back to article The iPad will doom humanity to painful bog-roll horror

Journalists are always moaning about the ever-accelerating disappearance of printed newspapers and magazines, as this seems likely in many cases to take away their livelihoods. Many of you out there, however, probably care not a snap of your fingers for the welfare of idle (and often dissolute) scribblers who think the world …

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  1. lglethal Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    brilliant...

    Just brilliant! 'Nuff said!

  2. Bob Greenwood
    WTF?

    I don't get it....

    Something's wrong with the logic here - how can there be a shortage of raw material if we are all using less paper? Surely all the bog roll manufacturers need to do is to get their hands on the material that would have gone into office paper and newsprint anyway. Cut out the middle process and we should all end up with SUPERIOR wipes!

    P.S. If you put a Buddists ashes into the recycling bin - is he guaranteed reincarnation?

  3. Michael Dean

    Simple

    All we have to do is figure out the 3 sea-shells :-)

  4. Dan 55 Silver badge
    WTF?

    "a long-lost golden age of restroom comfort."

    Possibly at home, but in my place of work we're thankful for coarse grain sandpaper.

    I'm pretty sure it's part of a productivity drive to make people hang on until it's time to leave (at some ridiculous time in the evening).

    1. Chris Collins

      glass paper

      Our office cunningly combines microfine paper leafs with the swarf to create an insubstantial yet abrasive fibre compound for this sole purpose. Despite being able to see through it it will still take the surface paint off of metal. The trick is to bring in your own and then leave the cubicle as if a heard of incontinent elephants had been through, much to the amusement of your colleagues.

    2. Ammaross Danan
      Alert

      Gah, beat me to it.

      Demolition Man FTW!

      There's always the alternative option of an expletive rant to generate the much-needed crevasse paper.

  5. Pete 2

    If we all club together

    and fax the bog-roll makes some high quality paper, the shortage will disappear!

  6. It'sa Mea... Mario
    Coat

    Toungue in cheek?

    ..as in the article* not a sugguestion for the solution! - ewww!

    *hope so anyway otherwise the staff at El Reg really are starting to publish any old cr*p

    Coat? I'm already gone..

  7. Aaron 10
    Heart

    Bidet

    I, for one, don't use (much) toilet paper at all, thanks to my Toto Washlet... and I don't subscribe to any paper magazines or newspapers either.

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. skeptical i

      Toilet pisses on man, film at eleven.

      That is all.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    iZal ?

    Perhaps that's why the iPad is a touch-screen device. It's designed for single-handed use, so like the desert tribes of old we keep one hand for clean things and one for dirty...

    Which hand do /you/ browse with?

  10. Rob.T

    One word

    Bidet

    That is all

  11. John Dougald McCallum
    Happy

    Romans.....

    ......used a sponge in a cleft stick,much longer lasting than paper.Evidence of such usage was found at Vindolanda South of Hadrians Wall.

  12. blackworx
    Thumb Up

    India

    As anyone who's spent any time working in India and has "gone native" for their restroom* habits will tell you: bog roll is overrated anyway.

    * What a fucking awful, slithery, inappropriate word. If there is one single word that for me sums up perfectly that brand of slimy prudishness specific to the USA, it is "restroom". Eugh. Makes me gag.

  13. J. Cook Silver badge
    Coat

    Yeah, this post will get canned.

    I was going to complain about what a cr*p article this is, but then I realized as an afterthought that the author was trying to force it, which just ain't healthy. Better take some time and let things work their way out naturally.

    Mines the one with the roll of bog paper in one pocket and a book in the other.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Restroom"

      'If there is one single word that for me sums up perfectly that brand of slimy prudishness specific to the USA, it is "restroom".'

      So the English expression "going to powder your nose" doesn't represent some kind of slimy English prudishness then?

      1. Drewc (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: "Restroom"

        "Going to powder your nose"? What else should Cocaine sniffers say?

        .

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        You made that one up

        I have never, ever heard of "powder your nose". The worst euphemism I hear in English, as opposed to American, is "going to the toilet". Common English terms: gents, ladies, spend a penny, WC, lats, piss, crap, loo (a bit effete but somehow sweet) or "wash my hands|", which is not so far out for the habits of some people. You Americans believe some wonderful myths. I agree on the repulsiveness of "restroom", along with "bathroom" used by people going to a lavatory with barely a basin, let alone a full bath or shower, or "powder room" as if such a thing ever existed outside Hollywood and cocaine parties. But then these people live in Apartments instead of flats and do not have friends or families, just "loved ones".

        Anyway, to the point, remember the days of Bronco paper that doubled as cheap tracing paper at school? Absorbent? Who needed it? Or Army ration packs with, I think it was, two pieces of that stuff? Or the recycled stuff that seemed still to have half the original cardboard in it? Oh nostalgia. As someone else pointed out, rather a lot of the world uses water from a bidet or those clever Turkish WC bowls with a nozzle or simply a bowl, or not much at all.

        Actually, I am astonished that there is a shortage. Something I notice in every office is the sheer volume of high quality paper spewing out of printers, most of it put in the waste paper bin for recycling almost at once.

        1. Big-nosed Pengie

          Title

          Whenever someone says "I'm going to the bathroom" I say "Enjoy your bath."

        2. Paul_Murphy
          Flame

          A powder room

          Is where you store black powder (and, later, other explosives) though of course 'to powder your nose' would not have been a good idea.

          Similarly a fire is to be avoided in a powder room.

          ttfn

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Tsk! Silly so-and-so?

    There's an app for that?

  15. The Fuzzy Wotnot
    Thumb Up

    Doomed!

    The human race, from iPad to Prep-H! Says it all!

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    (Bog) rolling back the years

    With clear, but certainly not fond, memories of the shiny stuff that was ubiquitous in public conveniences, school facilities etc., this is unwelcome news. Especially as that end is not getting any more resilient with age.

  17. Ian 31
    Thumb Up

    I tip my hat to you....

    bumwad tech supremo, ecologically sound cleftwipe products.

    Class. Absolute class. Was it Lewis?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Paperless Office?

    I believe it was the CEO of Xerox once said, "we'll have the paper-less office around the same time we have the paper-less toilet".

    Seriously, everytime I go into an office it amazes me the amount of paper that's gone through (and I mean on the photocopier, not in the bog)

  19. Johnny Canuck
    Coat

    I suggest

    We get ISO to publish a standard for what is acceptable paper to be used in toilet paper - which will,of course, be known as the bog standard.

  20. Stewart Haywood

    Evolution

    Quite obviously the requirement for bog paper proves that inteligent design is a crock of shit, but, how did we manage to evolve to the point where we can't take a crap without writing a 3 page letter about it first ?

    Now, considering that Scotsmen don't use knickers under the kilt, does this mean that they have no knowledge of skid marks and therefore have not evolved sufficiently to need bog paper?

    1. Gangsta
      Coffee/keyboard

      please send keyboard to 229 Main Street...

      that is all.

    2. I didn't do IT.
      Boffin

      Scots Evolution

      As a descendant of the Highlands, I will have you know that the reason nothing is *required* to be worn under the kilt (besides there being no need to constrict God's True Gift), is because we have evolved beyond that. Simply:

      1. Set feet.

      2. Place each hand on the appropriate hip, gathering the kilt up in the back while doing so.

      3. Garner a stern(er) expression, contemplative of doing this reverse-caber.

      4. Take a deep breath deep in the diaphragm and exhale smartly and loudly. (Mind any stray droplets from the splash; they tend to scatter as if lambs running from a fire.)

      The result passes quickly, leaving our cheeks unblemished and pristine. Now, I'm not saying it smells like roses, but hey, give us another couple hundred years, eh? :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Scots Evolution

        "reverse-caber" - Brilliant!

    3. blackworx
      Go

      Re: Evolution

      Considering contemporary "highland dress" (along with "Scottish country dancing") is nothing more than an effete Victorian English contrivance, it is impossible to answer your question as it stands.

      I would say, however, that a large handful of nettles will normally suffice in an emergency, thus avoiding the skidmark problem you mention. On the occasions when this becomes necessary, it has the handy added bonus of causing such pain that we can easily help ignorant southern fairies like you perpetuate the stereotype that we are all miserable unevolved torn-faced gits.

      Yours,

      Brig. Gen. Jock E Brickharde (retd.)

  21. Spongibrain

    Good

    Toilet paper is a terrible and unnecessary strain on sewage processing.

    We'll all be much better off moving to the Asian water-based system.

    Mine's the one with the bucket of water and the small jug in the corner...

  22. Subtilior

    There's an app for that

    Search the app store for TP

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    I never knew

    that bogpaper is made from recycled newspapers, though that makes sense on so many levels. I'm even happier now, thinking I could be wiping my arse on Melanie Phillips' carefully crafted wingnut diatribes.

    Thumbs up for the prostate exam, and mines' the one with the growing niche.

    1. fred #257
      Thumb Up

      You've just given me a brilliant idea...

      ... for a new, trendy product.

      Themed toilet paper

      - with a pic of the politician of your choice printed on every sheet.

      I reckon Mandypaper would be the top seller in the range...

  24. John Savard Silver badge

    Recycled?

    As most toilet paper is not recycled, the use of fewer trees to make paper for other purposes should mean that supplies of paper will be more secure.

    But the paperless office has been a myth so far... it is good news if paper recyclers now have proof that it is finally becoming a reality.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    Colonial Attitude

    As the vast majority of persons worldwide use alternative techniques such as a water bucket and dipper it seems arrogantly colonial to whine about the deteriorating quality of asswipe.

    Over here in Canada Sears catalogues can still be found in the odd rural outhouse. Now that's high quality paper! Wipe with catalogues, go green!

  26. Xris M

    Does this mean......

    ....that we should start preparing for the toilet paper gap?

  27. netdrakh
    Linux

    netdrakh

    There is a simple, eco-friendly way out of this allegedly rough patch (and it even saves those trees for the spotted owls-- or the beetles, and a later fire)!

    We, in the US, simply have to go back to circa 1800, and indulge in the gentleman-farmer practice of those Dreadful Revolutionaries, Geo. Washington and Thos. Jefferson:

    GROW HEMP!

    Not the smoke-able kind; the rope- textile- paper-making kind. Not a buzz in a wheelbarrow-load; and far more productive than any patch of Deep Dixie forest.

    Not that the pulp-producers are inefficient, unsustainable, or unable to keep up with demand. 75% of the demand is met with 2nd and 3rd-generation trees; 16% is from plantations of trees specifically grown for the purpose. The remainder: 9% from Old-growth.

    Just as most American Christmas trees come from farms....!

    The biggest problem with growing hemp for paper is the Prohibition on Wacky Weed. It is rather difficult to tell the THC-loaded variety from the dull kind. And the enforcers of the ban are hardly to be numbered among the Best and Brightest....

    Some day we will come to our senses, and we will be able to wipe our nether surfaces with the fluffy products of our legal fields of hemp....! Meanwhile, hang in there!

    Maybe the voluminous flood paper from Mr O's District of Columbia will tide us over for the Duration?....

  28. Captain TickTock
    Coat

    When is Peak Bog-Roll?

    My coat's on the hook on the back of the door

  29. Bill B
    Thumb Up

    Author Author!

    The author is billed as 'Team Register' but it has 'Lewis' written all over it (who else would coin the phrase 'bumwad'?)

    I demand the real author stands up and accepts praise where it is due!

  30. Wize
    Paris Hilton

    If we don't have any paper...

    ... I'd be very careful where you hang your flag.

    Paris... well, its almost the right country.

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