back to article Suicide bum-blast bombing startles Saudi prince

It has emerged that a fanatical al-Qaeda suicide terrorist attempted to kill a Saudi interior minister last month by concealing a bomb up his bottom (the terrorist's, not the minister's). The strategy backfired, so to speak, as the bum-bomber's own body muffled the deadly arse-blast and his target escaped with only minor …

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  1. weirdcult
    FAIL

    damn missed

    bloody terrorarsts!

  2. Jamie 19
    Linux

    I understand no photos, due to security issues

    But what about some artist rendering of the scenario.

    MUWHAHAHAHAHA

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bait

    Brilliant comment bait from Lewis, come on you lot, I need my start of the week laugh. (off to a good start with Kami-Karsi though).

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Gates Halo

    At last, quality journalism from El Reg

    LMAO

    oi scamps, get on yahoo. I need to talk to you about stu [-]

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Concealing large amounts of... "plastique"

    I can't be the only person who's seen those videos that involve the disappearance and eventual reappearance of an entire 24" double ended "adult toy." I'm sure it simply takes some practice.

    Build one of those out of plastic explosive and bob used to be your uncle.

  6. Andus McCoatover
    Grenade

    Suspicious.

    Er, how did the prince get an injury to his hand??? Buttock 'course - Pictures at 11.

    Bu^Heggers belief.

    Oh, and about timers, isn't there some chemical that would explode in the vicinity of methane? Fart-detonator! If so, all Bradford curry-shops would be being CCTV'd by the plod. Not that they aren't, honest.

  7. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Movies are dangerous

    The guy must have been inspired by Syriana - a fittingly stupid Hollywood movie. Unfortunately for him al-Qaeda obviously did not have enough money for a UCAV-launched Hellfire missile monitored via a satellite link so he had to shove the bomb up his **s* instead.

    See? Movies are indeed dangerous.

  8. Rob 30
    Grenade

    puntastic article!

    i'm sure i am not the only one eagerly awaiting the playmobil reconstruction of this one..

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    One door opens

    the shit gets to hit the fan

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    These are those

    dirty bombs we hear so much about?

  11. The Other Steve
    Coffee/keyboard

    Brown mist ?

    " ... sustained only a minor injury to his hand"

    Where was the prince's hand for it to get injured ?

    "Hassan, come here, what's that ? There's a string hanging out of your fundament. Have you been sticking tea bags up there again ? BISMALLAH-WTF!"

  12. David 66
    WTF?

    @the ex-bomber

    Adds poignancy to lmao. What an arse!

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    So....

    does this mean that all Semtex will now have to be made with an added laxative, just in case?

    Semlax - helping you blow off safely.

    And @AC Re:"Concealing large amounts of... plastique" - I think you're on your own there.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Reg's bomb desk is having a laugh too early

    Bulgarian airbags can be made not only out of silicon ya know...

    Nip and tuck...

  15. An nonymous Cowerd
    Paris Hilton

    airport security

    this ex-AQ operative did manage to transit at least 2 airports and spend a night in prison before surprising the Prince at the ramadan Maglis, whilst fully loaded!. This does not bode well for general airport screening developments!!! take of yer shoes, yer belt and ...

  16. The elephant in the room
    Grenade

    Firing instructions:

    Insert finger through ring & pull!

  17. RMartin

    Fundamentraising

    At last! A great new way for AQ to raise funds by selling art. "Yes sir, its a brave piece from the non-existentialist school, a real one-off in the style of Marc Quinn but with quite a lot more blood, and as you can plainly see, the artist has really put everything into this work. Absolutely everything."

  18. Timothy
    Joke

    What a ...................................

    dis-ass-ter

    hahahahaha

    Runs for the LART shelter!

  19. This post has been deleted by its author

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    You sir, owe me a new monitor

    Poo-chute portage indeed.

  21. demat
    Big Brother

    Poo bombers

    I cant wait for the extra security measures at airports...

  22. Alpha Tony

    You are missing the big picture

    This is no laughing matter - you are missing the evil genius at work here!

    Rather than kill a few of us infidels they have realised that they can inconvenience millions of us in one fell swoop by coming up with the most crazy, hair-brained schemes they can.

    Exploding shoes... Now we all have to take our shoes off at airports.

    Exploding cans of soft drink... Now we can't take a drink or some hair gel in our hand luggage.

    This latest one is absolute evil genius though as obviously to combat this latest threat they are going to have to systematically search all our arses at Heathrow every time we travel.. And as they would need a lot more than 100mls of lube to search the collective orifices of the passengers of the world busiest airport... They'll have to do it without even that. :(

  23. Richard_C
    Paris Hilton

    Dodgy sprout falafel implicated?

    Rectum? No, but it didn't do 'em any good.

    Paris, because she'd know how to hide an improvised device.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    He wasn't a bomber

    He was obviously an arsonist.

    Or is that too obvious?

  25. Lionel Baden

    Jeez

    What an asshole

  26. Ian K
    Grenade

    "Of course we can only speculate regarding the firing system"

    "Prince...pull my finger"

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    I didn't know that

    Apple made adult toys!

  28. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Boffin

    On a practical note....

    Fortunately, it looks like AQ missed the better delivery system. Smugglers have for years been using condoms to smuggle contraband via ingestion. Stories abound of smugglers using mules to swallow several kilos of drugs and the Russians are said to have used condoms to smuggle vodka into the Gulags at three lites per mule! I'm not sure they'd be able to keep it down overnight like the AQ bomber seems to have, but(t) surely that would allow a large enough charge if utilised with a rectally-mounted primer/detonator? The main charge being in the stomach would also reduce the amount of muffling between the bomber and the target. "Point paunch at target, clench buttocks..."

  29. Ian Oliver 1
    Flame

    Airports...

    ....quick, we need a new bizarre, ineffective, contradictory airport security measure to prevent people smuggling 100ml of water concealed up their bottoms...

    ...I for one, will be taking the train...

  30. Eponymous Cowherd
    Coat

    Firing Mechanism

    ***"Of course we can only speculate regarding the firing system furnished by the back-alley bomb makers who stood behind the young terrorist."***

    I suspect they used a deturdnator.

  31. Eponymous Cowherd
    Grenade

    Playmobil

    Please, please, please!

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Gates Horns

    Ass Bomb, how to make

    1 curry burrito

    2 hard boiled eggs

    1 glass cheap beer

    @ AC 12:27 - If you've ever been *really* constipated, Semtex seems like the only solution

    Sniff, sniff, "Ayer el diablo estuvo aquí. Huele a azufre todavía"

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Targetted explosion

    surely the solution would be to wear baggy pants, shit out the explosives after you've been searched, and then point your ass at the Saudi royalty before triggering the explosion by slapping your backside?

  34. stu 4
    Happy

    @Ian K

    Class. absolute class.

  35. foo_bar_baz
    Coffee/keyboard

    Lmao indeed

    Funniest article and comments ever. Bravo. Thanks to AQ for another Black Adderesque episode that gave us so many "jokes about ze breaking ov ze vind". While a sound rebuttal of Saudi tyranny, it was an overly literal take on assassination. Maybe they ought to employ a consultant or two. Maybe someone from Belfast this time, not a CIA mole.

  36. Darren Lovell
    Paris Hilton

    Darwin Award of 2009 surely?

    Surely this is a strong contender for 2009's Darwin Award winner?

    Paris because even she wouldn't be stupid enough to stick an explosive up her crack or jacksie. Actually, I'm not so sure about that, especially if it was a stick of dynamite or something phallic...

  37. Mike Moyle Silver badge
    Coat

    @ foo_bar_baz

    CIA mole...?

    I always thought it was gerbils....

  38. Martin 37
    Thumb Up

    Best line has to be ..

    "In the interests of good taste"

    Honestly.

  39. Andy Enderby 1

    Dear God....

    Priceless as is the AC comment - Pull my finger....

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Good article

    For once an article I agree with you on Lewis.

    Smart people for the most part, aren't even religious. Smart people, most certainly aren't terrorists. Smart people without question, aren't suicide bombers.

    There's a descending level of idiocy you have to descend through to reach each of those stages, starting with believing in god (which you don't have to be too stupid for to be fair) through to believing everything a self-labelled agent of god (priest, sheikh or whatever) tells you, through to being willing to randomly kill civilians to make a point because no one listens to your point otherwise because it's fucking stupid, to ultimately being willing to take your own life to try and better make a point that again, no one was listening to because it was a fucking stupid point.

    This is why I'm not that scared of them, because whilst yes, their idiocy can cause quite a lot of mayhem, ultimately idiocy has limits, and it has a habit of wiping itself out in the face of the more intelligent of society. This is illustrated each time we hear about failed suicide bombings that only blew up the bomber which seems to happen quite often (see Glasgow airport attacks for some example lol material). Ultimately I find it amusing that you would go through possibly 20 odd years off line, spend all that time learning, put all that effort into training yourself only to be told by someone that if you go and blow yourself up amongst a bunch of civilians you'll get to sleep with a billion virgins or whatever- but then, when you actually do it, you end up only throwing your life away, to much amusement to many around the globe and ridicule and laughter from those you were aiming to harm. What a way to go!

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anonymous Coward @ 15.24

    "Smart people for the most part, aren't even religious" Ye. Your whole theory fell apart there.

    If we start thinking like that we will be in trouble. Just because some people make stupid mistakes doesn’t mean terrorist are all dumb. Don't forget at least one of the people involved in the spate of car bombings using gas canisters was a Doctor.

    Perhaps we wouldn’t have so many problems if people stopped looking down on others with different views, rather than trying to change there views. This goes for both the religious and non-religious.

    Anyway, If you were smart you might realise the basis of the problem is not down to religious views but tribalism.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ Alpha Tony

    What do you mean there's no time for lubricant? There is ALWAYS time for lubricant.

    (stolen from the movie Evolution)

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Fire in the hole!

    Burn, burn, burn, the burning ring of fire....

  44. Benj
    Paris Hilton

    @Ian K

    "Pull my finger....." Brilliant!

    Paris - Cus quite a few things have 'gone off' inside her.

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    It finally happened!

    This must be the world's first *actual* buttbuttination attempt!

  46. Fred Flintstone Gold badge
    Coat

    @ He wasn't a bomber

    You, Sir, owe me a new keyboard, hahaha.

    Thanks Lewis - appreciate the humour about the pyrotechnic invasion of the rectal cavity, makes a change from the cranial one.

    As for preventive solutions: easy. It's the same solution as used for a persistent cough: a strong laxative..

    In both cases you wouldn't *dare* coughing..

    /coat

    Mine's the one with the wet wipes..

  47. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    IT Angle

    And

    of course we are very sure of one fact, the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind was his arse.

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    has to be said...

    That would have been a bad day at the orifice then for all concerned...

  49. gollux
    Grenade

    Sorry...

    Hellish bit of indigestion there, Must have been that extra strength Texas Chili I had last night...

  50. Mike Richards

    Almost too awesome

    'Of course we can only speculate regarding the firing system furnished by the back-alley bomb makers who stood behind the young terrorist.'

    That's a masterclass in reportage.

  51. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Oh dear...

    I ... Must ... NOT ... laugh ...

    at the mental picture of some guy blowing his guts out from the inside.

    Oh well... I'll just try harder not to next time!

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Doctors?

    Just because they're doctors, REALLY doesn't make them smart. Believe me, I have to spend time working with them.

    Qualifications really are NOT grounds for marking intelligence. Just because one of these Dr's has got their own surgery, doesn't mean they're intellegent. Or even clinically safe in some conditions. I've spoken to many that are wonderful, they're specialised, but don't have a clue about most things outside their field of expertise, and then there are the ones that somehow haven't been sued for malpractice yet. But I digress..

    The response I see alot about people's thoughs about most terrorists are comparable to a monkey with a gun. Sure, when it's somewhere else, it's a monkey with a gun. When it's near you, you're twitchy and you want it dead or elsewhere. Sure, it probably doesn't know what it's doing, and might not hit you. Wanna take that chance?

  53. SirTainleyBarking
    Badgers

    Next time al qaeda should use ex lax

    Honestly who hasn't had a dose of constipation that you knew that only a stick of dynamite would shift?

    I just hope he didn't use a traditional fuse and a match

  54. E 2
    FAIL

    @Anonymous Coward 21st September 2009 15:24 GMT

    Not correct. That most A are not B does not imply that some B cannot be an instance of A.

    There are many reasons to become a suicide bomber, and there is some reason to believe that what is driving some or many of 'em in the middle east is either brainwashing or despair. You think someone yelling "Insh' Allah" is automatically a religious zealot, but if you listen closer or beyond that, you find a lot of people in the middle east who: (a) want their despotic gov'ts gone; (b) want the big powers out of their oil fields and politics; (c) have no better idea how to achieve it that you or I would were we in their shoes.

    Western military forces have traditionally used some species of Christian religious ceremonies - that never made them Christian zealots, did it?

    Raise your game, AC, try to understand what is really also going on in the world.

  55. Pablo

    @Alpha Tony

    I don't know if you're serious, but there's a grain of truth to that. As devastating as the 9-11 attack itself was, I've often thought that in terms of total disruption, all the resulting security measures were worse. Certainly if you count the wars.

  56. LRE
    Alien

    I've had curries worse than that

    or as someone said on Fark: "Taco Bell suing for patent infringement"

    Alien for ... well, guess

  57. E 2

    @Pablo

    Despite the dead on 9/11 and the dollar value of the destruction of the WTC buildings & damage to the Pentagon, those attacks were in comparison to the scale of the USA economy nothing more than pin pricks. Their effect was overwhelmingly political not economic, and it is very hard to believe bin Laden intended anything other than a political effect.

    Indeed the WTC was long held by it's sheer size to have distorted the market for office space in Manhattan. It was not built in response to market demand, but rather to satisfy the egos of the people who ran the NYC port authority.

  58. nsld
    Paris Hilton

    I wouldnt want a job at airport security

    "pop your shoes on the conveyor please sir"

    "thank you, now drop your kecks, touch your toes and brace yourself I am coming in"

    "just rummaging for explosives now sir, dont worry, I am well insured if my hand gets blown off!"

    "thank you , have a nice flight"

    As you walk away like John Wayne.

    Paris, make your own filthy anecdote up, she's probably done it

  59. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Wow, what an effort!

    I don't know whether that Darwin Award goes to the individual, or whether the countries invloved each get a merit award.

    whatever, Bravo!

  60. Lyle Dietz

    Well now,

    That's explosive diarrhoea all right

  61. Winkypop Silver badge
    Joke

    interior minister

    quite

  62. Andy Dent 2
    Grenade

    Anyone remember Live Wire?

    The Pierce Brosnan 1992 flick http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104743/ featured a liquid explosive that looked just like water but was triggered by contact with normal water including when people drank it. Now *that's* an internal explosive device!

    All we need now is to have some polly fall asleep in front of the telly, wake up during a late-night rerun and think it''s a documentary and we'll have a total water ban in vulnerable public transport and buildings!

  63. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
    Coat

    The real plan?

    Have the Prince and his staff succumbed to the deadly bacteria spread by the blast?

    Mine's the kevlar labcoat.

  64. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

    Re: Anyone remember Live Wire?

    Ahh Pierce Brosnan's pre-Bond movie career...

    The premise in that movie was actually that the mysterious chemical would explode on contact with "acid", hence people exploding upon ingestion of the stuff.

  65. Peter Day

    Odds & Sods

    Would not this news item be more appropriately listed under Odds and Sods News?

  66. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coat

    Shouldn't that be

    Al Arsi, the arsassin?

  67. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Can't believe that

    no one pointed out that this was the world's first suicide bummer!

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Funny yes, but dangerous too...

    This is surely amusing - when you gotta go you gotta go...

    However, it's not too much of a push, or a stretch, to imagine said bomber could crap out a real bomb pre-detonation and do some real harm. (If he could do it with a straight face that is!) Hi, I, hurrnnnnnnnnngg, resign...

    Hell, a really ass-tute one might be able to devise a bend-over-aim-fire rocket system strong enough to escape the body's own built-in tractor beam system...

    Perhaps the only real solution to this situation is mandatory butt-plugs with embedded RFID.

  69. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Wadda Way To Go!

    Imagine the sequence.....

    Brain says click this switch.

    Something goes fzzzzz in your chocolate channel.

    Something goes boom in your fudge canal.

    Meltdown occurs in the nether region.

    Brain gets a signal along the lines of "get me outta here!".

    Lots of excruciating pain. The heart is probably still pumping oxygen in the general direction of the brain (the heart being diametrically opposite the body trunk and protected by squidgy fat etc), keeping the brain alive for possibly a few seconds before the life support system goes offline.

    No sir, there are different ways to kiss your @rse goodbye but this isn't the way I'd want to do it. Even if it were in the most physical sense possible (as your @rse would probably pass by your lips, so pucker up there....).

    And Paris because I can't get cavities out of my mind.....

  70. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Well, that must've taken balls

    In fact, I think he missed a couple of tricks there to increase his payload. Hell, why not, it's not as though he'd have had any more use for 'em;)! Can I patent the concept of a bollock bomber? There has to be one some time and when there is, I've got 'em with prior art;)! That'll teach 'em!

    He really ought to have role-played a few scenarios to help him surreptitiously orientate his bum bomb for maximum bummage. Here's one I prepared earlier:

    Bummer: "Hey Prince, howyoudoing?"

    Prince: "Cool my brother from another mother."

    Bummer: "Hey Price, you know I can fart the entire Koran?"

    Prince: "Geddyfugouttahere!"

    Bummer: "No shit! Fo schizzle, ma princely nizzle. They called me al Petomane last time I rocked the Kasbah!"

    Prince: "Hit me!"

    al Petomane then has the perfect excuse to point his arse at the price and take his head off with his coccyx, or something. As for a detonator, how about the world's first suicide ferret? "Fire in the hold!"

    BMAO! Blow my arse off, as if you hadn't guessed;).

  71. lukewarmdog
    Joke

    Guy was a

    royal pain in the ass.

    Course when he ressurects to all those virgins and realises he blew his knob off in the explosion, he's going to be a bit gutted. No more shooting his load for this guy.

  72. S Larti
    Grenade

    It's a bum rap!

    But you got him bang to rights.

    And, read in a Sean Connery accent:

    "How did you discover he had a bomb up his arse?"

    "Alimentary, my dear Watson!"

  73. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    Suicide bummer

    One of INXS's best;)!

  74. Juan Inamillion
    Coat

    Was it a rear guard action?

    Is all....

  75. Mike 137 Silver badge

    Arsenal redefined?

    A new weapon in the terrorists' arsenal?

  76. PerfectBlue

    Hmm

    Sadly, I fear that Alpha Tony may be right.

    Shoe bomber = shoes must are removed during an airport security check

    liquid bomber = liquids are restricted on flights

    body cavity bomber = white latex glove time?

    I'm just waiting for the first person to be detained without trial by DHS for refusing to submit to a body cavity search by airport staff. I'm betting that they will be a young Asian man with a foreign accent. It's no joke. The ACLU is probably already preparing a defense fund in anticipation.

  77. Anonymous Coward
    Grenade

    <Inspector Clouseau>There's a beumb in the bumb

    <Inspector Clouseau>There's a beumb in the bumb</Inspector Clouseau>

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