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back to article US Navy 'PANDA' tech to sniff out 'deviant' sailors

US Navy Intelligence is soon to deploy radical new computer monitoring software able to sniff out "deviations" among hundreds of thousands of sailors at sea on the world's oceans. Rather than some kind of Orwellian porn-enforcement system for use on the USN's own matelots, however, the so-called Predictive Analysis for Naval …

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  1. TRT Silver badge
    Happy

    Yay!

    Panda, go panda, go panda!

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  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    sexual harrasment, panda!

    when one panda touches another panda's...

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  3. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Guessing games

    Everyone is trying to guess which is the boat with that North Korean container.

    A little to late I guess. It is most likely safely sitting in a warehouse in Docklands or Queens waiting for someone in dire need of antipsychotic drugs to press the button.

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  4. Dave Bell

    Alternatively

    Naval Electronic Learner Spotting Oceanic Naughtiness

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  5. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Boffin

    Caesars never had IT so Big Easy .... or was that Caligulas?

    "* We would offer for consideration: Overwatch Maritime Naval Intelligence System for Collation and Identification of Enemy Nautical Tactics (OMNISCIENT)."

    Do you know if they're cruisin' for PRECOGNISCENT, Lewis, to Guarantee OMNISCIENT and remove All Future Doubts for OMNIPOTENCE.

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  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All that's missing..

    ..is some kind of giant-laser-in-space gizmo to create an international incident with every dodgy decision..

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  7. asiaseen

    Put your money

    into bamboo futures. PANDA eats nothing else.

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  8. TheOtherMe
    Grenade

    Hmm could it be

    Sophisticated

    Korean or

    Yemeni

    Naval

    Enemy

    Tracking

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  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not a new project by any measure..

    I know one of the individuals working on this project, personally. It's been in the works at a contractor since at least mid-2008 (when we met), and is VERY far along. It's interesting to come here and read about something that's "news", which I knew about in the summer of 2008.

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  10. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD

    strange...

    I always thought the navy was quite tolerant in these matters.

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  11. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    MORE data to sift trough...

    ...it's not like the slighty surpassed civil servants in the Homecrank Security Department are currently able to manage their terabytes of "leads". Yes, please dumpster dive into every trashcan in the world, why don't you.

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  12. Kevin 6

    @AC 19:44

    that is probably hidden in revision 2's improvement list

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  13. Aaron Em

    OMNISCIENT

    Guess they could call it that -- the Navy isn't covered by truth-in-advertising laws, right?

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  14. Kristin McKechie
    Terminator

    ..."...initilising Stage 1 RoTM..."...

    ...Stage 2 will be the automated slaving of surface to surface nukes and space based lasers to the PANDA core for interventionless at-sea interdiction of all 'deviant' life forms....

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  15. Nigee

    reinventing the wheel

    To be consistent with other domains it should be called the RMP - Recognised Maritime Picture.

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  16. exit...quit...bye...quitbye.ctrl-C..ctrlX.ctrl-alt-X...aarrrr*slam*

    blue on blue

    Considering the navigation skills and seamanship displayed by US vessels in the northern and baltic sea it is most probably only a matter of minutes before they start tracking their own citizens.

    At least they will stop trying to crush my yacht.

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  17. wv9e

    Pie-rats

    It would be cheaper to nuke Somalia and get it over with. What they really need is some of those fake merchant ships like in WW2, looked like a freighter and then when u-boats appeared they dropped panels and gave them some good ole shelling to take home.... to Davey Jones' locker.

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  18. Paul Hates Handles
    Coat

    PANDA searches for ships that...

    Eats shoots and leaves?

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  19. deadlockvictim

    Oldie but goodie

    I prefer SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion as a replacement for PANDA myself.

    Only the finest minds can make it in.

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  20. SirTainleyBarking
    Coat

    Its Friday

    Does this mean that when they finally supercede it, the next incarnation will be bigger and better.

    Well it will be an Ex - panda

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  21. TeeCee Gold badge

    Re: Pie-rats

    I believe that the term you are searching for is a "Q-ship".

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  22. Graham Bartlett
    Coat

    Development phases

    Development is split into four phases on the program.

    Which makes each phase a quarter-panda.

    (Coat please!)

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  23. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Re Oldie but goodie

    "I prefer SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion as a replacement for PANDA myself." .... By deadlockvictim Posted Friday 13th November 2009 10:24 GMT

    Hmmm..... No Such Agency, deadlockvictim.

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  24. Mike Hunt 1
    WTF?

    Re Oldie but goodie #

    amanfromMars 1 - Me thinks you are missing the point !!

    <strokes white cat whilst placing little finger next to corner of mouth>

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  25. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Re: Re Oldie but goodie

    "amanfromMars 1 - Me thinks you are missing the point !!" ... By Mike Hunt 1 Posted Friday 13th November 2009 15:02 GMT

    And/or probably possibly just playing dumb and slow, Mike Hunt 1? I would certainly agree with the Base Entry Requirement... "Only the finest minds can make it in."

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