mary Magdelaine (played by Milly Cyrus), and manages to teach the local "Jockjews" a lesson they will never forget.

    Young Jesus: Bethlehem 90210 coming soon to a cinema near you!

  43. David Webb

    Untitled.

    The scene, it’s the future and mankind has destroyed almost the entire planet through a sudden and unexpected mass explosion caused by boob implants going bang, which really surprised the global warming people. Unknown at the time the implants actually contained a weird virus which turns everyone that comes in to contact with the silicone gel into nympho zombies. The film plays out with an unlikely group of (Z list celebs) people who hate each other trying to find a cure to the virus before they end up becoming mindless, sex crazed zombies.

    Half way through the film there is a sudden twist in the development, it turns out that the virus isn’t natural but actually made by dolphins so the group of people have to find a way to save the earth from the dolphins, forgetting totally about the zombies who are not mentioned again in the script.

    Towards the end of the film there is another twist, it turns out that the leader of the group is actually the son of the dolphin who created the virus in the first place, we then find out the reason the dolphins create the virus was because they were picking up digital TV signals and the constant barrage of BGT and X-Factor and all the other “talent” shows were slowly driving them insane, it then becomes a mad rush for them to get to the TV control centre and turn off the signals so the dolphins can regain their sanity and go back to their fight against the aliens who were invading the oceans.

    When they get to the TV station there is a gratuitous sex scene written by the winner of the bad sex awards, during the scene the womans boobs explode, the end.

    Director: George Lucas.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Untitled.

      Excellent, but again, it needs Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen!

      OK, OK, I'm leaving

  44. -tim
    FAIL

    Its a long way to the bottom if you want to make bad films

    Manos - The Hands of Fate (1966) seems to be down there on the worst of the worst list. It is worse than Plan 9 from Outer space. Manos is rumored to have bits where they were going to put the titles over so nothing is happening.... but they didn't put the titles over it either. Its actors left mid way through opening night. It ran in a just hand full of drive in theatres where I'm guessing most of the people who were their were more interested in their companions than the film and didn't even notice how bad it was.

    1. NomNomNom

      Re: Its a long way to the bottom if you want to make bad films

      Manos has a pretty good twist at the end and an amazingly long car chase sequence with one car at the start.

  45. Jolyon Ralph

    Bad director remakes

    I live in fear of the wrong directors being invited to remake classic movies,

    can you imagine, for example:

    A remake of Psycho directed by Michael Bay

    A remake of Free Willy directed by Quentin Tarantio

    or worst of all

    A remake of Star Wars directed by George Lucas

  46. Kimo

    Zach Snyder Directs...

    Life With Archie No. 16

    http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/08/just-married-archie-comics-first-gay-character-weds-doctor-beau/

    I'm sure he would do a faithful and sensitive handling of the source material.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My entry

    "Jar Jar Christmas Spectacular -- Jar Jar on Ice!"

    It's a musical!

    1. Kimo

      Re: My entry

      After a particularly nasty Ohio winter, I developed a treatment for "Parallel Parking on Ice."

  48. This post has been deleted by its author

  49. Novafix

    Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space

    Alien-egally Blonde 3: In Space

    Kelley Osbourne (voiced by Joe Pasquale) stars as a self-entitled teen judge, who was never accepted by her peers. She embarks on a cosmic voyage in a the space ship ‘Caterwaul’ to conduct a sensational trial in the stars. She is tasked with representing herself against herself (voiced by Jeremy Kyle) after a hilarious mix up with a teleport machine. She is supported by a wise cracking Spider Monkey called ‘Mr.Funk’ who is a CGI rendition of herself tweaked into Monkey form (voiced by Janet Streep Porter).

    Heading a long winded distress call (voiced by William Hague) she lands on Iceland (a planet made from abandoned Iceland supermarkets launched into space). As she works her way through the thousand year old Sausage Rolls, over the course of 25 horrific minutes, she is attacked by a tiny crab like creature with ten faces (all Kelley Osbourne’s) which implants a tiny version of herself into herself (voiced by Salt of Salt n’ Peppa fame).

    While on the planet she meets an Ozzy Osbourne lookalike (played by herself, voiced by Morgan Freeman) with whom she has a romantic fling but can never decide if he likes her or the constant smell of mechanically recovered pork meat.

    The plot is a rollercoaster ride to acquit herself of a crime she can’t remember if she did or not before she hatches from herself in what the ships Android version of herself (voiced by Chris Rock) has predicted will be ‘like a bag of shit exploding from a grotesque Russian Doll’.

    The director is Ezio Greggio

  50. sisk Silver badge

    Patent Wars-The Movie

    Sick and tired of the constant patent litigation the US voters call on Congress to create an alternative to patent litigation. The result is an arena wherein teams of executives face off in battles to the death. The winner wins the patent for their company. Directed by Michael Bay.

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My favorite book turned into my worse movie.

    Starship Troopers.

  52. Paul Smith

    "Keys to the City: The Terry Childs storey"

    The true storey of the brave operator who fought a city and won!

    A Cathryn Bigelow docudrama

    Written by Salmon Rushdie, based on the Rush Limbuagh article

    Starring Mel Gibson, Eddy Murphy and Mia Farrow

  53. Dave 126 Silver badge

    Starring: Ricky Gervais.

    Directed by: " "

    Screenplay by: " "

    Adapted from an original story by: " "

    Synopsis: [Does it really make any difference?]

  54. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Beware of test audiences

    From Bill Hicks, Revelations:

    "They removed the lesbian sex scenes from basic Instinct because it didn't play well with the audience at test screenings... ... ... Well, I wasn't in that test screening... ...If I had been, it would have been nothing BUT lesbian sex scenes .. Michael Douglas: "Hey, wasn't I supposed to be in that movie?" I'm sorry Mike, I've just watched the entire film and I don't recall your seeing your scrawny ass"

    1. graeme leggett

      Re: Beware of test audiences

      Bill - may he never be forgotten.

  55. Jolyon Ralph
    Thumb Up

    The C Programming Language

    Original by Kernighan and Richie

    Screen adaption by J.J Abrams

  56. Daniel B.

    Green Lantern

    No, not the one that actually got made.

    I refer to the one that didn't make it... the one with Jack Black. Which would've been the kind of movie you'd see Jack Black in.

    Also, any of the Seuss books that hasn't been made a movie ... starring Mike Myers.

  57. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My Nominations

    Avatar 2

    Return of Avatar

    The Revenge of the Avatar

    Son of Avatar

    Avatar Reloaded

    The Brides of Avatar

    Avatar the Musical

    Avatar Vs Mechagodzilla

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    Bladerunner Zero : Deckard Vs Deckard

    Los Angelas, the near future...

    Shot in one continuous four hour take, and with over 24 months of post procession to bring you never before seen visuals, this film tells the story of ex-special forces and rookie cop Deckard as he battles with a corrupt superior officer, Roy Blatty, and a loveless disintegrating marriage at home, whilst fighting to clear the name of his father, who was crippled in a unicorn rodeo.

    Rick Deckard : NICHOLAS CAGE Rick Holden: NICHOLAS CAGE Rick Deckard Jnr: JUSTIN BIEBER Dave Deckard : SEAN CONNERY Roy Blatty: JOAQUIN PHOENIX Jo-Anne Deckard : RIHANNA Dr. Voight: JOHN CLEESE

    Voice-over of Rick Deckard: ANTHONY HOPKINS

    Music by U2

    Special Effects by JIM HENSON'S CREATURE WORKSHOP

    Directed by GEORGE LUCAS

  59. PikeyDawg
    Mushroom

    Uwe Boll, directing his first musical comedy - Pearl Harbor 2

    After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Travis Taggart (Steven Seagal) - a former secret agent (they didn't have Navy SEALs pre-WW2) who had retired to Hawaii to surf and practice Zen meditation - realizes he must finally avenge the murder of his Japanese fiance Miku (Paris Hilton with dyed black hair) and his near death at the hands of Miku's father Admiral Yamamoto (played by Jackie Chan), who had been "dishonored" by their interracial relationship.

    He commandeers his friend Abraham Lincoln Johnson's (Chris Tucker with a slight Jamaican accent) hot-rodded fishing boat to give chase to Admiral Yamamoto and the Japanese fleet... but Abraham Lincoln Johnson is not the type of guy to let his friend - or his boat - go into danger alone and joins up with Taggart (Seagal) making an unlikely team... the straight faced Taggart and the "jive-talkin" Abraham Lincoln Johnson. Hilarity - and singing - ensues.

    Through his fierce reputation and years of secret service for the US government, Taggart is informed by no less than the President of the United States (played by George W. Bush) that Admiral Yamamoto's battleship had split off from the fleet heading East. Even with their hot-rodded fishing boat, they don't catch up with Yamamoto until just outside of San Francisco.

    Under cover of darkness, they sneak on board the Japanese ship only to find it almost completely abandoned with just a skeleton crew. In the fight with the crew Abraham Lincoln Johnson is injured - leaving Taggart to go it alone. After making his way to the helm, Taggart confronts Yamamoto - who thought he had killed Taggart years ago - and finally avenges Miku in an epic Kung Fu battle.

    During the battle, the injured Abraham Lincoln Johnson realizes that the ship is loaded with explosives and appears right after the epic demise of Yamamoto, clever tag line from Taggart, and follow-on musical number/dancing... to inform Taggart of the "explosive situation". Taggart radios the President, who has just received intel that Yamamoto - not content with his crushing victory at Pearl Harbor - was going to kamikaze attack the Golden Gate Bridge.

    Taggart quickly discovers that the Yamamoto had locked the ship on course, full steam ahead. In typical sidekick fashion the injured Abraham Lincoln Johnson offers to stay on the boat to prematurely detonate the explosives - but Taggart will not hear of it. He improvises a time delay fuse, carries his friend back to their boat and they escape off into the sunrise as the Japanese ship explodes, just shy of the Golden Gate Bridge - saving the morning rush hour traffic driving by.

    Cut forward to a small ceremony at the White House where the President honors Taggart and his friend. Being so moved by the black sidekick's devotion to the obviously awesome Taggart - and hearing Taggart imply that he probably couldn't have done it without him - the President (played by George W.) immediately repeals all racial segregation / inequality in the United States... and after discussing Taggart's refusal to go back into service with his staff, gives the go-ahead to start working on "that nucular thingie".

    The end. Cue some kick ass 80's rock!

    1. David Webb

      Re: Uwe Boll, directing his first musical comedy - Pearl Harbor 2

      That's actually pretty good, I'd watch it because it has Jackie Chan and Chris Rock in it, win! Though it's over 300 chars, so you may want to make a revision :D

      1. PikeyDawg
        Pint

        Re: Uwe Boll - Pearl Harbor 2 (now 296 according to Word - thanks David!)

        After the attack on Pearl Harbor, Taggart (Steven Seagal) a former secret agent who moved to Hawaii to surf and practice Zen - realizes he must finally avenge the murder of his Japanese fiance Miku (Paris Hilton) and his near death at the hands of Miku's father Admiral Yamamoto (Jackie Chan), who had been "dishonored" by their interracial relationship.

        He commandeers his friend Abraham Lincoln Johnson's (Chris Tucker) boat to chase the Japanese fleet... but Johnson does not let his friend or boat go it alone and joins up with Taggart making an unlikely team... the straight faced Taggart and "jive-talkin" Johnson.

        Taggart is informed by the President of the United States (George W.) that Yamamoto's battleship had split off from the fleet heading east. They don't catch up until just outside of San Francisco.

        They sneak aboard under cover of darkness to find only a skeleton crew. Johnson is injured in the fight. Taggart confronts Yamamoto - who thought he had killed Taggart years ago - and avenges Miku in an epic Kung Fu battle.

        The injured Johnson realizes the ship is loaded with explosives and informs Taggart of the "explosive situation". Taggart radios the President, who tells him Yamamoto planned to kamikaze attack the Golden Gate Bridge!

        The ship is locked on course, full steam ahead. Johnson offers to stay, but Taggart improvises a time delay fuse, carries his friend to their boat and they escape into the sunrise. The Japanese ship explodes, just shy of the Golden Gate Bridge and morning rush hour traffic.

        Cut to a ceremony at the White House where the President honors Taggart and Johnson. After discussing Taggart's refusal to go back into service with his staff, the President gives the go-ahead to start working on "that nucular thingie".

  60. RainForestGuppy

    The everyday story

    of when Jean Luc Picard deadliest enemy assimilate a Melbourne Suburb...

    Come on everybody sing along..

    Neighborgs, everybody needs good neighborgs,....

  61. ratfox Silver badge
    Devil

    Jar Jar Binks and the revenge of the Ewoks

    ...Or something equivalent.

  62. Ian Emery Silver badge

    All Good Films need

    a good book to base them on; so it stands to reason you need a REALLY bad book to stand a chance of winning this comp.

    I nominate "ET and The Green Planet" as the worst piece of drivel I have ever read. I have even kept a copy and re-read every 5 years or so, just so I can confirm how bad it is.

    1. sisk Silver badge

      Re: All Good Films need

      It can't be too bad if you can stand to read it without having an overwhelming desire to burn it.

      Completely unrelated, my wife won't let me touch her Twilight books anymore.

  63. David Webb

    Chuckle Brothers

    This film is set in London during the Olympics, the first 45 minutes of the film focuses of a guy called Chuck (Barry Elliott), we have flash backs of his past where he was a tin miner in Cornwall, how he met his first love (Barry – Paul Elliott) down the tin mine and how he proposed to his love under a star covered night on the beach, how they fought against homophobic prejudice but remained committed to their love for each other. After 45 minutes a meteor comes through the Earth’s atmosphere and kills Chuck.

    The next 15 minutes is a flashback from the comets (Keanu Reeves) perspective as it flies through space, contemplating loneliness, slowly building up its rage against the inevitable fate that will befall it before deciding to become a homicidal comet.

    The next 45 minutes shows us how Barry comes to terms with the death of Chuck and how he came to forgive the comet, they then end up having a weird affair where Chuck confirms his undying love for the comet that killed his first, true love.

    The next 20 minutes is a legal drama where Barry and Comet try to get their love recognised so they can have a civil partnership, the judge (Brian Blessed) shouts lots about random stuff before finally agreeing that Barry and the Comet can have a civil partnership.

    The end of the movie is the twist, the comet is arrested for the murder of Chuck and attempts to escape the country with Barry, they get on a boat (Kieria Knightly) and sail off towards America, on the way they hit an ice berg, it takes 4 hours to sink, we watch all 4 hours.

    Director: George Lucas.

  64. jon 68
    Childcatcher

    You did say that had never been done.

    On a pale Horse - screenplay by michael crichton, as adapted from the Piers Anthony Classic.

    Only a truly epic character actor can fully realize the inner turmoil of Zane, the man who's become the true Incarnation of Death, so for that role we have to stress, no one short of Zak Galifff.. however you spell his name..

    The other Incarnation would be filled out by a cast of truly epic porportions,

    Murphy in a fat suit would play Chronos

    M. Night Shamalamadingdong would portray Ares/WAR, in conjuction with his unique ability to do true justice and bring this to the screen as director. ( Remember.. it's pronounce DEEth.. not Dehth )

    Nature would be portrayed by a scantily clad Whoopie Goldberg

    The three Fates, portrayed by Jewel , Paris Hilton, and Brittany Spears.

    Obviously of the three, Brittany could bring the most 'old hag' realism to the Elder Fate.

    The list goes on and on....

    And in an interesting twist, Executive Producer Nicolas Cage ( and primary funding source ) is completely convinced the only way to accurately represent the deep emotions in the original novel is as a musical, with Skrillex providing the score.

  65. Sokolik

    Why tamper with perfection?

    An attempted "remake" of "Casablanca"...and-- as if it were possible, worse-- in color.

    Like that frame-for-frame "remake" of "Psycho".

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Why tamper with perfection?

      Casablanca in colour? It's been done- and is actually rather damn good!

      Bugs Bunny in Carrot Blanca:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65duqRL0UvA

      1. Sokolik

        Re: Why tamper with perfection?

        Ah, yes...the fad (it did not endure, at least, I *think*) in the 1980's and/or 1990's of "color-izing" b/w classics. The film of which you speak probably was spawned by this phenomenon. I did not know of it, and, so, you have enlightened me. Thank you.

        P.S. -- Regarding the ambiance and other qualities of the color version, I'll take your word for it...with all due respect, your opinion notwithstanding, I *still* do not think I could bear to watch it! Yes, I *am* an elderly, contrarian, pain-in-the-ar*e, curmudgeon!

  66. Kimo

    Ultimate in suspense.

    A group of teenagers arrive at a secluded cabin for a post-graduation night of drinking and debauchery in the woods.

    No one dies. They talk about stupid things, listen to awful music, and alternately cry, hug, and argue about inconsequential stuff. The beer is watery crap and everyone ends up puking and passing out.

    The captain of the football team awakes the next morning...next to a naked, ugly...girl? Guy? (camera fades to black)

    Directed by Richard Curtis.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Pint

      Re: Ultimate in suspense.

      That sounds more like Tarantino's Death Proof, frankly.

      Anyway, my nomination would be the televised version of 'Eye of Argon', arguably the worst book of all time in several dimensions, and as such, a shoe-in for worst film. Directed by David Lynch and produced by Steven Spielberg, original score by the Bee-Gees.

  67. Duffaboy

    Avatar you can see the steam comming of it

    and the 3d was poor too

  68. heyrick Silver badge
    FAIL

    FAIL, Reg, just fail...

    You thought too hard about how to make a terrible movie. As a result, you've just pitched something that sounds more amusing than Epic Movie, and has "cult" written all over it.

    Try again.

  69. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    NO, I have the worst movie idea of all time!!!!!

    "Koyannisqatsi 2", 120 minutes of stock footage of oil spills, mining, garbage dumps, warfare and recent world political leaders with Fran Drescher doing the voiceover and Al Gore singing "What a Wonderful World" over the closing credits....

  70. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Wilde"

    but with Lord Alfred Douglas played by a girl. (Don't laugh, I remember it being joked about on Parkinson as being suggested by an american movie exec).

  71. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Terminator 8

    Paris Hilton as a specially produced terminator model must travel back in time to seduce the fathers of the team who will one day be the founders of the greatest threat to world peace ever. After castrating each of them with her special equipment, those not paying attention are reminded that the only entity seeking world peace in Terminator films is Skynet and she just banged humanity to death. The End.

  72. AdamWill
    Thumb Down

    How dare you

    Sir

    How dare you associate the proud name of 50 Cent with this mooted cinematic atrocity?

    Yours

    Outraged of Tunbridge Wells

  73. Muckminded

    Avatard

    I really don't want to describe what this movie would be about. OK, there's a machine, hooks up to folks with "normal" brains and then...no, I really can't finish this.

    1. Muckminded

      Re: Avatard

      Sorry, just realised that was kind of the plot of the first movie, except we paid to use the machine.

  74. This post has been deleted by its author

  75. MrT

    "Based on the popular game..."

    "Twister" - nothing about the weather, just a tense thriller where a former circus contortionist turned detective learns who is the mysterious person sending apparently coded messages that have everyone moving in all directions at once.

    "Mousetrap" - someone has taken an early bath! A fiendishly complex chain of evens traps a seemingly unimportant worker in a large organisation - a small cog in a big machine... Who did it? Why did they use a boot? How could they have been sure it would work?

    "Mousetrap II" - same plot as before, but with three traps that start with the story being flushed away. And most of the new sets are flimsy and one dimensional...

    "Hungry Hungry Hippos" - scientists breed a new super-intelligent multi-coloured hippo species in a floating lab in Lake Victoria, in an attempt to find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, obesity and bad dental work. The hippos rebel, cut off communications with the mainland and begin to pick off the scientists one by one.

    "Monopoly" - the story of a humble cobbler who makes a fortune through clever licensing deals and becomes the bane of everyone's lives when he tries to make money for the idea of a hole through which a single string-like binding device can be passed. Tries to justify this "Loads Of Dosh System" by claiming rights back through a continuous line of shoe-makers in his family right back to the Lower Palaeolithic Era (a load of old cobblers).

    "Battleships" - an effects-laden action special set in the near future where huge floating warships of the United States of Earth take on alien invaders. When the fleet flagship is sunk all seems lost, but with a growl of "You've sunk my battleship", the fleet commander and his trusted half-dressed female SExecutive Officer fire up a spirit of determination in the remaining crew to just about make the audience forget that they've wasted 2 hours 70 minutes of their lives watching this epic fail struggle.

    Hang on - the last one seems to have been made already...

  76. macaroo
    Angel

    Worst Movie of a Lifetime

    Being older than most, my viewing habits go back futher. I nominate the following as the worsed movies I have watch in my lifetime.

    1. Planet 9...........doesn't rate as bad science fiction.

    2. Attack of the Killer Klowns..........a circus horror show

    3. Earth Girls are Easy............a lot of hard post teen bodies.....plot forgettable

    4. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.......can't even remember the plot.

  77. GitMeMyShootinIrons

    Phantom Menace - The Musical

    Director - still Spielberg

    Creative Director - Elton John

    Anakin - Justin Bieber

    Amidala - Barbara Streisand

    Jar-Jar Binks - Eddie Murphy

  78. Nicholas EGF Berry
    Devil

    My entry

    You don't need more than the title - "Mel Gibson's "The Life of Baal Shem Tov".

  79. Andrew Punch
    FAIL

    One word...

    Barbra

  80. MonkeyBot

    Top Gun 2: Wings of Fury

    'Nuff said.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Devil

      Re: Top Gun 2: Wings of Fury

      Don't you mean 'Wings of Furry'? That could make for some disturbing footage

  81. Jim 59

    Artificial Intelligence

    The only film I ever saw where the cinema audience audibly hated it. About 40 minutes from the end, the film seems on the point of ending. Audience relief is palpable and we are about to leave. When it didn't end, the audience jeered, only to be punished with another 40 minutes of tedium.

    Films that employ the worn out "robot wants to be a real person" theme are tiresome anyway (except for Terminator 2). Basically remakes of Pinocchio. Why would a robot want to be a human? Did the director think of addressing that ?

  82. lardheppus
    Happy

    How about a remake of The Long Good Friday Starring Danny De Vito?

  83. mafoo
    Trollface

    Anything Directed by Uwe Bol

    __________ Directed by Uwe Bol staring _____________ and _____________

  84. mego
    WTF?

    More than half of the films listed..

    Made profit in the $100m PLUS mark. Consider my personal bugbear: Twilight, dear god please make it stop: $392,616,625 - that's compared to a production budget of under $70m, making about 500% profit just from box office take alone (never mind merchandising, DVD sales, etc).

    I agree that to the layperson making profit isn't exactly a marker for how GOOD a film is, but I wouldn't be calling them "worst" anything if people are obviously willing to part with cash for it. Interesting fact: domestically Twilight made just under $200m. A movie ticket in the US for 2008 cost an average $7. That's approximately 29m people that saw the movie, based on average cost. There are ~400m people in the US. Around 1 in 12 people saw it. Yeah I didn't bother. Yeah I'm sick of the K Stew and Rob Pats crap. But that's some scary statistics for something we call worst movie no?

  85. This post has been deleted by its author

  86. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    2012: Ice age.

  87. fzz

    criteria for worst

    Running screaming from the cinema implies the movie inspires me to some action. I'd think a better criteria for worst would be sucking viewers into a miasma of boredom, enervation and psychic despair that it sucks out all motivation leaving viewers unable to move or turn aside.

    In other words it has to get progressively worse as it goes on so viewers keep wondering whether it can get any worse.

    Anyway, how about a remake of 'My Dinner with Andre' but starring Eddie Murphy and Tom Cruise, with either playing either role.

  88. Gordon 8
    Facepalm

    Plots good, what about dialogue?

    Some good ideas for plot, but someone in the movie needs to say

    'I've got a bad feeling about this' (before the studio logo?)

    Opening credits James bond style, with the mini cliff hanger allowing Jar Jar not to get killed... or even Jar jar walking in front of the gun barrel and the bullet missing....

    The Muppets to sing backing vocals to Justin Beeber for the title track?

    Another possible plot

    Jaws, but with Goldfish.... 'Just when you thought is was safe to clean the fish tank'

  89. JDX Gold badge

    Ender's Game

    I reckon this could easily vie for the most over-anticipated film.

  90. Pete 2

    Steven Livingston Seagull

    An over-long concept piece about nothing in particular.

    Featuring a seabird that can't act and a soundtrack by Adele, which quickly sends the bird into a state of total depression. He It is rescued by by a transcendental pigeon that teaches Steven the simple pleasures of pooping on statues. He learns that forgiveness is the key to growing as a bird, but flies off on a search to dive-bomb Adele, instead.

  91. quarky
    Coat

    Lewis Page in...

    A race against time for Lewis to convince people that journalists know more then climatologists about the climate. Shot in 80's style, which cheesy music, freeze-frame effects, and plenty of rubbish special effects, and of course Lewis completely and utterly misinterpreting even the most basic whitepapers.

    The ending is a race against time after Lewis is buried under an avalanche of his own making (from print outs from conspiracy sites), and he is rescued just in time to be mocked in public again as he gets his next article into El Reg.

  92. thenim

    okay, okay okay.. how about this...

    The story (has to be plausible to attract the names & therefore the the suckers to view it):

    He's the boy next door, they are the adopted sisters next door. And the staple of bollywood movies, it's a love triangle. One sister is in love with the boy, but the boy is in love with the other sister. It's a rom-com with a twist...

    Characters:

    The boy next door - Eddie Murphy in a fat suit (a role he will be well familiar with)

    The first sister - Adam Sandler in a fat suit (the sister who is in love with the boy)

    The second sister - Martin Lawrence in a fat suit (the sister the boy is in love with)

    Directed by:

    Uwe Boll

    Twist at the end:

    Woopie Goldberg is the mother who gave the second sister and the boy up for adoption - i.e. they are brother and sister, turns up inexplicably looking for them. And they all find out - film ends on the horror of it...

    It's gotta be worth a Razzie...

  93. Bush_rat
    Trollface

    Human Centipede: Infinity Sydrome

    Set in modern day, a mad scientist, inspired by other Human Centipedes, has hatched a plan to sew together 10 men and women ass to mouth, creating a circle.

    This loop will feed itself and accelerate fecal matter so fast as to create an infinite supply of energy.

  94. David Lawrence

    Another one....

    While on the subject of bad films, Paycheck with Ben Afflict and Uma Thermidor sticks in my memory for all the wrong reasons. On IMDB fans have given it 6.5 out of 10 which is stunningly generous. Nothing too much wrong with the storyline itself but jeez the wooden acting (Uma in particular) and other crimes, such as poor dubbing (a tinny two-stroke single engine sound when our hero is riding a 1000cc twin-cyliner 4-stroke BMW??????) linger in my memory long after the good bits were forgotten.

    I also thought Broken Arrow was a stinker for similar reasons.

  95. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Worst Movie of a Lifetime (Attack of the Killer Tomatoes)

    1. Planet 9...........doesn't rate as bad science fiction. -- don't think i have had the pleasuer

    2. Attack of the Killer Klowns..........a circus horror show -- i thought it was killer klowns from outer space? not possible to be 2 different movies?

    3. Earth Girls are Easy............a lot of hard post teen bodies.....plot forgettable -- yep, 20 somethings.

    4. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.......can't even remember the plot.

    Based on the number of posting related to musical numbers, some members might think this is the most brilliant movie they have every seen.

    I just loved the politically incorrect humor.

  96. Big_Boomer Bronze badge
    Gimp

    iHuman

    The titles at both ends feature the superb track "Oh Superman" by Laurie Anderson.

    Music in the movie to be provided by Leonard Cohen, Morrisey, and ColdPlay.

    Storyline is that of a Human who is persuaded by the evil corporation Pear to spend all his money on their shiny-shinies to such an extent that he ends up being owned by Pear and forced to work in a megafactory run by that exploiter of the masses, Wolfcon.

    In the final scene he commits suicide by slitting his wrists with a broken piece of Pear glass and his body drops onto the rubbish mountain outside the factory.

    FanEmos will love it, but everyone else will stay away in droves.

  97. haloburn

    Titanic – On Ice

    Turns out Leonardo de’craprio’s character didn’t die at the end of Titanic, instead he was frozen in ice for 100 years and defrosted by Nazi’s who have been hiding in a secret arctic base since the end of the second world war.

    He is forced to make a series of ever more alarmist propaganda films about catastrophic man made global warming the Nazi’s are secretly delivering to the Nazi controlled world governments.

    The Nazi base is like willy wonka’s chocolate factory and years of inbreeding have turned the Nazi’s into short fat bald people led by Adolf Hitler the 3rd played by Jack Black, there are lots of comical song and dance routines done on ice by ice skating Nazis.

    De’craprio escapes and tries to make his way to the west by stowing away on a cruise liner that is on a voyage to commemorate 100 year sinking of the Titanic, only the boat hits an iceberg and sinks.

    Directed by James Cameron.

  98. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Rose, Died, and was Living

    In a world where vampires have devoured all living creatures, a vampire family has abandoned their home on Earth to search the galaxy for food. While in space the matriarch of the family, Rose, gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. Their happiness is short lived, however, when they discover the new child is allergic to blood. The family must find a way to keep their new child alive, find sustenance for themselves, and spread the word of vampire Jesus -- all while being attacked by space vampire-vampires that drink vampire blood and can fly through space without a space-ship or anything. Oh and also the hot teenage daughter is in love with the scrawny boy from the rival family that went to space to find space Jesus. Rated PG due to lack of violence and nudity. Starring Kirk Cameron in all roles. Directed by Kirk Cameron.

  99. proto-robbie
    Devil

    There's surely some mileage...

    ...in a cross-conceptual synthesis of The King's Speech, Conan the Barbarian and The Shining, with Sylvester Stallone as Colon, who needs to acquire language skills before marrying Princess Whoopi and assuming the throne. Anne Robinson (Red Sonja) provides slight temptation for the hero and Gordon Ramsay reprises his day job as the speech therapist who turns oh so bad.

    I'd like to bring Nicholas Cage in somewhere, but thousands wouldn't.

  100. Nick The Geek
    Linux

    Slightly past the deadline (story of my life)

    Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle: obviously intended to kill the franchise

    Howard The Duck. Need I say more other that it made Orville look like Charlton Heston

  101. Andus McCoatover
    Windows

    Worst NEVER made?

    That'll be me starring in a porno movie. Unfortunately, the 'script' is much too short for any use...

    Oh, well. Another can of tramp-juice.

  102. SusanY
    Mushroom

    Neon Genesis Evangelion: Live Action Fanservice edition

    Director: Alex Cox

    Shinji Ikari (Cate Blanchett in drag) is a whiny loser who is bullied at school. Luckily for Shinji, all his bullying problems come to an end when robots from outer space invade Earth and his former classmates are incinerated in an atomic blast. Even better for Shinji, the Christian lady who rescues him the ruins (Linda Fiorentino) is really foxy, and has an interest in boys his age. It turns out that Shinji's father Gendo (Michael Myers) has a really cool underground hideout with robots and guns and stuff. While there he meets Asuku Langley Soraya (Miranda Richardson), who is really into blowing stuff up, even though she's a girl. But even though he kind of likes Asuka, he really wants Rei Ayanami (Tina Fey) because she's a clone of his mom, and having it off with her would be like doing it with his mom. Sadly, Shinji's luck comes to a end when the Japanese Interior Ministry (not know for their efficiency or competence) finally figure out that Gendo is an Evil Genius, and send in Harry Dean Stanton. More stuff gets blown up, and people get killed.

  103. RustyK9 V0.1
    Terminator

    Sir's

    With respect, what have you guys been smoking...

    Disney's John Carter interpretation of science fantasy novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs “Princess of Mars”, has to be at the bottom of the barrel....

    It's painful to watch...

    'B Grade - Extra minus'

    ps – sorry for late submission

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