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Reg Hardware Sex Week Wireless vibrators activated by your mobile phone or MP3 player – who would have thought it? Growing up during a time when women still had pubic hair and leading a fantasy romance with Tony Hadley took up most of my time, if I was lucky Valentine's day involved a card and a flower picked out of someone …


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  1. Martyn 1
    IT Angle

    And what is it makes most of these Digital?

    Looks like someone at El Reg has got shares in Lovehoney to me.

    1. tirk

      Re: And what is it makes most of these Digital?

      Looks to me that these are replacements for either the old digital method, or what my mum used to call "it".

      1. Clare (web specialist)


        My partner likes this site, but I prefer the personal touch, and find that they don't do anything for me.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Lovehoney

          "... they don't do anything for me"

          You must be using them wrong Clare. Want me to demonstrate?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Re: Lovehoney

            *facepalm* The fact you made that comment indicates that you would have no idea either, and would probably not get past a panty flash before finishing for the night.

            Just sayin'

    2. Piro
      Thumb Up

      Re: And what is it makes most of these Digital?

      You could side with a worse site than Lovehoney.

      1. Clare (web specialist)

        @AC above

        ‘ me to demonstrate?’ NO. I do enjoy my partner using the toys, but she usually climaxes when I use them on her.

        ‘panty flash before finishing for the night’ Take you male stereotypes and go away ! Just sayin’

  2. LarsG


    look like quality products!

    Will there be an iPhone app for them?

    Couple that with the iVibe and you're away!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      And you're away...

      ...although Apple will want 30% of whatever you're having.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Nothing for the guys..then????

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sad

      Apart from one.

      But I was going to comment(tard), why all the female stimulation tools on a site with a largely (I would assume) male reader base?

    2. oddie

      Re: Sad

      You do realise this is an on-line lesbian magazine right? ;)

      However, if you are curious as to the current state of mens sextoys; lovehoney has an entire section of mens toys, and also quite a few toys that work just as well on men as they do on women :)

      Im sure the register's female readership appreciate the article, nothing wrong with Lucy sticking to her SME field, but I too wish someon eat the reg would do a mens version of this...

    3. Alan W. Rateliff, II
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Sad

      Plenty here for guys... to buy for women-friends who want a little more action in their play-time.

      Paris, a little more of whatever.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      Me and the missus have a wand, rest assured it works for guys too.

      Also pretty much anything "designed for a woman" can be used by a guy, it just depends where you want to put it.

      1. Local Group

        Re: 'a wand'

        Do you mean the rolling pin the missus is brandishing when you get back from the pub? :-)

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

    5. Lamont Cranston

      Nothing for the guys?

      What's your hand for, then?

  4. oopsie

    Magic Wand

    Surprised that the magic wand scored so low - i guess the Love Honey version must be louder than the Hitachi original?

    Then again, it'd be much duller without the attachments, which weren't mentioned.

  5. Jon Lamb

    Big Train

    This review reminds me of the Big Train no wanking in the office sketches. What a job!

  6. Joey

    By Lucy Orr • Get more from this author

    How :P ?

    1. Heff

      Re: Magic Wand

      I like it when people review sex toys but dont actually use the sex toys. "we took this to the pub and all had a good laugh!" unless you're reviewing a stand-up comedian that does pub tours, you're doing it wrong.

      Good job; honestly it must be nice to be paid to not do your job, getting a paid gig as a reviewmonkey isnt easy, but to get paid for reviews when you dont actually use the product? That's almost like... marketing. Maybe I should write a review for enterprise servers by taking them out of their shipping crates and go "colour is nice, and doesnt clash with other blades in the rack, but seriously, no bubble wrap to pop or free candy in the box makes me give this a solid 60%"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Re: Magic Wand

        Its also seems pretty popular in Japan, from what I've......been told by someone :D

      2. Graham Bartlett


        "review sex toys but dont actually use the sex toys"

        You obviously missed many of the comments - it sounds like Lucy did. All in the interests of research, naturally...

  7. Tigra 07 Silver badge

    Have to say...

    Weirdest sex toys i've ever seen...and too early in the morning to be hearing about clitorii

    Can we get one of these articles for the best couples toys?

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge

      Re: Have to say...

      Clits not mentioned once /pedant

    2. LaeMing Silver badge

      I disagree!

      It is never too early in the morning to be thinking about clitorii.

  8. Paul Crawford Silver badge

    Music lists?

    Given the audio-triggered nature of some of these toys, when can we get a list of the best music to 'enjoy' the evening to?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Music lists?

      something like this?

  9. adnim Silver badge
    Thumb Up


    the demonstration video Lucy? This just wouldn't work with a Playmobil reconstruction.

    Getting paid to masturbate? I think I need a career change.

  10. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    Still no "tasp"

    1. Franklin
      IT Angle

      Re: Still no "tasp"

      Working on it!

      For the past few months, I've been experimenting with using Arduino and Teensy USB micorcontrollers to run vibrators. I have a working prototype of an Arduino hacked into a toy EEG (a Mattel MindFlex) that runs when the user concentrates on it, which isn't quite a tasp but is a step in that direction, kind of.

      I also have a prototype that's designed NOT to get you off; it runs for a random period of time between about 15 and about 45 seconds, at a random intensity and with a random pattern, then stops for a random period of time from 9 to 30 seconds, then runs again... The idea is that you can never get accustomed to it, and you can never predict when it will start or what it will do, but you *also* can't get enough stimulation to get the job done.

  11. my spout

    entertaining read but...

    in many of the cases, I got no idea how large or small they were. I wish a person had held each of these in her hand.

  12. Snar


    Purely in the name of science, how did the author arrive at the scores?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Playmobil?

      just came to her

  13. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    So where ..

    .. is the Lego presentation of all this?

    It's about time someone re-defined hard-ware..

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    +1 for the Lelo Mia

    Great build quality and you can always pass it off as a flash drive. Surprisingly good fun!

    1. sam bo
      Thumb Up

      Re: +1 for the Lelo Mia

      +2 best buy ever. Great build quality, usb recharge, and inbuilt ,win, win!

  15. Bill Cumming
    IT Angle

    Movie quote time...

    From "Top Secret!"

    Nick Rivers: "You don't scare me. My manager is on his way to the American Consulate."

    German: "Do not be so sure Mr Rivers. Evidently, your friend did not realise that here in East Germany we use 220 volt current. He was found in his hotel room impaled on a large electrical device. Our surgeons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to get the smile off his face."

    1. oldredlion

      Re: Movie quote time...

      From the files of Police Squad

  16. Peter H. Coffin

    Matte! "Matte black", goddammit!

  17. Mr Young
    Thumb Up

    No.1 toy has seven speeds?

    Not that I'm into dildos myself but I do feel just a little jealous - my car transport thingy only has 5 gears and it does need more POWER as well?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle


    Apart from the obvious question which has been asked above already I wonder... If we click those "Buy from Amazon" links, does that give El Reg a nice commision? ;-)

    This looks more like an ad. than anything else. Since we're on an odd level anyway I have to ask: why didn't you guys lend this to some female co-workers and had them write a review? :-)

  19. dansus

    Its a tough job, but someone has to do it. :D

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All of these are crap or overpriced. (Or underrated I guess when it comes to the hitachi magic wand clone if it is as good as the original).

    These sort of reviews need to be done by either hookers or porn stars.

    Not enough detail either (If I was to buy something for a woman I would want to know it could at least handle 30 mins solid getting more intense orgasms.)

    Maybe the metal one is fairly interesting.

    (Don't think Lovehoney is any better quality than the chinese junk you get from dealextreme either and it is allot more expensive).

    Bad idea to buy this type of stuff online as well.

    (Most of the women I know think the sex toys for gay men are better also - more powerful).

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      don't know about sex toys for gay men, but...

      "Bad idea to buy this type of stuff online as well."

      Don't agree I bought the Lelo Mia online direct from their site, great service, and a really high quality device, well thought out and engineered - as you would expect from the Swedes. battery life is great and the usb charging , convenient. Well worth the price for the pleasure it has given !

    2. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      RE: AC

      ...They are =]

      Tend to be bigger too

  21. Short Bob

    I say, I say, I say ...

    Q. What's the most sensitive part of the human body when masturbating?

    A. Your ears.


    I'll be here all week. Don't for get to tip your waitress. Take your glasses back to the bar please.

  22. Gene Cash Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Run out of real stories/things to review?

    You know, I realized when Creative Computing did a review of Bukka-Bukka Bath Toys that they were not far from going out of business, and sure enough, they only lasted another 4 issues.

    I hope this doesn't mean El Reg is circling the drain in similar fashion, as I liked them.

  23. Robert E A Harvey

    Nothing for men?

    I'll get back to the chrome porn catalogue:

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Share the love with your distant friends.

    Is that the one with the command codes you put into a text message?

    She can have hours of fun with the mobile controlled one guessing who was in the driving seat for each sequence. Ideally, for the real-time experience, you want her to be several time zones away and then you never need be bored in a large project meeting or a corporate presentation again.

    p.s. this works.

  25. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    Ye gods and little fishes!

    "Some instructional videos were needed, think Human Centipede."

    Was that the best comparison available? Now I'm more confused than ever and a bit disturbed having made the mistake of watching the trailer

    1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: Ye gods and little fishes!

      Add to that the diagram on the product's website is as far from Human Centipede as it's possible to get.

  26. DF118

    So basically...

    ...these are all vibrators. Great. What if one's significant other hates vibrators?

    1. miknik

      Re: So basically...

      Fuck em.

  27. jungle_jim

    i got the mrs a magic wand

    from lovehoney.

    and it has many speeds. its on an anaolgue switch, click on and then go from inaudible to power tool/sounds like she is being murdered screaming the place down.

    she absolutely loves it.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There IS an app for that - iTingle

    (with a fabulous UI)

    1. Local Group

      Re: There IS an app for that - iTingle

      It takes two to tingle.

      The iTingle that I used was a little white pill that cost $10. My date and I took them at 11.00pm and we tingled till 4. I don't think digital devices were discussed.

  29. Maty

    Well, all those toys gave us a fair amount of amusement.

    I downloaded just the pictures, and we spent about an hour trying to figure out what each one was and how it worked. If you have no idea of the scale, some of these devices are not immediately intuitive.

    And there we were thinking it was all about insert part A in slot B. Oh dear.

    PS 'Like an industrial sander, and not in a bad way?' How? ... where? ... what ...?

    We obviously need a dinosaur icon for types like me ...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      re: sanders

      Have you never had a friend round for a bit of fun with the "wet and dry"? Can be a bit noisy but you can get a lovely finish.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Magic Wand

    The Bosch Hammer Drill of personal pleasure products.

    Probably not two ideas that should be combined.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just in case you didn't hear it the first time...


    This article should have a large P in the bottom right hand corner.

  32. Snar

    Purely in the name of science, how did the author arrive at the scores?

    1. Local Group

      Scoring isn't as easy as it used to be.

      Ergo, digital adult toys.

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