back to article US Marines not allowed to fart in Afghanistan

US Marines fighting in Afghanistan have been banned from farting in order to avoid upsetting the local population, it has been reported. The Marine Corps Times has the scoop: Audible farting has been banned for some Marines downrange [slang roughly meaning 'in the warzone'] because it offends the Afghans ... So, for all …

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  1. Vehlin
    Joke

    Ouch

    " Perhaps the fact of the author being an 11-year navy man and holder of the Royal Marines' commando qualification"

    Ouch after 11 years of no pants that's gotta chafe.

  2. bigjer
    Pint

    meehh

    .gov wont let them use their best weapon. shameless

  3. Fab De Marco
    Joke

    It has all been agreed

    The Geneva convention strictly forbids chemical warfare.

  4. Sly
    Coat

    Monty Python banned

    "I fart in your general direction..."

    /coat ... The one with the Beano in the pocket.

  5. Christoph Silver badge
    Joke

    Latest headline:

    Marine explodes from trying to hold in a fart

  6. This post has been deleted by a moderator

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      actually only one hand, the left.

      On another note, did anyone else read the 'Post anonymously' option as 'fart anonymously'? and instantly check it.

    2. Brian Morrison
      Boffin

      That's because...

      ....they don't have easy access to anything to clean themselves with, so the left hand is used instead.

      I don't know the details of how they manage to prepare food, I can't imagine it's done one-handed, but it's the reason for the convention that you don't eat with your left hand.

      Studies have shown that faecal bacteria on the skin die at a considerable rate, so after a short time the risk of infection is low.

      1. Yet Another Commentard

        Sinster/dexter

        "but it's the reason for the convention that you don't eat with your left hand."

        Some bloke down the pub (which puts him at the same veracity level as a Twitter post on the BBC "news") told me that part of the rationale behind certain countries' penchant for amputating the left hand was because of this. Without a left hand you must use your right for (ahem) abluting, and nobody would share a meal with you.

        As you were, Sergeant Major.

    3. Annihilator
      Coat

      @Aaron Em

      "They wipe their asses with their hands"

      Strictly speaking, most people do, just with something in the way.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    "This is my rifle, this is my bum...."

    "...one is for killing, the other is for fun."

    ???

  8. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    Just step outside

    US forces announced they have not invaded Pakistan, it's simply that an entire armoured division had to step outside of Afghanistan to blow-off

  9. Johnny Canuck
    Coat

    This is not a title

    So, if they failed to follow this directive would it result in a dishonorable discharge?

    Alright, alright I'm leaving.

    1. Shane 4
      Thumb Up

      A real LOL

      Sheer brilliance! :)

      You should be proud of that one(No not referring to a fart), But the joke. lol

  10. MikeSM
    Facepalm

    ..didn't know that blankets could talk.

    "because it offends the Afghans"

    You would think a military publication would know to use the proper demonym.

    1. Bumpy Cat
      Headmaster

      That is the correct demonym

      Afghans = people of Afghanistan. Were you thinking of Afghanis? That's the currency.

      1. DayDragon
        WTF?

        pardon me, i've just passed wind

        I thought Afghans were a species of dog?

        Shirley the people of Afghanistan would be Afghanistani's, in the same way a person from Pakistan is a Pakistani ??

        1. Bumpy Cat
          Headmaster

          Nope

          It's Afghans. The same word is used for the people and some things that come from the country, including blankets and a breed of dog.

          Afghanis are currency.

          (Trust me on this, I've been there)

          The suffix -stan is a Persian word for place or land (IIRC). So Tajiks come from Tajikistan, Uzbeks come from Uzbekistan, etc etc. Pakistan is actually a modern construction, based on the first letters of the provinces of Pakistan, and is a backronym meaning "land of the pure". You can't use the first part to refer to the people because (1) racist twats have turned it into a term of abuse, and (2) it doesn't accurately refer to an ethnic group, just the nationality.

          1. DayDragon
            Facepalm

            So what about

            So what about this... I'm from England and i'm English, could they be Afghanish in that respect?

  11. Lars Silver badge
    Pint

    List of countries,

    Please, where they are allowed to fart "proudly" publicly.

    With more than 11 years of experience I know it can be very difficult some times, even abroad.

    In a list of crazy patent applications there was one which collected that surplus energy and helped to

    warm the house. Nice drawings. Fairly difficult solution for one who keeps turning around and around

    during the night.

    PS. I sometimes wonder if there is anything the Afghans are not advised to do.

  12. Blubster
    Coat

    trouser-coughs 'could upset the locals

    And cause them to issue a jarhead jihad or maybe a fartwa?

    I know.. the door's over there..

  13. Saganhill
    Happy

    Joke?

    So we're over there risking lives and their worried about offending the locals with a fart? In the immortal words of the Nasty Frenchman, "I FART in your general direction". <French accent>

  14. lardheppus
    Trollface

    Jarheads

    I thought they got the name from the practice of putting their heads in Mason Jars. Those that didn't fit were obviously overqualified.

  15. Joe User
    Mushroom

    New item for field kit?

    One bag of corks, stand-issue.

  16. theBatman
    Coat

    .stigid ro/dna srettel niatnoc tsum dna ,deriuqer si eltit ehT

    What a load of guff!

  17. b 3
    Mushroom

    omg

    i would be in sooo much trouble if i was in afghanistan..

  18. MeRp

    Jarhead is ok...

    I think devil dog is more entertaining, though. And, of course the perhaps too obvious "bullet sponge" is always a great way to identify them, after all, the purpose of US Marines is to eliminate the enemy's ammunition stores, generally by absorbing as much of it as possible, so the Army can roll in and not have to worry about armed opposition.

  19. Beelzeebub
    Mushroom

    Biological wrongness

    The average uman bean farts 13 time a day. It is considered medically unsafe to hold them in.

    Usual moniker (flame) + fart = explosion.

    1. Shane 4

      You Sure?

      You sure it's 13 times a day and not an hour, Damn I better go see a doc!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        You Sure?

        You sure it's 13 times an hour, not 13 times a minute?

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You may have been down to Lympstone

    But you aren't the real McCoy.

  21. skeptical i
    Pint

    The locals have nothing better to complain about?

    Nice to know things are going so swimmingly over there.

    <-- They probably don't like beer, either.

    1. SoaG
      Pint

      Of course not...

      ...beer leads to farting after all.

      Hmm, flammable symbol, but not biohazard.

  22. Patrick 8

    Bring on them beans! F! Yeah! Woo!

    Beans Beans the magical fruit

    The more we eat the more we toot

    The more we toot the better we feel

    So we eat our beans at ever'y meal!

  23. Svantevid

    @ Saganhill

    "So we're over there risking lives "

    ---

    Yeah, mostly by shooting local inhabitants who can't get their heads around the idea of another foreign army on their soil.

  24. James Woods

    title

    You have three main missions in afghanistan marines.

    Don't offend the locals trying to kill you

    Guard the poppys

    Guard the lithium

    Any questions? That's why your there.

  25. json

    They wont be offended if..

    .. they fart to the tune of the afghan national anthem.

  26. William Higinbotham
    Headmaster

    What are we feeding our Marines anyway?

    What is in these MREs anyway to give our men affluent gas anyway? It is the fault of the company making these meals. The military's health experts will have to redo the MREs recipes to minimize gas.

    FFFFFfffffffff!!!!!!

  27. Fr. Ted Crilly
    Mushroom

    lawks a lor!!

    Negligent discharge anyone?

  28. Shane 4
    Thumb Up

    Well done

    Usually cant be bothered commenting,Rather just read everyone elses but some of you have really excelled this time.

    Just had to log in and post a comment on the quality of the jokes/replies, AWESOME!

    Made my day,Given a thumbs up to some of the comments.

  29. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Blimey!

    A Lewis article? Check! Nothing pushing Septic kit over home-built Brit stuff? Check! NO, I must be wrong, let me read it for a fouth time.

    Honestly, I was expecting something along the lines of USMC guff being both more efficeintly produced and more effective than standard Brit farts, and that the MoD should be buying Yank baked beans for the compo rations, etc, etc......

  30. Winkypop Silver badge
    FAIL

    Shoot 'em, but don't fart at 'em.

    WHATEVER you do!

    Political correctness gone mad (Daily Mail, etc...)

  31. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    WTF!

    A culture that has few problems with pedophilia, hard drug use and treats it's women like third class donkeys. They THEY have a problem with foreigners farting?

    The armed forces currently have one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. I wouldn't begrudge them the occasional swear or chatting about young laydees. But farting? Its insane.

    So face shooting fine, farting bad. Got it. What wil the offence seekers find next? Offensive numbers of ears perhaps?

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In other news ...

    Behaving impolitely sometimes causes offence.

    Well, whoda thunkit?

    Being unaware of this simple fact is the root cause of most of the world's problems. In one form or another.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Always use a strip of velcro in your uniform...

    just in case... should they ask "what was that" you just pull a strip of velcro and place it back.

    We all know the pressure is variable and the valve has a less than perfect seal and/or variable timing settings as well...

  34. SirTainleyBarking
    WTF?

    Health and safety

    Well if the locals were trying to blow me up or shoot me, I suspect I'd be doing a lot more than just blowing air biscuits

  35. Christoph Silver badge
    Joke

    New Motto

    The Few, the Loud, the Baked Beans

  36. FozzyBear Silver badge
    Unhappy

    SO

    Recreating the camp fire scene from blazing saddles could get you hung there... Good to know

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Mushroom

    Listen up Jarheads

    I have a solution. Discharge your bio gas into a box and mail it to the fool that made this regulation. Let's see if he's so happy with hundreds of boxes landing on his Pentagon desk.

    Ooh rah..outstanding Semper Fi !

    Carry on....

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