back to article Samoan clerics finger homosexuals over global warming

Clerics in the South Pacific have fingered the key cause of climate change - homosexuals. The revelation came at a conference at the University of the South Pacific considering the implications of Climate Change and Creativity. Academics were apparently thrown off their consideration of "Arts in the Age of Global Warming" and …

COMMENTS

This topic is closed for new posts.
  1. Pandy06269
    WTF?

    Unbelievable

    Seriously, what else are ministers going to blame on us gay people?

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Go

      What agenda?

      You should have realised years ago that we're just a scapegoat for religious nuts.

      I used to be gay but i had to give it up because it makes my eyes water.

      1. Scorchio!!

        You see?

        Watering eyes contributes to 90% of all flooding, Dog told me so!

  2. LinkOfHyrule
    FAIL

    Idiots

    What about Bi people like me though? What's my carbon footprint?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      Following ...

      ... Samoan clerical logic you would be twice as sinful and hence have double the footprint. I'm surprised the Tea Party has gotten into this - but they only hate taxes and Black people.

      Now we've unraveled the Human genome, can we find the bit that controls hateful, stupidity? Soon, please?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Pint

        Tea Party

        Actually the Tea Party only hates taxes, overly-broad laws, foreign wars, government intrusion into peoples lives, corporate cronyism, bail-outs for failing businesses and Obama. They only criticise Obama because they think he is in favour of taxes, overly broad laws, government intrusion, cronyism and bailouts. Just like Dubya was.

        But don't take my word for it. Read http://www.campaignforliberty.com/ and see for yourself.

        Or you could ignore all that and go on repeating the mantra : anyone who criticises the government is a rascist / communist / fascist / etc-ist.

        1. Tom 35 Silver badge

          Get back to Fox news

          When you see a name like "campaignforliberty" you know it's going to be a load of BS, just like the so called Moral Majority and their friends.

          They hate "corporate cronyism"? I didn't know they hated Republicans too!

          1. aelfheld
            FAIL

            So that explains

            how it is Obama received the lion's share of donations from British Petroleum among others.

        2. skeptical i
          Thumb Up

          So the Tea Party should be all for marriage equality then?

          Clearly, we don't want the gubmint telling people that they can only enter into a marriage contract with proposed spouses of a particular genital set.

          Unfortunately, I do not hear/ read this about the Tea Party (or that they would support women's rights to a full array of birth control options because women know their needs better than the various layers of gubmint -- including silly boys who don't have medical training yet insist on deciding what medical services women should and should not have -- that keep enacting obstacles to these options); I will keep looking, because this good news should be front page reading for liberty- minded folks.

          But back to our Samoan friend: perhaps he is mis- crediting the Village People with the song "Disco Inferno"? Macho, macho man ....

        3. mmiied
          Troll

          will do

          "Or you could ignore all that and go on repeating the mantra : anyone who criticises the government is a rascist / communist / fascist / etc-ist."

          why stop now we are having so much fun

    2. Number6

      Footprints

      Yours probably has toes at both ends because you can go either way...

    3. Scorchio!!

      Depends

      I think this depends on a number of things, including the angle of the dangle. Perhaps Dog will now (ahem) stand up and tell us these things, after millennia of silence.

  3. Titus Technophobe

    Unjustified blame

    It is incredible that gays are yet again getting unfairly blamed, after all everybody knows that global warming is caused by bisexuals and transgenders.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Troll

      Spread the blame around

      I don't see why adulterers, divorcees, Jews, Muslims, gypsies, the mentally disabled, re-formed 1970s and 1980s pop bands, telecommuters, daytime soap actors or people who think that high-tech air fresheners will make their sad, lonely, loveless marriages better should get a free pass.

  4. Ted Treen
    Alien

    The title

    "Samoan clerics finger homosexuals.." is somewhat misleading.

    I thought Mr Mandelson's pernicious influence had spread...

    1. Joe 3
      Happy

      Welcome to The Register!

      As you're obviously a new user, I'll let you in on a secret: the headlines are often puns or contain innuendo.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Samoan clerics finger homosexuals

      ...and measure the resultant CO2 production?

      1. Scorchio!!

        Exactly!

        Clerics clearly become hot under the collar as a part of their job, fingering homosexuals. It's a tough job, but someone must do it, in the interests of theological progress.

  5. Nathan 13

    Title

    If anything homosexuals are going to be much more green as they wont be having the 2.4 children who will go on to consume vast amounts of the earth's resources and pump out CO2 by the truck load.

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      We clean up the planet

      Technically that's right but theres still a good chance they might adopt or use surrogates.

      Basically by adopting, cleaning up the mess some stupid person gave up caring for (that's right, cleaning up rather than depleting the ozone layer or causing global warming, as we'll be blamed for next week)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Stop

      @Nathan 13

      Sorry, why don't you think gay people should be allowed to raise children?...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      i agree....

      i can see homosexuality actively encouraged as the world has more and more people who refuse to die.

      and when was the last time you saw a gay bloke driving a chelsea tractor?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Chelsea Tractors

        I think it's fairly common knowledge the Land Rover Discovery is the gayest car you can buy at the current time. Fact.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    </sneeze>

    Sorry allergic to the bullshit religions spout.

  7. sandman

    Spread the blame

    I can envisage quite a few (not suitable for a family newspaper ;-) scenarios where people of any sexuality could increase global warming. However, since our LGBT friends only make up an estimated 10% of the population they can only really be blamed for the same percentage of global warming.

    One caveat. If they all have outstanding active sex lives they will demonstrate an increased energy output. In compensation they will require an increased input of calories. This in turn will lead to further warming caused by agricultural, transport and industrial (those champagne bottles don't appear from nowhere) CO2 production. Therefore, it is theoretically possible that it really is mostly their fault!

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      Nice figures, but...

      Gays aren't the ones pumping out all the kids and leaving the world overpopulated.

      So if we're playing like that, straight people caused 99% of the global warming.

      And as far as i'm aware the guy who invented the motorcar was straight, you can have the blame for that aswell

      1. Galidron

        Interesting

        That brings me to an interesting thought. It seems that straight people are probably responsible for somewhere close to 99% of gays, as I'm sure most gays have straight parents. Would that imply then that the warming would really be because of heterosexuals?

        And religious extremists are always worried about gays negative effect on straight people.

        1. Tigra 07 Silver badge

          RE: Galidron

          Religious nuts have always used the same phrase to justify their biggotry "gay people can't have kids so they must recruit ours"

          Not only does it sound like we recruit teenagers, but it also means that we appeared from a peversion and somehow brainwash people into joining our community.

          Whereas, in actual fact biggotry usually drives us to the same areas, where we can be ourselves safely in the same places, the same clubs etc

        2. Scorchio!!

          Papal Bull?

          If you think about it for a minute, and given that much of catholic/priestly pederasty is of a homosexual nature, perhaps clerical folk are afraid of gay people for entirely different reasons to those traditionally attributed to them. I am not quite sure what the answer is, but am willing to head up a multi million pound study into the matter. Uh, whilst carefully practising barrier medicine of course.

  8. Cameron Colley

    Nonsense!

    We all know that it's a lack of Pirates that is causing global warming.

    1. oddie
      Coat

      Hmmm...

      I think I might know what might have transpired here:

      Let us for a second imagine that the church of Semoa has in their infinite wisdom decided to rid their beautiful island of the gay plague that has been sweeping their white beaches and upmarket beach resorts, upseting the locals with their massive parasoll drinks and late night dancing.

      Now, quite possibly they have reasoned from hours of carefully watched video evidence that most gays are sailors or at least very very likely to wear the uniform. Based on this they have probably either deported or put all sailors on the first boat back to san francisco.

      To keep any more sailors from arriving they will of course have had to ban all boats and ships. This means everything and everyone has to fly there, thus accelerating global warming.

      However, I can imagine that in their haste to rid their island of this plague of man on man love, they have overlooked the pirate to sailor relationship (namely that while not all sailors are pirates, all pirates are by definition sailors).

      This means that they have effectively through their queer free / no sailors island policy removed all pirates from the area and have thus left themselves open to rampant global warming.

      It is therefore not the excess but rather the lack of Gays (Pirates) that they are lamenting.

      I may have made a few logic jumps above and replaced some of the missing blocks of dinosaur DNA with stereotypes and bigotry, but you should get the general idea.

      Simples.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Unmarried priests

    I don't know about the weather, but the practice of unmarried priests is definitely caused by homosexuality.

  10. A B 3
    Thumb Up

    Nah it's vegetarians

    Do the planet a favour and eats some meat. It takes longer to digest and somehow neutralises the decomposing vegies.

    1. MonkeyBot

      2 birds, 1 stone

      Eat the vegetarians and control overpopulation at the same time.

    2. Captain Save-a-ho
      Paris Hilton

      Yeah, save the plants!

      Stupid vegans. The more plants we save and animals we kill for food, the more CO2 can be taken from the atmosphere by our super-green friends.

      Of course, Paris, who knows all about eating meat.

      1. Claus P. Nielsen
        Go

        VLF

        We at the Vegetable Liberation Front (VLF) approve of your message!

        Vegetables are sacred and should be liberated from their herbivore and omnivore oppressors at any cost!

        Farming vegetables for food is evil!!

        Join us in our next operation, where we will liberate 20000 carrots on a farm near Manchester from their fascist masters by pulling them free from the soil that currently binds them!

        Let the carrots run free like they were born to do!!!

  11. EvilGav 1

    But it's true . . .

    . . . there are more openly gay people now, therefore it's their fault we have global warming.

    Just like it's the fault of the declining number of pirates; the lack of people wearing hats and the switch from having dogs to having cats as pets.

    Why cant everyone see that ?

  12. peyton?
    Happy

    Could be a conspiracy

    Gay people do tend to flock towards toasty warm tropical regions (Rio, Miami, etc). Could be they've figured out a way to turn the whole planet into one big party central.

  13. Citizen Kaned
    FAIL

    shock news....

    deluded god freaks spout more nonsense.

    i would honestly love to see their argument in detail.

    on a side note i guess the church doesnt seem to think that underage homosexuality is a problem - since most of the churches seem to be all in favour of it. ask the head of the paedos - the pope.

    1. LaeMing Silver badge

      Their argument in detail:

      The God we created (or modified to be) in our image hates anyone not-like-us.

      Therefore anyone not-like-us is the cause of all our woes.

      QED.

      Seriously, this is how these "people" think!

  14. Jamie Kitson

    Does this mean....

    Does this mean that Andrew Orlowski doesn't believe in homosexuals?

  15. philbo

    Another WTF??? moment

    Sounds like they're producing more than enough hot air themselves.. doesn't say which "clerics", though: Priests of the Great God Thoth, or thomething thimilarly thtupid, perhaps?

    Can we have a "facepalm" icon, please?

    1. Captain Save-a-ho
      Joke

      Not so sure

      Since we were talking more hot air, I figured it had to be Jatravartid clerics spouting about the Great Green Arkleseizure. Nothing but further proof of the Coming of the Great White Handkerchief.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Makes perfect sense

    They must think gays cause global warming because they're hot.

  17. Richard Cartledge
    Thumb Up

    no way

    It's caused by the bestiality community.

    1. Scorchio!!

      I don't think so!

      Surely the bestiality community only 'love' animals that already would have existed? In order to (cough) examine the matter further I propose another multi million pound study into whether zoophiles 'borrow' animals or indeed add to the animal population - particularly bovines which, as we know, add to the sum total of atmospheric CO2 - thereby increasing CO2.

      I am not sure how this research will impact on my other proposed project, but envisage an expensive Steering Committee/QUANGO, headed up by Nu Liebour stalwarts such as Phil Woolas, whose work on population levels has been so accurate and confirmed, as we all know, and particularly the Liberal candidate for Oldham East and Saddleworth will readily testify. Um, is testifying! ;-)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Hogwash...

    ... everyone knows global warming is caused by women buying too many handbag and matching shoe sets.

    Perhaps these clerics should do the honourable thing and sacrifice themselves in an appeasement to their clearly nutty god and thus become the saviours of humanity.... maybe... long shot but you never know....

  19. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    I knew it!!!!

    Well we all know what cures Global Thingy don't we. Income tax and lashings of it!

    It seems it's not the big sky pixie thats the plank here but the eeejuts he has working for him. Sheesh!

  20. Tom 35 Silver badge

    Clerics also said

    That too much visible female skin causes earth quakes.

    Les Vegas and any place with a gay pride parade should be smoking holes in the ground by now.

  21. LaeMing Silver badge

    These clerics obviously think gays are really hot!

    Mmmm. Neet to download me some of that boy-on-boy action.

  22. Alexander Vollmer

    Coincidence

    All my gay acquaintances prefer beef to tofu, that might be the reason. Beef is one major source for greenhouse gas.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There seems to be a theme here...

    This is akin to the recent revelation by the Iranian cleric that earthquakes were being caused by girls revealing too much Bulgarian Funbag cleavage.

    1. LaeMing Silver badge

      When boosoms shaketh

      "When boosoms shaketh--

      so shaketh the Earth."

      So says the book of Lae 3:23

    2. LaeMing Silver badge

      When a man layeth wit another man

      "When a man doth layeth wit another man--

      temperatures are sure to rise."

      So sayeth the book of Lae 2:43

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round...

        So sayeth the book of Queen c.1978

  24. Morpho Devilpepper
    Coffee/keyboard

    Jesus wept...

    God, those article titles...when will I learn not to eat whilst perusing the Reg? Cough, choke, hack...

    At any rate, seems to me that religion and it's accompanying hot-air dispersal would be a more likely culprit for climate change.

  25. ClosedJar

    Oh..dear..

    I will not wonder again how come the human race has survive this long. It has to be a miracle. It just got to be a miracle or Alien meddling? Maybe they were smoking funny green stuff when their brain fell on the ground and came up with this idea. Or maybe, just maybe they are afraid to come out of the closet? I don't know, is just that I don't want to think that there are such moronic people on the face of the planet!! Well, I will stop thinking now and put on my aluminum cap. Whatever is going on I don't want to catch it. : - )

  26. Scorchio!!

    If anything

    If anything homosexuality is likely to be correlated with a decline in 'warming' (scientifically it is more accurate to speak of climate change). Why? Because homosexuals are less likely to make that product most associated with climate change; more people. That must be why Brighton is such a cold place. ;-)

  27. Aussie Brusader
    Thumb Up

    I find these types of arguments useful

    I know that I can completely ignore any else the person says as they have no idea of what's happening.

  28. John Savard Silver badge

    Volcanoes

    I thought that gay people cause volcanoes and lascivious women cause earthquakes, but global warming is still caused by burning fossil fuels - after all, doesn't the Bible have something to say about proper stewardship of our planet, not just sins of the flesh?

  29. Winkypop Silver badge
    FAIL

    Extraordinary claims....

    ....require extraordinary proof.

    Over to you god-botherers.

    1. Scorchio!!

      Consultations follow

      They're now busily speaking with their invisible friend in the corner. This might take a few aeons.

  30. Ashley Stevens

    Pirates, not homos

    This is obviously rubbish, everyone knows that lack of pirates cause global warming. It's proven, there's a statistical correlation, so it must be true! ;-)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:PiratesVsTemp_English.jpg

  31. WukWuk

    Clerics, Climate, & Homosexuals

    OK, sure these clerics are acting stupid and simply voicing their antipathy for homosexuals.

    But, they are also demonstrating that they have no clue about the global warming scam and should not be assigning blame arbitrarily.

    "Details of exactly how the ministers think homosexuals are pumping more CO2 into the atmosphere, thereby trapping heat around the planet, driving up the average temperature and causing massive economic and environmental dislocation are scant."

    The phrase "trapping heat around the planet, driving up the average temperature and causing massive economic and environmental dislocation are scant" simply is not true and not happening; they are showing their total ignorance of the real situation.

    Heat cannot be trapped by a trace gas.

    There has been absolutely no massive economic losses.

    There has been no environmental dislocation. No increased storms, droughts, hurricane, fires, or tornadoes. No unusual changes in sea level. No ocean acidification. No problems with the Arctic ice or the burgeoning polar bear population. No species extinctions. All dire predictions are derived from non-scientific computer prognostication which makes roulette wheel look better at prophecy.

    Every claim of the warmist faction can be explained by other effects, natural or from mismanagement by man unrelated to CO2. One reason why this holds so true is that we have not warmed since 1995 and have been cooling since 2002, more rapidly since 2006.

    None of their claims of the effects of warming can be true as we are cooling. It's fait accompli!

  32. aryx

    Typical medieval attitude

    South Pacific churches are basically medieval in their views and their ministers are notorious for taking all the money they can from their impoverished parishioners. The ministers are totally removed from everyday life and should be ignored as the sad pathetic hypocrites they are.

This topic is closed for new posts.

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019