back to article Primate-phobic Brit attacked by crab-eating Macaques

A Peterborough woman's plan to confront her lifelong fear of primates went seriously titsup when she was set upon by a pack of crab-eating macaques, the Daily Mail reports. Dee Darwell, 56, had apparently taken a strong dislike to our cousins as a result of her dad raising a "positively evil" chimpanzee. In an attempt to the …

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  1. Lamont Cranston
    FAIL

    A lot of monkeys in Peterborough, are there?

    No, thought not. Then why the need to confront this particular fear?

    And, if so, why not just head to the nearest zoo, where the monkeys would be caged - would probably be sufficient exposure to confront (or safely flee from) her fear.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    How f**king stupid are these people?!

    You have a genuine phobia of the sods so you go and find a semi-wild bunch of 'em on the other side of the world then complain when they attack you? FFS!

    Why not go along to a local zoo or animal sanctuary in your area and get used to them in a nice gentle environment, where you can be assured they will be quite docile?!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      peterborough ?

      Even less in Hartlepool

    2. Anonymous John
      Coat

      Actually,

      I saw some primates near Peterborough Cathedral a few years ago.

    3. Gene Poole

      Peterborough

      The place is full of primates from the lower echelons of the evolutionary tree. They hang around Cathedral Square, pestering everyone for money/fags/food/whatever.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How long before the legal action?

    "I wouldn't have got off that bloody boat if the tour guide would have said at all that there was any danger, any risk, even the slightest risk. I would not have gotten off that boat."

    There speaks a woman who is planning to sue. Judging by the size of the bandage all she got was a couple of bites. Had she been savaged she wouldn't look so damned healthy in the photograph. But really, you visit an island that's actually named after its wild inhabitants and act all surprised when they act like wild animals? Fucktard.

    IMHO she deserved all she got and more for using the word "gotten".

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "gotten"

      Also note the "would have said". The quotation appears not to be written in British English, despite allegedly coming from a "British woman".

      Journalists do tend to invent quotations. I expect that quotation was invented by a US journalist.

      Anyway, do I want to go on holiday there? Phuket!

  4. NightFox
    Happy

    Help

    I read stories like this and worry that my schadenfreude is becoming unmanageable.

  5. Arkasha
    Paris Hilton

    Crab-Eating Macaques Cause Cancer!

    and quite possibly rabies too said The Daily Mail today.

    As the other people above have said, what was this woman thinking? Speaking from experience, wild monkeys are little sods and will attack anything if they think they can get food or if they feel threatened and have sufficient back-up.

    1. seanj
      Joke

      But quite seriously...

      "Crab-Eating Macaques Cause Cancer! and quite possibly rabies too said The Daily Mail today."

      Did it happen to mention what effect will this have on house prices?

      1. Rod MacLean
        Joke

        RE: But quite seriously...

        They didn't mention the house prices but they estimate that a native with a monkey-bite can be replaced by 4 or 5 immigrant workers.

  6. Andy Jones
    Coat

    Her fault

    It was probably her fault. If she had stopped monkeying around they would have left her alone!

    /Mines the one with the bananas in the pocket!

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Her fault

      AHAHAAHAHAAHAAAHAH.

      1. The Original Ash

        Re: re: Her fault

        Slow day, Ms Bee?

        Might I recommend a break to a small Thai coastline...?

  7. C-Sick

    Silly monkeys

    Don't they know that people don't have crabs in their arms? She's lucky they aren't well-informed...

  8. Ian Ferguson
    Happy

    Thailand's Monkey Island?

    These monkeys weren't green and foaming at the mouth, enraged due to the Voodoo Pox of LeChuck, by any chance?

    1. Doshu
      Happy

      Well.....

      ... maybe not in their ARMS, exactly.

      Guess the monkeys smelled crabs, but looked in the wrong spot.

  9. TheRobster Silver badge
    Coat

    title

    So that's The Secret of Monkey Island - don't tease the monkeys.

    Or possibly that's The Curse of Monkey Island.

    I'm glad she managed to Escape From Monkey Island.

    Maybe she could sign a book deal, called Tales of Monkey Island, perhaps?

    Mines the one with the photo of a Three-Headed Monkey in the pocket.

    1. The Indomitable Gall

      And the monkey said...

      "That woman fought like a dairy farmer."

  10. peyton?
    Coat

    Obviously she's never seen Apocalypse Now

    Never get out of the boat.

    Absolutely goddamn right.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Especially

      with a crab tattoo on your arm.

  11. Huntsman
    Happy

    Serves her right

    The stupid bint is scared of monkeys, so goes to an island populated by monkeys. She is then bitten by, wait for it, monkeys! Holy shit, who'd have thunk it.

    I laughed so hard at the beginning of the story, I nearly macaqued my underpants! Stories like this are a ba-boon to El Reg, I love 'em.

  12. The Fixer
    Troll

    You've got to wonder about some people?

    Aversion therapy does work but only in a controlled way, this is like throwing yourself a tall building to cure your fear of heights, which it will; permanently. But what is so special about crab-eating macaques are they in some way more horrifying than non-crab eating macaques. I think we should be told.

  13. andy gibson

    Her dad's evil monkey

    Maybe it wasn't really evil but struggling to come to terms with his monkey wife having an affair?

    /familyguy_evil_monkey_in_chris_griffin's_wardrobe

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I wouldn't have got off that bloody boat

    No, no, no, the boat was only bloody when you got back on :-)

    1. ravenviz
      Coat

      Re: You've got to wonder about some people?

      Maybe she smelled like crabs. Or had them.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Job Done

    If a phobia is an unreasonable fear, then her phobia is cured! Good news. She now has very reasonable fear of monkeys.

  16. Hugh Jorgen
    Coat

    Just remember......

    That's how Braindead started..... the rats got(ten) off the boat, and raped all the little tree monkeys.

    Mines the one with terrible Aussie splatter movies in the pocket.

    1. Ministry of Truth
      Coffee/keyboard

      I don't know what you've got in that cellar, boy...

      ...but I want it decently buried!

      Nuff said

  17. DT

    Is that a banana in your pocket?

    If she thought they were harmless, why was she scared? Can't have it both ways.

    If she knew chimps could be "evil"* couldn't she extrapolate to monkeys being vicious?

    *presumably it resided in her brother's wardrobe as is diaffected simians' wont.

    Also, is it just me, or does Danni Minogue look like the navigator skull whenever she smiles?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Positively evil ?

    sings..... Evil evil monkey !!!! /family guy

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Linux

    Maybe it is a pheromone thing

    One whiff and monkeys can't resist tasting her sweet, sweet human flesh.

    1. TheRobster Silver badge

      The title is required, and must contain letters and/or digits.

      "Also, is it just me, or does Danni Minogue look like the navigator skull whenever she smiles?"

      Can't say I noticed it on her, but Cheryl Cole certainly does!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re:

      "If she thought they were harmless, why was she scared? Can't have it both ways."

      Plenty of people are scared of harmless spiders, don't you know?

      It's not logical, it's emotional.

  20. Stone Fox
    Thumb Up

    title

    Never get off the boat!

  21. Hugh Jorgen
    Paris Hilton

    Almost forgot to ask....

    why didn't she just spank the monkey? I mean, really hard, fast and furious? My hand would have been a blur.....

    ........as usual.

    Paris, as if you have to wonder....

    1. Huntsman

      But Hugh,

      this was Monkey Island remember; in this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us.

      Damn you, you damn dirty apes, damn yous all to hell.

  22. karl 15
    Joke

    come on eileen

    Was she spanking the Monkey before it bit her?

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Insel Affen

    Its Friday. Ok? I just can't think of anything else but island apes, beer and worrying if its going to rain while I'm on the way home.

    /coat

  24. zizzer

    She should stay in...

    ...and watch more films. She might have been spared her monkeygeddon experience:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3jak1wfO40

  25. Nebulo
    WTF?

    Errr ...

    Humans are primates. This phobia sounds like a serious problem for a human to have!

  26. Tom 38 Silver badge

    @Hugh Jorgen

    Surely you mean 'New Zealand splatter movies'

    /me revs the lawn mower

    1. Hugh Jorgen
      Troll

      oh?

      it's the same thing isn't it?

  27. Ze Stuart

    Zombie monkies

    Clearly. Unfortunately no brain detected in proposed host for consumption, arm substituted.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    It'd eaten all me fags man.

    A big pack of duty free. So I hoyed it in the sea. Didn't go straight in like, bounced off a rock first.

  29. Mike Brown
    Pirate

    maybe monkeys just hate her

    Maybe her dads chimp wasnt evil, maybe she is just hated by monkeys?

  30. Rick Brasche
    Coat

    you don't always have to face and defeat every fear and phobia

    sometimes, you just gotta say, "Phuket!"

  31. Triggerfish

    RE: How long before the legal action?

    Probably forever. If you walk along the pavement in Thailand and fall down a hole, they'd be more likely to ask you why you weren't looking were you were going than worry about being sued.

  32. Adam T
    Pint

    haha

    nothing else to say, except my ribs hurt :)

  33. Adam T
    Happy

    one last thing...

    At least her phobia is cured now, replaced with a rational fear.

  34. heyrick Silver badge
    WTF?

    WTF? I mean, really, WTF?

    She's scared of monkeys. I kinda get that, I don't have an issue with monkeys but that one on Friends seemed to be a bit creepy so I can see why people can be scared of them. Not to mention being like little pre-humans, giving all those nice religious people a serious Darwin moment.

    But really... She lives in England. Hardly a place full of wild monkeys. Hardly a phobia that needs to be confronted. What was she doing taking her monkey phobia to an island full of wild friggin' monkeys? And, um... Thailand...? Right now? Was she wearing a red shirt?

    1. Rattus Rattus

      That monkey on Friends?

      Do you mean Matthew Perry?

  35. Winkypop Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Funky Gibbon

    We're the Goodies,

    How do you do?

    We've just been down to the zoo.

    Saw a monkey in a cage doin' a dance that could be the rage.

    It's not hard, so let's all do

    the Funky Gibbon!

    Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

  36. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    Here we come....

    Walking down the beach

    We get the funniest screams from

    Each tourist we eat.

    Hey hey we're the Monkees!

  37. David Simpson 1
    FAIL

    Spider Island

    I'm not keen on spiders and having a functioning brain I realise a holiday to Spider Island would certainly not help my fear.

    Tame chimps like most animals can go very crazy being raised indoors by humans, and since a monkey is something most people rarely meet why on earth was she trying to cure her phobia ?

    IT ISN'T A PHOBIA IF A MAD CHIMP USED TO ATTACK YOU ALL THE TIME ! She should have just tried hosting a tea party.

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Seafood

    The lady must've had a seafood platter crawling over her to attract such heavy munching! Cue AC-DC Ballroom song.

  39. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    @David Simpson 1

    "I'm not keen on spiders and having a functioning brain I realise a holiday to Spider Island would certainly not help my fear."

    Actually, it might - it's a technique called "flooding", basically the opposite of desensitisation. Rather than "Here's a piece of paper with the word spider on it, now here's a drawing of a spider, here's a photo of a spider, a small dead spider in a box, a live spider in a box, a live spider on my hand" it goes "Could you just take a seat in the next room? WHICH IS FULL OF SPIDERS!" See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flooding_(psychology)

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