back to article Bloke uses nail clippers to go roundhead

A medic at Lister Hospital in Stevenage, Hertfordshire, has advised men against attempting DIY circumcision with nail clippers, after a young man who'd decided this was the best way to go roundhead was admitted for emergency treatment. Staff disinfected the unnamed victim's wound, and he was dispatched to an observation ward …

COMMENTS

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  1. Toastan Buttar
    WTF?

    Coming up next...

    ...advice that you shouldn't hammer nails into your kneecaps.

  2. Niall 1
    WTF?

    Nail Clippers?

    Can't have been very big. Now me I would needed a garden shears.

    How long to I have to wait before I can get my legs to uncross after reading the headline?

  3. Rory Webber
    WTF?

    No

    No. No. Uh-uh. No. Nope. No.

    *backs out of room*

  4. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    IT angle?!

    Maybe a bored It worker?

  5. Rob
    FAIL

    :-O

    "Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand."

    No shit Sherlock

  6. Paul Murphy 1
    Paris Hilton

    Ouch ouch ouch

    Somethings cannot be un-imagined.

    Darwin would have been proud.

    ttfn

    Oh - no Darwin icon? oh well better use PH since at least she can't try this at home.

  7. Will
    Joke

    What a bell end

    or lack of!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    if you saw the women in Stevenage

    You would be hacking at your manhood with any blunt instrument.

    Yet another reason to nuke Stevenage and turn it into a car park.

    Paris, not likely to be seen in the 'nage

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    WTF?!

    How many snips exactly did this guy inflict on himself to complete the job... Assuming he did actually complete it?

    I could possibly understand it being a good idea after about 20 pints, but surely the first "snip" of the nail scissors would have resulted in a rapid return to reality!

    Paris, cos she treats her members more gently.

  10. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    Roundhead, or......

    "....such a cavalier fashion....."

    I can see what you did there.

    Mine doublet and buffe coate if ye pleaseth.

  11. Chris Collins

    Weakling

    Real men use soldering irons

  12. Sparx
    IT Angle

    Wheres the IT angle?

    Bored / mental IT worker?

  13. Neil 4
    Happy

    Observation ward

    Is this where they can all go to point and laugh at him?

  14. frank ly Silver badge

    Subtle jokes and more..

    So, he went roundhead in a cavalier fashion..... Sex related jokes mixed up with historical references, breaking tech news....El Reg has it all :)

  15. Neil 30
    WTF?

    Incredible powers of deduction here;

    "Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand."

    No shit Sherlock!

  16. Steven 1
    FAIL

    Title

    I dare any bloke to have read that and not winced...

  17. Helldesk Dogsbody
    WTF?

    Ouch!

    There is just no way that I can conceive of any situation where this would seem like a good idea. Even totally ratarsed and completely out of my tree it would appear as a less than cunning plan.

    This bloke is clearly either barking mad or on a serious cocktail of reality altering pharmaceuticals.

  18. The Original Ash
    Coffee/keyboard

    "Roundhead"

    "cavalier fashion"

    Win.

  19. 4a$$Monkey
    WTF?

    FFS WHY?

    Why? Just why would you do that?

  20. David Hendy
    FAIL

    lol

    what a nob.

  21. Andy Blackburn
    FAIL

    Nailclippers...

    ... you're doing it wrong!

    *Insert reference to feline playing an electronic, synthesised, piano type instrument*

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Ouch

    ouch;

    ohhhh.

    OUCH

    FUCK!!!!!

    Ouch.

  23. Andrew Macdonald
    Coffee/keyboard

    Aaaarrrgghh!!!!

    New keyboards, please. A Darwin Award winner in the making?

  24. Jon Brindley
    WTF?

    Nothing

    There is nothing remotely good about this story :-/

  25. Jon Thompson 2
    FAIL

    What kind of madman...

    ...tries to do a DIY circumcision with nail clippers? Seriously.

  26. Frank Bough
    Thumb Up

    I had a small mole...

    ...that I removed with (new, straight-edged) nail clippers (sterilised) and a couple of cotton wool balls soaked in surgical spirit. Teenage home surgery is fun! No trace of the offending mole now remains...

  27. Dan 10
    WTF?

    A *few* drinks?!

    Words fail me, but I had to comment while crossing my legs...

  28. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
    Pint

    I don't get it

    There isn't enough alcohol in the world to get me to do something like this! Surely you should black out before self-circumcision seems like a good idea?

    Oh well, I suppose another contribution to natural selection should be welcomed.

    I suppose the beer icon is a natural, though I suspect the 'illicit moonshine with traces of wood alcohol' symbol would do better if you had one.

    Amateur surgery should be left to the professionals.

    To quote Ranulph Fiennes:

    Nearly four months later, Sir Ranulph had become impatient by the sight of the blackened finger tops, which had shrivelled and mummified.

    Utterly impassively, he recounts the grisly DIY amputation. 'I took the Black & Decker vice from my tool shed and with the micro saw blade, I cut off the dead finger and thumb ends of my left hand. I did it slowly and carefully. When it bled, or was painful, I moved the saw away from the living flesh to the damaged flesh.

    'Yes, I did have to cut into my own bone, but it was very shrivelled - the whole thing was like the flesh of a corpse. I put on a dressing to mop up the blood. I did it for financial reasons. I would have had to pay £6,000 to have it done by a surgeon.'

    sorry about the source, it's what came up when I searched: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-446399/How-Ranulph-Fiennes-sawed-fingertips-save-6-000-surgery-bill.html

  29. T-Bo
    Alert

    Ouch

    Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch

  30. Wize

    Surly it would have taken several snips

    They say the first cut is the deepest, but the second one would be harder, knowing what pain the first caused.

  31. ReadyPeople
    Joke

    roundheads / cavaliers?

    roundheads adopting cavalier attitudes - that could have ended the English Civil War a lot sooner !

  32. Mike 119
    IT Angle

    Oh lordy

    Why, just why.

  33. Eden
    FAIL

    Notable Mention

    Surely a candidate for honourable mention in the Darwin awards.

  34. D@v3
    FAIL

    Is it really such a big deal...?

    that its worth risking permanant damage, rather than wait till the next day and go to the doc's ( or where ever you would go to get it done propperly)

  35. Egons Proton Pack
    Joke

    Nail Clippers?

    The name says it all...Nail clippers...

    Surley he should have used a "Pipe" cutter instead..

    I'll get me coat....

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Aaargh

    Any male read that without flinching / crossing his legs?

    Ouch!

  37. Tim Schomer
    Coat

    Before anyone else starts

    'He must feel a right Dick now...'

    OK, OK, the one with the garden shears in the pocket...

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Can this be marked "MMYCUIABAW"?

    ...Might make you curl up in a ball and whimper.

  39. Anonymous John
    Happy

    "dispatched to an observation ward bed"

    A bed with a hole cut in the top sheet about half way up?

  40. Tim Schomer
    Paris Hilton

    Just a thought,

    if it gets infected & drops off, would he be elligible for a Darwin?

    PH, 'cos she'd know a Cavalier from a Roundhead...

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    OUCH!

    That's all I can really say, other than F***ing OUCH!!!!

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    what a...

    knob

  43. Rob 63

    owch

    wtf, what an idiot

  44. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Flipping Heck.

    I mean, like, flipping heck. With nail clippers.

    Flipping, flipping heck.

  45. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: IT angle?!

    It doesn't have quite the same angle it used to.

  46. Lloyd
    FAIL

    Nah

    Mine's got rings in it anyway so why would I?

  47. Trevor 3
    WTF?

    @Ms Bee

    OMG, LOL

    But seriously.

    How bored would you have to be?

    I've watched a few long installs in my time, but never long enough to think

    "Hmm, I know what will while away the time. I'll chop my own foreskin off! Let's see, screwdriver....no, bulldog clip...no, what shall I use...oooh! NAIL SCISSORS!! That'll do it"

    Good job he's not a tree surgeon!

  48. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Nah

    But you don't like to draw attention to it. I understand.

  49. lardheppus
    Grenade

    To quote the bard

    Twas the most unkindest cut of all.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    IT angle?!

    Probably working with Crystal Reports.

    Now, where are my nail clippers might try a little trepanation....

  51. Bobsch

    Observation?

    I want to see this guy's face when the med students make their rounds.

  52. ClammyLammy
    Alert

    Reminds me of...

    One of the first interweb stories that made me feel severely uncomfortable about a chap who did something very similar and then wrote up a thorough description.

    Ah, a quick Googling has turned it up:

    http://www.male-initiation.net/library/passages/greg.html

    Enjoy :)

    Clam.

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Reminds me of a joke...

    So Joseph the Mohel goes to see Lionel the bag maker.

    "Joseph! My old friend, what can I do for you?" asks Lionel.

    "I want you to make me a special bag for my tools and equipment, so that everyone will know what is my proud profession when I am about town", replies Joseph.

    "But Joseph, you are a Mohel! How can I make a bag for you that shows this?" exclaims Lionel.

    "So you see, Lionel, I have thought of this. For a year I have been saving the removed skin when I perform the brit milah, I want you to make the bag out of these. Then everyone will know what it is that I do."

    Well, Lionel is not sure if it is a good idea but agrees and Joseph gives him a bag of all these little scraps of leathery skin.

    Weeks later, when Joseph returns Lionel proudly shows him the most delicate and beautiful instrument case he has ever seen but...

    "Lional!", Joseph exclaims, "It is without doubt the most finely crafted bag I have ever seen but I don't think I can even fit a pair of tweezers in to it, let alone all my equipment!"

    "Ahhh!" nods Lionel, "Sure it can take all your instruments. Just give it a little rub first, eh!"

  54. Andus McCoatover

    @Steven 1

    <<I dare any bloke to have read that and not winced...>>

    Godalmighty, I didn't want to read that until nagging curiousity got the better of me.

    I remember having to goto hospital to "turn kosher" due to problems when I was 8. Christ, even with painkillers, it fuc'king hurt*, esp. when the blood leaked and my old fellah stuck to the bedclothes, which were then unceremoneously ripped off by a nurse. AAAAAGHHHH!

    But then, in better shape than my devoutly Christian mate, who never 'tested' his thingy before marriage (You know what the're like. None of this Carradine rubbish). On his honeymoon, he found the pain so excruciating trying to 'get it up-an-in' it ruined the honeymoon - they had to wait until after the op. - and then a couple of weeks - before it was possible to consummate the marriage. Bloody frustrating, when you've been a resolute - not even a handjob - virgin for 25 years, then find it's impossible.

    Well, his widowed wife's a grannie now, so something obviously was OK. Kids look a bit like the milkman, tho' ;-) I was best man at the wedding. Should've brought my nail clippers....

    *Of course it was general anasthetic, but you wake up at some point soon after.

  55. Niall 1
    Joke

    @Lloyd

    So...you've got ringworm?

  56. JohnG Silver badge

    Thanks for the tip

    "...advised men against attempting DIY circumcision with nail clippers."

    @Tim Schomer - Maybe he's already a Darwin Awards candidate: "...long-lasting and quite an effect on a man's sexual performance."

  57. Helldesk Dogsbody
    Coat

    I doubt..

    ...that he'll discuss what made him do it. I'd imagine it's a bit of a sore point.

  58. Daniele Futtorovic
    Thumb Up

    Missing something (sic)

    Hold on a second.

    "This is something we would advise men never to attempt. The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an effect on a man's sexual performance."

    There it is, black on white. Yet no mention whatsoever that this barbarism is inflicted onto children every day (not even talking about excision and infibulation).

    Stunning.

  59. Alistair Wall
    Pint

    Why?

    He is demonstrating his genetic fitness by his ability to endure pain and recover from injury - nowadays, drinking a lot of beer is not enough to set him apart from the competition.

    The girls will be queuing up when he comes out of hospital.

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Re : Sarah Bee

    You're enjoying this aren't you?

    You're sitting there thinking about all the bored IT workers reading this article and whimpering. Trying to write comments with their legs platted.

    Bet you think this is FUNNY!

    Wimmin.

  61. Mark Greenwood

    Mad?

    "This bloke is clearly either barking mad or on a serious cocktail of reality altering pharmaceuticals."

    He's from Stevenage.

    (Works better if you say it in a Sybill Fawlty voice).

  62. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm all in favour of amateur surgery.

    I drunkenly snipped off some of my own jawbone after a rather messy tooth extraction wouldn't heal up properly. At the next checkup my dentist said that I'd made an excellent job of it, although he could have done it in a more sterile environment and with better painkillers.

    Having said that, I'd never attempt what that poor fellow did.

  63. Chris C

    Why?

    Why is it that men flinch or cross their legs whenever something happens to another man's genitals? I'm a man, and I've never understood it. It's not happening to you, so why are you flinching? You don't flinch when someone else gets shot. You don't flinch when another man gets his face slapped by a woman. So why this?

    "The girls will be queuing up when he comes out of hospital."

    You never know. After all, John Bobbit did get a lot of female attention after his ordeal. He even became something of a (very minor) porn star.

  64. Snoopy
    Pint

    ha ha ha.... give it a go!

    That's one way to remove his DNA from the gene pool....

  65. John 48
    Go

    You could charge money for a service like that

    Say £50 a time - plus tips.

  66. James O'Brien
    WTF?

    Dear god no

    I have been bored and/or drunk out of my mind before but FFS I have never EVER had the urge to do THIS. Are we sure he wasnt on something else in addition to alcohol?

    Im going to go take a shower and hope my todger decides to crawl back out of my abdomen sometime this year after reading this article.....

  67. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Ouch

    Ow ow ow ow ow ow..... OMFG ouch. No no seriously fucking ouch. I hope this guy has either learned his lesson or is now some how sterile so he wont pass his sheer stupidity onto another generation.

    Flames cus that's what I'm going to need to get the mental image of what this nut job did out of my head.

  68. David Harper 1

    Sir Francis Drake

    I'm reminded of the history exam howler about Sir Francis Drake, who, according to one student, circumcised the globe with a clipper.

  69. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Proof?

    Proof that there are an awful lot of dicks in Stevenage. Or, to be more accurate, slightly less of one, in this case.

    And I say that as someone that lived there until the age of 24 (14yrs ago).

    Paris: Because she doesn't like turtle-neck jumpers. Even if it is now ragged as hell.

  70. Richard 102
    Coat

    Pathetic ...

    ... everyone knows you should use tin snips.

    Mine's the one with "sure, coach, if you don't hit me with the wrench" embroidered on the pocket.

  71. Fozzy 1

    <insert title here>

    Even the macosists reading this would be thinking

    "Ah, No... No fucking way. Nailing my nuts to a wooden baord. Yeah Ok.

    Circumsicise myself with nail clippers Nope, not a chance

  72. solamigo

    Roundhead? Cromwell was not a Cavelier!

    Next week: Fromtal lobotomy with a nail file.......Jhon Tee.

  73. Trixr Bronze badge
    WTF?

    @AC - I'm a bored IT worker

    ...and my legs aren't plaited, because, OMG, I'm not a bloke.

    Still, it doesn't bear thinking about. It doesn't much bear thinking about for the babies who get it done in the raw as well. Although at least they get the scalpel rather than the clippers. *expunging remark about appropriateness of tool for wee chappies*

  74. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I had a cheap back-street circumcision once...

    ...but I wouldn't recommend it. It was a rip-off.

    <boom-tish>

  75. Walking Turtle
    Pint

    Hand That Man a Drum...

    And introduce him to King Sunny Aday, the Talking Drum Master of Nigeria and one Brave Man in his own rite. For that man, too, is a King!

    Let his drumskin do the talkin' where his foreskin can't any more. Listen with care and the Great Mystery of Nigerian Bush Kingship becomes clear as can be.

    So he was Ibo in his prior life, poor chap? Ah, the vicissitudes of Human Culture...

  76. imonlyaumbleprojectmanagersir
    Paris Hilton

    Let's be scientific here

    Any fule noes that if he needs to leave a tip, this is the gadget to use:

    http://www.circlist.com/instrstechs/smartklamp.html

    That way it only takes two bottles of booze to null the pain.

    Paris, coz she knows which gadget does the trick

  77. JT2008
    Alien

    @Walking Turtle

    Did you kill amanfromMars and steal his brain?

  78. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    At the risk of sounding too "Daily Mail"...

    Stevenage?

    Take off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

    It's the only way to be sure.

    Speaking as someone who lives and works uncomfortably close to "the 'nage" (pronounced "nidge", btw.), I'm happy to suffer the bleeding gums and loss of hair which would follow.

    Which, incidentally, is not dissimilar to what you typically end up with if you visit the Godforsaken shit-hole of an evening, anyhow.

    "Lewis Hamilton's from Stevenage, you know?" So fucking what. He's not there now, is he?

    R.

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