back to article Man caught w*nking over Alan Sugar's autobiography

A man was caught masturbating in a public library while perusing Lord Alan Sugar's autobiography. The Sun reported that the unnamed individual was cuffed by police last Thursday at Crawley Library in West Sussex. The man, who is in his 30s, was seen behaving oddly as he browsed books in the biz section of the library. He …


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  1. lansalot

    wrong title

    Maybe he thought the book was called "Wait and see what you're gonna get" ?

    He didn't shout "You're fired!" at the crucial moment did he ?

  2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
    Dead Vulture

    "Tommy Tank"? No, J. Arthur...

    ...Rank, shirley?

    1. Kool-Aid drinker

      "Tommy Tank"?

      Where I came from we always called it a Barclay's Bank.

      1. Keith 21

        J Arthur? Tommy?

        Where I come from we call it a wank.

        but then agian, perhaps we are not so prudishly scared as the majority seem to be, and we've actually moved on from the pathetic Victorian attitude that anything even mildly related in any way to sex is strictly taboo.

        1. Martin Lyne

          @ Keith21

          It's Cockney Rhyming slang.. nothing to do with Victorian morals, more to do with Londoners wanting to confuse non-locals.

          I agree with removing ourselves of ridiculous taboos, but not of conclusion jumping.

          Look up the history of the work "berk" ;)

        2. Anonymous Coward

          It's cockney rhyming slang...

          ...referring to Suralan's Hackney roots, as you may have noticed if you'd read the article properly.

          In the same way you could be referred to as a merchant banker.

        3. Code Monkey


          And there was me thinking Jodrell, etc. were just a bit of a laugh.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Libraries have security guards how?

    What next, Guantánamo Bay for late returners?

    Good comeback from Sugar, though.

    1. LaeMing Silver badge

      Public Libraries attract wackos like a light attracts moths

      My sister works in one and while most of them are simply eccentric, at least once a month one that is dangerous enough to staff and customers to need police intervention will be in there.

    2. Major N


      Is that the format rag mags come in now... hardback... paperback... comeback....

      Mine's the one in my lap with the dodgy stains.

  4. Code Monkey

    "Piers was that you?"

    Sralan I don't like you but hats off for that one.

    1. Jim 59
      Thumb Up


      Yes the beardy one has played a blinder

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Alan Sugar's tweets...

    ...sound like 'Shit My Dad Says'

  6. Ginolard


    Pfft. Every week, Alan Sugar toys with loads of cocks on The Apprenctice and no-one bats an eyelid!

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "It was very bizarre behaviour"

    I'll say.

    Who would want to read Alan Sugar's autobiography?

    1. MinionZero

      Sounds like a good advert

      @"Who would want to read Alan Sugar's autobiography"

      If its that entertaining to read, then I guess lots of people! ;)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        A hardback you can't put down.

        "If its that entertaining to read, then I guess lots of people! ;)"

        Well maybe, but now the pages are stuck together.

    2. Joefish

      I don't know,

      but entirely co-incidentally, a second-hand car electrical goods advertising sales middle-manager from Sussex has just withdrawn their application for the next series of The Apprentice...

  8. The main man
    Thumb Down


    Thats sick. If it were a woman then i can understand but Alan Sugar?

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: eww

      You are assuming that he was getting his jollies from the book, it ain't necessarily so. One of the things one would need, if one were the sort to jack off in a public place, is something to clean up with. There's only one thing more antisocial than performing the five fingered shuffle in public and that's leaving jism all over the place afterwards.

      Name something else found in a Public Library that's a more suitable substitute for bog paper. I have to assume that the Mandelson memoir was out on loan (which would suggest an even more vile perversion is going on - someone, somewhere's reading the Mandelson book).

      1. Anonymous Coward

        You seem to know an awful lot...

        ... about this kind of behaviour.

  9. Svantevid


    "Police held the man on suspicion of outraging public decency."


    Suspicion? What, they weren't certain?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      while not condoning his behaviour

      he was indoors, and covered by a coat, spotted only because he was being followed by security after acting strangely.

      It's not like he was stood on a table waving his todger around and furiously going at it in front of the librarians face.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Assuming you are not just taking the piss

      The police can only arrest anyone "on suspicion" of committing an offense. Everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty....". At the point of arrest the gentleman has not been found guilty of any offense and as such is only under suspicion.

      1. Michael Dunn

        Innocent until proved guilty?

        I do wish people would consider what Anglo-Saxon common law really means - it is Innocent UNLESS proved guilty. The way you state it means that he's really guilty and the proof is only a matter of course!

    3. Chris Harden


      No one knows for sure if he was actually reading the book or not.

    4. Richard 116

      Do they ask anyone?

      I'm mildly concerned. I wouldn't say I'm outraged.

  10. JaitcH
    Thumb Up

    Just passing judgement on it's literary value?

    Another possible use would in the outside 'loo. As back up.

  11. Anonymous Coward

    Was he a master-bator.

    No,. he was just the apprentice.

  12. dave 81

    But Piers Moron Morgan

    Is a complete and utter turd! Everyone should be shouting, tweeting, and posting on what a c**t Piers is.

    1. Slackness
      Thumb Up

      eye for an eye

      Well Ian Hislop spends most of the eyes sheetage publishing what a cunt he is.

  13. Tigra 07 Silver badge

    I have one thing to say...

    Going to the library!

  14. LinkOfHyrule
    Paris Hilton

    Can we please have

    Can we please have a "Top ten people performing weird sex acts in public of 2010" countdown here on El Reg? Featuring stories like this from the past year. I'm not sure this will beat the bloke in sludge tank in Cornwall or the transvestite in the moat with the dog, though, but its still probably a top five contender!

    1. proto-robbie

      Oh No!

      I'm sad to have missed the Cornwall sludge-tanker; and likewise I suspect the naked Stirlingshire trampolinist has passed you by.

      I thoroughly agree with you: this has been an "Annus Horribilis" for extreme onanism and should be commemorated in some form - perhaps other readers can suggest an appropriate medium?

      1. Code Monkey

        Annus Mirabilis?

        Comedy fans might dub 2010 as an "Annus Mirabilis" instead. A top 10 with Playmobil reconstructions would round the year off wonderfully.

    2. Flugal
      Thumb Up

      Weird sex acts


      A couple of years old, but this story of a man getting his pleasure from a bicycle rather amused me:

      Then again, the pope (at least JP2, not sure about the current one) was regularly seen attempting oral sex with tarmac - inanimate objects, beware!

      1. proto-robbie

        Harsh indeed

        When it comes to breaking and entering this trick cyclist was more sinned against than sinning, Shirley? If I decided to have a thrash with my Mini Moulton in the privacy of my own room I probably wouldn't want the cleaners barging in. Have you seen the girls in Ayrshire? Or the boys for that matter?

  15. Anonymous John

    That's the problem with paper books.

    An ebook reader would only need wiping down.

    1. Rob - Denmark


      ...can you use any ebook reader, or does it have to have 'touch screen'?

  16. ShaggyDoggy

    Re: J.Arthur

    get modern mate - it's now "Jimmy Floyd"

    1. Dave Cradle

      That'd be...

      ...the 40ish year old retired footballer?

      yeah. Well modern.


  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Getting shouty with Piers Morgan on twitter is all the rage these days:

    1. Richard 116
      Thumb Up

      Enjoyed that

      Thank you!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    was it 'Stuart Baggs the Brand'? I can guess Siralan would give him the horn...

  19. Chas

    WTF? a tommy tank? Suitable rhyming slang alternatives would be J. Arthur, Jodrell, Barclays - even came across septic once, so to speak - but tommy tank?

    Shome mishtake shurely?


    1. Code Monkey

      In my day

      It was a Sherman tank

    2. Loyal Commenter Silver badge


      Septic Tank = Yank, to the extent that someone who doesn't like out transatlantic cousins may be known as 'savlon', as in antiseptic...

  20. Ian McNee


    One would have thought that he could have used the defense that he was simply emulating the author. I don't recall Alan Sugar getting nicked for being a very public w@nker. There is no justice...

  21. Anonymous Coward


    as LS says, its all a load of Bollox your giving me!

    offendee obviously thought likewise

    title says it all :)))

    there were no badgers used or seen in the making of this comment!

  22. LaeMing Silver badge

    What do you call a large crowd of people having a lively argument?

    A mass-debate.

  23. Andy Jones

    Oh dear ... these hackers!

    Quote: "An anonymous source said ..."

    I see Anonymous are involved! And the police came along and performed a Denial of Service attack!

    /Mines not the one he used. It's the clean one hanging up in the cloakroom!

  24. dssf


    Awwww. Lord, it must've been sweet, lol! Wanking over Lord Alan Sugar's autobio. Must've been a sugar-coated expose...

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    "outraging public decency"?

    This 'crime' sounds a bit medieval to me...

  26. Anonymous Coward

    Lucky it wasn't WH Smiths

    Lucky he didn't perform the act in WH Smiths.

    It would've been all over the papers.....

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I heard...

    I heard that it was a w*nk book ;)

  28. Anonymous Coward

    our security guys got a hold of him

    I'm sure they did. Let's hope they did the job properly.

  29. John Tserkezis

    This is what happens when you ban porn on the net.

    They come out of their bedrooms and have a go in bookstores.

    Like the good 'ole days before we had the interweb porn delivery system.

    At least have the decency to wipe when you're done...

  30. Public Decency


    Honestly, yeah, I'm out of sorts. But I've seen worse. That chap with the bicycle - now THAT pissed me off.

  31. Winkypop Silver badge

    Book lovers outraged!!!

    When reading this copy of Lord Alan Sugar's autobiography, readers are now forced to skip pages 23 to 26 and pages 34 and 35.....

  32. The Indomitable Gall

    Anonymous source?

    You might want to redact your quotes better...

    ""It was very bizarre behaviour and our security guys got a hold of him before too many people saw what he was doing.""

    Yes, "our security guys". Your anonymous source was... the librarian.

    1. Anonymous Coward

      "Your anonymous source was... the librarian."

      Could have been the milkman, he comes in to shag the librarian. That's why he and the fireman were there when the businessman was having a wank.

  33. Anonymous Coward

    Perhap ...

    ... He thought he could get a sugar daddy!!

    It had to be done.

  34. PhilipN Silver badge

    He was dyslexic

    A mass debater

  35. Anonymous Coward

    Tell us please

    Not having read it, are there pictures in there?

    Perhaps it was Margaret or Nick that he was fixated on?

  36. Graham Bartlett

    Always thought

    Alan Sugar was a load of old toss.

  37. Robert E A Harvey

    Don't believe a word of it

    They called the police, and they got there in less time than it takes to pull one off?


  38. Openminded Cynic

    So just to confirm

    Was he picked up by the fuzz?

  39. Red Bren

    Why is this news?

    Man cracks one off over book with a tw*t in it. Why is anyone surprised?

  40. Anonymous Coward

    did they burn the book?

    did they burn the book?

    If they weren;t willing to do it before they will definitely need to do so now.

  41. Anonymous Coward

    pity it wasn't Peter Mandelson / tony blair's book

    pity it wasn't Peter Mandelson / tony blair's book.

    Hope they burn that book because its a "bio hazard " now!

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