back to article US admiral reveals safety plan for Zombie Apocalypse

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released a report on how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. In a blog post, Rear Admiral Ali S Khan, assistant surgeon general and director of the Office of Public Health Preparedness and Response, provides a brief history of the zombie and explains the dos and don'ts …

COMMENTS

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  1. Reverend Brown
    Go

    Brilliant.

    Great move by the CDC to boost emergency awareness. They're using a fictional, absurd event that most everyone can imagine thanks to movies and video games, and tying how the same steps apply to actual emergencies. Extra points for the attention grabbing headlines that got them play on the bastion of humor and fun that is Fox News. Well done, CDC. Nice to know you've got some humans in there.

  2. Gray
    Troll

    And don't forget ...

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/troll_32.png Pack your iPad with the image of a silver cross flashing brightly ... oh ... That's for vampires. Never mind!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Flame

      You can't do that!

      Apple products burst into flames when they display the Holy Cross!

      Or maybe it's just the batteries. Either way...

  3. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    whaaaa????

    wtf, larry david, wtf?!!!

  4. Msan
    Thumb Up

    Well done CDC...

    you have made thinking about disaster preparedness fun! Although you can hear the shrill cries of 'resign now' once this gem bubbles up to the surface.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      He should resign

      ..and lead us against the coming zombie hordes! You know they are coming!!!

      Oh sorry, its just my kids in the morning....

      1. Marvin the Martian
        Flame

        I'm not worried about them there zombies.

        I think moving off the grid is the most spectacularly suicidal move. You know, eventually those zombies show up (actually -- that's where they started, in the very first Romero movie!) and you are a sitting duck in a practically indefensible location full of windows and nearby trees, and far from any supplies/relief/whatever. Nothing beats a well-situated concrete apartment with empty surroundings.

        But then I know that I'll be Raptured (not raptored) away tomorrow 21/05/2011. So long, suckerz! Good luck with the 1000years of Tribulations starting on 22/05!

        1. breakfast
          Stop

          Starting when?

          I'm pretty sure my tribulations started some time ago...

        2. Roger Varley

          Enrapturement

          You would've hoped that the Good Lord might have had the decency to enrapt us on a workday, rather than leaving it until the weekend

          1. MrCheese
            Joke

            Raptured on a week-day

            Heaven would be full of people saying things like "I know it's only Tuesday but it somehow feels like a Friday!"

          2. lawndart

            re: Roger Varley

            Of course it's slated for a Saturday - that's the Sabbath.

            If you're Jewish...

  5. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    As long as Alyx Vance stays around...

    Bring it on!

  6. Johnny Canuck
    Pirate

    This is not a title

    Hmm, no mention of a machete/sword for head lopping or a gun for head encapment.

  7. James 51 Silver badge

    The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

    All you need is a copy of World War Z.

    1. Jay 2
      Pirate

      There is already such a manual...

      Actually in this case Max Brooks' previous book "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead" (vaguely mentioned in World War Z I recall) would be a much better bet.

      In fact the CDC should probably set up a licencing deal and just use that!

      1. MrCheese
        Thumb Up

        For UK readers

        An excellent addition the Zombie Survival Guide is the Ministry of Zombies, UK Edition. It factors in things like not having access to guns etc.

        1. Peter2 Silver badge

          If it's a Zombie invasion...

          We might actually be better off this side of the pond.

          We may not have as many heavily armed nutters as the Americans, however we do have a secret weapon that is far better suited to seeing off a horde of zombies.

          Castles.

          Bugger trying to defend some apartment block. I can think of dozens of local castles/keeps/ fortified church towers that would be very defensible with nothing but a couple of blokes and a supply of paving slabs/breezeblocks. Then we have the more complete Star Fortresses, which could have stood off a 19th century army with artillery and engineering support. I'd happily bet my life on them holding with the local rifle/archery clubs in residence.

  8. FozzyBear Silver badge
    Go

    Survival Kit

    What about the high density flash drive with the entire series of star trek. !!

    Big bang, It's not just a comedy series it's a survival show. eat your heart out Bear Grylls

  9. Richard 81

    Know where your towel is

    The yellow stripes are high in protein, the green ones have vitamin B and C complexes, and the little pink flowers contain wheat germ extract

  10. johnnytruant

    "I repeat, you must remove the head or destroy the brain"

    As any fule kno, a lawnmower can easily be employed for this purpose if you've mislaid your chainsaw or shotgun.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I see you there

      You there, with the battery-powered strimmer: surprise, you're dead!

      1. Dan Likes Spoons

        Bad idea

        The last thing you want are copious amounts of infectious zombie fluids splashing around :/

    2. Spearchucker Jones
      Pint

      I like to use a Dustbuster.

      I hoover their eyes out, and then dispatch them at a more leisurely pace using the usual methods.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    But of course.

    Always know where your towel is. What other advice could anyone need?

    1. Alien8n Silver badge
      Alien

      Which of course...

      ... is a Douglas Adams HHGTTG reference

  12. Bert 1
    Pirate

    @James51

    I'm not a fan of Zombie fiction, but that's a great book.

    (Not a pirate icon - rather chopping off the head of a Zombie with a Lobo)

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    we need playmobile

    It's the only way to see how this works out. thank you.

  14. jake Silver badge

    Methinks Rear Admiral Ali S Khan needs a new job.

    Gawd/ess knows how many idiots in middle America will take his obviously tongue-in-cheek comment as reality ... There are some things you Just Don't Do from a position of authority.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just one word ........

    KHAAAANNNNNNN!!!

    1. Lockwood

      Took the words out of my mouth

      I wanted to say that!

  16. Graham Bartlett

    Towel schmowel

    Pass me the longsword...

    I'm quite keen on the current "Walking Dead" series for the practicality of using a crossbow. The world will run out of bullets pretty damn fast - even if you go back to a muzzle-loader and casting your own lead, you're still going to need powder. But so long as you can get the bolts back, crossbows just keep going, with the bonus that all the zombies for half a mile around don't hear you either.

    But I'm somewhat surprised that swords and big knives aren't part of their equation though. If they get that close, I'd rather have something properly effective instead of just a splitting axe.

    1. MrCheese
      Boffin

      Not me

      I'll happily take my chances with melee weapon, getting the bolts back is going to be harder than it sounds if you're being overrun when you run out (which you will be)

      Also, don't let the likes of the left for dead games make you think fire is a good idea either

      1. Paul RND*1000

        DO NOT USE FIRE

        The only thing worse than undead hordes trying to eat your brain is undead hordes trying to eat your brain WHILE ON FIRE.

    2. Jacob Lipman

      RE: Towel schmowel

      Bolts are damaged rather quickly, and even expensive arrows are rarely useful against a target with bones and flesh more than a handful of times. I've seen carbon-fiber arrows that cost about 15 USD cracked from striking a deer, and aluminum or wooden arrows deformed by the impact.

      Small-bore rifles are much more practical. On the generous side, you might feasibly be able to carry as many as fifty arrows or bolts. Again on the generous side, count each arrow as good for fifty shots, counting on being able to retrieve arrows - we arrive at a figure of 2500 shots total, including what will presumably be a fairly high proportion of missed or nonfatal shots. There is a fair likelihood that something in your weapon will fail in 2500 shots - the more effective the bow, in general, the more complex and the more points of failure (i.e., compound bows with complex pulley systems). Carrying spare parts is always a good plan whatever sort of weapon you care to tote.

      I'd prefer a small weapon chambered for .22 Long Rifle (5.6mm rimfire). In the US, a small box of inexpensively-manufactured ammunition, 550 rounds packed loose, can be purchased at any Wal-Mart for under 20 USD. I can easily carry five such boxes in addition to my other supplies. It's a small cartridge, with a tendency to send its projectile bouncing about in the skull of the target. Basically ideal for zombies. Fie on your antiquated castles and crossbows.

  17. Pete 43
    Pint

    And a packed lunch

    Pass the brains...

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tough call

    off-grid in Canadia... or Zombie-dom?

  19. Lee Dowling Silver badge

    The unofficial rules of escaping zombies...

    1) Don't move. That "safe place" you've been told about 50 times that's several miles (and a zillion zombies) away will be way overrun before you get there, to the surprise of your entire team (despite the fact that millions of others were told to flock there and most of them would have become zombies eventually).

    2) If you do move, don't faff about. Although there are some great improvised weapons, nothing quite beats a few lorries moving at high speed all together as a team. Weapons are your backup for when the fuel runs out in every single vehicle.

    3) If you can't get away safely, find a huge, big solid wall, find a decent corner with another huge, big solid wall and camp in it. There's always one somewhere. Do not use plasterboard walls.

    4) Check the roof, and the floor. Nothing more embarrassing than being dropped on or tunnelled under when you're in an otherwise safe place.

    5) Chokepoints. Don't stay in a room with eighteen doors and windows. One. Your escape route will be overrun too when you least expect it so don't bother with an emergency exit - one doorway, let them come at you over the heaps of furniture while you all aim everything you have at them.

    6) If ANYONE in your group acts weird, shoot them instantly, and then shoot them again to make sure.

    7) Don't worry about the miniscule risk of hitting an innocent civilian or helpful health carrier amongst the horde. They were going to die anyway.

    8) Don't rely on the Army, Navy, Air Force, National Guard, Police or anybody else to help. They won't. All they will do is produce an endless supply of heavily-armoured zombies.

    9) Be suspicious of every new recruit - put them in a quarantine group basically-forever and don't let them near the group you KNOW isn't infected.

    10) Expect someone completely at random to get infected.

  20. Ian Shumsky
    Grenade

    Rule #2

    Double Tap

  21. DZ-Jay

    Postpone Day Of The Rapture (DoTR)

    Saturday too inconvenient? Sign the online petition to postpone DoTR to at least one full day after the week-end.

    http://www.petitiononline.com/dotr2011/

    -dZ.

    1. dssf

      How would you like that inscription encrypted?

      I didn't sign the petition because I don't know whether any any unholy scripts/scriptures will run. If they are 32-bit or 64-bit or 128- or 256- or 512-bit encryption inscriptions theymight run brute (or brutal) force on the computer... If it borks the computer, I'll face or bleed out of a multi-bit end-scription...

  22. dssf

    Defensive weapons to frack up a zombie's day

    - weed-whackers

    - maces, mornning stars

    - mortars/rocked launchers

    - brain stem detaching concussion grenades (why SHOOT their brains when you can detach the stems?)

    - retina-detaching concussion grenades (they'll need more than Texas State Optical and For-Eyes)

    - anus-detaching concusstion grenades (bleed their asses out)

    - electrified fences (aren't they mostly rabid cattle?)

    - sugared, poisonous, jumbo gooey-sticky rat traps (hopefully, they dick around with the GLUE instead of pursuing YOU)

    - flame throwers

    - fragmentation grenades,

    - claymores (face toward enemy)

    - FAE perimeter defense coupled with muon/nuon/subsonic/ultrasonic ring security

    - anti-shark bang sticks attached to own limbs (hope they don't have EOD skillz)

    - rat poison and cyanide (if all of the above fail and you'd rather be dead PRIOR to being consumed)

    - bedbug and lice launchers (your parting shot if they survive your high toxicity)

    -- chrochet, macrame, scrabble, and Lite-Brite, with an up-pointing middle finger to mind-frack the survivors with your sense of humour

  23. dssf

    Return of the Living Dead (the original, not the sequels)

    "Send moooorrrre cops..."

    "Hello Dispatch? Send... more... PARA MEDICS..."

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=903tc-3nzD8&feature=related

    "HOLD IT....' (HHHHHWWWOOOOK)

    "AHHHHHH"

    "The BRAIN... THE BRAIN!"

    "I **HIT** ThE FU*KIN' BRAIN"

    "DOOO SOMETHING!"

    "OH, JEEEZUSS JEEZUSS..."

  24. Glenn Charles
    Flame

    Baby Boomers

    The .001% of them that actually made money, you mean? being one.

    G

  25. Paul RND*1000

    The zombie apocalypse has already happened

    Just look around you in any shopping mall or other crowded place. Thankfully, instead of brains, they're merely looking for electrical outlets to charge their smartphones.

  26. Havin_it
    Flame

    Having just watched the end of The Walking Dead...

    ...the CDC didn't come out of it too well. I'd get my advice elsewhere tbh.

    Icon: spoiler :P

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