back to article iPad Fleshlight lets fanbois express their love

A conceptual design for a new iPad case would let Apple fanbois get very personal indeed with their favorite fondleslab. The Fleshlight iPad holder comes to us from the fertile, febrile mind of prolific designer, author, recipe-creator, and opinionater Tv Slicèdbread Miller. The device – currently only in conceptual-design …

COMMENTS

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  1. atomic jam
    Paris Hilton

    That is so cool!

    Made my day!

    Paris Hilton, now everyone can enjoy her company.

    1. ian 22

      Yes, there *IS*an app for 'that'.

      What is the product of this unholy union? An iPhone?

  2. philbo
    Happy

    Talk about the hard sell..

    Are they going to do one for the more, er, size-challenged male as an iPhone attachment?

    1. Local Group
      Trollface

      Not necessary

      The Fleshlight comes with an optional size-enchanting feature, with five unique profiles from short and fat to long and skinny.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        How enhancing

        A size enchanting feature.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I'm guessing great demand

      as I bet very few ipad owners actually have the real version...

      1. DJV Silver badge
        Alert

        "I bet very few ipad owners actually have the real version"

        Trouble is, going by the pic, the iPad version seems to be a limbless midget! Well, that might appeal to some...

  3. hexx
    Thumb Up

    the sub header is priceless - made my day

  4. pullenuk

    noooo

    I don't want to know the reason why you got that ipad on your lap!!

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    so yeah, girls can go f**k themselves... oh wait

    1. LaeMing Silver badge
      Happy

      Rubber dongs with suction caps on the base have been available since before I was old enough to know about such things (and I ain't no sping chicken). So us girls have had the ability to make a device like this* since before tablets existed.

      Nice to see the guys finally catching up! :-P

      *no, I haven't. But I reserve the right!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    well

    You have already been f@@led by Apple, now its your turn!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Turns?

      It our turn to fool apple?

      I dont get it.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Turns?

        Maybe someone was so busy celebrating how much better they were than iPad owners that they could only type with one hand....

  7. JDX Gold badge
    Paris Hilton

    I'm just a programmer, what's that pink thing meant to be?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It's an enhanced I/O port...

      That's all you need to know.

      1. Mr Grumblefish

        I want to know

        the correct baud rate. I heard it was important to set it correctly.

        1. Simon Round
          Joke

          We should also be told how many I/O operations we should expect to get out of this interface.

      2. ElNumbre
        Happy

        @AC

        Enhanced? I hope its not full-duplex.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "when heated and lubricated, apparently feels somewhat like a vagina – or so we're told"

    Not somewhat - almost unbelievably, it really does feel exactly like a vagina. I assure you from personal experience.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I can second that. Alot of guys in the Military have them because the last thing the smarter Soldiers and Marines want is a "Desert Wife".

      Nothing against Females in the Military, there are some very attractive and sweet girls in the service, but like in normal life, there are also some really fugly and slutty ones who know they wont get anything back in the States, but magically in the field they go from being a 3 or 4 in the real world to a 9 or 10 depending on how long you've been marooned there because men start getting desperate.

      But regardless being sexually repressed when your life is constantly in danger in some way or another doesn't help your mental health one bit. I have the very severe PTSD to prove it, I was going through a divorce while deployed and my shrink, that I get to pay for out of pocket because I ETSed after the deployment, says that basically shutting off sexually probably contributed to the severity of the disorder.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      No, I'm pretty sure no vagina I've had the privilege of had a nasty hard plastic exterior*.

      * Note, I've never had the pleasure of Jordan or Katie Price

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. Isendel Steel

          oops

          shouldn't that have been A/C ?

  9. FrankAlphaXII Silver badge
    WTF?

    Im sure it's every Apple Fanboi's wet dream come true. Im honestly surprised noone came up with a way to fuck an Apple product sooner.

  10. Albert Hall

    Just make sure you don't hold it wrong...

    That is all.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I take it the Android version...

    will come with an anal probe? Would be very fitting with the hemorrdroids theme.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shouldn't that iPad have a pic of Steve?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Picture of Steve

      >> Shouldn't that iPad have a pic of Steve?

      That was my first thought - either that or an Apple logo/home screen/blank screen.

      Just a thought - it would make for an interesting carrying option.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        No, no...

        ...clearly what one should see on the screen is a Sad Mac, followed by the error code for "Illegal Input", then "Buffer Overflow" ;)

        PS - May god have mercy on those who get the poor beast gets so hot and bothered the battery has a meltdown...when entering the hospital, one does not wish to hear the doctor asking "Is that an iPad in his pants, or is the patient just happy to see us?" Yes, yes, it's all fun and games 'til someone gets, ahem, "dismembered"...

        PPS - I don't suppose Apple sues Fleshlight at some point, claiming to have prior art on sperm-collecting devices? I can't believe this is the first time anyone has ever tried to f**k an Apple product, given the level of passion they seem to inspire :)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @Picture of Steve

        You made me reel there for a moment, as I understood Steve B. Mind you, that fits in perfectly with "with Windows geeks bringing up the rear".

        Eeeeewwwwwww.

        Now I need a HUGE bottle of mind bleach...

  13. Keep Refrigerated
    Gimp

    So will it be integrated with Siri?

    Fleshlight Fondler: "Mmm... uuh..." *presses down on home button*

    Siri "Dialing 'Mum'"...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Fondler: "Oh God! Oh God!"

      Siri: "Dialing 'Pastor'"...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Fondler: "Uh... I'm spent..."

        Siri: "Get a life you sad f**k. Oh and clean this mess of me now, loser boy"...

  14. miknik
    FAIL

    Finger on the pulse

    This is old news, even the date in the article you link is 05 06 2011, which adjusted to english is 8 months ago. You should almost be running a story about how one of these has given birth to mini iPads by now...

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      How do you think the iPhone 4S came about?

  15. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Coat

    So will there be an updated Wobble iBoobs app for the iPad?

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/02/19/app_squashed/

  16. Local Group
    Trollface

    "I Left My Heart In San Francisco" 2.0

    "I Left My Ribbed Polymer Pocket in Cuppertino"

  17. Putonghua73

    Pp

    I'm waiting for the Riko Tachibana or Tia Ling personal moulds.

    Let's get serious. Whatever happened to holo-technology developments? When I have the "Help me Obi Wan. You're my only hope" holo device - but with Riko as opposed to Princess Leia - in my living room then we can talk.

    1. Oninoshiko
      Joke

      No

      I'm fairly sure once that happens we'll never hear from you again...

  18. stupormundi
    Happy

    ROFLOL

    This is excellent news. Wonder if Apple's gonna sue or maybe just let it slip? muhahaha

  19. sCode
    Gimp

    "rather than a slab of electronics enhanced with a ribbed polymer pocket"

    Why would one want to make love to an actual human anyway??

  20. Andreas W.

    I just accidentally...

    I just accidentally a whole ipad!

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So Apple fanbois really are a bunch of w***ers?

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      In this context I feel that "a bunch of misguided f***ers" is more appropriate.

  22. CTM
    WTF?

    After reading this article I don’t think I’ll ever be able to buy an iPad now for fear of association or even pick up someone else’s for fear that it's been molested.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I don't think I'll...

      ...want to buy a "previously loved" iPad after this...

  23. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    "... with Windows geeks bringing up the rear."

    I see what you did there.

    1. Linbox
      Thumb Up

      my thoughts *exactly*

      <click>

  24. Dick Pountain

    Oh right, a kind of external hard drive.

  25. atomic jam
    Go

    Is that the new...

    ...hands free adapter.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Out of town?

    Get your wife the female version (there must be one) and place a video call!

    Not sure about the ipad but the (ahem) touchpad has a vibrate function.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This gives a whole new meaning to "fondleslab"

    This gives a whole new meaning to "fondleslab"

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Let me count the ways ... that this could go bad

    1a. A wanker's iPad is hacked and they become "famous on the Internet", complete with streaming video and audio.

    1b. Potential employer searches the Internet for pictures of a job applicant, and matches on the video. Wanker's esume goes into the dustbin.

    1c. Police trawling the Internet adds the wanker to their un-official list of "usual suspects".

    1d. Insurance companies trawling the Internet get a match, conclude "wanking == unhappy marriage and increased likelihood of insured participating in high-risk activities." Insurance denied, dropped, or premiums raised.

    1e. There was an error/inconsistency/whatever in Apple's database, so non-wanker suffers consequences 1b through 1d.

    2a. Apple writes an app which analyzes the contents of users' "diagnostic" data streams, looks at accelerometer data, and automatically voids the wankers' warranties due to "excessive shock and vibration"; then . . .

    2b. Apple's "confidential" database is breached, and the perps post the data on the Internet.

    2c. Wankers and non-wankers, exposed and data-matched by name rather than face, suffer consequences 1b-1d, above.

    Just sayin'... "Polly Plastic" is much safer.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      hahahahahaha

      *note, sequence has been shortened

    2. Local Group
      Unhappy

      @ Let me count the ways

      the ribbed polymer pocket denies your member egress and the paramedics are called in with 'jaws of life'.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    hey babe

    make me a sammich while I check my email

  30. Ascylto
    Big Brother

    23456

    "Windows geeks bringing up the rear"

    So, Windows geeks are gay, huh?

    I, too, saw what you did there.

    Anyway, the Romans did it and look what happened to them!

    1. Jedit
      Headmaster

      Well, actually...

      ... if the Romans found a legionnaire having carnal knowledge of another man, he would be stoned and beaten to death by his own comrades. And people complained about DADT...

  31. Ben Rosenthal

    Well there is the lack of a kick stand sorted.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    With Virtual Reality?

    Can you take a picture of your member and have it take part in the video you're watching? If the attachment had some sort of sensor inside it, the video could fast-forward to the end just as you, get into the station, so to speak. It'd save splashing out on an expensive replacement gadget.

    The mind boggles :-)

  33. This post has been deleted by its author

  34. bill 36
    Windows

    with windows geeks bringing up the rear

    ha ha ha

    you owe me a new keyboard

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Onanism App

    Do you get to see a transparent version of yourself overlaid (!) from the last time you used it?

    I'm trying to beat my best!

    Probably some game manufacturer out there now devising a set of levels for "trigger happy" lads to work through.

    First level is obvious and only the most committed push through to a "Knightley".

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Warranty

    Didn't you run a story or two about folk having repairs under warranty refused for their iDevices because of moisture indicators being tripped?

  37. Crisp Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Development API

    Is there an API for this device? Or is it just an inert lump of plastic that just clips on underneath?

  38. S Larti
    Coat

    Desert Wife?

    If this does prove popular with troops deployed far from home, their girls back home willl need a new version of a classic song:

    "Don't fap under the Apple pad with anyone else but me."

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    facetime

    or skype... accidentally accept the call?

    Seriously though, this device is necessary in the evolution of sexbots... I am sure a few on here are old enough to remember Cherry 2000 ?

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092746/

  40. Eddie Edwards
    Angel

    "Presumably porn makers would leap at the chance to come up with shooting styles that enhance the illusion that the user is making love to an actual human"

    Google "POV" ...

  41. atomic jam
    Pint

    New Battery Charger

    It's a great way to recharge the batteries without needing a wall socket, and it would help the environment too. The government should hand these out for free.

    Beer cause it's Friday!

  42. Danny 5
    Alert

    exclamationmark

    Finally there's a legitimate use for the Ipad!

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fucking sick!

    Dirty perverted b stards!

  44. b166er

    (s)troll on Obviously!

    Shouldn't the labia resemble the Apple logo, with the apple stalk playing the part of clitoris?

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Accelerometer and 69

    Why is it that when I looked at the number of comments, it was sitting at 69

    And will the iPad make use of the accelormeter and adjust the video accordingly for a truely interactive experience.?

  46. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Now...

    If they made one for the Xoom with a cock we'd be in business!

    Preferably in the UP position =]

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And how does this fit with

    the prohibition of porn apps?

    1. TvMiller

      Photographs, Video, Web Streaming

      You are failing to understand that apps really are not even necessary.

      A video can be played full screen in portrait.

      A photograph full screen.

      Perhaps a browser that opens a Fleshlight POV porn site that will play an interactive Flash/HTML5 video with your unit (pun intended)

      Skype, Facetime.

      An app is merely for going to extremes that we haven't touched yet but not even yet required.

      You're welcome!

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ig Nobel prize for biology

    In 3...2..1..

    Actually I can see this selling to troops deployed abroad, as well as other um, deprived individuals.

    AC/DC

  49. Wize

    Suppose it would make a handy iPad stand...

    ...when checking your online Playboy subscription.

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