back to article Want nips like church coat pegs? Click here

Here's something practical for those women who want to make a point or two, but aren't up-front enough to do it naturally - the eye-catching Body Perks Nipple Enhancers: Body Perks Nipple Enhancers Apparently, "the natural look is back" and "nipples are in", according to the blurb down at Selfridge's e-commerce tentacle. In …

COMMENTS

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  1. Subtilior

    Expensive Rubbish

    Why can't they buy a netbook instead?

  2. Alien Doctor 1.1
    Happy

    Tittle goes here

    Anyone seen my socket set?

  3. Shady
    Pint

    Do they come....

    ...in a moob version? I'd like some please!

    1. Ben Rosenthal

      moob version

      just going to plait a couple of those into my nipple hair tbh

  4. Rob
    Alert

    Spares

    They look like they'd work as good spare nipples for our tommee tippee bottles (probably cheaper too) on the flip side, don't buy these and use a tommee tippee nipple in the safe knowledge that your breasts won't get colic.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    <Pyoing!>

    I think more research is required. I mean, how do they affix?

    ITWSBT.

    R.

  6. Alan 6
    Happy

    Advert

    Perhaps an advert for these could use The Happy Song by Shane MacGowan's old group The Nipple Erectors...

  7. Colin Guthrie
    Thumb Up

    Don't you mean that "nipples are *back* in"?

    http://poorlydressed.com/2010/05/06/fashion-fail-different-times-the-70s/

  8. Bob H
    Thumb Down

    Huh?

    Nothing new here, been around for years.

    Meh.

  9. Rob Crawford
    WTF?

    Why oh why

    Jesus you could have somebody eye out with those

  10. Jonathan Walsh
    IT Angle

    Why?

    Why are coat pegs in Church considered to be different than any other coat peg?

    1. Code Monkey

      Wet donkey jacket

      If it's something generic you want, try "you could hang a wet donkey jacket on them".

    2. Havin_it
      Boffin

      Indeed

      The version I've heard in the past was "chapel hat-pegs", which made a weird sort of sense: being in the chapel, you'd assume they were designed to securely hold a wimple, or perhaps even a visiting Archbishop's big pointy job, which are among your taller examples of millinery.

      Er, did I over-think that?

  11. Jimmy Floyd
    Paris Hilton

    Careful, love...

    ...you could have someone's eye out with those.

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Careful, love...

      This place is such a hotbed of original wit.

      1. Professor Tinklepants
        Happy

        I agree....

        .....and we should definately nip it in the bud.....

      2. Dave Cradle

        You were expecting?

        It's an article about the female chest area. You were expecting originality? Wit? Satirical observation?

        To be honest, I only visited the comments page to see what your take on the posts would be :-)

        1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

          Re: You were expecting?

          I have no take at all. I am takeless.

          The only thing is that it was Miranda who sported a pair of these, not Samantha. Hey ho.

          1. TheRobster Silver badge

            @ Sarah

            So, while Lester watches Sex and the City, it's not for the plot?

            I'm shocked.

          2. El
            Paris Hilton

            Hey ho

            Shouldn't that be, "Hey, ho!"... which is how any woman actually wearing these should expect to be greeted.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        Careful, fellow commentards...

        ...you could have someone's eye out on Ms Bee's disdain.

  12. The Indomitable Gall

    So are these designed...

    Are these aimed at people going au natural but without natural pointiness, or are they designed to go on top of bras and reinstate lost nipplage while allowing for extra support and shaping?

    I know, I've thought about this too much, but it's Friday and my most trusted source of news is talking about lady-bumps.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    *That* pointed is "natural"?

    Crikey... the woman in the picture could have your eye out with those.

  14. Andrew Bush
    Coat

    Bond

    Reading this made me think of Scaramanga! In fact, with these, you could even go for the 'sow look' and have a whole battery of nipples...

  15. Steven Raith
    Thumb Up

    Npples are back in?

    This is the best news I have heard all year.

    Steven R

  16. ravenviz
    Troll

    Pink and brown

    I actually am a student in the subject and 'pink and brown' means something quite different. Brown is a lot more expensive too!

  17. TimBiller

    Idiots

    The phrase is " .... like CHAPEL hat pegs." Churches have hooks, not pegs. I ask you, honestly!

    Tim

  18. Anonymouse 1
    FAIL

    eh, what..?

    How can it be "the natural look" if you're sticking a set of false nipples to your body?

  19. Narlaquin
    Coat

    Church Coat Pegs?

    Surely "Chapel Hat Pegs"? Church Coat Pegs are used for the icon

  20. Simon Neill

    Title is required.

    I don't see the point in these.

  21. blackworx
    Happy

    The natural look

    "Apparently, "the natural look is back" and "nipples are in", "

    Splendid.

  22. Ball boy
    Paris Hilton

    Nothing new here

    As any fule kno, plenty of ...ahem..less salubrious women already sport this look - and have for years - but the headline 'High fashion takes a leaf out of slapper's look' isn't going to make the news, is it?

    /obligatory joke: Fake nipples? What's the point? Boom, boom. Okay, okay, I'm leaving....

    Paris because any mention of sticky-out bits requires her presence. Allegedly.

  23. Andy Miller

    Plastincine works

    For the one episode of "Porridge" , Patricia Brake had her nipples enhanced with plasticine (so I've heard). What happened to good old British ingenuity?

  24. Version 1.0 Silver badge
    Joke

    I want four

    or maybe six for parties ... than Anne Boleyn look!

  25. Cameron Colley

    As long as we're allowed to stare.

    I hope any woman going around with her nipples (false or otherwise) sticking out like that won't object if a few of us can't help but stare.

    And there was me thinking women wanted men to talk to their faces and not their chests?

    1. No, I will not fix your computer
      Alert

      Sexist pig!

      >>I hope any woman going around with her nipples (false or otherwise) sticking out like that won't object if a few of us can't help but stare.

      How would you know the difference? it's very important to only stare at womens nipples if they are false ones, if you end up staring at womens nipples when they are not false it may be that she doesn't want them stared at.

      "Are you staring at my nipples?"

      "Yes, they are false aren't they? I assume they are there for display"

      "NO! they are real, how dare you stare!"

      "Sorry."

      "Are you staring at my nipples?"

      "Yes, they are false aren't they? I assume they are there for display"

      "Yes, what do you think?"

      "Nice."

      "Thanks"

      "Are you staring at my nipples?"

      "No, sorry, well, I might have glanced but, I didn't mean to, at least not consciously"

      "It's OK, it's quite chilly in the freezer section and it's a natural reaction from both of us."

      "OK... errr... I'll be off then..."

      "Are you staring at my nipples?"

      "Yes, quality tent pegs you have there love"

      "Eh? are you some kind of pervert?"

      "Don't be stupid, don't blame me, if you don't want me to stare then cover up better"

      This evil invention is just another way to confuse men (and their roles in society), sigh.

      I think there used to be something called nipplettes (now some inversion correction doodad) which did the same things from a few decades ago.

      What's next? "moundettes" for when your camel-toe is not very well defined?

      1. JC 2
        Happy

        @ Sexist pig!

        Men aren't going to be confused. Some will stare either way and whether a controversy arises out of it depends on whether the woman goes into attack mode for something that is relatively innocent.

        Really, staring at a nipple shouldn't be taken as more offensive than any other body part, like looking someone in the eye continuously when talking to them. OMGWTF, he looked at my eyeballs. Does it reduce women to pieces of meat? Of course, humans are made of meat.

      2. Matt Bryant Silver badge
        Happy

        RE: Sexist pig!

        LOL! Just imagine the fun - strip naked, pop some Viagra, and then walk down the highstreet, glaring at any woman that looks at your manhood and shouting: "Oi! Are you looking at my hardon? You disgusting pervert!"

      3. Cameron Colley

        @No, I will not fix your computer

        Damn you...

        I just snorted beer on my keyboard.

      4. Goat Jam
        Heart

        See "Camel Toe Cup"

        "What's next? "moundettes" for when your camel-toe is not very well defined?"

        http://www.skateboardingsucks.com/images/camel_toe_annie.jpg

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Or three...

      ...for the Lily Allen look.

    3. Marvin the Martian
      IT Angle

      What happened to Brit ingenuity? British cuisine.

      Think about, food here has come a long way since the days of Porridge --- how would you react to that plasticine aftertaste? Well, in the seventies you'd have loved it, "finally something that doesn't taste of failed salty gravy" or some such.

  26. Liam Johnson

    church coat pegs

    I thought the expression was "Chapel hat pegs"?

  27. EddieD

    Nothing is original...

    In a book by John Brunner called Stand on Zanzibar, written in about 1970, and set in 2010, a fashion designer Guinivere Steel, had introduced something she called "Nipicaps" - which are what these are. Maybe his estate can sue for plagiarism.

  28. Fr. Ted Crilly

    oh and another thing

    ahem......

    nipples like_ " Scammell wheel nuts"

  29. Fr. Ted Crilly
    Welcome

    ah ha! trackpoints

    thats where me stink nips have got too.

    Mine are the red ones..

  30. Cazzo Enorme
    Terminator

    Unisex

    These are perfect for a lot of male body builders. Those that don't subscribe to the natural body building approach (in other words, the ones using crap like anabolic steroids and HGH) have problems with their nipples becoming hard and crusty. As a result, professional body builders often have their nipples removed because they become so unsightly. Rather than following up with expensive surgery to create fake nips from the surrounding tissue, they could get a pair of these instead ...

    And the icon? A certain politician, action film star and former body builder is rumoured to have had his nips removed.

  31. JaitcH
    Alert

    How about NIPple LESS?

    In Japan they sell the reverse of these - the NIPLESS - which conceals the nipples so women can better conform to Japanese culture!

  32. RW
    Coat

    What _real_ men use

    https://www.nipplefunwear.com/products/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=0&products_id=17

    RD&H

  33. 100113.1537
    Badgers

    I'm confused

    (not an uncommon occurrence) - only last week I saw (smooth) nipple covers designed to hide nipples when going bra-less.

    Can someone tell a poor male of the species what is going on here?

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    Technology

    Seems like it'd be better if they had some LEDs in them to make them light up. That would certainly attract more attention.

  35. Eduard Coli
    Pint

    For the city

    Bumper protection with character!

  36. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    finally

    The Register finds a sensible tech response to global warming.

  37. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD

    /facepalm

    /facepalm

    ...

  38. SirTainleyBarking
    WTF?

    Wherever I hang my hat

    Its quite likely to stay in place whilst jogging.

    Also can be used as a distraction when smuggling tic-tacs

  39. Tron

    Funky.

    Bulgarian secret policewomen will be priming them with ricin. Clearly a threat to national security.

    I might get a pair, despite being a bloke. Kind of funky. How long before someone does a pair that light up, or with a built-in MP3 player.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    why are they the same size?

    If women really want us to stare at their chests, they should wear a size six on the right and a size eight on the left.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    trouser enhancers

    What about the boys? I've heard it said that some of you other guys have had to resort to unconvincing rolled up socks in your Y-fronts. Selfridges: You're missing an opportunity here, what about a adding to your range with a male enhancement vinyl trouser sausage - maybe inflatable so the girls know (think) the nipple enhancers are appreciated.

    And for us more modest guys how about some kind of elasticated legging to stop the damn thing flapping around my knee.

  42. Equitas
    Thumb Down

    What's the use if they're not real?

    Of course guys are interested in nipples, as more daring flat-chested girls have known for decades. A flat-chested girl with good nipples can attract every bit as much attention as a busty girl can, if she lets her nipples be seen through her top or wears a loose open-necked top that gives the occasional glance of a nipple.

    False nipples don't sound like much fun.

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