back to article Duke Nukem Forever rocks up on shelves

Somebody pinch me, I must be dreaming. 14 years since production first commenced, Duke Nukem Forever has finally gone on sale. It was immediately hit by stonkingly bad reviews, though. D'oh! Apparently, the game has failed to live up to the hype. Although, with that much talk, for that long, it was bound to have a rough ride. …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    It must be a late

    April fools.

    Duke Nukem Forever out? HHAHAAHAAAHAAAHAA.

    Good one El Reg.

  2. Dr Jeep
    WTF?

    Seriously?

    In the second picture, there's some nice eye-candy on the stage, and our writer is checking out the Austin Powers dude instead?

  3. OrsonX
    Happy

    Babes, bullets, bombs!

    The picture reminds me of the IT Crowd when they're at the undeground "Countdown" club:

    "Street Countdown, it's like regular Countdown, but, er played on the street" (!)

    More photos needed!

  4. Quantum Leaper

    The question is when...

    did pigs begin to fly?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    ... and the world goes ...

    meh

    Paris.

  6. Greg J Preece

    Sod this, buy Madness Returns instead

    The demo for DNF was ball-bustingly bad. Everyone I know that had pre-orders cancelled them. Me, I'm more interested in Alice 2: Madness Returns. The first game was incredible, and unlike DNF, this sequel doesn't look like a total ruination. It'll help keep me going until the ridiculously delayed Child of Eden arrives on Move.

  7. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
    Facepalm

    "dozens of babes dressed as raunchy schoolgirls"

    And you've only managed to put up one pic? :P

  8. E 2

    I guess DNF is why

    ...Steam is unreachable this afternoon, LOL?

  9. mafoo
    Coat

    SACRILEGE!

    "You're an inspiration for birth control"

    For some reason they seem to have felt the need to leave that one out this time around. Maybe some republicans, or catholics, stumped up the cash. Sad times.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      Flying pigs

      They've had helicopters for quite some time now, you must have seen Police Camera Action?

      1. Citizen Kaned

        or...

        i like to call them pork choppers :)

        remember that, you heard it here first :)

    2. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD

      Agree...

      I'm waiting for Alice 2 as well. Still play Alice once in a while. So Surreal.

      Won't buy DNF. Meanwhile I have this Brink thing... Not too bad....

    3. NEXIS
      Childcatcher

      BOO YA!! my son

      That is an awsome mental image, the Pope and Bush Jr sitting around with beer stains on their under shirts high fiving each other playing duke

  10. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    This game casts a bad light on all gamers.

    The anti gaming lobby claim that gamers are misogynistic lonely men with the mental age of a 13yr old.

    Unfortunately, judging by the popularity of this game I'm starting to think thay have a point.

    Fail to the king.

    1. Joe Cooper

      n/t

      That's such a dumb statement on so many levels. Aside from the fact that this game is shaping up to be a flop, demonstrating the weakness of such a product on today's market, that's like saying Porky's or Revenge of the Nerds casts a bad light on all film.

    2. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD

      Men...

      I believe you will find most men:

      a) Like women. A lot. For obvious reasons.

      b) Being male and mammalian, exhibit competitiveness, perhaps even an innate instinct towards violence. Self preservation and hunting and all that etc.. We are after all, wise as we are, creatures of nature... we are ... animals.

      c) on the other hand know how to behave themselves by and large in society (else chaos there be), because we can (or would like to believe we can) transcend more primitive instincts and urges because we can think and learn at a level of abstraction that is unprecedented amongst animals.

      Movies like Rambo and pr0n and FPSs/games like this are but a manifestation of whence we came. It is probably instinct to generally like stuff like this.

      But... that doesn't mean we can't be upstanding members of society in real life.

      Get over it.

  11. Beaviz

    @Norfolk "the popularity if this game"

    I do not think that word means what you think it means. From what I've read NOBODY is saying anything good about this game.

  12. Deadmonty
    FAIL

    Shockingly bad.

    I've had more fun arranging my toe nail clippings into amusing shapes than playing this utterly attrocious game. Crap game play, crap story line, crap everything.

  13. Louis Buxey-Softley
    Thumb Up

    Enjoyable

    If you look at it as the long delayed sequel to Duke3D then it is a fine game. Stop comparing it to the games of today. If your a Duke fan in the first place it is a very enjoyable romp. Hails back to the old school days when you didn't need top notch graphics, detailed story line. You just wanted to have fun.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Down

      er.. no

      If you're a Duke3D fan you'll see this is a disappointing pile of shit based on the most annoying features of newer FPS games.

      Forced mouse acceleration

      Restricted to 2 weapons meaning you'll never have to think about weapon choice or ammo as you'll just happen to have everything you need at each point

      As Linear as Half Life 2

      Gimicky lets ride a vehicle and have to stop every so often to be able to continue

      Less than subtle rooms with a door that closes behind you as music kicks in - are we about to have a fire fight?

      Checkpoints only

      Health Regen

      20-30 miuntes of boring arse scriipted crap before you actually get to play the game

      3D Realms lied when saying they were staying true to Duke. There's about 15 minutes worth that feels like Duke, the rest is any generic FPS with the worst features of the genre.

      1. Daniel B.
        Meh

        2 guns only

        That 2 guns only shit was made popular thanks to that really shitty game called Halo. Unfortunately, it seems to have turned into "teh thing" on FPS, so a good bunch of FPS now have that idiotic rule. Please, I'd rather have the "Felix the Cat bag" approach to weapons/ammo than the shitty 2 guns only system!

        1. NEXIS
          WTF?

          not enough!

          agreed! it was a lot more fun to run into battle with a variety of wepons than just 2.Cycling while straiffing and jumping while collecting ammo was FUN! LOOK MA NO HANDS!

  14. CmdrX3
    FAIL

    Past glories have remained firmly in the past..

    What can I say other than bad.... shockingly bad, nay shamefully bad. It's just.... well.... just bad. You will have more enjoyment using your money to drink yourself into a catatonic stupor while someone plucks out your pubic hair with a chainsaw. Yes!!!! It is THAT bad.

    As a sidenote, is it just me or does the "Duke" in that picture look like a dwarf.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    You want some?

    Come get some ;-)

  16. Tegne
    Pint

    I'm having a riot playing DNF

    Yea the graphics are a little dated but the gameplay, puzzles, humour and weapons are fantastic. I found my inner child laughing out loud at some of the scenarios and things that Duke says. I've just finished Crysis 2 which, although graphically wonderful, was a repetetive dumbed down shadow of Crysis 1 with unimaginative weaponry and encounters. Hail to the king, baby.

  17. Lamont Cranston

    With a bit of luck,

    crap reviews will bring the price down, so I can pick it up without feeling too guilty. Even still, I get the feeling that it's going to be a bit like watching your dad dancing: "Look at me, kids! See, I used to be cool..."

  18. Danny Roberts 1
    Unhappy

    CPU Limited

    Is anyone else finding DNF horribly CPU limited? Yes I'm running on a slightly elderly C2D 2.66GHz CPU but I'm getting lousy frame rates both in 5000x1200 Eyefinity or 1024x768 low quality. :-(

    PC is well within both minimum and recommended specs so I've asked for a refund and removal of the game from my account, I'm not too hopeful :-(

  19. Ian Ferguson
    FAIL

    Lucy Orr

    I'm so hoping that Lucy Orr reviews this steaming pile of misogynist crap. Most reviews I've seen so far revolve around 'the gameplay and graphics are rubbish but it's funny and there's boobs hur hur'

  20. David 66
    Flame

    Who cares what girls think

    about boys' toys? I love it and I don't care.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Genius!

    If you look at it as the punchline of a very long joke it works quite well.

  22. enerider
    Happy

    Have DNF - and can honestly say...

    That I've not had so much fun since playing Portal! The puzzles, wisecracks and gameplay all feel pretty damn good to me.

    The stopping to refuel the Mighty Foot (monster truck) was getting a little tedious - but was useful for introducing some different segments of the game (like the ghost town - that part was fun) - and I've not yet finished playing through it yet! (I also giggled at Duke's comment when finishing the Mighty Foot segment - the irony was sidesplitting "Awww! But it got such good gas mileage!")

    It was nearly 1a.m. when I suddenly realised I had to get up for work the next day and retired to bed.

    I've yet to get Portal 2 though, that's waiting on the next payday :)

    1. NEXIS
      Thumb Up

      went to bed?

      I took time off work for uninterupted game play if only i had a feeding tube and cathiter. i still cant feel my thumbs

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