back to article STUNNING NEW APPLE DEVICES that will follow the iPad 3 HD!

Sources in the Asian component supply chain and others close to Cupertino have revealed to the Register that Apple intends to follow up its global fondle-slab dominance by introducing new and groundbreaking products intended to eliminate the flaws inherent in the slablet form factor. "It all makes sense when you think about it …

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  1. HP Cynic
    Trollface

    Quite amusing but still clearly a joke article :P

    1. Arctic fox
      Trollface

      Well actually............

      "If you go that route, people are only going to buy one or maybe two devices. They'll wind up carrying a piece of hardware about and using it for more than one thing in more than one situation."

      ...........many a true word spoken in jest.

      1. George Nacht

        Re: Well actually............

        Precisely. That´s why telling the truth to monarchs was always a job (and privilege) of jesters.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      eliminate flaws?

      What flaws?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      no touch

      Yes. He's describing a keyboard.

      1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

        Re: no touch

        Not a keyboard.

        A magical human interface device with a glorious set of miraculous keys, each with a wonderful letter or function, all wrapped up in an incredibly stylish box.

        1. Chet Mannly

          Re: no touch

          "Not a keyboard.

          A magical human interface device with a glorious set of miraculous keys, each with a wonderful letter or function, all wrapped up in an incredibly stylish box."

          Patent pending :-)

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: no touch

          it can respond to sub millimeter presses because they have patented atoms and molecules.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: no touch

        Don't call it a keyboard.

        1. Steve Evans

          Re: no touch

          Indeed. The mystical device is not a keyboard.

          It is a board of keys.

          Sorry, board of ikeys.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: no touch

            "Sorry, board of ikeys."

            They're going to have a problem with ikey a, especially in Sweden.

            1. Darryl

              Re: no touch

              No problem there. Just name your new magical interface iKey, then sic your hoardes of lawyers on them Swedes and sue them into submission for having the nerve to name a business, product, or service with an 'i' at the front.

            2. Levente Szileszky
              Go

              Re: no touch

              Then they will sue IKEA all over the world, demanding they pull all their curvy white products because they are infringing on Apple's design patents, problem solved.

    4. Jedit
      Megaphone

      "still clearly a joke article"

      I think we worked that out when it got to the bit about Apple fixing the flaws of tablets. The only flaw Apple perceive with tablets is that other companies are allowed to make them.

      1. aThingOrTwo

        Re: "still clearly a joke article"

        > The only flaw Apple perceive with tablets is that other companies are allowed to make them

        People were making tablets years (over a decade) before iPad.

        Apple watched, waited and then rewrote the segment with iPad and now dominate the market.

        This despite the fact nearly everyone here said the iPad was just a big iPod and going to be a massive flop.

        Apple don't mind people making other tablets, they do mind people making iPad knock offs.

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

  3. RAMChYLD
    Terminator

    So...

    It's basically a curved bluetooth touchpad then?

    * looks at date *

    You should've saved this for next month.

    1. LaeMing Silver badge
      Happy

      It's basically a curved bluetooth touchpad then?

      Not *quite* what they were describing. Think different. No not *that* different!

  4. mevets
    Coat

    is there anything they can't do?

    I wonder if they will devise a way that you can intermix letters, punctuation and digits without having to shift attention away from the task at hand.

    I've always hoped for a device that could let you transcribe ideas quickly and without distraction.

    Go apple!

    1. Uncle Siggy
      Trollface

      Re: is there anything they can't do?

      I feel you. I've been using a Bluetooth keyboard since day one. I suspect my typicing speed would tick up if Apple would release some human interface that let's me type faster.

  5. Spotswood
    Happy

    Sounds to me

    like he was talking about a MOUSE......

  6. Johnny Canuck

    A mouse! Apple wouldn't be so pedestrian - its an iPoint!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      And it will completely fail in 12 months and be impossible to dismantle to clean out.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Tapeador
        Pint

        Re: And it will completely fail in 12 months and be impossible to dismantle to clean out.

        And in the UK, assuming it costs £50, the above failure will render the retailer unavoidably liable for repair, replacement, or refund, via the implicit key contract condition formed by the Sale of Goods Act's 'reasonable durability' requirement, for up to as long a time as the price makes it reasonable the item should have lasted - which can be up to six years, but in the above example would probably be three.

        Remember, the manufacturer warranty is a gratuitous third party promise and does not exclude the major obligations created by the retailer to you, when purchase is made, which are formed by SOGA, and which cannot be excluded, thanks to the Unfair Terms in Consumer Contracts Regulations (which I gather codify existing doctrine in any case).

        If it costs over £100, buy it on a credit card - because S75 of the Consumer Credit Act requires your credit card provider to assume the above obligations of the retailer if they cannot or will not fulfil them.

        Raising my glass to the English Legal System.

      3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Joke

        Even if you fondle it's ball?

  7. Daedalus Silver badge
    Happy

    Yer a bit previous, lads

    Should have saved it for 1/4/12 (gasps from herculean effort of remembering to write date in UK order).

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Yer a bit previous, lads

      It's not so much 'UK', as 'most of the world outside the US'. Remind us what happened on the 9th of November?

      1. Richard 120

        Re: Yer a bit previous, lads

        The date format is also entirely logical, or at least more logical than the US format.

        Reading from left to right the magnitude of the figures increases, day, month, year.

        What's the logic behind the random sequence in the US format?

        A more useful format I find is usually the reverse : year, month, day.

        1. Andrew James

          Re: Yer a bit previous, lads

          The US method is quite logical really, if you think about it.

          Today is the 7th of March 2012. 7/3/2012. In the UK.

          In the US its March 7th 2012. So 3/7/2012.

          As long as you are aware of the source of the document you're reading, its perfectly fine.

        2. Andy Miller

          Re: Yer a bit previous, lads

          Which is why ISO 8601 exists. Open standards people - please use them.

        3. Peter Johnstone
          Thumb Up

          Re: Yer a bit previous, lads

          I'm with Richard 120 on the year first date format, and so are 5 billion Chinese!

        4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Holmes

          Re: Yer a bit previous, lads

          On the 12th of December this year, it won't matter which way you write it.

  8. Robert E A Harvey

    Other possibilities

    the iPurse - contains money that can only be spent on iThings.

    the iNurse - robotic child minder shaped like Steve Jobs, with a calming voice that says "nanny knows best" whenever signs of of intelligence break through.

    the iCurse - a portable device for practitioners of witchcraft.

    the iTerse - speech synthesiser that reduces whole sentences to bad-tempered single words.

    the iWorse - USA's next president.

    1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Re: Other possibilities

      Don't forget the iBad - America's current president. After all, you can only go from iBad to iWorse.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Other possibilities

      the iClinic - where you go to deal with the consequences of staring too long at iPads.

  9. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Joke

    OMG, the future is NOW*!

    It can only be an iOuija board pad! Looks like Steve will be calling the shots for a while to come.

    *Not Occurring Wednesday

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sex toys.

    It's the only real obvious new range of products Apple should be venturing into, after all their current products are already smooth white curved objects desired by both sexes...

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Sex toys.

      Can I register/copyright "iCome"?

    2. Arnold Lieberman
      Joke

      Re: Sex toys.

      Or is that because every c*** wants one?

  11. Andy Christ
    Thumb Up

    Would be great if this device could attach via USB

    and offer an additional two USB ports at either end.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Devil

    Touch screens

    "You're getting smeary finger tracks all over the display"

    Every Apple toy I've seen close up looks more like a Petri dish.

    Where's the MRSA icon when you need it?

  13. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    enlarged iPads up on raised stands

    Hey, you could attach a keyboard and some sort of pointing device to the front of it, so you wouldn't get fingerprints all over the screen. And maybe a hinge so it could fold away and further protect the screen.

    I don't know what you'd call it, though... an iLaptop, perhaps?

    1. RichyS

      Re: enlarged iPads up on raised stands

      Nothing gets passed you does it, Sherlock.

      1. FartingHippo
        Holmes

        Re: enlarged iPads up on raised stands

        *ahem* there's an app icon for that

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Satire

    It's not as easy as it looks. I'd leave it to Verity Stobb if I were you.

    (Unless Verity wrote this in which case it must have been an off day)

    1. Ian Halstead

      Re: Satire

      Indeed. Never have the possibilities been so cruelly dispatched by the actuality, since Michael McIntyre.

  15. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    "...where the hand is most comfortable"

    thinking of it... adding fanboi...

    ...surely, the new device will be iWank!

  16. David Gale

    Slate with a raised dock...?

    A slate with a raised dock? Whatever will they think of next? http://jkontherun.blogs.com/jkontherun/HP%20docking%20station%20003.jpg circa 2003... mine's still going strong and is a valuable component of my workflow because it runs the same apps as my workstation...

  17. Alex-L
    Stop

    "Then it hit us," says our source. "The text-entry touchscreen could use a different kind of technology to the other one - and the main display panel didn't really need to be a touchscreen at all."

    IT COULD BE A PHYSICAL KEYBOARD!

    Oh wait...

  18. Flubb
    Thumb Up

    Finally some sense!

    But don't you know that portable devices with touch interfaces are the way of the future? :P

    Thank you for the sanest response to this silliness in quite a while. Sure I love having these things in my pocket (not an iPad of course, nor a canoe, while we're at it) but they're essentially specialized devices or just useful toys. A 40" LCD and wireless keyboard have significant virtues, unless of course I'm just a Luddite. ;)

  19. Matto in AUS
    Coat

    I think I need one of them.

    My piece-of-crap Windows laptop is obviously showing the wrong date. That's how bad MS are - can't even get that right. I'll dodgy it up in the meantime by setting my clock forward to April 1.

  20. AndrewV
    Facepalm

    Did you accidentally hit the publish button too soon?

    1. Lunatik

      Needs to be today 'cos of the imminent World Changing Announcement due from Planet Cupertino.

  21. Dave N
    Facepalm

    Bit early for the April Fools articles, isn't it?

  22. Ian Adams

    patent?

    ".. it resolves touches at the natural resolution of the average human fingertip and delivers haptic feedback in the third dimension localised at the point of touch"

    Does that come from an Apple patent? Waiting for them to sue everyone who ever used a keyboard

  23. PeterC

    Tablet nonsense

    I think I'll stick to my desktop/keyboard/mouse and laptop for now .... at some point there might be some real tech worth buying that actually brings some new benefit, rather than consumer electronic technology produced to generate revenue and profit for shareholders of companies who desperately needed new "gadgets" to sell in a falling PC sales arena.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    or maybe laying on the chaise longue

    Laying *what* on the chaise longue?

    Ah, of course, the concept of transitive/intransitive verbs is almost lost to us now, thanks to the global dominance of the subset of English that emanates from the USA.

    1. ratfox Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: or maybe laying on the chaise longue

      Yeah, who's getting laid on the chaise longue?

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

        Re: or maybe laying on the chaise longue

        Eggs?

    2. Citizen Kaned

      Re: or maybe laying on the chaise longue

      or whom? :)

  25. Select * From Handle
    Thumb Up

    lol this maybe a joke article but you mean a laptop right? what happens when people start getting sore fingers from hitting the bottom touch screen all day? maybe a keyboard? that sounds like a great idea!

    Quote

    "The engineers went back to work, and swiftly came up with a new concept in which part of the touchscreen would be positioned near-vertically in front of the user and another, used primarily for text entry"

    /quote

  26. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    "The Jobsian legacy calls for a new product thrust into every niche in your life."

    Sounds painful

  27. FartingHippo
    Unhappy

    My faith in humanity has been destroyed

    The number of people not getting the joke here is utterly depressing.

    1. Richard 120
      Pint

      Re: My faith in humanity has been destroyed

      I think part of the problem is that it's not even a Friday, let alone April 1st.

      I did get slightly confused and disorientated in the 4th dimension when I read this, I did find it funny though.

      And because I'm still slightly disoriented, have a drink, it's some day in the week, the future is happening as you read this, the weekend approaches.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: My faith in humanity has been destroyed

      True, but it might have helped if the 'joke' contained actual humor.

  28. Mike Brown

    if this is what you have for the 7th of march

    i look forward to april 1st with baited breath!

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: if this is what you have for the 7th of march

      Isn't that when they release the iFool?

      Sorry, couldn't resist

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      How do you "bait" breath?

      A nice juicy maggot, or perhaps some stinky cheese?

  29. TheOtherHobbes

    Looks like

    iJournalist is already in beta.

  30. Alan Bourke

    Oh dear lord

    " Apparently, secret experiments in Cupertino's labs have looked into putting enlarged iPads up on raised stands for a better user experience, but these were a failure.

    "Three things came out of those trials," says our source.

    "First: you've now got to reach up to get at the touchscreen, which gives you another set of aches and pains. Second: You're getting smeary finger tracks all over the display."

    In other words, in situations that demand it, USE A FUCKING LAPTOP OR DESKTOP.

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Oh dear Alan

      some wouldn't recognise irony if you nailed it to their foreheads

  31. Lallabalalla
    Joke

    Funny! Remember this?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noe3kR8KqJc

  32. FatGerman
    Joke

    I told my doctor I was addicted to stealing iPads.

    He told me to stop taking the tablets.

  33. brain_flakes
    Joke

    Not a keyboard

    The future is now as Apple presents the new, magical, Macbook Wheel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BnLbv6QYcA

  34. YP
    Happy

    Even the Taiwanse are at it

    I particularly liked the iUterus to indoctrinate the unborn :-)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=XdAkcGk1sOk

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    i love the intuitive one button keyboard

    such a raft of devices could only be complete if they are able to craft a digital auditory hair comb to binary tickle (tickle on / tickle off) the hair in our inner ear canals and deliver true digital sound to our brains. this would all but eliminate anlogue hiss from the world at large and render a complete and immediate audio experience never before experienced by mankind.

    copyright, patent pending, trademarks for all except where already trademarked, iDigitalEar, iDigiEar, iDigiWear, iHearYou, iHearU, uHearI, uHearMe, uHeardMe, iListen,

    Over and out.

  36. CraigW
    Joke

    25 days too soon

    For April 1st.

    Not that far off the mark though.

  37. teebol
    Go

    the patent

    Apple just patented a new kind of keyboard engineering and design. So this article is only half joke. The Reg is snark but it has bark.

  38. Marvin O'Gravel Balloon Face

    Never mind Apple..

    I'm still waiting for my BigTrak trailer to be released..

  39. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Ah, nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

    This article reminds of one from about 1985ish in 80MIcro magazine describing the wonders and features of a new "word processor". They were describing paper, pencil with a rubber on the end, scissors and glue.

    Icon redefintion. Don't teach granny how to suck eggs.

    (Personally, I always thought you blew them. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Blow. Suck. One or the other.)

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