back to article Revealed: Secret security plan should Kate leave Wills at the altar

Police and spooks in charge of security for tomorrow's royal wedding have planned for every possible eventuality - including that of Kate leaving Wills at the altar. The top-secret contingency plan for a "runaway bride" scenario has been dubbed "Operation Pumpkin", and if put into effect would see hundreds of operatives switch …

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  1. Skrrp
    Happy

    </title>

    El Reg, please please do a Playmobil enactment of this, to the tune of Yakkety Sax.

    1. Annwyn

      Playmobil

      Seconded

      1. Kool-Aid drinker

        @PLAYMOBIL

        Me too!

        1. Miek
          Thumb Up

          Plamobil

          +1 "The post is required, and must contain letters."

    2. serviceWithASmile

      Playmobil

      Thirded

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Yes please

      really really really want to see that.

  2. jake Silver badge

    If she had any sense ...

    ... she'd be heading for Switzerland, or some other neutral territory.

    I mean, I'm not exactly normal ... but who would marry into that barmy lot on purpose? Somewhere, Vivian Stanshall is rubbing his hands together at the prospect of new material.

    1. Brian Morrison
      Coat

      Sadly, I don't think that the inimitable Viv...

      ... will be in any state to make use of this windfall. I also think that he did very well on his own.

      "If I could have all the money I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink! "

      And, was Viv buried upright beneath a giant marrow? Enquiring minds want to know!

      Mind's the one with Hubert's plasticene in the pocket....

    2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

      @jake

      Some time ago I kind of felt embarrassed for my 'barmy lot'. Until I realised there is no such thing as a normal family. Indeed, on a comparative scale mine appears quite bearable.

      1. Code Monkey

        Barmy families

        Compared to this lot, even the Fritzls look sane

        1. Colin Brett
          Coat

          @code monkey

          "Compared to this lot, even the Fritzls look sane"

          If you go back through the family tree far enough, you might even find they're related!

          1. M2Ys4U

            Related...

            "If you go back through the family tree far enough, you might even find they're related!"

            If you go back far enough *everyone* is related.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is there going to be a wedding?

    Must be a slow news day.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Hmm...

      I thought they'd called it off, after all my invite hasn't arived and as I'm paying for it, it would be rude not to invite me...

    2. Marvin the Martian
      Megaphone

      It's thursday!

      Thursday's the new Friday.

  4. Richard 81

    Well played

    Still, I wonder how the crowd would react to something of this nature.

  5. Pet Peeve
    Unhappy

    You have got to be kidding

    This is a joke, right? Please tell me that a mature first-world country didn't engage its intelligence apparatus to protect it against a flighty bride. "Defense of the Realm" this ain't.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Troll

      You're not from round these parts, are you?

      "mature first-world country" indeed.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      That's too long a word…

      "Intelligence", I mean. It obviously doesn't apply to you.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Mature? Will no one think of her coat of arms?

      My suggestion is that it include a dinosaur, a T-Rex seemingly the most appropriate.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Soon to be a motion picture!

    I imagine Richard Curtis is working on it right now.

  7. Mike Richards

    Thumbs up - you've earned your beer

    But there'd better be a PlayMobil recreation of tomorrow's gushtastic events for those of us who are naturally intolerant of wall-to-wall fawning and cringing from the likes of Nicholas Witchell and Vernon (I am so not making this up) Kaye*.

    Feel free to add velociraptors and shape-changing robots to the guest list if it promises to make things more interesting.

    * Memorably described this week by Marina Hyde as the missing link between the BBC and the vegetable kingdom.

  8. lglethal Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    El Reg... Thank You... seriously...

    Funniest thing ive read on the wedding all day! Be careful though, you might end up banned like The Chasers if you keep up this comedy lark....

  9. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    erm...... really?

    Come on .... extra-late April fools?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      ah wait ...

      just read the author name ... he he he

  10. Richard 120
    Thumb Up

    Brilliant

    "let's face it, this one's hardly that unlikely, is it?" - LOL

  11. Chad H.

    My goodness

    They really do think of everything don't they.

  12. lee harvey osmond

    Lots of people cry at weddings ...

    ... but everyone will be crying at this one. Marmaduke LaHussy, you omitted to refer to the Met's pre-ceremony excessively zealous use of tear gas.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Troll

    My money is on Wills bolting,....

    she looks like she could be a husband-beater, and he looks like he was fathered by a horse. (Seriously, everyone goes on about how handsome / smart he is; if he was just a stock broker from Sloane Park, everyone would say "upper class twit with big teeth" and move on).

    1. captain veg

      Horse

      At least he looks a bit like the right horse, unlike his alleged brother.

      -A.

      1. stuartnz

        not alleged 'brother'

        Even in the scenario you posit, which does seem VERY likely, there's nothing "alleged" about their being brothers. Not by half.

  14. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    You missed a bit.

    That's where they cut the sound feed to ensure that there's no chance of an errant microphone picking up Phil the Greek saying: "You stupid fucking COW!", followed by the unmistakeable sound of a top-quality leather handbag being firmly walloped into a set of elderly goolies.

  15. Richard Jukes

    heh

    Doesnt want to be on the dating scene wearing a rug...heh...heh....still laughing... heh

  16. peyton?

    heheh

    The thought of anyone running in a dress that probably has a practically mile long train is just too funny. She'd be winded by the time she got to the church doors!

    Still, I think Clarence House missed an option. They should've requested the moving corridor of security use the confusion to funnel her around and back up to the altar ;)

    1. Pawel 1

      Maybe

      they did - but would you say that's something they would want to make public?

    2. Someone Else Silver badge
      Badgers

      "Goolies"?!?

      Are they anything like "nadgers"?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "don't you want my mother's lucky ring?"

    dunno if that's a better or worse approach than shouting "cease disobedient subject"

  18. Nigel Brown
    Joke

    Dear Kate.

    A piece of advice Ms Middleton. If you do cut and run, do not, I REPEAT, do NOT get into any waiting Mercedes..............

    1. bobbles31
      Coffee/keyboard

      You owe me a keyboard!

      Of course the official plan is to offer her a denim jacket and a five minute head start.

      Whatever you do Kate, dont use the tube!

  19. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    The Reg...

    ...has a Royal Correspondent?

  20. Thomas Whipp

    has me worried

    apart from the quotes this really does feel plausible, I wonder if there are security people sat in London going "damn" right now.

  21. bobbles31

    Erm

    Is it Friday already?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Erm

      It's the last working day of the week. Close enough for me :-)

  22. The Real Tony Smith
    Thumb Up

    ROTFLMAO!

    Thanks for livening up a very dull afternoon!

  23. Moz

    Bravo!

    You've just out-mashed the Daily Mash. Funniest piece I've read in ages!

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Am I the only one...

    ...who now hopes this happens? Would liven things up a bit.

    1. Unkown cow heard

      There may be people who hope it doesn't happen

      ...but they probably resemble a horse and come from a very shallow gene pool indeed!

  25. Sabine Miehlbradt
    Pint

    What's the problem?

    That's what a taser is for, innit?

    Don't your police have them?

  26. Jonathon Green
    Go

    "Oops. Sorry dear..."

    The only thing which could possibly be funnier than this scenario would be for the secretly pregnant[1] Ms Middleton to go into premature labour at the altar and then grunt forth a *black* infant into the arms of the archbishop on live TV just *after* being pronounced married.

    We can but hope...

    [1] Yes, I know, it's amazing what a *really* good couturier can disguise isn't it....

  27. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Cor ..... you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that is dealt with

    "You have got to be kidding .... "Defense of the Realm" this ain't." ... Pet Peeve Posted Thursday 28th April 2011 11:38 GMT.

    Quite so, Pet Peeve, it is Right Royal Protection in Action and Virtual Reality for Defense of Dream Realms and their Promotions in Future Programs as Present Realities ....... for AI Heavenly Views in Beta Paths to Travel.

    A Quantum Leap is no Small Step for a Wild English Rose with Bewildering Magic in Insatiable Passions and Abuse of Process is the Tower Route for the Mal Phormed and Uninformed in other Outcomes with Programming.

    When Life is a Game whose Code XSSXXXX Scripts does one follow to realise/energise to present future intelligence and completely new views on everything for collective learning with personal experience experiments an attractive and addictive Power Control Driver for Leading Applications with Hot Assets and Critical Needs/Vital Feeds.

    It's a little more than just a wedding, methinks, whenever so much is presently at stake.

    Quantum Control BetaTest XSSXXXX1104281340.

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
      Badgers

      It's well known...

      that what it takes a commoner or a cow nine months to do, a countess can do in seven. Presumably the higher you go up the social tree the less time it takes?

    2. Someone Else Silver badge
      WTF?

      Scotty!

      Damn Universal Translator is ont he fritz again!!

    3. YARR
      Thumb Down

      Not funny

      Well I'm sure that our forefathers who made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could live, would be proud that such a morally upstanding individual as yourself would walk in their footsteps... NOT.

      If anyone's mother could have chosen a better father, it would be those whose offspring are those lowliest of individuals who mock and demoralise their own kind.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Surely you mean...

        If anyone's mother could have chosen a better father, it would be those whose offspring are those lowliest of individuals who have no sense of humour.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    I wondered...

    where the Sunday Sport journalists had moved to....

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Troll

    Have William Hill opened a book

    on when / how this one will die? Put me down for 2020, drowning, with Colonel Mustard in Mauritius.

  30. Christoph Silver badge
    Boffin

    More likely to have trouble with the weather

    With the likely weather, tomorrows big event may have to be postponed. NASA will have to scrub the launch and try again later.

  31. F111F
    Pint

    Well Done!

    Hoisting one for Mssr. LaHussy...

  32. This post has been deleted by its author

  33. Tony S
    Pint

    Simple Answer

    Do what my grandfather did with my aunt - gave her a large swig from his hip flask. OK, by the time she got to the altar, the groom had to hold her up, but at least she was there in body and "spirit"!

    I'm sure Phil the Greek will have a small bottle of ouzo hidden away somewhere.

    1. Mephistro Silver badge

      For a moment there...

      I read that as if your grandpa had married your aunt, after easing her hesitation with a bit of booze. Kids, that's what watching too much garbage TV does to your brains! :-)

  34. xyz
    Black Helicopters

    Wouldn't they just kettle the Kate...

    ...until she got bored, hungry and needed the loo. She's marry him then!

  35. Steve McPolin
    Coat

    weapon of choice....

    "... a strategically positioned taxi, driven by an undercover SAS operative ..." - sounds vaguely familiar...

  36. Tony 32
    Grenade

    If this was a soap

    Then Kate would make it to the alter but decline Wills and turn to Harry, quick snog and then both dissapear into a waiting blacked out limo

    1. Adrian Challinor
      Go

      Nooooooo

      That would be The Archers!

  37. amanfromearth
    Pint

    Excellent

    A round of applause for Team Reg I say!

    hip-hip-hooray

  38. Tom Harvey
    Joke

    You tube sensation

    And have they considered how to handle the bandwidth requirements resulting form this existing on youtube? I would expect the death of the internet if this was to happen,

  39. IglooDude
    Thumb Up

    A round for the El Reg folks

    who drafted this. Simply brilliant. And +1 to Playmobil reenactment here, too.

  40. hamcheeseandonion
    Pirate

    "Kindly pass me that map constabule, there's a good lad!"

    Right lads! Listen up!

    I need PCs Dixon and Dibble to take Maud The Dinner Lady's white Fiat, and PCs Tubbs 'n Crackpot to filch the keys from That Pratt In Accounting's Honda Fireblade.

    You'll need to move a bit sharpish lads, cause the bint's done a runner...and yes Doyle, i do know who's won the pool, you jammy git!

    Anyway...enough of that cheering cobblers...get your fat arses down to the underpass pronto!

    and remember......be careful out there.

  41. Rob Dobs

    Jokes Aside

    This is a very in-depth sneak peek into the thought processes involved in the UK government.

    The concepts put forth detail s on planned public subterfuge, ringer to call things in the crowd....

    I have not before seen such frank quotes about government plans to affect a persons behavior.

    I know this is just some officials in the U.K. wanting to put their best face on for the world, which is understandable. However it smacks of Nazi/Dictator tactics and makes me think this must be how big brother started out.....

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I read in the Graun....

    I read in the Guardian that if she does leave him at the alter, National TV would loop video of the crying crowds set to Joy Division's "Atmosphere".

    Cheery.

  43. tas
    Happy

    Amazing!

    Seriously, the funniest article I've read online for a long time!

    Well done Marmaduke LaHussy and the Register! Hope you're rewarded with a ton of hits for this one :)

  44. Graham Bartlett

    @Rob Dobs

    Somehow I can't see old Adolf doing Playmobil recreations to the tune of Yakety Sax. Although on the subject of Yakety Sax, if there were a Benny-Hill-esque quantity of bare-breasted women running around, perhaps it would have stiffened French resolve on the Maginot line...

  45. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Please...

    Can't we just keep one place free from this hype, quite frankly I was bored of it months ago...

    I have my fingers crossed that operation pumpkin is go, it's the only thing which could possibly justify the amount of TV coverage I'm going to have to avoid after the event!

    1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge
      Boffin

      Maginot line?

      Technically he just drove around it, invading Belgium in the process, so no amount of bare-breasted female Benny Hills running around to stiffen the Maginot line would have changed anything.

      Also I need mindbleach now.

      1. TeeCee Gold badge
        Joke

        Re: Maginot line?

        Yes, but surely if it *had* been liberally covered with semi-naked girlies the Wehrmacht would have headed en masse straight for it, regardless of any outflanking orders in place and generals throwing their rattles out of their prams. Then it would have been smashed on the defences and WWII would have been rather shorter.

        A very cunning plan, save for it being 70-odd years too late.

        1. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

          Re: Re: Maginot line?

          You mean they didn't use the right kind of bombshells to suitably stiffen the Maginot line? I'm not sure about that, it was thick and strong, stiffly erected and quite intimidating. But size and stiffness, although important, are not all, you also need to stick it in the right spot. Although one could argue that the stiff Maginot line was deliberately placed in the front, to trick the Wermacht into penetrating through the Belgian backdoor, thus luring the UK into joining in the fun.

          Imagining cliché-costumed actors roleplaying the whole thing in fast-motion, to the tune of Yakety Sax, is left as an exercise for the reader.

  46. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    IT Angle

    I wonder how much trouble you can get in....

    If you were to hop on police bands mid-ceremony tomorrow and start shouting helpful things like "The Pumpkin has left the patch!! Repeat!! Pumpkin has left the patch!! Use of rubber rounds and non-lethal restraint is authorized!!!" :)

    And seriously, Westminster must have a room somewhere (and another one for the prince) that the cold-footed bride and jilted prince could wait in while the guests are told that the wedding will not be held today and are shown out without adding the farce of toffs running down the street followed by hundreds of cops, cameramen, wellwishers and other hangers-on.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I for one...

    ... Wish our future heir to throne all the best, and offer my own sage advice that he not follow his fathers example, in replacing the stunning bit of totty he has now, with something that looks like the back end of a horse.

    Mean it and make the most of it!!!!

  48. Herby Silver badge
    Joke

    Ratings Bonanza??

    Where can I buy the ad space? It would be worth zillions.

    Now where is that viagra web site!

  49. json

    LOL seriously now?

    ... reads like a hollywood movie though.

  50. Johan Bastiaansen
    Thumb Up

    Taken seriously

    In the mean time, this was taken up by the (not so) serious media: http://www.zita.be/entertainment/nieuws/1308541_wat-als-kate-middleton-zich-bedenkt.html#reageerhier

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    when's the video due?

    The media coverage of this wedding has been overkill: photo-ops, tame press conferences, clip shows, mindless documentaries, etc. It's been educational. But something's missing. When's the video of the wedding night going on the interweb? We've paid for the fucking wedding so it's only fair we should get to see the whole show.

    Paris icon because she knows how important it is for her public to see a right royal shagging.

  52. DGol

    Good luck chasing her in that dress

    I bet they turned pale when they saw the train.

  53. Andus McCoatover
    Joke

    Surely...

    ..there should be an "App for That"™

    Or a game. Call it "One Angry Bird". Basic idea: Said A.B 'flies' out of Westminster Abbey, identified in the multitude only by a long, flowing white dress.

    Spunky Prince prances to Clarence House, nabs his ol' man's Austin Martin*, has to goto RAF Valley as quick as can be whilst avoiding green pigs strategically placed, to grab another 'bird', fly back and use his massively powerful chopper to rescue her before James Hewitt gets his wicked way...

    Nah. Probably get a 'super-injunction' just for thinking about it.

    *Unlocking the wheelclamp first, natch, given a series of clues.

  54. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    @Evil Auditor

    Congratulations. Having worked that there is no such thing as a 'normal' family advances you at least 5 steps along the path to enlightenment.

  55. Andrew Punch
    Badgers

    But then...

    Doctor Who bursts out from under the priest's dress and takes Kate on a journey through time. And she ends up shagging William the Conquer instead. Whoops

  56. John Gamble
    Thumb Up

    Somewhere There are Onion Writers Drinking Heavily

    ... and saying to each other "Why didn't WE think of that?"

  57. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge

    We have a saying ...

    ... that starts:

    "If you love something, set it free."

    There are several alternative endings which I'll leave to your imagination.

  58. ravenviz
    Boffin

    Ex-future-princess?

    Ex-future-duchess, surely?

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