back to article Hollywood prepares to battle Asteroids

Universal Studios is preparing to bring Atari video game Asteroids to the big screen, despite the fact that the classic offers "no story line or fancy world-building mythology", as the Hollywood Reporter puts it. Screen grab of the original Asteroids The studio, lacking the kind of supplied narrative which made Lara Croft: …

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  1. Paul Murphy 1
    Paris Hilton

    Shirley you jest

    >It will, wait for it, "create a plot from scratch" - stop that crazy talk since between 'The Last Starfighter' and 'Impact' Hollywood has more than enough source material to draw on.

    Also like the idea of the bizarre Wii fit accident - I suspect you are a Spinal Tap fan Lester.

    pew pew, rotate, thrust.

    Whereas for PH it's 'thrust, thrust' then 'pew, pew'

    ttfn

  2. Kevin Johnston
    Coffee/keyboard

    Please - no more

    I know it is a Friday and this is the way of Friday stories but I only have one spare keyboard left after reading the suggested cast-list and synopsis.

  3. Alien8n Silver badge
    FAIL

    Soundtrack?

    So will it all be set to a cheesy pop soundtrack with pointless dance routines then?

    Can I be the first to name the large asteroid that's doing the most threatening Emma?

  4. Tom 15

    Is this not...

    Is this not a Futurama plot but with Asteroids instead of Space Invaders?

  5. Rosco

    El Reg plot

    They could incorporate Ender's Game into El Reg's suggested plot, just to really hack off some sci-fi fans

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    Oh my...

    New Icons and possibly another Hollywood Flop about Asteroids...

    New keyboard please... because the last one got burnt from the menacing asteroids!!!

  7. B3vil
    Grenade

    Interactive Asteroids

    Are you sure this isn't for that 'interactive pre-movie game' there was a prior article about.. where the crowd must wave their hands around like lunatics to avoid ... asteroids ?

  8. P Saunders
    Paris Hilton

    I'll be waiting for the Pac-Man movie

    ...and its sequel, Ms Pac-Man. Then, of course, the summer release of Space Invaders, Galaxian and Dig Dug rounding off with the multi-award winning, 3-movie saga of Lunar Lander.

    Paris, 'cause of her groundbreaking dramatic work in The Hottie and the Nottie.

  9. chris 50
    FAIL

    LOL!!!!

    Cominf to a cinema near you - Tetris: The Movie!

    Please save us all....

  10. Ray0x6
    Pint

    I foresee...

    A cross between The Last Starfighter and Rugrats Go W^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Armageddon. Where's the Asteroids icon?

  11. eJ2095

    Remind me of

    80s film called "The Last Starfighter"

  12. Conrad Longmore
    Alien

    Dark Star

    Sounds vaguely like a remake of Dark Star, but probably without the brilliant talking bomb and beachball with claws. Probably with less beards too.

  13. g e

    Crikey

    Almost as bizarre as ASCAP bending people over for their ringtones.

    But not quite...

    I like your plotline. Could we also add human-unfriendly aliens, who, once the hoomans save one of their few remaining hive ships from asteroidal collision befriend humanity, setting aside their differences, in a 'Why can't we all just get along' and 'World Peace' type subtextual parable for the world to ingest?

    (Ingest then promptly vomit...)

  14. Stef 4
    Thumb Up

    Tetris

    Anyone seen the fake trailer for the Tetris film on youtube? It is rather good and sums up this kind of idea perfectly.

    Hollywood always does this. e.g. take the title of a book "i,Robot" and make a film that has nothing to do with it. "Asteroids" is no different.

  15. This post has been deleted by its author

  16. Rod MacLean
    WTF?

    Astef*ckingroids?

    You're making this up, admit it!

    Even Hollywood wouldn't stoop as low as -er wait a minute. OK I believe you now.

  17. Dave Murray
    Coat

    Cuba Gooding Jnr Should have a bigger part

    see title

  18. SmallYellowFuzzyDuck, how pweety!
    Coffee/keyboard

    Standard format for a Hollywood action film.

    Spend half an hour setting up the plot, in this case "Insert coin"

    Then two hours of "Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew!"

    You won't be able to pick it out from the other crop of action films these days.

  19. Kane Silver badge
    Go

    @ Soundtrack?

    More to the point, will it have a training montage?

    Gotta have a montage....

  20. alistair millington
    Pint

    The plot actually works

    I can see it and it works. Completely wrong however. Wrong on every possible level.

    What next, a plot about Tetris and menacing blocks that once arranged in a line explode devastating cities.

    Or terrorists threaten the world with mine sweeper???????

    Holly wood has gone nuts.

  21. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Titanic Quarter Master Pilot Plottings.

    Lester,

    I think you will find that Holywood, and not Hollywood, is the Universal Centre for Imaginative Space Scripting nowadays.

  22. Tzael

    The scene everyone will remember...

    "Missile launched sir, the impending menace of the asteroid will soon be gone!"

    ...

    *BOOM!* (or the equivalent of a missile hitting an asteroid in space)

    "Ohmigosh, the asteroid split up into smaller asteroids, we're doomed!!!"

    *panning view of lots of very scared military faces*

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Only you can save mankind

    An evil alien monkey race, having already wiped out the ancient space invader civilisation now threatens to destroy the intergalactic nature reserve that is the asteroid belt.....

    Perhaps they will get away with it because TP won't remember it was his book.

  24. adrian lynch
    Coat

    More great film ideas

    It's about time hollywood took a look at making a big budget film based on draughts. Or possibly Ludo.

  25. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    re:P Saunders Posted Friday 3rd July 2009 10:35 GMT

    rounding off with the multi-award winning, 3-movie saga of Lunar Lander.

    Lets hope they use the proper lunder lander program that just had a text read out of thruster setting, speed and height.

    "Thats one small slip on the thruster key, one giant hole in the moon"

  26. Simon 79
    FAIL

    What about Joust??!?

    Or even Chucky Egg...

    Now the Joust one could be fun - then again it would probably come out something like a Knights Tale but without Heath Ledger....

  27. Balefire

    What about Defender?

    Surely that has far more plot potential (not that I can think of one atm) than asteroids?

  28. chris 50

    Game tie-it?

    Do you think they'll make an Asteroids game to tie-in with the movie?

  29. Daniel 1

    I suggest Frogger: The Movie

    Bruce Willis, in a frog costume, jumping backwards and forwards, across a busy road. It's got to be done.

  30. Olly Simmons
    Coat

    Nice pitch

    Like that plot outline, except that's the plot from The Last Starfighter isn't it ?

  31. Martin 49

    What about....

    There's the little flying saucers to think about.

    Plus the horrendous problems of how to handle the physics of "circular space"

    so that everything that flies off in one direction comes back in from the other side.

    Hmm.... They won't need to shell out for colour film though.

  32. Tony Smith (Written by Reg staff)

    @Martin 49

    Circular space?

    Just Einstein's General Theory on a 12in(?) CRT

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    re: Cuba Gooding Jnr Should have a bigger part

    I heard that his small part is *why* they nicknamed him "Junior".

    *ba-dumf-tisshhhh*

  34. YumDogfood

    Defender...

    Oh, wait. That was the x files. Nobody mentioned the filum 'Meteor' (RIP Karl Malden) yet?

    /The one with the DVD of 'On the Waterfront' in the pocket.

  35. The Fuzzy Wotnot
    WTF?

    Oh FFS!

    Hollywood wonders why piracy is so high! Does anyone in Hollywood have a) any originality anymore b) any balls to take a chance on a new idea?

    Tell you what how about these?

    Horace Goes Skiing - Brad Pitt plays the plucky little fluff-ball trying to errm, well ski I suppose!

    Ant Attack - Brad Pitt plays the plucky hero trying to avoid, well the ants attacking I suppose!

    Roland on The Ropes - Jude Law beefs up in his role as the plucky rope climbing hero.

    Lunar Jetman - Val Kilmer ( he'll be in a space suit so we won't have to look at his face! ) comes out of retirement to play the plucky hero destined to bounce across the moon surface!

  36. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Nic Cage on line one...

    ...apparently he's up for the lead role in my musical remake of 'Pong' also starring the late Peter Lorre as the evil 'bat on the right'.

  37. Naich

    Coming soon

    I thought they were taking the piss with this

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs

    But it seems Hollywood has gone one better.

  38. Annihilator
    Thumb Up

    Rasterized projectors

    Please...

  39. Jonathan 12
    Go

    Torrent!

    I'll look forward to downloading this off ThePirateB........ oh, wait... no!

  40. JP Strauss
    Alien

    Yet they don't make the obvious ones...

    ...like Half Life, Crysis, Bioshock, Starcraft, etc.

  41. Raspy32

    Hmm

    Look on the bright side.....at least there won't be a plot for Hollywood to ruin.....

    Michael Bay is the perfect choice for it, as we can go to the cinema, be wowed by the special effects for 30 seconds and spend the next 110 minutes or so wondering what we could have got for our money if we hadn't wasted it on going to see one of his films.

  42. James Hughes 1

    More video games ripe for movie versions

    DigDug - (Already done as Tremors?)

    Bubble Bobble

    Mr Do (this would be a classic)

    Centipede/Millpede

    Star Wars.....Oh, has that one already been done? Bet the film isn't as good as the game

    Dragons Lair/Space Ace. Not too much work needed there I guess.

    Phoenix

    Defender (with the best opening musical note of any game)

    Ah, the joys of proper games....thank god for Mame.

  43. Andy Cadley
    WTF?

    Surely they've missed a trick?

    Asteroids: It has no plot whatsoever, it consists entirely of lots of shooting and big things exploding.

    And they didn't give this to Michael Bay?

  44. Brutus

    What title?

    Manic Miner FTW!

  45. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Balls for the Register .... which could please Ms Bee and the Ladies.

    Does anyone else here think that El Reg and El Regers could Seed a Series of Movies with an IT Base of Allied XXXXSScripts.

    And when a Thought Shared is Supported, is IT Squared rather than Doubled and thus is Exponential Growth the Natural Norm of even the Simplest of IT Programs, putting them very soon way out in Front ....... and Leading Everything.

    Wanna Play AI Beta Great Game, El Reg, .....with the Banks Footing the Bill/Funding ITs Projects?

    Which is a Perfectly Crazy Offer Ideally Suited to a Boozy Friday Afternoon at the Bar Office....... and when one Considers the Number of Inventions which have been Born of Liquid Alcoholic Refreshment, it would be no Stealthy Surprise to Many or Any, should IT be a BlockBuster MegaMetaData Success.

    One could even Tempt Paris and the Hilton Chain Gang into the Plot and IT ...... for Businesses are always looking to Diversify and Hedge their Bets.

  46. Witty username

    re:

    Search youtube (at work and such luxuries are not avalible to me) for the fake Minesweeper movie trailer. its brilliant!

  47. Sooty

    Seriously??

    Hollywood will "create a plot from scratch"?

    Please tell me there will be a film crew present to record this unprecedented event.

  48. Ed Blackshaw Silver badge

    @The Fuzzy Wotnot

    "Roland on The Ropes - Jude Law beefs up in his role as the plucky rope climbing hero."

    -Surely that would be a horror/slasher movie, what with the killer bats, followed by ghosts and later vampires. Come to think of it, it shouldn't have Jude Law - it should be Wesley 'Duane Dibley' Snipes...

  49. Steen Hive

    Might as well have

    Jean-Claude Van Damme in the lead and a title of "Ah, Steroids"

  50. MinionZero
    WTF?

    Huh?!

    I can't wait to buy the film sound track. DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, powowowowowowowowow, DU du, DU du, DU du, DU du, powowowowowowowowow

    Classic. I have 3 albums already.

    Wow Hollywood, what next, Tetris parts 1, 2 and 3, the revenge of falling blocks.

  51. NogginTheNog
    Happy

    To be TRULY authentic...

    It'll have to be shot in black and white :-D

  52. SmallYellowFuzzyDuck, how pweety!
    Pint

    @Brutus

    Oh yeah, I can hear the theme music to the film now:

    Do do do do de do dah de do dah de dah do do do do do do do do do do dooo do do do

  53. Robert Moore
    Thumb Up

    Another classic begging for a movie

    Astro Chicken.

  54. jonathan keith

    And the Oscar for best performance in a supporting role goes to...

    ... Asteroid 1138 Attica.

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: I'll be waiting for the Pac-Man movie

    Will this do while you wait?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pac-Man_(TV_series)

  56. James O'Brien
    Alert

    @AMFM

    I want to commission you to write a script for Pong. Should be more interesting then Asteroids the Movie.

    We could have Tom Hanks as one of the paddles after his stunning table tennis playing in Forrest Gump, get good ol' Armie to be the other one for the obligiatory "I'll be back" when he loses and setup a sequel. Pong the Return.....

    Please tell me this isnt serious, because if so I'm going to sign myself into a looney bin.

  57. not'known@this.address
    Alien

    ELITE!!

    Why bother with Asteroids, there's a whole galaxy (or 8) of adventures just floating around.

    Or, for a more updated, open-source version, try OOLITE. There's even some brilliant fanfic based on Oolite out there that beats The Dark Wheel any day of the week...

    Dammit, where's my coat with the fuzzy, slimy frogs and Alterian Poets in the pockets, and "Hoot if you love Trumbles" on the back?

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Troll

    re: bat on the right

    wouldnt that be maggie thatcher?

  59. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Madness .... Man's Initial Default Intelligence State?

    "Please tell me this isnt serious, because if so I'm going to sign myself into a looney bin." ... By James O'Brien Posted Friday 3rd July 2009 16:50 GMT

    James,

    I can only speak for myself of course, and am always serious, and it is as well to realise that there are always a lot more outside than inside the looney bin, so you may feel right at home, and be much more comfortable, here.

    I wonder how many Shrinks/Opinionated Professional Listeners? find Time to Play in this Registered Space?

  60. Mr Bear
    Alien

    The Cards Trilogy

    I'm waiting for the Cards Trilogy to be made.

    Solitaire - The Quest to do 3 Card Turnover.

    Hearts - The Queen of Spades' Revenge.

    Freecell and the Trapped Ace of Frustration.

    Spider Solitaire and the Suits of Doom.

    Yeah, I know a trilogy is 3 films, but when has that ever stopped Hollywood?

  61. ZenCoder

    Crap ....

    I was half way finished with my screenplay based on Pong.

  62. storng.bare.durid
    WTF?

    How about Pong: The Movie

    How about it, eh?

  63. Skymonrie
    Pirate

    The story of 1-inch adventurers

    What about Ultra 3-D Pinball? Seperating the epilectic from the person who falls asleep :o

    Hollywood is so SHIT

  64. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Re. The Cards Trilogy .... Posted Saturday 4th July 2009 12:19 GMT

    Mr Bear,

    That was very Mornington Crescent of you. And there everyone is, imagining IT stops Hollywood dead in her curvaceous tracks.

    For the Love of a Good Gamey XSSXXXXual Script keeps Hollywood always as a Cowboy Outfit, hitting on the Punters for More with Less though ....... and that no longer computes? Certainly Arnie "I'll be Back" could do with a new Magical Mystery Formula to keep the Lights on in the Sunshine State. Something Hot to steal the Harry Limelight from Washington DC and Wall Street Hacks and Hackers/Code Crackers.

  65. Neoc
    Stop

    @Martin49, @Tony Smith

    <quote>Plus the horrendous problems of how to handle the physics of "circular space"</quote>

    Physics 101:

    Actually folks, the "Asteroid" universe is toroidal (i.e. doughnut-shaped): You can move from the top to the bottom (screen folds into a tube) and from side to side (tube joins up to make a "doughnut").

  66. skeptical i
    Happy

    What, no Berzerk?

    "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!"

    Since George Bush is unemployed, he can play Evil Otto.

  67. JP Strauss

    @Freecell: Trapped Ace of Frustration.

    I can see Woody Allen directing this one.

  68. jon 72
    Paris Hilton

    Video games on the silver screen

    Super Mario Brothers 1993

    Wing Commander 1999

    Tomb Raider 2001

    Doom 2005

    Paris: because I'd rather play with her

  69. Tony Paulazzo
    Alien

    Asteroid: The Revenge

    x2311 and x6574 had been friends ever since failing to coalesce into one of Jupiters moons four billion years ago. Errant orbital trajectories had sent them spinning out into the oort cloud where they had discovered their shared love of solar wind. x6574 had gone walkabout some years previously but been destroyed by Earth when it sailed too close to the blue eyed monster. x2311 was out for revenge, its planned orbital trajectory was to slingshot it round Saturn, tearing it into a thousand smaller pieces headed directly for Earth.

    As acclaimed poet asteroid x8352 had once said, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold.'

  70. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    What about Robotron 2084?

    Robotron 2084 has ALL the ingredients for a fantastic Sci-Fi movie:

    Killer robots, humans needing to be saved, and a genetically enhanced superhero.

    FUCK ASTEROIDS!!!

    Mind you, I remember playing asteroids in Aviemore ice rink 20+ years ago, the game creeped me out for some reason....

  71. Bod

    Time to...

    Get Sean signed up. He's the real grandad of asteroid films. Oh wait, that was Meteor though (which was daft anyway as the film was about an Asteroid whereas Meteors are much smaller).

    But anyway, Asteroids has been done. See the Asteroid Field scene in Empire Strikes Back. No one can top that (especially with the John Williams score).

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