back to article DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!

In shock news, it has emerged that recent record-breaking increases in particle ring energy achieved at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the most powerful atomsmasher ever assembled by the human race - have caused a hyperdimensional portal leading to an inhabited parallel universe to open up deep beneath Switzerland, in what …

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  1. shmirsh
    Go

    I for one...

    welcome the arrival of our 5th dimensional overlords

  2. The Original Ash
    Alien

    OH EMM JEE EN OH EE ESS Exclaimation

    We've already had the Google People Ad's story, which is OBVIOUSLY false, so this MUST BE REAL!

    Quick! Begin end-of-life-as-we-know-it copulation with random women, before it's too late! (As is every nerd's Apocalypse fantasy).

  3. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    My crowbar is ready

    And I await, holding my breath, for an opportunity to pry a real working pulse rifle from a Combine soldier's dead fingers.

  4. AbnormalChunks
    Joke

    I for one...

    welcome the fact that it's 01/04/10!

  5. Jason 24
    Thumb Up

    Very good!

    Almost believable until the last few paragraphs!

  6. Secretgeek
    Alien

    AAAAAAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm working in an office - where the fuck am i supposed to get a crowbar from?

  7. Adam Salisbury
    Joke

    Aaaargh I knew it!! The tinfoilers were right!!!!

    Cyanide pill......check

    Towell................check

    Lobo..................check

    HEV suit............check

    Bring it oooowwwwnnn!!!!

  8. GrahamT
    Happy

    I wondered when this would happen

    May I be the one hundred and first person to welcome our pan-dimensional poisson d'avril masters.

  9. Paul M 1

    Wasn't this from a short story by...

    H. P. Lovecraft?

  10. HaplessPoet
    Thumb Up

    Nice try, but no Cigar

    The post is required, and must contain letters.

  11. Mr Microsoft
    Gates Halo

    Must have been running Linux!.

    I blame Mr Gordon!

    1. Ian Stephenson Silver badge
      Grenade

      Improvise...

      Go with the fire axe.

      1. ravenviz
        Coat

        Re: improvise

        Don't be ridiculous, I'd have to submit a safety non-conformance report. We audit fires here and submit the results to a committee before they can be tackled. Difficult on a bank haoliday weekend.

    2. Baskitcaise
      Alien

      Wasn't this from a short story by...

      I thought it was L Ron Hubbard ?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        L. Ron Hubcap

        never wrote a word of fiction!

  12. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
    Joke

    DW...

    Grey Knights already been there and gone.

    LHC now offline and stupid boffins causing the rift terminated.

    They coming for you next for such a lame prank.

  13. Nick Ryan Silver badge
    FAIL

    FAIL...

    FAIL.... and you know why I *know* this is a fake story? There's no mention of collaptic im/explosions and therefore it's obviously a total fake.

    Next time get your facts (and terminology) correct Mr Page - your reputation as a world class reporter on high level physics will suffer otherwise.

  14. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Happy

    Thanks for the Tale, Lewis, ...

    "It is thought that members of the elite Swiss police "Stern" tactical unit descended into the underground complex housing the ATLAS experiment early this morning, and have not returned." ..... Oops :-) ...... Anyone got a Rabbit Wormhole Map?

  15. ndf9876

    Gordon Freeman....

    ...is on standby with his crowbar in case of any further issues.

  16. Simon Woodworth
    Boffin

    Stargate?

    Did Rodney McKay step through?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    CERN forces? Pah!

    Shouldn't they be calling UNIT led by Capt'n. Jack to deal with the monsters from the Id?

    CERN?? Amateurs!! I might just as well adopt the brace position and rely on the 4000 holes in Blackburn to deflect the reverse polarity of the neutron flow, until our pan-dimensional overlords reach Lancashire.

  18. Nigel 11
    Black Helicopters

    Prediction

    the DA-notice will be responded to by takedown of this article at 20100401 12:00:00.01

  19. Sacha TF Padovani
    Pint

    you tossers

    you've gone a bit overboard with this one

    have a happy day

    :))

    btw: been following the LHC lately: last night they managed some more collisions. Looks like Beam 2 is always acting funny.

  20. Daniel 1

    "Gordon Freeman... It IS you isn't it?"

    "Yes, how did you guess?"

    "Well, it could be the hazmat suit... but personally, I was tipped off by the fact that you were carrying a rocket launcher; a machine gun; two pistols; a nuclear-powered-vacuum-cleaner thing; a satchel of laser mines, grenades and high explosives, and a living-alien-claw that shoots bugs... Are you here to help the Horde? - No wait! Wrong game!"

  21. MrWugga
    Black Helicopters

    What would Gordon do?

    I'm just glad I stocked up on crowbars and EVC suits yesterday.

  22. Brutus
    Grenade

    Damn you, Lewis!

    I was really hoping that the supersymmetry bit was true.

    So, anyway, are we talking headcrabs here, or Cacodaemons?

    Grenade, for obvious reasons.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That's the obvious one out of the way

    Now to catch the more plausible ones.

  24. Christopher Rogers
    FAIL

    I shouldn't be saying this

    But the President has summoned me directly. Thank God Will Smith is back onside. We'll need him for the next couple of Independance Days.

  25. Chris 67
    Thumb Up

    With my brains and your brawn we'll make an excellent team

    I laughed. Very good :)

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Portal or mirror

    If it was a super symmetry event or mirror could this mean that 'those' (or is it us) on the other side are preparing a response the same as ours.

    I am writing the same article simultaneously? or is it you?

    Trams-R-us

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm sceptical

    There are all sorts of hoaxes going around today for some reason. I think we need some kind of Playmobil-based proof.

  28. adrianww
    Go

    Obvious question...

    ...is Gordon still in there?

  29. Atonnis
    Happy

    Not bad - a little wildly over the top...

    It contains just enough eye-glazing information to numb the brain and a recent topic with plenty of controversy to get the nutjobs foaming at the mouth.

    I'm still watching out for the believable AFD story though...

  30. Zimmer
    Happy

    ......mm... pizza...

    Be thankful this can only happen once a year........ (is there a pizza delivery waiting at the portal....) :)

  31. KCM
    Stop

    Are we sure....

    ... that the LHC isn't a part of the Black Mesa or Aperture Science operations?

    In which case.. will there be cake?

  32. Peter Gathercole Silver badge
    FAIL

    Yawn. Pinch, Punch etc.

    Lewis,

    we've all been playing Half Life, and quipping about the LHC for too long for this to be remotely regarded as amusing

  33. Rob Quinn
    Grenade

    Now where did I put that....

    Crowbars at the ready guys, it won't be long before the Xen hoards break through the insufficiant human special forces and the geeks will have to mop up the mess with a handy stick of metal and a zero point energy field manipulator.

    Grenade for obvious reasons.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    OMFG!!!

    Send for SG-1

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    Doom or Stargate?

    The image used looks a lot like stargate but your story comes straight outta Deimos and Phobos.

  36. LAGMonkey
    Alert

    where is my crowbar!

    oh god! i didnt wear enough tinfoil im sure of it.

    Dr Dark Energy, your the only one who could save us but arnt the gov'munt going to shut down el'Reg for posting such an important story?

  37. stuartrc
    Happy

    blah

    I have been waiting for this all morning - thanks Lewis

  38. Blue eyed boy
    Thumb Up

    A full-power blast of

    anti helium-4+2lambda atoms borrowed from RHIC - see http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/03/05/negative_strangeness/ - should see the extradimensional invaders off

  39. Chemist
    Joke

    Are you Dan Brown ?

    No further comment

  40. Pantelis
    Thumb Up

    About time

    I welcome our new transdimensional overlords...they cannot possibly do a worse job than what we have now anyway and they are fresh!

  41. Ian Halstead
    Black Helicopters

    This 2m blue door...

    My Great Uncle lost a 2m peacock blue circular door when serving on USS Eldridge in 1943. I'm putting a claim in.

  42. Pegsta
    Grenade

    It's all been training.. till now

    I've got me an Orange suit and a crowbar... Let me at em....

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Guess...

    that means the Carbon Freezing device I bought off Firebox won't be coming anytime soon then!

  44. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge
    Welcome

    Freeman!

    *shakes fist*

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    OH NO!

    Anyone know what the HALF-LIFE of one of these is? How long will it last?

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No Reg No!

    You shouldn't publish news like this on April 1st, some people might think it's an April Fool

    I for one welcome our new inter-dimensional overlords

  47. gerryg
    Thumb Up

    And as a result...

    ...it will be 1st April for ever...

    Congratulations, Orson Wells would tip his hat to you. Unscrew that coffee jar lid in a toilet to gain entrance to the extra dimension.

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Make a note of the date!

    It's the day that history ends/starts! (or something)

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Ah April 1st-

      truly THE best day to bury bad news.

      1. Graham Wilson
        Stop

        Ah you're wrong mate, it's no joke.

        Ah you're wrong mate, it's no joke. And it's been hyped up a bit by El Reg who've overstated the story. This is a better analysis of the facts. Seems that when the LHC hit 6.91TeV microscopic black holes started to form--this is considerably lower than the predicted level of approximately 8.89TeV. Despite the idiotic scaremongering, these microscopic black holes are not an issue in that they are dangerous, for at that size they just evaporate into Hawking radiation in approximately 6 or 7 femtoseconds. Essentially a non-issue, except that the LHC will behave a little differently than expected or predicted.

        From preliminary results it's been ascertained with a 0.9 probability the reason for their appearance at this lower energy level is that around about 6.85TeV Planck's Radiation Law becomes non-linear and starts to behave in a manner more akin to that predicted by the earlier Rayleigh-Jeans Law. Needless to say, with non-linearity setting in at 6.85TeV both Planck's constant [6.626 . 10^(-34) m2 kg / s] and the related Stefan-Boltzmann constant will start to deviate from their calibrated values. Moreover, if at these power levels Planck's RL starts to behave as if it were Rayleigh-Jeans, then the conundrum raised by Rayleigh-Jeans--that of the Ultraviolet Catastrophe problem--becomes an issue once again (The U.C. is where observed radiation levels failed to reach theoretical predictions--a once major problem for physics, and it seems perhaps so once again).

        What does all this amount to? As we know from CERN press reports, the LHC is soon scheduled to be shut down again for maintenance and recalibration. What CERN is not telling us is the exact reasons why. When we have a machine that requires recalibration because an established law of physics behaves non-linearly at super high power levels and that this is concomitant with the formation of microscopic black holes--even if harmless--then some massaging of the truth is likely to occur.

        At this early juncture, CERN doesn't want to excessively frighten the horses in case the funding gets cut off.

        1. sweetpea

          Huh?

          Needless to say? Say what? I don't know if you've been reading these posts, but you ain't speakin to a lot of physicists! Ultraviolet what? Who in heck is Rayleigh-Jeans? Planck's Radiation Law? You aren't related to Steve are ya? 6.91TeV? What kind of TV? Geez, get a life.

          (Just kidding). I know that I am no doubt falling for some sort of intellectual prank, but I have heard of TeV, Planck, black holes, (Rayleigh-Jeans got me, though), so you at least aren't making up stuff from whole cloth ( hole cloth in my opinion!) Keep on rockin.

          Pete in the scary woods near Ascov MN

          Keep your feet dry, your head held high, and your hands held out in peace.

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Badgers

    Title

    http://pw0nd.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/half-life.jpg

    Nuff said.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not Available for comment

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    1. Daniel Wilkie

      OMFG

      You just won the internet!

      1. Jamie Jones Silver badge
        Joke

        Homer!

        It's Homer Simpson as Dr. Gordon Freeman!

    2. Olafthemighty
      Pint

      Wow. Really?

      And I thought I had too much time on _my_ hands. Well done, sir.

  51. BossHog
    Alien

    Foolish to attack Switzerland!

    That little country is armed to the teeth!

    That said, wasn't the last assault on Humanity launched against the formidable might of Victorian England? On foolhardy martians would mess with Steampunk Wokingites packing pre-Edwardian bio weapons!

  52. This post has been deleted by its author

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Confirmed

    I live in geneva, and can confirm unusually strange goings-on. This morning the whole Geneva area was full of weird whitish gaseous cloud, and very rapidly over the last few minutes this is being penetrated and dispersed by harsh cosmic radiation and unusually bright lights in the sky.

    Nowhere to run, I'll be defending my underground bunker.

    PS, this CAN NOT ba an April fool's day story, El Reg is also running a story saying mobile phone rates will tumble, that's clearly their hoax for the credulous masses

  54. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    I re-checked some of the CCTV recordings

    and all might not be as lost as we fear. Just before it swaps over to the "stock" footage, a blue police box appears to the bottom left....

  55. D@v3
    Thumb Up

    Oh how i wish this were true.

    E.O.M

  56. hammarbtyp Silver badge
    Alien

    We are lucky the swiss special forces are on hand

    Since only they posses the special anti-dimensional blade on their Swiss army pen knives

    1. frank ly

      re. special blade

      Would that be the 'subtle knife' ?

  57. Dr Who

    Rose

    Let's face it, most of the Tardis Totty is trash. That's why I was trying trying to get Rose back from the 10th dimension, and what happens? The bleeding Pervertrons hijacked the portal ... we're all in deep merde I'm afraid.

  58. Aaron Em

    New Reg feature request

    We badly need a "buy this author a drink" button, preferably right up at the top next to the byline. Well done, sir.

    1. BossHog
      Pint

      Drink?

      LOL - don't encourage them!

  59. donpetroleum
    Coat

    Remember, iddqd

    and idkfa. Bring it on

  60. tony2heads
    Coffee/keyboard

    I can has multidimensional portal

    http://www.icanhazlargehadroncollider.com/img/blackhole12.jpg

    1. andypbw

      BFG9000

      You, sir, deserve an internet

      1. Pirate Dave Silver badge
        Pirate

        well, actually

        it would only work over an IPX network, right? Not IP...

    2. Swoop
      Go

      So that's what happened to...

      ...Schrodinger's cat!

  61. Stu
    Alert

    No, its all true everybody!

    I have the video evidence right here -

    http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html

  62. Julian Bond
    Paris Hilton

    Surely, they just need to

    Reverse the polarity!

    In the last 10 minutes of the film, leaving ample time for the epilogue.

    Paris, obviously, since she knows a thing or two about films.

  63. ravenviz
    FAIL

    Re: custardization

    I want my blancmange, where's my blancmange?

  64. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Alert

    Great

    I'm off to CERN for my combine upgrade , and then I can ruthlessly oppress humanity forever!!

    PS all crowbars will be melted down

  65. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I wish

    I wish it were true, an interdimenasional invasion would be a welcome diversion.

  66. Bassey

    Anyone else

    Is anyone else getting thoroughly pissed off having to wade through reams of made up crap just to find the news? One April Fools article well done is appreciated. Half a dozen pointless pieces of shite that wouldn't fool a three year old is just getting annoying. Where's the fucking IT news?

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Anyone else

      I bet you're just mad cos you fell for one of them.

      Everyone point at Bassey and boo. BOOOOOOOO.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        *points*

        BOOOOOOOOO! For shame, good sir!

  67. Tim Russell
    Thumb Up

    @STU

    Fugging A man!

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    but will they have...

    the capability of playing Crysis at a good frame-rate?

  69. Kevin Reader
    Alien

    Video Evidence

    This evidence has been around for a while. Its purported to be a Cern press conference since hushed up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_A19TraCFA

  70. sweetpea

    alien invasion

    Luckily for everyone, I had anticipated this occurrance. I have developed a headband, the alloy of which I cannot reveal for obvious reasons, that renders you invisible to the alien invaders! Now this item is 100% guaranteed! Should you ever be abducted by aliens (which means my device failed. Fat chance!) I shall refund 50% OF YOUR PURCHASE PRICE! 50%!! Think of it. So citizens. Take no chances. Send CASH to the listed email address to receive your headband. And what you ask is the price? What is it worth to you to save yourself and your family from these modern day inter-dimensional thugs? Why, a measly $999.00. Yes, just $999.00 for this GUARANTEED product. You wil not be disappointed, or abducted. GUARANTEED!!!!

  71. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
    Flame

    Explosions?

    Does that mean that the LHC has a stockpile of red barrels kicking around? I would have thought those things would have been banned for being a health and safety risk

  72. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Pint

    I sense a playmobile reconstruction is needed

    Message says it all.

  73. Stu
    Alert

    @Bassey

    BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    @Everyone - If ur up 4 a little easter weekend humour, its definitely worth checking out all of Cyriak's website, its pretty fugging hilarious, the animation he made entitled 'Cycles' had me literally in stitches with its relentless imagery doing unexpected absurd things again and again!

    Oh and thanks for the 3 ticks (or more), but treat the ticks as if they're for Cyriak himself, he's the man, and he's from Brighton - one of the first places in Britain to be sucked into the relentless black hole of the LHC.

  74. Havin_it
    Coat

    The Fifth Dimension?

    Didn't they have a hit in about '97 with "Baby I Want Your Love Thing"?

    /davelister

  75. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    @Bassey They make up the news EVERY day here

    You really hadn't noticed??

    "Tiger Woods" for instance. There's NO SUCH PERSON. Then they recycled "his" backstory for "Barack Obama". (I'm not saying that The Register does ALL of this, I don't know who.) Actually, it's the same story they had for "Bill Clinton", so this year's "Obama" should be appointment TV. If you go for that kind of thing. "Clinton" is actually an actor who used to be on "Saturday Night Live". He had a joke "President" character they did and it kinda caught on. And "Hillary" is played by the lady from "The Weakest Link". More recently, "Obama" was in a regular feature on "The Daily Show" (on More4 in the UK), and pretty funny - they tried "Hillary" there too but she wasn't nearly as good.

  76. alien anthropologist
    Thumb Up

    It is time..

    .. to kick ass and chew bubblegum.

    And I'm all out of gum...

  77. Dave P 1

    No Problem

    Just send in the BOFH and the PFY with their roll of carpet, a spade, and that cattle-prod type thingy. That job will be taken care of quickly, and lots of time for a few pints afterward.

  78. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    CERN

    CERN in Switzerland were celebrating colliding Protons at great speed.

    The youth of Broken Britain TM have been colliding Protons at great speed for years.

    Colliding Escorts, Astras, Novas etc. too!

  79. TeeCee Gold badge
    Joke

    I know how this one ends.

    In the midst of the doom and flickering lights, to the background accompaniment of screaming, the crackle of gunfire and the occasional THUD of a grenade, an elderly woman in a pinny wanders into the lab, towing something behind her.

    She wanders around, carefully studying the skirting boards. After a while she selects a wire, seemingly at random and pulls it from the wall. She then plugs in her "Numatic Henry" vacuum cleaner and switches it on.

    Suddenly, every single electronic device in the entire complex ceases to work as one. The dimensional portal winks out and the lights come back on. Humanity is saved!

    1. sweetpea
      Jobs Horns

      thank god

      YAY! You go gramma!

  80. Fred 4
    Terminator

    I am the first?!?!

    I for one welcome our blue-lighted, extra dimensional overlords!

  81. The_Police!
    Welcome

    I for one

    also welcome our new overlords and is already working in kahoots with them.

  82. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Official News

    Syndic Sergeant Smallwolf Baginski denied any significance in the routine joint exercises taking place between the Rain Island Army Union, The Royal Nederlands Alpenkorps, and the Swiss Navy's 3rd Air Assault Division. "So, what's the fuss, anyway? It's not as if they're likely to be Australians."

  83. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Where's the Kaboom?

    There was sup-posed to be an earth-shattering kaboom.

  84. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    New analysis

    From reflections inside the blue glow we can see that from the other side, the gateway looks orange.

  85. liquidphantom

    Total Photonic Reversal

    Cross the streams!!

  86. J 3
    Joke

    [checks date...]

    Oh, damn, I was SO looking forward to this being true! :-)

  87. Chris Seiter
    Thumb Up

    Whip Stich

    Maybe my string theorist brother-in-law can just whip stich the hole closed with a quantum needle.

  88. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    Someone tell our brave special ops soldiers

    to grab the chainsaw when it drops!!

  89. Daniel von Asmuth
    Go

    So now you know

    the secret Swiss technology for drilling holes into Emmental cheese.

  90. Stewart Haywood

    Latest news

    An old friend on the scene tells me that a volley of tinnies of Foster's flew out of the blue glow followed by a note saying "G'day G'day from Antares at Lucas heights Sydney."

  91. Alan Firminger

    Er

    I posted my response yesterday.

  92. henrydddd
    FAIL

    Don't panic

    Scientists have told the authorities not to worry about any permanent inter-dimensional door being created. They say that all of the black holes that the LHC is crankin out will solve the problem very quickly

  93. asdf Silver badge
    Joke

    Re: Someone tell our brave special ops soldiers #

    Ash made the chainsaw cool. Remember shop smart shop S-Mart!

  94. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Hmmm.....

    Has anyone noticed if there's a rogue physicist running about armed with a crowbar, who doesn't speak, and is wearing an HEV suit?

  95. ShaggyDoggy

    Time

    Time travel is soooo next year

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