back to article White House warns El Reg over kitten-killing content

I fear this may be the last copy I ever file, following a chilling warning from the White House regarding stories I may or may not write next week, and which could have devastating consequences for the future of humanity. Earlier today, I ill-advisedly posted a rather tasty flame from "cockhead@dickhead.com", pre-objecting to …

COMMENTS

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  1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    sniff, Sniff, SNIIIFFFF

    Hmm, thought I recognised the smell.

    So you're off on holida^H hiding, going anywhere nice^H safe?

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: sniff, Sniff, SNIIIFFFF

      I was thinking of Pakistan. Oh, hold on...

  2. NoneSuch
    Grenade

    Quick...

    Turn off all Internet and Phone service. You will be safe for years...

  3. Captain Underpants
    Pint

    *groan*

    No, seriously, I did in fact groan upon discovering Obama's terrifying black chopper appearing out of nowhere. Fnar fnar.

  4. envmod

    lol

    "Obama's terrifying black chopper"

    i lolled.

  5. mamsey
    Thumb Up

    Excellent

    Started my weekend off with a smile.

    1. sabba
      Megaphone

      So you're saying that...

      Obama's black chopper started your weekend off with a smile, huh!!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wait, I'm confused about this story

    So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up?

  7. XMAN
    FAIL

    What is this nonsense?

    GOTO: Title

    LOOP

    1. Elmer Phud
      WTF?

      component failure

      Your humour recognition has developed a fault.

      It may be repairable.

  8. Someone Else Silver badge
    Pint

    So, you're going on holiday (Am. vacation) then?

    Have a nice week

  9. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

    It's a fake

    That's not a real note from any politician in the US, as demonstrated by the lack of the expression "American Values" (at least once per sentence, it's law).

    1. Elmer Phud

      and . . .

      . . .there's also no ad-break or product placement.

      I wonder what happend to our old mate 'Axis of Evil' is he playing in another band now?

    2. Marvin the Martian
      Headmaster

      Also,

      Barack is a very smart lawyer, he'd have done it the lawyerly way (i.e., with a super-injunction).

      Probably the CIA would implement it for him --- so you wouldn't even know there's an injunction, your keyboard would just refuse to type the statements concerned.

  10. Getter lvl70 Druid Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    I know where the el Reg bunker is......

    .... Washington, D.C.

    They would never ever look there... too busy involving themselves everywhere else.

    1. ravenviz
      Stop

      Re: I know where the El Reg bunker is......

      Wrong! It's in Area 51!

  11. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Don't worry bout it...

    Tell Barack to get back to work and stay in crowded places for a while.

  12. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Pilchards!

    > should Navy SEALs penetrate the defensive cordon

    Just toss 'em a few fish. They'll soon stop trying to balance beach balls on their noses and waddle off to partake of your snack.

  13. dave 93
    Thumb Up

    Almost a Pulitzer?

    Take a month off with the family - you might never have to work again.

  14. Arthur the cat Silver badge
    Grenade

    Can't be from the Yanks

    If it was, the last two sentences would read:

    We know where you live. And if we're wrong, we'll slaughter the innocent civilians living there anyway, and it will all be your fault.

  15. Juan Inamillion
    Thumb Up

    Well done!

    I had a great result at work today and this article topped it off!

    Have a great weekend everyone, especially at Vulture Towers!

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    I'm already regretting typing this

    "a huge [black] weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen"

    : /

    FIFY

  17. Zippy the Pinhead

    @ Lester

    "Accordingly, I'm off to my own reinforced bunker complex until the dust settles. Readers concerned for my welfare should rest assured that I'm taking the missus with me to act as a human shield should Navy SEALs penetrate the defensive cordon and catch me with my pants down. Adios."

    So... you're going to the loo? LOL

  18. Nick G
    Thumb Up

    Aha!

    I believe the correct phrase is: " Can I haz ur stuff?"

  19. Muckminded

    The pre-cogs

    ...think you are making a wise choice.

    Also, be warned that women and seamen don't mix.

  20. Miek
    Coat

    wait for it ...

    "huge weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen"

    That sounds like quite a mouth-full.

  21. Jeremy 2
    Heart

    Must be Friday!

    Fantastic!

  22. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Happy

    Vacant flat

    I know of a vacant flat next door to MI6 HQ. Nice views of the river. No one will think of looking for you there for quite some time.

  23. VeganVegan
    Joke

    Holidays?

    Does this mean that you will be swearing off Merkin kit for a while, at least?

    And, don't forget to pack your trusty camel. You know why they are called the ship of the desert, right? (A: they are full of Arab seaman).

  24. cosymart
    Coffee/keyboard

    Love it

    "huge weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen." You owe me a new monitor, OK a wet wipe will do :-)

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    Obama's terrifying black chopper

    New keyboard please!

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Happy friday to you too!

    lol

  27. ObSolutions, Inc
    Happy

    Beautiful. Just beautiful...

    "a huge weapon of US vengeance ... disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen."

  28. Robert E A Harvey
    Thumb Up

    endless string of silliness

    You do realise that you are taking silliness to an extreme, don't you, Lester?

    But it's Friday so that is absolutely fine.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Yuk!

    "Disgorge a huge quantity of special ops seamen"!!!

    I thought they only shot Him!

    1. Captain Thyratron

      It's generally hidden under careful wording, but...

      Sometimes I wonder whether my government would sound like GLaDOS if only it spoke more concisely.

      1. lpopman
        Terminator

        titular incandescence

        We have both said things which you will regret, but we can put our differences aside. For science. You monster.

    2. Captain Thyratron

      re: on pilchards

      You've just given me the mental image of a bunch of seals rising out of a swamp and brandishing trench knives.

    3. Baskitcaise
      Paris Hilton

      "women and seamen don't mix"

      You Sir are Lewis Page and I claim my £5.

      Paris? please use your imagination ( or watch the film )

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Coat

        To my knowledge

        this is from a Simpsons 'Tree House of Horror' episode where Monty burns plans a trip to 'Ape Island' and needs bait (to capture the giant ape), which leads to Marge joining the expedition. Smithers then says the aforementioned line.

        did I just say all that?

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Maybe...

      they got too excited when they teabagged him...

    5. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
      Headmaster

      No no no...

      That's incorrect lolspeak.

      This -> "I can haz ur stuffs?"

      You have to invert the subject and the verb in a query and generally make as many other spelling or grammatical mistakes as humanly possibly.

  30. fridaynightsmoke
    Coat

    "Obama's terrifying black chopper"

    The men who ride such a chopper have spunk, I'll say that much. I've heard that with stealth and cunning such a chopper can penetrate even the most heavily guarded inner circle. Just be careful it doesn't leave you weeping after unexpectedly breaching your back door one night...

  31. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Grenade

    Spinning Fabulous Yarns is a Real Round Table Art Phorm

    Damn Yankee Spam, Lester. It is just some sad loser chancing their arm. Ignore and delete it, is what it deserves.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Damn

    All the seamen jokes have been taken already

  33. Peter Simpson 1
    Black Helicopters

    Now we know

    They're not black...they're SILVER!

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    We're all going on a summer holiday?

    He's going to find himself shadowed by a London bus.

    Anyway, I've contracted with the Rain Island Army Union for a personal protection team. Though I'm beginning to with Sergeant Barber had lost his alpenhorn in transit. Led Zeppelin on an alpenhorn fitted with plenum-chamber burning can seem a tad noisy.

  35. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Pint

    Watch the bartender!

    Two shots and a splash of water and it's hello goodbye kitty... or goodbye Hello Kitty, yes that's it!

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Nice one No. 6

    You're not going anywhere I'm afraid.

    1. Elmer Phud

      Jack is Number 6

      "Don't tell me I'm still on that Fecking island!"

  37. EL Vark

    To paraphrase a Pepperpot

    Oh, intercourse the kittens!

  38. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Unhappy

    OMFG!

    Just had to explain sendmail spoofing! What are the kids of today coming to?

  39. Herby Silver badge

    The weather is nice in Hawaii this time of year...

    So: "All your base belong to us". Enough said!

  40. Andus McCoatover

    Definitely a fake.

    There's no "...American-people-and-the-rest-of-the-world" line in Barak's "emission..."

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