back to article Man found guilty of battery after ejaculating in co-worker's drink

A California man faces up to a year inside after being found guilty of two counts of misdemeanor battery for ejaculating into a colleague's water bottle. Michael Kevin Lallana faces additional aggro after the jury backed a "sentencing enhancement allegation" that he committed said misdemeanours for "sexual gratification". …

COMMENTS

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  1. Andy Hards
    Thumb Up

    Last line

    I liked what you did there.

  2. asiaseen

    Title

    That would be Northwestern Non-Mutual then.

  3. Mike Hanna

    Perhaps they turned up a year too late!

    "Tiffany apparently burst into tears after a verdict, prompting a sherriff's deputy to bring her tissues"

    Hahahahaha!

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    because "her lips had touched it"

    If that were the only motivation he could have thrown the bottle away after polluting it. So I think he meant: because her lips were going to touch it.

    If he gets let off because this particular act isn't covered by the "battery" law there will presumably be a public outcry and politicians will trip over each other in their efforts to approve a new "manbattery" law.

  5. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge
    WTF?

    Gross.

    Just gross.

    1. Jon Double Nice

      hahaha "manbattery"

      top skills!

    2. Chika
      Paris Hilton

      What a jerk!

      Yup. It's just wrong!

  6. Goldmember

    That last line...

    ..was in very poor taste (no pun intended):

    "Tiffany apparently burst into tears after a verdict, prompting a sherriff's deputy to bring her tissues."

    Still, I had a cheeky giggle to myself after reading it

  7. McBeese

    Best part...

    The best part of the story is that she was familiar enough with the taste of semen to recognize it. http://www.theregister.co.uk/Design/graphics/icons/comment/thumb_up_32.png

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @McBeese

      What is wrong with that? Does her recognition of the taste of semen somehow make her anything extraordinary?

      Have I tried to visit The Register's website, taken a wrong turn and mistakenly arrived in Victorian England instead?

    2. LDS Silver badge
      Stop

      So what?

      Even she knows how semen tastes (she's not a nun, c'mon) it doesn't mean someone can put his in her bottle. That guy deserves some time in jail - where he will be very careful about someone's else bottles...

    3. oddie
      Happy

      Giggles...

      might be funny if she's a 15 year old girl (on account of it being, you know, an indirect admission that she has spent quality time around boys, and sex is still thought of as a embarrashing thing by quite a few misguided people), but as for a grown woman? Be surprising if she didn't know the taste of it.. next thing you'll claim that you dont? I don't think there are many humans over the age of 20 that don't know what semen taste like, be they man or woman (Except girls who figured out they were playing for the away team early on I guess) :)

      1. Anthony Hegedus Silver badge
        Flame

        Taste of semen

        Sorry, but I'm over 20 and I haven't a clue what it tastes like. I imagine it has a horrible mouth-feel. Oh, and I'm a bloke.

        1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          RE: Ant

          It's more of a slighlty salty taste, often a bit sour.

          Like slightly bad mayonnaise.

          1. CmdrX3
            Unhappy

            Ooooooooookkk

            thats pretty descriptive... and sounds a bit like a KFC Chicken fillet burger tower.

            1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
              Pint

              Re: CmdrX3

              Sorry, but owing to the nature of our line of work the boss is currently out on lunch at KFC.

              He will be back later this afternoon.

              Thanks, Jill the secretary

      2. Burch

        The home team

        surely?

      3. NogginTheNog
        Thumb Down

        Sheltered life?

        I can honestly say that whilst I can make a guess what semen tastes like (salty or so I've heard?) I most certainly COULD NOT identify it from simply drinking some water!

        And yes it made me smile that this woman admitted in open court that she could, but no that most definitely doesn't change the disgusting nature of the crime the guy committed!

  8. Poor Coco
    Stop

    As Frankie once said...

    "Relax, don't do it, when you wanna come."

  9. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
    Coat

    Nasty

    A woman I used to work with, while on holiday in Spain, was at a bar with a nice chap dancing 'au naturel'. He then proceeded to dance up to their table, and kindly stirred her drink for her...

    Apparently the bar staff were quite surprised when she wasn't pleased, and demanded a fresh drink. *

    As it was a cocktail (fnarr fnarr) in a large glass filled with ice - the bloke probably deserves some kind of a medal. As well as a stern telling off.

    * I guess anyone would need a stiff drink after that experience. OK, the coat it is...

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ new "manbattery" law

    You haven't had enough exposure to US politics (I had 3 years and that was more than enough!)

    ... it won't be a "manbattery law" ... it will be "Tiffany's law"

    1. Lupus

      Titles be damned!

      I can't help but feel you might've missed the joke ever so slightly.

    2. Ian Stephenson Silver badge
      Coat

      Tiffany's Law

      in 150g pots right next to the Cole's Law.

      Ok im leaving....

  11. Christos Georgiou
    Coat

    “I just found semen in my bottle!”

    …says the poor employee.

    So the specialist colleague offers: “Here, let me taste it. Mmm, definitely someone from Sales.”

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Would that be a...

    Protein shake?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    @PoorCoco: To quote an old tee shirt...

    "Who gives a f*ck what Frankie says!?"

    No law to cover this heh? They should declare him an enemy cum battant and send him to Gitmo.

    He certainly owes the young lady an HIV test at the very least.

    And his wife, certainly must know that when he's with her, he's thinking of Tiffany.

    1. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
      IT Angle

      To quote a (probably shite) game with good scripting...

      His wife's probably like. "I'll kill his dick..."

      http://www.reghardware.com/2011/02/23/games_review_bulletstorm/

      Watch the video... it's hilarious. I can't get that quote out of my head.

      In all seriousness though, however, someone *should* kill his dick. If someone did that to my drink, I certainly would.

      What a wanktard!

  14. John Tserkezis

    The judge is a tool.

    I'm not surprised she cried at the verdict.

    Put some of that special juice in the judge's drink and I'll bet my left nut someone will get the guillotine.

    Right after the public flogging.

  15. YumDogfood

    Yes, but did she spit or swallow the drink?

    I know, this Mr Obvious is going to hell.

    /coat, the shiny metallic asbestos lined one.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Paris Hilton

      Margaritas All-round!

      Sadly the best quotes didn't make it through to the reg article:

      "A defense expert witness, psychologist Ellen Stein, testified that Lallana has a narcissistic personality disorder and the maturity of a 16-year-old. Stein also said Lallana was known in his family as a prankster and could have done it as a joke, not for sexual gratification."

      Perhaps the Judge bought in to the defence spin, hence the can of legal whup-ass remains to be opened, but that would be a pity. I doubt a teenager would get to use their age as an excuse for gross sexual assault. In fact I'd be insulted as a 16 year old, since I'd know it's only cool to argue over how much money it would take to get you to swallow [insert un-choice object/substance here].

  16. Ian Sawyer 1

    Manbettery?

    It wont be manbattery it will be manfattery

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gives new meaning to..

    .. battery operated boyfriend..

  18. Bugs R Us
    Paris Hilton

    Who does that?!

    I mean, who leaves a bottle of water at the office overnight and then drink from it? How can she be so trustful?

  19. LuMan
    Joke

    Maybe...

    ....he thought it was H2Ohh!

  20. Jo 5
    WTF?

    WTF??

    Im a 40 old hetero male and I do not know what semen tastes like so there. Should i be sampling my own jugo de la vida? I think not. I have far too many other things to taste first thanks very much.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Halo

    playmobil...

    or it didn't happen.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That last line

    Made me laugh. Well done. As to the crime; well that's just gross.

    1. McBeese

      Same here...

      ...Sampling the taste of semen is not on my bucket list.

      1. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
        Joke

        Seriously now...

        Have you *ever* not tasted your own stuff off some comely beauty's lips (oral or otherwise!) who had just been ministering to your needs and desires?

        Oh wait... This is El Reg isn't it... Maybe the readership here are fussy eaters.

      2. heyrick Silver badge

        Ditto

        There are many things I won't allow in my mouth: octopus tentacles, snails, olives, semen... see where I'm going with this?

    2. Bill B

      To all those males that don't know what semen tastes like

      This may be true. But it is very likely that a woman might. If you don't know why this is you need more sex education.

  23. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    WTF?? WTF??

    Jo 5 - you are clearly repressed and probably in denial. Possibly a closet homosexual. You do know it's nothing to be ashamed of in this day and age?

  25. This post has been deleted by a moderator

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      not clear?

      what should they not be embarassed about

      1) being repressed?

      3) being in the closet?

      C'mon people, if we can be accepting of people who are gay then we have to accept those who don't feel they can be.

    2. Jason Hall

      @WTF

      WTF yourself.

      I certainly have nothing against homosexuals of any flavour, but to talk such shit about someone who doesn't want to taste semen shows you as an idiot.

  26. Steven Knox
    Coat

    Shurley....

    He should have been charged with adulterating a water supply?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Hoo-haw

    I mean who hasn't done that?

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Shurley

      Or something. Certainly this would be a pretty serious breach of regulations if it happened at a bottling company.

      "Lallana's attorney is pondering an appeal on the basis no crime was committed"

      Lallana's attorney is probably the only person on the planet who is prepared to go on the record with that opinion.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @Ken

        Agreed - a crime most definitely was commited, but battery?

        Also this idiot's life has been ruined by this, and a year in prison in the US (or anywhere probably) is way too much for such a (*VERY*) stupid thing.

        Oh - and before you say it - I have never used my baby batter in such a way.

    2. asiaseen

      Or even

      committing adultery with a water supply.

  28. tommy060289
    Linux

    The internet says...

    PICS OR GTFO!!!

  29. BristolBachelor Gold badge
    Grenade

    The attorney's suggestion...

    "but to have battery, you have to have an application of force."

    Well if that's what you want, send the bloke into a dark alleyway, oh and publicise it beforehand.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      RE: The attorney's suggestion...

      There was application of force alright. It just happens that the body part that was 'forced' didn't belong to her.

      Ok, I tried not to use the word "spanked"; it sounds much less offensive, despite not too appropriate at the same time, doesn't it?

      Where is a pedantic grammar nazi when we need one?

  30. Cucumber C Face
    Coat

    But did she check her tampons?

    OK I was leaving anyway

  31. El
    Paris Hilton

    "I think about my wife..."

    If you're thinking about your wife when you get off, you might as well be doing it with your wife? Don't most men wank precisely because they DON'T want to think about their wife while getting off? Sure, he's just trying to preserve his marriage, bit I'd say run, don't walk, away from this lying wanker.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    I hope they tested the stuff

    had he been carrying any bugs, they could have still been viable. Poor girl needs to have herself tested as well.

  33. CmdrX3
    Paris Hilton

    Maybe he got confused...

    Perhaps he was looking for the sperm bank and found the bottle bank instead.

    Paris wouldn't call the police, she'd call her producer.

  34. Blubster
    Coat

    If he'd only just collected some more of his jizz

    he could have turned it into ice-cream like the recent release of titty-milk ice-cream.

    Better still, he could put a scoop of his own on two scoops of breast-milk ices and pretend he'd cum on somebody's tits.

  35. JaitcH
    Unhappy

    So next time waiter spits in someone's food ...

    as they reportedly do with nasty customers, they can get time, in California?

    And this is the state with no money, no jail space and their prison system is operating under a court order for breaching guests rights?

    At least Jerry Brown is back as governor - he's the guy who let Timothy Leary out.

  36. This post has been deleted by its author

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Yeah.....

    A bit off the deep end.....

    He should have stuck to gluing magazine pages together.

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Back in the 80's

    This is a story quite similar, but quite not amusing, nor acceptable just the same.

    I went to a party. It was 100% USAF personnel. It was off base, and it involved at least 2 kegs of beer, now the bathroom was a small little room and all of us 40+ had to use it, or go outside in the backyard/bushes.

    A female left her purse in the bathroom, Hell even I used the bathroom at one point, but don't remember seeing any bag in there, anyway, as the party went on, and several hours, she came out screaming at everyone, nothing was stolen from her bag, but .... something extra was added to it. I'm pretty sure you can figure out what I mean.

    It was total mayhem, and a lot of us left.

  39. LinuxDude
    WTF?

    It has to be done...

    I guess the victim...

    *puts on sunglasses*

    ..never saw it coming

    YEAAAHHHH!

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    He laughed his head off

    Fucking hell, there used to be a fine line between El Reg smut and 4Chan sadistic-machismo. No longer it seems, since the only slightly sensible comment on here so far is by an anonymous coward ('carrying any bugs').

    For the post-tweenagers here, the 'bugs' semen can carry, such as HIV and hepatitis, are really no laughing matter, especially when they are forced upon you without consent. This was not an outrageous prank, it was a serious assault that potentially warrants far more serious legal charges than were applied. If someone did this to anyone I know then I wouldn't press charges, I would start by popping their eyeballs and forcing them to watch them be force fed their own testes closeup. Then I would get angry.

    I think it would be equally hilarious if I tricked one of 'Team Register' into eating human excrement. Once I prank them, can I post that an article of that on the Register - or are there lines that you don't want to cross personally?

  41. json
    Pint

    let's drink to that!

    HAHAHAHA

  42. Stuart Duel
    Stop

    Oh come on...

    So there are men on here who are trying to convince us they have not tasted their own blow? Sounds like that favourite urban statistic: "95% of men masturbate and the other 5% are liars.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Oh how we laughed

      I'm with you on this one.

      - Never understood "Beadle's about"

      - Don't understand humour based on humilation

      Whether or not she was careless with her water bottle, whether or not she swallowed several times a day, she was not asking for some idiot to wank into her drink.

      I don't think holding that opinion confirms that I would ban pornography nor reintroduce hanging for anything more serious than stealing a loaf of bread.

      Whether the idiot concerned had "learning difficulties" as one commentard suggested is a different matter but I don't find it difficult to understand that the woman felt upset.

      What's the big amusement about Misogyny?

      1. Scorchio!!

        Re: Oh how we laughed

        "What's the big amusement about Misogyny?"

        It's already been observed that Reg posters would probably find it as amusing if a man were the victim. Economy of logic and deduction dictate that we don't multiply entities unnecessarily, for then we draw up legal categories that are worse than unnecessary. For example the laws on religious harassment which are legally unnecessary since existing provisions dealt with the matter adequately. Additionally, creating further categories of offender also creates new ways to attack the parent category from which the offenders are drawn, in this case men. Coote, Harman and Hewitt's diatribes point the way here:

        "It cannot be assumed that men are bound to be an asset to family life, or that the presence of fathers in families is necessarily a means to social harmony and cohesion"

        The Family Way: A New Approach to Policy Making, Anna Coote, Harriet Harman, Patricia Hewitt Social Policy Paper no. 1. Institute for Public Policy Research: London 1990 ISBN 1872452 15 9

        Please do not mistake stupidity for misogyny. Please do not multiply categories unnecessary. It leads to Coote's et al. version of Rwanda's hate radio.

      2. heyrick Silver badge

        @ AC

        Did the guy have "learning difficulties" or was he just acting like The Stifler was his role model? And, frankly, what does "learning difficulties" have that would excuse this sort of behaviour?

        I speak, by the way, as a person with "learning difficulties" (with scare quotes and all) who gets a bit pissed off when this reason is dragged out to excuse all sorts of nonsense. If he had problems reading, or writing, or adding up... fine, that's one thing. But to think doing this was okay? Come on...

    2. heyrick Silver badge

      @ Stuart Duel

      Perhaps some of us just have standards?

  43. Scorchio!!

    Hmm

    First Albuquerque, NM, now CA. I won't be surprised to hear the disease has crossed the Atlantic. When that happens I hope that the punishment is severe.

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/02/11/albuquerque_yoghurt/

  44. TRT Silver badge
    Coat

    All I can say is...

    wat ah wankah

  45. Grivas Bo Diddly Harm
    Coat

    Jail TIme, though???

    ...Or is he to be jailed under the Three Strokes Law?

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