back to article Lincs bloke fined in deceased hedgehog outrage

A Lincolnshire man who decided to take a dump on a dead hedgehog on a roadside verge in broad daylight has been fined £100 for the cable-laying outrage. Victor Ford, 34, was caught with his pants down at 1.20pm on 3 July, when a passing copper spotted him on Balmoral Avenue, Spalding, "squatting over the grass verge with his …

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  1. Thomas 4
    Gimp

    I can't help but feel

    ...that one careful push would have been more of a lesson, depending on the position of the hedgehog.

  2. g dot assasin
    Stop

    Victim Surcharge...

    ...seriously??!

  3. I'm Brian and so's my wife
    WTF?

    Que?

    But hedgehogs are cool - why would anyone do something as weird as this?

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Facepalm

      Cool

      Well, this one was more than cool, it was stone cold dead.

      //where's my tombstone icon gone?

    2. Gordon 10 Silver badge

      Either

      For whom ever witnessed it or St Tiggywinkles one would hope.

  4. Willington

    Amazing quote?

    The anticipation is killing me!

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      Me Too...

      Can somebody please get a copy of the Lincolnshire Free Press and let us all know what the quotes were?

      1. Willington

        http://www.spaldingtoday.co.uk/news/the_reason_given_to_police_for_defecating_on_dead_hedgehog_in_street_1_3045067

        1. frank ly Silver badge
          WTF?

          It gets more surreal...

          From the link kindly provided by Willington:

          Rather than activate Ford’s suspended sentence, Mr Stobart [the judge] decided to “make it more onerous” by barring him from going to Scotland for three days.

          (There is no indication as to why this could be considered as punishment.)

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            it's meant to be surreal.

            Reason being that the chap already has a suspended sentence. If the judge sentenced him with a serious punishment, then the suspended sentence would take priority, and he'd end up back in jail. Something for what ever reason the judge didn't want to happen. So by sentencing him to something trivial, the automatic re-activation of the suspended sentence can be avoided. Something like community service would have resulted with him back in the clink.

  5. hi_robb
    IT Angle

    I just hope he didn't try using said spikey dead mammal to wipe his backside afterwards!

  6. Heironymous Coward
    FAIL

    Huh??

    I'm all for non-IT stories - Paris, size 72 airbags, drunk moose in trees, Mr Bean prangs McLaren, etc.. This story was probably meant to fit in with the above mentioned and others in the same vein.

    But this just isn't news. It isn't interesting, it isn't funny, it isn't memorable, and although it does involve 'naughty bits', the use of them is mundane and standard, and the visualization (in the absence of a decent picture) downright unpleasant.

    Speakin of picture, itwas, IMHO, seriously subpar even for this below par story. No frogmen, playmobile people, cheeks, or silicon(e) anywhere. Can we please pick up the pace a bit, it can't be THAT slow a news day....

    Oh, and I probably need to add a gratuitous FUCK YOU IDIOTS or similar for FOTW purposes (yes, I agree, a seriously sub-par attempt but the story deserves it...).

    1. Brezin Bardout

      I have to agree

      Nothing worse than being forced to read something I'm not interested in. If this carries on, I might have to somehow only read the items that might interest me. Now, if only there was some way to know what an item is about before I start reading it. Maybe some sort of headline or something.

      1. peyton?
        Devil

        Did you not read his post, man?!?!

        He obviously clicked on the story because he was hoping to read about a distracting, socialite hedgehog with huge airbags causing a mime to wreck his car.

        Begging the question: Where's the moose angle?!?

        (Probably stepped on the hedgehog actually - why the hell else would a moose leap up a tree?)

    2. Gordon 10 Silver badge

      On the contrary

      He should have been forced to use it.

    3. Danny 14 Silver badge
      Alert

      I dunno

      Apparantly the judge had an iphone contract and the victim an android. Does this make android owners deviants?

    4. 1Rafayal
      Paris Hilton

      right...

      so you couldn't guess what the article was going to be about from its headline then?

      I think anything involving a cadaver as well as an outrage surely implies a lack of IT news? Or am I wrong?

      Paris, as even she would think twice (and that is a lot more thinking than she is used to)

    5. Jedit

      "In the absence of a decent picture"

      It worries me that you think this story would have been a lot more pleasant had it contained a high quality picture of a man crapping on a deceased spiky rodent.

      1. Black Betty

        ER pic of his arse masquerading as a pincushion.

        That my friend would have been very lol worthy. Particularly with a nice solid grogan enspiked.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just...what?!

    A dead hedgehog?

    What?!?

    Mind you - "cable-laying"??? Now that was funny.

  8. jai

    this is why they should bring back hanging

    I mean, seriously, what kind of smeghead is going to look at a dead headhog and think, 'i'll take a dump on that'. And do we really need that kind of scumbag to continue to be a member of society? Surely, for the greater good, this guy should be euthanised at the earliest possible opportunity.

  9. MJI Silver badge

    How do you claim victims surcharge?

    Want the money back for some stolen wheels I had to replace, if I ever get done for anything (would be speeding as not a criminal) I would deduct the £15 as a victim of crime.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Hanging ? Seriously ?

      If you've ever been to Lincolnshire you note:

      1. Population density is already low.

      2. No shortage of smegheads

      Won't somebody think of the vegetables ? !

      (the edible non-human kind btw)

    2. Steven Roper
      Mushroom

      I would a thousand times rather

      live in a society of not-quite-right-in-the-head "scumbags" like Victor Ford, than live in constant peril of my life sharing a society with self-righteous bigots who think anyone whose sense of humour or outlook on life differs too much from their own should be hanged.

    3. Black Betty

      my guess is everyone convicted gets touched for it.

      It goes into a pool and victims of crime may apply for compensation for small losses.

  10. Chris Miller

    Gotta love DoubleClick

    "Toshiba R8 series - perfectly formed for business" - link at bottom of page.

  11. Mako

    I don't see what all the fuss is about. The man was clearly just preparing his entry for the Turner Prize.

  12. David Lawrence
    Joke

    Maybe he was cursed....

    ...with the age-old "May your next sh1t be a hedgehog" curse. Just wondering.

    That is all.

  13. ratfox Silver badge
    Angel

    Ha! It is well-known that...

    The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

    1. Elmer Phud Silver badge
      Happy

      You are Nanny Ogg and I claim my five pounds!

  14. Alpha Tony

    '15 quid victim surcharge'

    ...was that the cost of getting the dead hedgehog dry cleaned?

  15. Nigel Brown
    Thumb Up

    Cable laying?

    Henceforth I shall refer to 'taking a number two' as 'laying a Vince.'

    1. Rocket
      IT Angle

      Optional

      Henceforth I shall refer to number twos as 'covering a hedgehog'!

  16. nyelvmark
    Thumb Up

    He's plainly an animal lover.

    He saw the dead hedgehog, and was moved to give it a proper burial.

  17. JaitcH
    WTF?

    British 'justice' ...

    sucks. There was no victim.

    Also he was answering Nature's Call in the midst of Nature.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      No victim? Human excrement in the street? On purpose?

      The hedgehog just makes it weird.

      What's the matter - no Apple stories to troll?

  18. Bernard M. Orwell Silver badge
    Coat

    Hedgehogs....

    ...why can't they share?

  19. TeeCee Gold badge
    Joke

    Apparently...

    ....when challenged, he looked down and exclaimed: "Bloody hell, I don't remember eating that!"

    1. sheep++;
      Thumb Up

      @TeeCee....

      Your little joke made me chuckle. You should change your nickname to "TeeHee".

  20. Bill B

    I want Lester's job

    Not only does he get to write about dumped hedgehogs, but he gets to do it from Spain (I assume that's why the google maps link was spanish related)

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: I want Lester's job

      Correcto.

  21. Whirlpool
    IT Angle

    I actually thought the story was going to be about somebody damaging hedgehog habitats while laying copper or fibre for broadband - parts of Lincolnshire being notoriously difficult to get connections in.

    This is much more amusing though!

  22. Pete 43
    Joke

    What was Vince doing there?

  23. Gareth
    WTF?

    Victim surcharge?

    Does that pay for a decent burial, or does it go to hedgehog-related charities?

  24. A J Stiles
    Meh

    Hmm

    Joking apart, public toilet provision in this country really is dire. And can anybody here put their hand on their heart and say they have *never* *ever* had one knocking on the back door and no porcelain within sight?

    (Come to think of it, if you are unlucky enough to get nicked for relieving yourself in public, could you take the local council down with you for aiding and abetting?)

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Prudishness?

    Or was there any other reason why he got collared?

    People are quite happy for their dogs to take a dump in the middle of the pavement when they could just as well shit at home, so why couldn't a fellow human do just that, in a moment of necessity? As long as you pick it up afterwards I don't see the problem.

    As for the hedgehog, he probably hadn't seen it or identified it as such.

  26. Mike Moyle Silver badge
    Coat

    Multiple useless pop-culture references

    And wouldn't he have been surprised if it was only MOSTLY dead...?

    Has anyone checked if there's the Dinsdale Piranha connection...?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tricky one

    Isn't it amazing how difficult it is to think of puns involving hedgehogs and turds?

  28. handle

    Eartha Kitt?

    Don't you mean Richard the Third?

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