back to article Fanbois love sex toys: Official

UK smut accessorymonger LoveHoney (NSFW) has confirmed what the fanbois out there knew all along: when they're not polishing their iPads, worshippers at the altar of Jobs are likely to be lovingly fondling other toys, with explosive results. LoveHoney deployed Google Analytics to demonstrate that "iPad users have the highest …

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  1. Code Monkey

    Shafted

    Getting shafted by Apple obviously isn't enough for them

  2. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Dare I suggest that...

    ...Apple users spend more on sex toys because Apple users have more disposable income?

    AC to avoid the wrath of the fanboi brigade.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Really?

    Only ~£59????

    Wifey and I usually spend well over £80 when we increase our collection of stuff. Neither of us own any iThingies (apart from an adult, non apple iToy!).

    Could it be that we have the extra money to spend cos we have blown our load on an iTampon?

    Mind you, guess it could just be us.

    Mines the one with the fixings for a swing in the pocket

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Linux users shop elsewhere

    Their unusual/eclectic/sado-masochistic tendencies force them to places like stockroom.com and marquis.de ;)

  5. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Ranking

    > Linux users rank in the sex toy league table

    They have a whole swarm available.. All of them free. None of them documented. Installation requires a long courtship that involves arcane commands and rituals. They have user interfaces as ugly as T***e *h**y on a bad day and require constant maintenance. But worst of all, none of them do what people actually want. Since the authors could not decide what the things should do, (having exactly zero real-world experience between them) they dropped in every single possible option their hours spent watching movies gave them, but with no sensible defaults.

    Finally they gave their toys cutesy but wholly uninformative names, that no business person could ever put on a purchase order without losing all their credibility, and which change with each new release (that is almost identical to the one before, but oddly incompatible with it) and then sat around wondering why nobody wanted to use them.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Linux users

    Are too busy configuring their machines to do anything else so rank bottom.

  7. P.Nutt
    Paris Hilton

    Damm So its the phone!!!!!

    And here was me thinking I had done something to deserver all the treats she bought for us to try out.

    Paris......lets face it.

  8. Kieran 2

    Duh

    So early adopters of high-cost devices also spend more money than the average user on other stuff?

    You guys really will print any press release with a funny slant.

    1. Doug Glass
      Go

      Maybe, Maybe Not

      But if they do it's for a variety of reasons not the least of which are: mommy provides a large allowance, they have a better paying job, or maybe because they have nobody other than themselves to spend it on.

    2. Doug Glass
      Go

      "Configuring Their Machines"

      Is that what they call it nowdays? Why does the term "wanker" come to mind? And how many times do they have to configure/reconfigure to get it right?

      1. Marcus Aurelius
        Joke

        Not forgetting

        Living in your parents basement gives you more disposable income

        1. splodge
          Grenade

          The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

          Only if they let you out to work

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          eh?

          I think you've got them mixed up with Android fanbois.

      2. hplasm Silver badge
        FAIL

        wanker?

        No, windows users were already mentioned.

      3. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD

        Don't be daft...

        You "configure" "the machine" every time you feel you want to. At least you don't have some dozy bunch of twits in Redmond or Cupertino dictating to you how it must be done.

        Getting it "right" isn't the point, sometimes.

        What is "right" anyways?

        Getting it exactly (or close to) the way you want it one day and finding out the next day you want it the other way and having the capability to change?

        The journey is the reward. (Wow, I wonder who has a book with that title...)

    3. Ian Bush

      Linux Toys

      I wanted to mention "The Gimp."

      That is all.

    4. Gene Poole
      Happy

      Sod the title

      My wife and I use Macs at home, and I have an iPhone. We also have a very happy marriage, due in no small part to not having to spend our lives installing Windoze updates and fighting recalcitrant PCs. Maybe we have more time to spend playing with our toys than others?

      1. Ted Treen
        Happy

        Maybe so, but...

        ...it appears that the Reg staff - or at least the esteemed Mr Haines - is not only very conversant with "smut accessorymonger(s)", but also smut accessories; at least in sufficient detail to select and propose specific items...

        I knew the anti-Apple invective of the BallmerJugend would make them go blind/hair fall out (or at least stop being curly). or maybe their fingers will be permanently stuck to the keyboard...

    5. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
      Linux

      Linux?

      who | grep -i blondie | talk; gawk; nice; date; cd ~; wine; talk; grep; touch; unzip; touch; strip; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; fsck; gasp; umount; make clean; make mrproper; sleep

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    HAHAHAHA

    HAHAHAHA proof if it were needed that fanbois are all wankers HAHAHAHA LOOK I DUN A FUNNY

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: HAHAHAHA

      Heh.

      I'd offer you a bun, Dave, but I fear you would wait until it went stale and then bludgeon a horse to death with it.

      1. Rob
        Coat

        I'll have it...

        ... never one to see a good cake/bun product go to waste.

        Stick it in the pocket on my way out, cheers.

      2. Peter Gathercole Silver badge
        Joke

        Ahhhhh

        So we know this AC is called Dave. Sarah, you're guilty of leaking information! Quick, phone the Data Protection Registrar.

        I think we often forget that the moderators can see the real usernames (and mail addresses) of all of the contributors. So much power for blackmail.......

        Damn, think I've just shot myself in the foot. Quick, what past comments have I made as an AC?

    2. J 3
      Happy

      Ha!

      When I made this same bad joke the other day here (on the comments for the news piece about Digital Playground), it got rejected by a moderator. I guess that one fell in the hands of a fanboi moderator...

  10. Gordon is not a Moron
    Flame

    So it's offical then

    Appletards are a bunch of tossers.

    Well some had to say it.

  11. Richard 120
    Coffee/keyboard

    ROFL

    New keyboard now please

  12. nixmix

    well since they have...

    taken it up the khyber from Steve Jobs why stop there!

  13. S.G.
    Heart

    I wonder...

    This has of course nothing to do with the fact that Apple buyers have more disposable income to buy toys.

    Linux users know very well that similar results can be obtained for free.

    Windows user being either confused or forced to use such thing.

  14. dr_forrester

    Try again...

    "LoveHoney director Richard Longhurst opined: 'Apple users might spend more than Windows users because they’re sexually more confident and are more adventurous in the bedroom.'"

    Or perhaps, given the relative prices of Apple and non-Apple computers and devices, perhaps they have (on average) more disposable income. That theory seems far more defensible to me, what do you all think?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So that confirms it

    Apple fanbois are a bunch of wankers.

  16. Lis 0r
    Troll

    None!

    Linux users don't masturbate, since the emissions constitute a closed binary distribution while the sources remain unavailable.

  17. Lionel Baden

    ermm

    Apple users might spend more than Windows users because they’re sexually more confident and are more adventurous in the bedroom.

    Or cause they're used to getting shafted ????

    1. Doug Glass
      Go

      PCinteruptus

      Blue Screen of Death for the sexually frustrated.

    2. Doug Glass
      Go

      Sexually More Confident

      You don't think so just ask them. But look for that decades-old condom imprint in each of their wallets.

    3. hplasm Silver badge
      Linux

      unless...

      the DNA is released (!) under the GPL- close your eyes and think of RMS

    4. JEDIDIAH
      Linux

      Secret Diaries and such...

      >> Apple users might spend more than Windows users

      >> because they’re sexually more confident and are more

      >> adventurous in the bedroom.

      >

      > Or cause they're used to getting shafted ????

      >

      ...or they're just really used to "paying for it".

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Re: Linux users

    Easy explanation: Linux users are known for seeking the free alternative.

    Hands are free. Toys cost money!

  19. Linker3000
    Joke

    Surely not

    Far be it for me to suggest that the real reason is because when it comes to product purchases, Apple fanbois are far more likely to automatically bend over and take whatever's offered.

    ;-)

    /Joke alert icon just edges Paris out of the way.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    But what if?

    I prefer to threeway between Linux, Mac and Windows?

  21. Trevor 3
    Joke

    Linux users

    Get all their toys for free.

  22. Giddy Kipper
    Thumb Up

    Now *that* ...

    ... made me laugh out loud. I almost had a little toilet moment.

    There are so many replies bursting out of my head at the moment that I shall have to sit in a darkened room to collect my thoughts and then I may manage to post something of (dubious) value.

    Anal ytics - gotta love 'em.

  23. This post has been deleted by its author

  24. tumbleworld
    Paris Hilton

    Cashtastic

    Surely iPad purchasers have already proven that have lots of money lying around spare to spend on, ah, fruity gadgets? :)

  25. Shady
    Jobs Horns

    What this proves....

    Is that a knob who has got £600 to spend on a fondle slab also has surplus money to splash out on (excuse me) solo masturbatory devices.

    So in my mind at least, iPad owners are even bigger wankers than I thought they were.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    a

    Or more likely it's that Mac users will always go for a higher priced (but identical) item because they buy stuff to look good rather than for functionality. I bet they are all buying FCUK branded condoms and the like :P

  27. Jon Double Nice

    Linux users

    buy inflatable beards, Shirley?

  28. Richard 81

    Umm noooooo

    Surely it means Mac users have more disposable in... Oh, someone said that already.

    Hah, I guess fabois are all a bunch of wa... buggerit.

  29. Gridwalker
    Alert

    Well ...

    As a Linux user, the bag of kink besides my bed is a testimony to the fact that open source software users neither feel the need to use brand name products or the need to spend vast amounts on equipment when there are many common (and uncommon) items that perform the same function as well as (or better than) the kind of gear that the lazy or unimaginative would resort to buying.

    1. Oliver Mayes

      Same here

      Win 7 on home pc, Ubuntu on work pc, iPhone (3Gs, I'm not too far gone yet) in pocket. Or... Windows in the bedroom, Linux in the office and Apple when out in public.

      1. hplasm Silver badge
        Pint

        hmm- may I suggest

        Curtains in the bedroom?

  30. Velv Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Bored?

    Perhaps it's because iPad and iPhone owners become very bored with their toys very quickly and are immediately looking to upgrade to the latest and greatest "new" thing out there.

    Just remember iTunes will have trawlled your every move, and don't be surprised if iAd starts serving up some, err, (in)appropriate ads shortly :)

    1. Code Monkey

      iRampant iRabbit 4.0

      Be careful how you hold it as it may not work as well.

  31. Lionel Baden
    Thumb Up

    OMG !!

    This Thread is so full of LOL !!!!

  32. Thomas 4
    Boffin

    More detail required

    Before assigning a place for Linux, more info is needed on the exact type of sex toy each user is buying. Apple users I'm guessing buy something flashy that causes them to finish in seconds, Windows users buy something dull and routine in an attempt to liven things up but ultimately results in failure and I'm guessing Linux users are a bunch of freaking perverts.

    1. Michael 28
      Coffee/keyboard

      Can we have a "shocked" icon?

      ....how did you KNOW??????

  33. The old man from scene 24

    "iPad users whip Windows lusers"

    Did anyone else read "Windows lusters"?

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    interesting

    one could infer from this iPad owners are all show no substance and need the aid of toys to satisfy their partners...

    *raises pinky and wiggles it*

  35. LinkOfHyrule

    Sex toys

    Apple sex toy - it's shiny, made of glass, and just works.

    Microsoft sex toy - very popular hence its likelihood to infect you.

    Linux Open-Source sex toy - a carrot.

    1. Gene Poole
      Happy

      Um, no,

      Linux Open-Source sex toy - a kitchen roll tube and lots of spit.

  36. Richard Scratcher
    Jobs Halo

    Shirley it's the fan-girls

    The article links to a male sex toy (describe as the world's greatest male masturbator - I beg to differ) and implies that it's the men who are buying all the sex toys. But most of the sex toys I've ever seen advertised in magazines (New Scientist, The Radio Times, The Big Issue, etc.) are for women.

    Now it's obvious why a woman would choose Apple products, they're so user friendly (the products, not the women). QED.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    no flashing

    well, with no access to flash pr0n, they have to buy more toys to gratify themselves ;)

  38. nobby
    Black Helicopters

    dare I be sensible?

    And say that maybe most people would rather purchase said items from a browser on a hand-held device than their PC at work...

    You mean you don't buy them at work? You buy them at home? But the missus would find out!

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    lilac

    Hi to all lilac shit wearing HTC bearing Scotsmen

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    now that reminds me of

    an old joke,

    A well off couple were arguing about money

    Him, if you weren't so lousy in the kitchen we wouldn't need a cook.

    Her, yeah, well if you weren't so lousy in the bedroom we would need to employ a gardener.

    So now we know how fanbois entertain their wives.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    here's a twist

    its an assumption that the monies spent on the site are for toys.

    seeing as a lot of internet gr0t is flash based vid files, could these fanbois be actually buying pr0n dvd's?

    set sail for fail.

  42. chr0m4t1c
    Coat

    How do they know

    That it's fanbois and not fangurls?

    I'm sure I've seen one or two documentaries about how fangurls like toys.

    At least, I think they were documentaries...

  43. Mike Dyne
    Thumb Up

    Apple users...

    ...spend more on sex toys because they're just shit in bed without them. ;)

    1. Code Monkey

      Lilac shit?

      I don't understand that at all. That makes me glad to be an English HTC-owner.

    2. Gene Poole

      Probably not...

      ...as one can view Flash movies perfectly well on a Mac, and I suspect that a high percentage of iPhone/iPad users also own a Mac. Of course, if an iPad user wants to view their pr0n whilst out and about that's another matter, since the current generation of iPads appear not to list DVD playback among their capabilities..

  44. M Gale
    Badgers

    Linux users

    ..have "man mount". Even the ones that don't are far too busy with real fscking to bother with toys.

    Written on my Umbongo Laptop. Badgers because.. well.. if you need that explaining then you're beyond my help, sonny.

  45. Not Installed Properly

    No no no no...

    Apple users are just more likely to mistake this item, http://tinyurl.com/62yfoo, the Jessica 2.0 as a insulating/holding device used to prevent iphone 4 signal dropoff....

  46. The Vociferous Time Waster
    FAIL

    Let the bragging begin

    People who spell 'naughty' as 'nortie' are now going to spend a good long time bragging about how them and 'wifey' spend loads on all sorts of nobbly things to spice up their depressing suburban sex lives. These are likely to be the same people who think their 'alternative' lifestyle is a good substitute for an interesting one.

    It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that I don't care. If your sex life is so fantastic then why do you feel the need to tell everyone about it? One feels you protest too much.

  47. nsld
    Paris Hilton

    So that explains

    why the fanboi have chipped teeth !

    Paris for obvious reasons

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Linux + Google Analytics = ?

    I suspect most Linux users have never seen the point of allowing Google Analytics to save cookies, and that most have never NoScript whitelisted it.

    I've bought plenty of stuff from Lovehoney, using Linux every time - unless they log user agents, I doubt they know which OS I'm on.

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    As a linux user

    I am able to able to change my 'distro' - I've got the same old equipment I can just choose what I want to put on it (fortunately not too many problems with compatability) and stay with it until I want to experiment with another version. ( NO, NOT Mandriva).

    No need to shell out on 'apps' - life's interesting enough.

    And there's no way I'd let my todger anywhere near the 'one flap mastubator'.

  50. I Like Heckling

    What was that?

    Sorry.. I've been to busy having sex to take any notice of ta intaweb or any silly little gadgets that aren't gonna enhance my love life more.. I can barely keep up with it in this heat as it is. :)

    Perhaps apple users have all that extra time on their hands to shop for such items because they're 'not' getting any... or perhaps they simply like to go fuck themselves... they already like getting fucked by apple anyway.

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Hey hey!

    Why are you non-Apple owners getting jealous that the geeks with the flashy toys are "getting some" and you ain't?

    Either that or we're a complete bunch of wan...nevermind!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Flame

      Well Duh!

      Us non-apple owners are enjoying real sex with real people. We don't need no stinking flashy fan boi toys.

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    iPad v Windows?

    What?

    Did you know magma is better than the space shuttle?

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    nah, this is simple..

    The MS brigade (myself inc) simply skewed the poll results to show what we've known all along. Mac fanbios (and Macgilrs) TRUELY are wankers!

    1. Gene Poole
      Headmaster

      Oh dear...

      Look, if you're going to make fun of Mac users, at least spell their collective nouns correctly. I'll forgive the misspelling of 'truly' because it's a long word for a MS user :)

  54. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Hurry up extinction

    So, the fanbois love sex toys. With any luck they will go extinct while the rest of us continue to reproduce with real people.

    This would be a GOOD thing would it not?

    A very good thing indeed.

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