back to article Swine flu apocalypse: Batten down the hatches

The world is this week mobilising to battle the mutated H1N1 "swine flu" virus which, having caused a suspected 103 deaths in Mexico, is now reported to have spread to the US, Canada and Europe - in the process pulling off the improbable feat of knocking Jade Goody (RIP, princess) from the front pages of panic-stricken UK …

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  1. Simon
    Joke

    But it gets worse...

    The swine flu has now mutated and combined with the Bird flu virus.

    It's now called the Flying Pig flu! (Hey was I the first to say that on here?)

    Flying pig flu, what a very suitable name for all those scare stories we are going to have to endure for weeks on end now until the media realises this isn't the apocalypse after all, once again.

    Also I suspect a few weeks from now after all their scare mongering they will be telling *US* not to panic!

    Then they can get back to droning on about Carbon footprints and rising sea levels.

    *Yawn!*

  2. Stuart

    will be the most senior member of management

    And so let the board room blood bath begin. At least I'l be locked in the server room while the knives/staple removers are out.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Traditional Cure....

    ...Smoked or unsmoked?

    I know... I know.....

  4. Edward Miles
    Happy

    Brilliant...

    ...that should get me through Monday afternoon :)

  5. richard
    Stop

    i thought we'd all died of bird flu?

    about a year ago the bbc were in full scaremonger mode with a panic about a swan in aberdeen with a slight cough.

    this 'lethal' virus didn't seem to make it past hadrians wall though, so we're safe in our beds again.

    have a quick look at the bbc 'have your say' forum and nobody gives a toss, we're actually more bothered about our taxes going up, so calm down bbc.

  6. Pete
    Coat

    Porktect and survive...

    (sorry)

  7. Paul Murphy

    Twelve monkeys

    Yes - I saw the above documentary, shame they got it a bit wrong and it was pigs rather than monkeys, still maybe there was a copyright issue or something.

    Still waiting to be selected for our companies 'survival of the human species'(tm) programme, I'm sure they will let me know which server room/lurv pad to attend any time now.

    still waiting....

    ttfn

    PH - can you imagine a world 're-built' courtesy of PH ???

  8. Tom Paine Silver badge
    Stop

    I trust...

    ..the El Reg have a cron job that will delete this story in the unlikely event that zombie pig apocalypse *does* come to pass - otherwise, it'll be carved on the concrete sarcophagus erected over the site of the offices, as at terrible warning to us all.

    As Carl Sagan pointed out, they may have laughed at Edison or Einstein, but they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

    Then again,... 10:1 it's pure media hype fed by panicky pseudo-science types at flaky organisations like the WHO, the CDC and so forth. If they're right, we're all gonna die and it's TEOCAWKI. If they're wrong, the rational thing is to claim so now, so that after the event we say "See? told you so."

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    I'm going to sit in my nuclear bunker

    As obviously it is now the end of mankind and it's every person for themselves

    Not

  10. richard
    Stop

    the sun has the full gory details:

    yes folks, exclusive news, their headline is 'Hell in the hospitals as swine flu hits UK'.

    but fear not, read down the story and you find:

    'No cases of swine flu, the new human strain of a virus usually associated with pigs, have been confirmed in Britain. '

    and:

    'Six people in CANADA were confirmed as having “very mild” cases of swine flu.'

    yes, very mild. and:

    'In NEW ZEALAND, of 19 students, 13 of them almost certainly had the virus'

    yes, almost certainly.

    and:

    'in ISRAEL ..Tomer Vagim is in a hospital....showing suspicious symptoms.'

    yes, suspicious.

    oh, and worryingly:

    'four more tourists were undergoing tests in FRANCE'

    yes 4.

    it's so bad that 2 people in scotland are in hospital:

    'suffering “flu-like symptoms”, yes, 2.

    and that businessman from Northamptonshire has now been cleared surprisingly, it's

    'very good news' he said.

    thank god that:

    'Our authorities are gearing into action' otherwise we'd be totally fucked!

  11. Matt B
    Thumb Up

    Haha

    ...I needed a good laugh after last week's shit-storm at work!

  12. John Sanders
    Alien

    I for once...

    @Simon

    I welcome our new Flying Pig flu overlords.

    What was again the requisite to be one of those alpha males?

  13. Simon

    5 should be

    "Stay calm and carry on" which is a craze sweeping everywhere :-)

  14. Yorkshirepudding
    Alert

    Vegetablists

    i love the responses that the vegetaraians are giving in some discussions e.g. beeb news some are saying it serves us carnivours right, others say they will be immune

    epic lolz is all i say

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If it were to spread here it really is no laughing matter

    It's very unlikely this will reach worrying levels here, but at the moment it has 5% lethality which is not to be sneezed at (sorry). Even if it just put people on their back for a week, with the infection rate so high it'd be enough to cause real, serious problems for our health systems.

    However, my new favourite phrase is definitely 'pork cordon'.

  16. Juan Inamillion
    Black Helicopters

    Let me get this straight

    This is virus associated with pigs that has spread to humans.

    So logically the place to be safe would be somewhere where pigs are a big no-no.

    Errrm....

    So the middle east then....

    Oh...

  17. Andy Blackburn
    Stop

    *sigh*

    Loving the "track the outbreak" map on Sky:

    http://news.sky.com/skynews/Interactive-Graphics/Swine-Flu-Map

  18. Les Matthew
    Stop

    cruel and unusual punishment

    Instant coffee for two weeks.

  19. Florence

    From Jade Goody to swine flu:

    Lester, have you managed to avoid the whole Susan Boyle saga? How?

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    @ Florence 1252H.

    I probably won't be the first to say it - but who is Susan Boyle?

  21. Joe K
    Coat

    Oh good lord

    That map on Sky is ridiculous! UK is at threat level yellow! Click on it and you find that there are a couple of Scots with a cold.

    This is why i don't read the news anymore, nothing left but the scaremongering.

    LOL'd at the article though.

  22. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Look on the bright side

    The 1918 - 19 pandemic was preceded five to six months earlier by a similar disease which had a relatively low mortality in humans but was extremely dangerous to pigs.

    There's still plenty of time to panic.

  23. Chris Miller
    Thumb Down

    Not just The Sun

    You might expect that of the Currant Bun, but one would hope for better from the Beeb, who are declaring that worldwide deaths could be as many as 220 million (or as low as 220, but we won't mention that). Their World at One (Radio4) featured a virus 'expert' who declared that the infection "will either plateau out or it will increase dramatically".

    No shit, Sherlock.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Today's news, tomorrow's toilet paper

    Although it looks like someone has already jumped the gun judging by the Current Bun's illustration at the top of their article...

  25. Alfazed
    Happy

    Locked in

    with no Register to read !

    I'll go mad ............... and no 0ne will notice.

    ALF

  26. Damn Yank

    Flu2.0 mashup

    http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?hl=en&gl=us&ie=UTF8&view=map&msa=0&msid=106484775090296685271.0004681a37b713f6b5950&z=3

  27. Scott
    Coat

    Good Line

    "Hey love this here mobile phone has a swine flu tester embedded in it and it says that you have caught the diease, please read this articles in the Daily Fail and realise you are about to drop dead from it and a quicky in the alley maybe your last chance (satifaction not guaranteed)."

  28. Eddie

    There's only one solution

    Bacon butties all round.

    No pigs, no pig flu.

    Pass the Branston please, and put the kettle on....

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All we need now

    All we need now is an unseasonal breakout of regular flu. Combined with the forces of the Daily Mail, that should be enough to bring the UK to a stand still - and probably most of Western Europe.

    Latest news on the Sun is that someone in Manchester has a sniffle - in fact I myself have used three mansized tissues (to blow my nose) whilst typing this.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    senior member of management

    Here's hoping for a male board to comply with Lester's rules.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A re-write for item 5

    I suggest a re-write for items #5 on the list - it should read as the most important 2 words in English literature.. "Don't Panic"...

  32. Goatan
    Coat

    Sars 2.0

    As I remember Hong Kong was alot of fun during the Sars crisis. I was treated like a king being the only tourist there, courtesy of global fear. There wasn't a single daily mail reader in site, it was heavenly.

    Might book a flight to Mexico to order bacon sarnies and tequila.

  33. LaeMi Qian Silver badge
    Pirate

    over 100 dead!!

    Call me when it is over 100 Million.

    Even if it takes out 1/3 of humanity there is likely still twice as many people left as the planet can sustain.

    I scored two whole loaves of bread left over and abandoned in the storeroom from last Friday's work BBQ so I am well-supplied for the coming apocalypse.

    (Okay, it is 1:35 in the morning here and I am tired but can't sleep :-/)

  34. Steve

    But is it worse then..

    Manflu?

    Had it last week...

    Must have been that bacon sarnie.....

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I can only assume that El Reg is taking it's own advice

    ANd Packed all the Reg ladies off to a secure location. since appearantly you can be infected via PC i can only guess the lovely Miss Bee isn't able to moderate our comments form this location so who is ????

    AC just incase Sarah doesn't see the funny side.

  36. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: I can only assume that El Reg is taking it's own advice

    I can still see your name, you boob.

    However, I'm not offended because frankly I'm not entirely sure what you're on about.

  37. Joe H.
    Happy

    @Simon

    "It's now called the Flying Pig flu!"

    Thanks. I now have a mission. If *anyone* mentions this swine flu to me in the next couple of weeks in passing, I now know what to say. "You mean the pig flu that has avian and human components as well?" "Yes, I have heard they are calling it the Flying Pig flu!"

    You are now "they", Simon.

  38. Lankydude
    Thumb Up

    At last, the voice of reason!

    Thanks, El Reg, for finally adding some sense to this whole sorry saga.

    Can I have a new keyboard, please?

  39. Mike

    Re: Re: I can only assume that El Reg is taking it's own advice

    >However, I'm not offended because frankly I'm not entirely sure what you're on about.

    He's just being a suck up, he doesn't know if you're lovely or not, just taking the opportunity to say it (but you're flattered as you call him a boob, which is a cute name), I however know what you look like and still think you fit the parameters of "lovely", maybe a bit old for me 'tho, thirty something.....? (does 0 could as something?).

    ps. H1N1 will never kill people in large numbers, it's the H2 strains that you have to watch out for, if that jumps to mammals (leucine at 226) we're fucked.

  40. hugo tyson
    Coat

    Item 5

    "Keep Calm, and Carry On" surely?

  41. Simon Ward
    Coat

    Re: i thought we'd all died of bird flu?

    "about a year ago the bbc were in full scaremonger mode with a panic about a swan in aberdeen with a slight cough."

    "A swan in Aberdeen with a slight cough" - a textbook Blackadder-ism if ever there was one. Sir, I salute you! :-)

    Mine's the one with "Cunning Plans for Dummies" in the pocket.

  42. Karl H
    Pirate

    and back in 1976

    it was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weils_Disease that we were all going to die from .

    I (my 8 year old brain at the time) remember this was apparently because of the drought the streams were drying up making the rats piss more potent, and we were ALL GOING TO DIE !

    Ahh well I'm gonna die eventually, I for one don't expect to be breathing in 2059, and it might just be porky-might-flew that got me. At present at least I've had another 33 years, since 1976.

    Just think , if we kill 3500 people on Britain's roads every year, on average 67 have snuffed it in the last week alone, and out of the 110,000 per year smoking related deaths well somewhere around 2100 have snuffed it in the last week. What's the Daily Mail got to say about those ?

    On the subject of smokers, maybe they should volunteer to be guinea-swine for flu-vacines, since they obviously don't give a stuff about their health, they could at least be useful to the rest of us non and ex smokers whilst they bugger up their lungs.

    and finally here's to Death sweet Death, it will come and get us all in the end............

  43. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I'm safe

    title says it all

    Boris

  44. Dave
    Unhappy

    Telephone cleaners

    Ack! See what happens when the telephone cleaners are all shipped off-world? :-(

    Dave

  45. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Coat

    IT'S NOT FUNNY !!!

    I've caught it and now I'm going to have to spend eight weeks off work in quarantine and no one will be allowed anywhere near me. I'm being taken to a safe place for my own and everyone else's protections.

    Mine's the one with the sun tan lotion in the pocket.

  46. Andrew Fraser
    Joke

    South park reference...

    Flying pig flu ?!?!

    no !!

    It has aspects of pig, bird AND human flu there fore its....

    *drumroll*

    It's ManBirdPig !!... flu

    Only Al Gore can save us now !

  47. Thomas
    Thumb Up

    "Flying Pig Flu"

    I fell out of my farkin' chair ...LOL!

    I nominate Simon as the thread winner!

  48. David Pollard
    Coat

    Possibly pedantic petulance

    "Protect key staff by ... or ... whichever comes soonest."

    Er, 'whichever comes sooner'?

  49. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
    Anonymous Coward

    one to watch out for

    I18N--it jumps borders easily.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But wait there's more

    recession in full swing, civil unrest on the rise, now a bit of flu, then we get the mother of all solar flares.

    Ever get the feeling that the guys and gals upstairs are a little annoyed with how this planet is working out?

  51. Nordrick Framelhammer

    It is not a pandemic or an epidemic

    It is a mediademic.

    A mediademic is a minor outbreak of a disease with a mortality rate in the low single digit percentage figure that is blown out of all proportion by the drooling, knuckle dragging, slop;ed forheaded members of the mainstream media who cannot be bothered actually researching a story but instead pile fetid hyperbole on fetid hyperbole.

    And I used the plying piug joke oin someone in the office already. Should have seen throir faces drop when I said it had mutated and combined with bird flu and the smiles on their faces when the punchline was dropped on them.

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Perspective...

    http://www.sickipedia.org/get.php?category=Illness%20and%20mortality&subcategory=Swine+Flu

  53. Richard
    Boffin

    It'll never reach Madagascar

    I expect its one and only port to shut down any second.

  54. storng.bare.durid
    Stop

    Do not underestimate ManBirdPig Flu.

    I am serial. Super serial.

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