back to article Big stink over Malawi farting ban

Officials in Malawi have locked horns over the controversial ban on farting in public. The prohibition forms part of the Local Courts Bill, due for introduction next week. The legislation has the backing of justice minister George Chaponda, who said the clampdown on unruly bowels would promote "public decency". According to …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A title has been provided and contains letters and/or digits

    "trouser cough"

    I salute you Lester.

    1. Anomalous Cowturd
      Boffin

      Don't forget boys and girls...

      that when you smell a fart, you are in fact breathing in tiny pieces of pooh.

      Think about it.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        IT Angle

        R u 7

        Isn't it funny how things we picked up in the dim recesses of childhood remain to be uttered forth in dottering adulthood. Your Mum forgot to add that your poop ought to be stuck to the inside of your underwear, but then she probably didn't like your skidmarks and wanted some small revenge.

        The stinky smell is from a group of reduced sulphur compounds generated in our guts. Similar gases are produced from kraft pulping. Here in Canada we have whole towns that smell like your bedroom thanks to Britain's demand for high quality Canadian kraft pulp and paper. So when you all smell a fart you can thank Canada for your quality of life, again.

        1. Anomalous Cowturd
          Unhappy

          Are you saying Canada smells like shit?

          Looks like I'll have to scrub that one off my list then.

          Shame. I've always wanted to go there... Never liked Kraft cheese though.

  2. Barticus
    Flame

    He who smelt it...

    ...dealt it.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    That'll be HP beans sales down

    I wonder if HP will lodge a complaint about this...

    1. Thecowking

      You surely jest?

      Everyone knows that beans, means Heinz.

      1. squilookle
        Thumb Up

        Asda Smartprice

        beans are the way forward.

        1. squilookle
          Flame

          Thumb down

          Who gave me a thumb down over Asda Smartprice beans?! They're cheap and harmless (as far as beans can be harmless, noxious gases not taken into consideration)!

          A fan of Tesco Value beans, maybe?

      2. Naughtyhorse

        i thought

        beanz meanz fartz

    2. Dr. Mouse Silver badge
      Coat

      Whoever said the rhyme...

      ... did the crime (quite literally!)

      Mine's the one with the sound-proofing and air-tight seal.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Thumb Up

        He who denied it....

        ...supplied it.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Coat

          Lady Isabella Farnsworth-Smythe

          Is hosting a dinner party with 12 distinguished guests when she inadvertently rips one out.

          to avoid blame she turns to her Butler, "Jeves, stop that at once."

          Certainly madam, which way did it go?

          .

          Thank you and goodnight.

  4. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Burden of proof?

    So you have two or more people standing on the street. A policeman walks by <sniff, sniff> looks at the people - how does he know which one to arrest?

    All I can think of is invoking the old playground rule which would mean turning himself in.

  5. This post has been deleted by its author

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Ahem, more tea Vicar?

    We're all veggie in our house, what we may lack in colour, we more than make up for by "whistling in our Y-fronts"!

    What the hell is wrong with these health-nazis? Like visiting the little person's room, coughing, breathing and eating, everyone farts. Fact of life! Some more than others, you hold that pressure back too long and I'm afraid it's gonna break out sooner or later!

  7. JDX Gold badge

    not just farts

    BO & bad breath would be under that law too, no?

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: not just farts

      I'd like some clarification as to the law on belching and vomiting.

      1. Elmer Phud Silver badge

        Also

        Some help as to whether it's O.K. to leave the small room, enter another room and advise the occupants therein that it may be prudent to avoid visiting the small room you have recently vacated until a significant amount of time has passed.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Noooo!

        They can't outlaw belching. It's the highest form of compliment to the chef. They'll upset culinary experts the world over if they try that one on.

  8. Captain Underpants
    Badgers

    Hmmm

    The wording seems geared towards punishing pollution alright, but it wouldn't surprise me (given the reported comments) to see at least some folks try to implement it as a "public decency" bill.

    Which will no doubt lead, eventually, to an interesting day in court for someone to try and prove that Aroma of Trouser Cough is intrinsically dangerous to the public health, rather than merely an unpleasant indicator of an individual's recent dietary input.

    Of course, the creepier thing would be for officials to try and claim that it wasn't a medical/biological health issue, but a "psychological" health issue....

  9. LuMan
    Joke

    Oka-a-a-a-a-y......

    "Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way shall be guilty of a misdemeanour."

    So, by that rationale, body odor, bad breath, smelly feet and Lynx deodorant are also outlawed??

    1. Naughtyhorse

      Lynx

      i think you'll find that the geneva convention has that one covered

    2. Wize

      Are they able to show their research...

      ...in the dangers of passive farting?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    <title required>

    Easy solution to aportioning the blame, just take a dog where ever you go...

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re:

      Or a scape goat.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Coughing is one thing......

    but a "trouser sneeze" is a different matter entirely.

  12. Captain TickTock
    Pint

    Business Opportunity:

    Carbon filtered pants.

    Lager please. Real Ale gives me wind.

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
      Pint

      Lager vs Real Ale

      Lager gives me wind.

      Oh wait, Is burping illegal now?

      mines a half of O.T.T.

    2. Captain TickTock
      Pint

      Specifically...

      ...in the form of charcoal. It's been a long week.

      the 2nd pint should do...

  13. Stanislaw

    The scene: a courtroom.

    Clerk of court (to defendant): You are charged with farting without due care and attention. How do you plead?

    Defendant: You get on your knees!

    (cymbal crash off-stage)

    Prosecutor (to defendant): I put it to you that whoever smelt it, dealt it!

    Defence (to Judge): Objection! It is well known that whoever said the rhyme, did the crime.

    Judge (to all & sundry): Sustained. The next person to speak is a spanner!

    ... etc

  14. Code Monkey
    Thumb Up

    Glad I'm not Malawian(?)

    Having just chowed down on a big plate of veg samosas I'm grateful to live in a country with freedom of, er, gas.

    First they came for the flatulent...

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Big Brother

    Silent but Deadly

    What about silent but deadlies?

  16. Matt Tibbitt

    That law....

    Not to be sniffed at.

    1. Code Monkey

      Deny everything!

      Deny everything!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    lets hope Malawi do make farting in public illegal

    ...then we can all laugh at them, and deservedly so.

  18. Nick Davey
    Thumb Down

    "He who

    denied it, supplied it" or even "he who articulated it, particulated it" of course there could be problems if someone let's out a silent one in a room full of people. Unless they followed through it may be tough to prove who dun it.

  19. Chrome

    Malawi: Country with the quietest politicians

    Well, they all talk out of their arses don't they?

  20. Max_Normal

    I predict a

    Forthcoming tea shortage for Malawi vicars.

  21. Anonymous John
    Flame

    How

    did El Reg anticipate the need for a "lit fart" icon?

  22. Rombizio
    FAIL

    I want to see them enforce it...

    Sometimes it is impossible to track it down.

    Besides...shit happens. Right?

    1. The Fuzzy Wotnot
      Happy

      Ooohh...

      S.H.?

      Ahhh, the deadly night-on-the-sauce-followed-by-large-doner-and-chilli follow-through!! Nasty, very nasty indeed!

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Free Speeck

    So, is farting covered by free speech? I mean, it is a means of expression.

    "Here I stand all broken hearted,

    had to .... but only farted!"

  24. Johnny Canuck
    Grenade

    This is not a title

    Dean, Dean

    Made a machine

    Joe, Joe

    Made it go

    Art, Art

    Cut a fart

    and blew the thing

    all apart

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Andrew Crossley

    could have a field-day on this one.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    gas warfare outlawed

    Thank goodness.

  27. Big Pete
    Pint

    we have a saying down this way

    It's better to fart and stink a little.

    Than to bust your arse and be a cripple.

  28. Martin Maloney
    Coat

    Are they gonna outlaw absinthe, too?

    The problem with absinthe is that it causes flatulence that sounds like the name of a Japanese car.

    That's right -- absinthe makes the fart go Honda.

    1. SirTainleyBarking
      Flame

      That sir

      Is ripe for adverse comment

      Fire it up, otherwise it'll make you vomit

  29. candtalan
    Coat

    A valuable source of renewable energy

    Vehicles might run on flatulence power?

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