back to article Kiwi gals swig shots of horse semen

The hard cases among you who subscribe to the "I'll drink anything, me" school are directed to the Green Man Pub in Wellington, which is serving up shots of apple-infused horse semen. The tempting equine oyster concoction - dubbed Hoihoi tatea - forms part of the NZ boozer's entry into the 14th annual Monteith's Beer & Wild …

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  1. Ralph B
    Windows

    Neigh!

    Neigh! Neigh! And thrice neigh!

  2. Lamont Cranston
    Pint

    NZ lasses are keen to swallow spunk?

    Time to renew my passport.

    Beer for whichever moderator has to sift through 3 million variations on this theme.

  3. Kevin 43
    Coat

    So..

    a horse walks into a bar...

    1. Anomalous Cowturd
      Joke

      Ladies, put away those passports and purses...

      Mine is available FREE from the source, and tastes like chocolate! (Honest)

      1. jake Silver badge

        @Anomalous Cowturd et ali ...

        That poor stallion needs to get cut, as he's obviously not worthy of breeding. If he was, he'd be making a lot more money ...

        By way of explanation, our main stallion, an 18 year old with a good track record, sells for US$3500 per mail-order cryo-packed AI application. We offer up to ten repeat applications for proven brood mares, or until they produce, whichever comes first. It's 4500 for room & board if your mare needs to visit us for "live cover" (he doesn't travel anymore), which is required for some equine disciplines. Our youngster (his grandson, 8 years old) is USD$1750 & 2500 ... as will be our two-year-old (great great grandson) if/when we deem him ready.

        15 bucks a shot is silly, at best ... the cost of harvesting the stuff, plus keeping it fresh long enough to get it "to market" would be close to ten times that price. Gut feeling is that they are selling tapioca to idiots who don't know any better ;-)

        1. Killraven

          Wal-Mart Brand

          There's not much need to pay stupidly high prices if it's being collected from any old rundown stallion. High prices are for high genetic quality spunk. For a person that already has the equipment and access to an out-to-pasture ranch horse, $15 a shot is a pretty good payroll.

          1. Urh
            WTF?

            I'm no equine expert, but...

            ...surely a single spurt of horse spunk could fill more than a few shot glasses? Perhaps our neigh-sayer could enlighten us on the topic of stallion ejaculate volumes.

            1. jake Silver badge

              @Urh

              Our guys typically do between 50 and 100mL per session, with a maximum in late spring/early summer & a minimum in late fall/early winter. That's (roughly) one or two 1.5 US oz (~44mL) shots per session. Thanks for asking; sorry if it ruins your horse porn fantasies :-)

          2. jake Silver badge

            @Killraven

            Cool. If you're willing to sign a contract, I'll pay you twice that ... $30 per collection ... if you like. The mandatory vet charges twice that, and the two helpers[1] adds another $60 to the total[2], and that's just for the collection. Should be good for a giggle, and maybe I'll finally have something worth posting to YouTube[3].

            [1] Safety first ... Keeps insurance rates low.

            [2] I pay my field hands well ... I want to keep 'em!

            [3] That's sarcasm ... There is no way I'd put my horses in the hands of a rookie.

    2. Kevin 43
      Coat

      but

      only if you are hung like a horse...?

    3. Version 1.0 Silver badge
      Happy

      Taste Test?

      I wonder if it makes the Kiwi lasses taste funny?

    4. LaeMing Bronze badge
      Go

      Re: So...

      Bartender says: "Deliveries 'round the back, mate."

  4. TeamEvil
    Stop

    It's Friday

    Yes it's friday, but WTF?

  5. Michael Habel Silver badge
    Gimp

    Seems that we have some NEIGH SAYERS in the Audence

    Well time to go and self medicate myself on Magical Ponies, having magical adventures again!

    Fanboi for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Thats a lot of dosh for a small amount of product....

    I suspect they are cutting it with other agents. :^{

    Reminds me of the time in the early 90s that the RSPCA closed down a Wellington bar serving Goldfish with a Tequila chaser

    1. LaeMing Bronze badge
      Coat

      The fish in question were wowsers.

      Didn't like getting drunk.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    "stallion magic water"

    Expect a Pulitzer nomination in the mail for that one Lester.

  8. Tom7
    Coat

    The NZ dollar...

    Currently trading two and a half to the Patagonian Nguano Bean.

    Mine's the one with the bridle in the pocket.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Kiwi gals swig shots of horse semen

    "300 NZ bucks for 20 vials of the essential fluid"

    Damn, and I can't even give mine away.

  10. Disco-Legend-Zeke
    Pint

    There Are Lots Of...

    ...feel-good hormones in semen. The purpose is to enhance pair bonding. This reinforces/explains the street knowledge that a girl will be yours forever if you are her first.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant

    "[semen contains] two female sex hormones, and many mood-elevating compounds: endorphins, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin, thyrotrpin-releasing hormone, and serotonin."

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I remember once

    .. a guy telling me, while I was working in Wellington, NZ, that the girls there were the easiest!

    All I can confirm is Sydney girls are the hardest.

    1. GreyWolf
      Paris Hilton

      Lifetime wellness for ladies

      Human semen contains hormones that in the human female promote retention of calcium in the bones. So gals, don't be a bent and pain-wracked old lady, suck your man off every day! Act now for an active old age!

      Paris, you look after yourself sweetie, make sure you get yours every day.

    2. Mycho Silver badge
      Joke

      Last time I checked

      I saw a report that said most of the feel-good chemicals they had identified in semen were also present in evening primrose oil.

      Sorry, did I just ruin your sex life?

      1. LaeMing Bronze badge

        But when was the last time evening primrose oil...

        ...bought a gal dinner or jewlery in the hope of some?

    3. Bumpy Cat
      Devil

      Sydney girls ...

      Maybe the problem was you ... ?

    4. Ian Yates
      Pint

      Here's the solution

      Put it in a vial and sell it as horse semen.

  12. Simon Blakely
    Pint

    Bit of a kiwi tradition, eh

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIv60xFSda0

    Pint, because...

  13. Jemma Silver badge

    Reminds me...

    Of my ex-girlfriend. The less said about that the better... talk about mind searing experience.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase...

    Do you kiss your children with that mouth?

  15. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
    Paris Hilton

    20 vials

    If you don’t like the bottled variety I've got plenty of draught....

    So if I offered to buy a shot for some girl, would she thing I was coming on to her???

    I'll bet you didn't see that remark coming...

    Paris, for obvious reasons

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Do you spit or swallow, darlin' ?"

    "I quaff it as a recreational beverage."

    "Our conversation wasn't supposed to do that."

    1. Captain TickTock
      Joke

      Plenty of Draught..

      ..Draught horse, surely?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Facepalm

        Draught horse?

        No, you have to blow it yourself.

  17. Dr Who
    Happy

    Blah

    I wish they all could be Californian

  18. polandro
    Childcatcher

    More Stocks Arriving Daily!

    Co-owner Steve Drummond said massive worldwide interest in the virile vials has meant he is now ordering stock in litres.

    "We've got it coming in bulk now," Drummond said.

    "We've got a hundred shot glasses coming today, but that's all going to go tonight. I'll be ordering in another three litres in early next week too, by the look of it."

    Drummond was not concerned about stocks running out from the stallions supplying the liquid.

    "I guess they would get fatigued like anyone would, but I believe they have a reasonably large reservoir of the stuff."

    1. breakfast
      Coat

      Brave equines

      You've got to admire the stallions working at this bulk provision. They must really have balls.

      1. LaeMing Bronze badge
        Boffin

        It is usually collected...

        ...with the horse-equivalent of a real-doll.

        My mum's first job was at an AI (and I don't mean in the IT sense) facility. She was only doing secretarial work, but still copped a lot of inuendo from city-raised friends (her family, beind 3rd gen. farmers didn't see what the fuss was.about).

    2. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD

      Lies...

      Sign at the downtown Pr0n shop:

      Free 24 hour viewing booths. Just don't mess up our floor, that's what that bottle in front of you is for.

  19. Christoph Silver badge
    Joke

    That's a great improvement

    Better than a lot of pubs round here - they serve something more like horse piss.

  20. M Gale
    Coat

    Blegh

    Though spare a thought for the guys who have to collect it.

    That said, could hire a few furries. I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem.

    Coat, hat, going,

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Horse piss...

      More traditionally know as stella or carling

  21. alyn
    Pint

    barmaids

    I'm sure the barmaids had lots of fun pulling the pump handle!!

    They can pull mine anytime.

  22. YorkieDav
    WTF?

    I'm curious to know...

    who is tossing off the NZ equine population?

    Not something I'd want on my C.V.

  23. Ottis

    Are they wankers...

    My question is - who gets to jerk the horses off for the pub?!

  24. rjmx
    Coat

    That explains it ...

    No wonder New Zealand horses run so fast!

    And we'd always thought it was because they'd heard what happens to the sheep.

    1. Brian Morrison
      Paris Hilton

      A long time ago....

      ....there was an avi file of something very much that doing the rounds. No need for the glass and apple juice if you get my drift.

      These days you'd be done for possessing extreme porn for having a copy.

    2. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
      Joke

      Yes they are...

      Horse semen?

      What really happened: Hot bird comes in and orders the stuff. Bartender goes out back and knocks one off, and then somewhat sated in ardour, serves her the result and even gets paid for it.

      No.. this is NZ isn't it?

      What really really happened: Bartender goes out back and grabs a sheep....

  25. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Coat

    It's a title...

    Take this with a pinch of salt.

  26. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    so many possibilities...

    Does it come in pints?

    Would be interrsting to see the barmaid pull a pint of this.

    1. LaeMing Bronze badge
      Coat

      "It comes in pints? I'm getting one!"

      What would you expect in a tavern called the "Prancing Pony".

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Trollface

    My horse is amazing...

    Does it taste like raisins?

    And does this bar serve lemonade?

  28. Graham Bartlett

    Way to spoil a great joke

    Mechanic goes over to the girl's car and says "looks like you've blown a seal."

    ...

    "No, it was definitely a horse."

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wish I was there....

    .... to see the girls "come onto me then" after the mood changing shots and all the hormones that go with it.

    If they were to employ lasses to do the jerking, they might as well get it directly from the horse's ...th.

    Who would visit the pub then?

    Now, wheres the technology angle?

  30. dssf
    Joke

    Mr. Ed would be egg-cited

    And neigh while singing, "A HORSE is a HORSE, of COARSe.. of COURSE"... The jockeys might become jealous... (or, in some egg-stream cases, jail-louse)

  31. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    WTF?

    Do these Kiwi women

    Have an unexplainable desire to watch "The Black Stallion" or "National Velvet" afterwards??

    Remind me to just stick with icewater and not drink anything served in a shot glass the next time I am in New Zealand....

  32. skeptical i

    snowballing

    that is all

  33. Steen Hive
    Facepalm

    "apple-infused horse semen."

    iCum?

    1. farizzle
      Thumb Up

      Special

      you are indeed special haha!

  34. LaeMing Bronze badge
    Happy

    I'm speechless!

    The whole idea has left me feeling a little horse.

    1. M Gale
      Coat

      A little horse.

      Applejack, perchance?

      Yeah I know, I already said I was going.

  35. Brandon 2

    outstanding reporting!

    I needed a good laugh... the comments above are comedic gold, for the most part.

    Thank you reg, from across the pond! :)

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    I find this story hard to swallow

    See title

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    I find this story hard to swallow 2.0

    ... at that price, you don't want to be spitting.

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