back to article W**k-O-Meter

If you're going to do something, do it properly. A fine creed, and just as applicable to playing the pink oboe as any other worthwhile hobby. Designed not only to tell you how well you are doing it and what effect it’s having, but also to encourage the development of your technique and make it a more pleasurable experience, …

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  1. BorkedAgain
    Happy

    Safe to assume...

    ...this is for iPhonanists only?

    Happy you-know-what, guys. Top banana.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Happy April Fool's (Fri)day.

    Great work guys.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    Rofl

    This is the April Fools one, right?

    1. Code Monkey

      No

      Article says it's an Onandroid (f)app

    2. Code Monkey

      I thought they did that weeks ago

      You know, the one with the Duke Nukem release.

    3. NightFox
      Coat

      Developers Seed

      I beta tested the iPhone version, but I couldn't 'complete the game' with it. Apparently I was holding it wrong.

  4. The BigYin

    A bit obvious?

    Maybe?

  5. lansalot
    Thumb Up

    hmmm

    This is exactly the sort of hands-on approach needed to finally settle that age-old question; just which nation is full of wankers ? Is there an iPhone version coming (as I would expect that the number of wankers would soar if so...) ?

    Like the idea of the "encouraging" sounds.. but surely a picture would be more appropriate? You could have two, even - one of Halle Berry playing tennis perhaps for those racing towards the quick shufty, and another of Anne Widdecombe's ankle for those looking to extend their stamina... ?

    Good to see it's free though, I wouldn't pay for such an app what with being so tight-fisted...

  6. Big_Ted
    IT Angle

    hmmmmmm

    The cynic in me says its April Fools Day

    The realist says this is all too possible when you concider people bought fart aps.....

    Anyway why not just use a pedometer like the rest of the world.......

  7. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    seriously???

    Please tell me this is an April Fool...

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Uhmm

    I'm not sure whether I should envy or pity the beta testers. :)

  9. bugalugs

    Best velcroed waterproof pouch on market

    = Profit !

    1. lansalot
      Joke

      :O

      "Anyway why not just use a pedometer like the rest of the world......."

      Paedo??? Paedo?????? Where's my Daily Mail?!?!? There's laws against that sort of thing young man. People like you make me sick so I'm told....

  10. iAndy

    1st April comes so soon

    This is the 1st April so I'll let you off. After all "It's all in the WORST possible taste."

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    As Peter Griffin once said

    Freakin Awesome!

    lol happy friday

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    Best subheading this week

    Onan the Barbarian :)

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For a minute there...

    I was going to congratulate you on the work that went into your April fool joke, but unless you've gone to the trouble of registering an app on the market *and* somehow getting backdated comments on it, the app is real! lmao!

    I'm still not brave enough to download it though!

  14. alyn
    Thumb Up

    iWank

    It should be an iPhone app. I always thought iFans were a load of w@nkers

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Fail

    Wot no FaceTime integration?

    1. Goat Jam
      Thumb Up

      Reverse April Fool

      I bet el reg has been <aholding on to this" story so that they can let it go on April 1st to provoke a flood of "Nice April Fools joke guys!" comments from the commentard brigade.

      Worked a treat too going by my brief scan of the comments section.

      Nicely played El Reg!

  16. Z 1
    Coffee/keyboard

    April fool or not

    This made me chuckle!

  17. Nigel Brown

    Talka bout missing a trick

    This should have been out on iOS first....

    Sent from my iPhone

    Damn, thought I'd got rid of that autosig.........

  18. Gaz Jay
    Joke

    Single?.....

    ....there's a FAP for that.

  19. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

    Excellent April Fool, BTW

    The best kind - quite believable, given the kinds of apps that really do exist...

  20. Ben Best
    Coffee/keyboard

    Very good

    Much better than some of the others I've seen this morning.

  21. amanfromearth
    Unhappy

    No, Wait

    It's 1 April

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    2011-04-01

    Well-crafted poisson article.

    At first I misread "Need an ambiance to help you?" as "Need an ambulance to help you?". Unfortunately that may be true for some users.

  23. Tony S
    Coffee/keyboard

    iFans

    Don't worry; this app will come pre-installed on the iPhone 5. Get your orders placed now!

  24. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
    FAIL

    Onan's crime...

    ...was premature withdrawal, not masturbation...

  25. AGirlFromVenus

    great for politicians

    Network wank: recommended by Cameron, Sarkozy, Belosconi and Obama. Target you jiz over Libyia.

  26. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Happy

    Joking apart

    And there will be lots.

    Inside this is a pretty clever bit of signal processing reading the accelerometers.

    Got to know that with DSP you can make love (at least to yourself) and not war.

  27. Richard Jukes

    Heh

    It should have been released on the iPhone, the potential market there is massive.

  28. Loosewheel
    Thumb Up

    At last

    A really useful app......

    "Pass the mansize dearest"

    1. LaeMing

      Yes.

      Though maybe they were talking about his great uncle, Onan the Barbarian.

    2. Steve Evans

      re: iFans

      Indeed... I heard the iPhone5 will even have a 2cm diameter hole in the middle for improved hands free operation!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      so he didn't use his hand

      but the end result was the same now, wasn't it!

      Thumbs up because that's the closest to a hand i could find.

  29. Tavis
    Linux

    Penguin?

    Surely that's a duck, not a penguin?

  30. LinkOfHyrule
    Coat

    I've already got a w***ometre...

    ...it's called a lazy boyfriend!

    Mines the one with the encrusted stains.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm quite happy to live in a world

    where there's an application sporting a "Start Wank" button.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Title is Required...

    Cos' we all know Android users are a load of Wan...

    oh wait.

  33. amanfromearth

    Note to self:

    Don't buy a used Android phone.

  34. amanfromearth
    Coat

    This must prove what many iFans think

    - Android phones buyers are Wankers

  35. John Tserkezis

    Obvious.

    When the market tires of apps that make farting noises, this is the next thing to try.

    It also perfectly suits the average iPhone fanboy too!

  36. Rob Haswell

    April fool?

    If so it's quite elaborate as there are comments on https://market.android.com/details?id=me.mga.parquimetro from a few days ago

  37. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    "playing the pink oboe"

    Wrong euphemism I believe.

    When playing the oboe you don't just have to put your hands on it, you also have to put one end in your mouth.

    Which is sort of the point.

    +1 for the fact that it's aimed at wankers and yet not being for the iPhone being a bit of a giveaway here....

    1. LaeMing
      Go

      Wouldn't pass the iCops anyway

      App-store rules are that such programs must only use sound-bites from Steve's product launch speaches.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Paris Hilton

      paris plays teh oboe

      And the flute, too. Gets good results out of them both from what i read.

  38. John Square

    Ni9ce reference in the subhead...

    The Beat, indeed.

  39. Arctic fox
    IT Angle

    I have to assume that this is either the......

    ...........release candidate or the relief candidate?

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Missing sales opportunity

    Believability reduced by absence of accessory business model. Where is the special glove to hold your phone to maximize the sensitivity of the accelerometer?

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Had a little chuckle...

    ... at what I thought was the first April Fool of the day. Then curiosity made me scan the barcode. Well, that's later sorted then trying to get a high score!!!

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: Had a little chuckle

      I know! I scanned it too! Imagine my surprise to find there really is an app on the Android market, with comments going back a few days, so it's either genuine or someone has committed the sin of starting an April fool early, which is a no-no...

      I just noticed they now give the Android and Amazon market links at the top of the review, but only the Android market one works.

      If you really want a laugh visit the authors website, they have a real time update scrolling down! lmao!

  42. Steve Babb
    Paris Hilton

    No joke

    I spoke the the developer's PR officer, April Fuller. She told me, and I quote, "she loves it".

    She went to admit it's not for just any old wanker though, but this kind of "hands on experience is exactly what Web 2.0 is really about". Apparently there's also going to be a KPrice branded version which generates "encouraging, lifelike 3D images" as the screen moves.

    Would be great if the hardware manufacturers could link this to a battery charging device to keep the green wankers happy.

    Paris, because...well.....do I have to explain!?

  43. Goldmember
    Thumb Up

    Good one Reg

    Someone put some real effort into those fake screenshots. Your April fools are getting better each year

    1. Steve Evans

      re: Good one Reg

      Errrr... maybe you should test some of the links out... It's real!

      1. Goldmember

        Yes...

        Just looked it up. It does indeed aqppear to be real!

        Modern times, eh..?

  44. Admiral Grace Hopper
    Thumb Up

    RegHardWare

    Very good.

  45. LaeMing

    And the coresponding NS article...

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20323-masturbation-calms-restless-leg-syndrome.html

  46. John H Woods Silver badge
    Happy

    It's real...

    ... developed by FiveAgainstTheBaldGuy. I've given it a very quick go and it says that either I'm kidding them or I have a serious medical problem. A subsequent quick shake told me 'the phone is not accurate enough to measure nanoseconds, sorry'.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction...

    Nice double-bluff El-Reg!

    I'll be in my bunk.

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    ONLY available on Android says it all.

    Title says it all.

  49. Les Matthew
    Thumb Up

    Mirror in the bathroom...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTNpaaPHENE

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    app store has it

    Don't think it's April Fool.

    I just downloaded from the App Store and does what it says on the tin (not full testing though)

  51. nsld
    Paris Hilton

    its genuinely

    on the android marketplace and the publisher is called FiveAgainstTheBaldGuy !

    Enid Blighton has a lot to answer for!

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    if it hertz...

    if it hertz, you're doing it wrong.

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Well

    When my wife gets mine out of handbag to let me have it back, I'll let you know!

    1. Stu_The_Jock
      WTF?

      Re : When my wife gets mine out of handbag to let me have it back

      Erm, are you referring to your droid handset or your manhood ? If she keeps THAT in her handbag you are in REAL TROUBLE.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        I'll let you decide!

        In this day and age I don't know which is the greater loss!

  54. IMVHO

    Annual summit of the board of directors and executive team

    And so, gentlemen, we turn our attention to the matter of bringing young Jenkins into the executive fold.

    Mmmm...yes. Let's see, now. Masters degree, ran that division quite swimmingly, and, oh, oh my, he ranked a two?

    We shall have nothing of young Mr Jenkins. Until one can yank a four, one is simply not obsessed enough with oneself to be considered our peer.

    And so it is settled. Until Jenkins can master himself to the rank of four, he shall not be considered worthy of partaking in our self-pleasurement.

    Very good. Now, gentlemen, form a circle, have your phone in-hand, and kindly reach to your right.

    MMMMuuuuaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.... I say, Smith, that's quite a grip you've got, especially impressive palm strength for a CIO. Have you considered thumb wrestling, dear boy?

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    69th comment

    Title says it all

  56. Graeme Hayes
    Thumb Up

    I need a new phone now !!

    I'll go and get me one of them Handroid phones !!

  57. miknik
    Thumb Up

    Best app ever

    The sound effects are hilarious, the comments on performance aspects are hilarious. This is genius.

    Even the accessories page is funny http://www.wankometer.com/accessories/

  58. Natalie Gritpants
    Happy

    A few improvements

    Ditch the accelerometers and use the capacitive sensor to measure area coverage, they're wipe clean aren't they? Could do with a nice picture of Natalie Imbruglio for encouragement. Will it run on an iPad?

    The next gen phones with force measurement could also give you a report on your jiz momentum.

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