back to article Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has admitted getting the taxpayer to pick up the bill for two porn films watched by her husband last June. On Sunday, the Daily Express revealed that amongst the expenses signed off in respect of Jacqui Smith’s (second) constituency home was a bill for £67 in respect of films downloaded from Virgin …

COMMENTS

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  1. EdwardP
    Flame

    Sad isn't it...

    This woman spends two years butchering the idea that this country is "free" while quietly making fraudulent expensives claims. She's ignored multiple court orders relating to everything from Human Rights to Government Transparency and has been caught flat out lying more than once. Through all this her constituants seems to supportive or apathetic.

    However everybody has their breaking point. Porn? Something must be done...

  2. Dennis
    Happy

    snigger snigger snigger -

    I'll bet things are frosty in the Smith house.

    Luckily for Jacqui PHORM hasn't been formally rolled out yet. Because if it was...... anybody with money could just purchase their viewing, browsing and ultimately their masturbation habits.

    How can they be so sure that Jacqui wasn't watching the film?......

    or is her husband just falling on his sword. funar! funar!

    I would really like to see the contents or their internet logs. Lets face it if you are sad enough to watch Virgin Porn films. (Funar, Snigger) you will dip your wick (snigger) into the great free pool of Internet Porn. A much more murky place to be.

    How do you feel about privacy now Jacqui? Gonna tell us which films it was or would that just be crossing a line into YOUR private life.

    Nothing to hide, nothing to fear

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Oh Goddammnit

    Thank God that Wacky Jacqui has been so insistent that we need to live in an ever increasing 'Big Brother state'. Why without her sterling work things like this would never have been discovered (probably)(well maybe)(oh who gives a toss, she deserves a kicking regardless).

    Come on Jacqui, bring on ID cards, national databases and the whole shebang and then we can all live safe in the knowledge that every little aspect our humdrum lives is open to scrutiny and we can't get away with anything. Heaven forfend that, say, fiddling your expenses could cost you your job or something...oh, hang on...

    Could it be that your insane quest to be able to pry into people's lives has backfired just ever so slightly? Oh yes, endless sympathy from this corner of pleb-dom [Sarcasm overload]

    Mine's NOT the one with the P45 in the pocket (as I don't fiddle my expenses or take the piss by ripping off the people who elected me to work for them on their behalf - tsk, tsk, tsk)

  4. Steve Kay

    Couldn't have happened to a nicer person

    Glorious :)

  5. David S

    Oh dear.

    Even the most puritanical turn out to be naked under their clothes. How odd.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    what

    What is on his PC! We demand to know, is he an extreme filth monkey?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Oh dear

    That big database of hubby's communications data must have leaked...

  8. Toastan Buttar
    Happy

    Hahahahaha

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. F***ing priceless.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    woo

    Richard Timney - my new hero!

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    How is...

    ..cable tv a legitimate expense anyway, let alone the p0rn!??!

  11. alan
    Flame

    may i be the first to say

    PWNT

    that is all

  12. The Mole
    Joke

    Research

    I'm really surprised that she didn't try to claim that it was research into the adult entertainment industry!

    But really why on earth can they claim any expenses for what they watch at home? Except perhaps to subscribe to news or entertainment channels?

  13. Ad Fundum
    Paris Hilton

    Seriously though ...

    And I imagine I won't be the only person to say this - but if you were married to something that like looks like a cross between a menstruating manitee and Willie Rushton, and that has all the charm, charisma and personality of a Microsoft EULA, wouldn't you be urning your hand (fnah fnah) to "One night in Paris" or "Backdoor Sluts9"?

    Paris - obviously!

  14. P Saunders
    Paris Hilton

    It was for research purposes only

    I swear it.

    Paris, 'cause its just so damned obvious.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Let me be the 29th to say...

    This story has absolutely made my day. I can only hope that vile woman is fired.

    On another note... do all employers pay for cable and satellite tv? or is it just us, the chumps that have no say about where the money goes?

  16. Nick Davey
    Stop

    Love the irony

    I read about this on the beeb this morning and it's hilarious. What was even worse though was that Westminster claimed that she was actually doing " a great job" as home secretary...I mean, if she can't even fill in her expenses correctly what hope do the rest of us have against her constant removal of civil liberties.

  17. H2Nick

    hahahahahahaha

    ... and hopefully good riddance!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    In power but not in control...

    For a confirmed and documented control freak, that is a very bad state of affairs.

    She will keep her job because "a woman scorned..." and all that. As per John Major's dictum "better to have her on the inside p**ng out..."

    Anyway, how could she survive on an MPs salary? After the next election it may be either an opposition MPs salary or, indeed, the dole. Who else would employ her and what possible insight could she give to corporations or on the lecture circuit...

    Sad, very sad...

  19. Steven Raith
    Thumb Up

    Story of the year...

    ...for those of us who have been following the various clampdowns on freedom of sexual expression, etc, of the last couple of years under her rule as Home Secretary.

    Or should that be sexretary?

    IGMC...

    Steven R

  20. Steve
    Thumb Up

    Priceless

    Cost of two grumble flicks - £10.

    Look on Wacky Jacqui's face when confronting husband - priceless.

  21. Kieron McCann
    Thumb Up

    Oh oh oh....

    ...oh the irony!

    the sweet, unctuous, delicious irony!

    There are so many jokes I don't even know where to start!

    hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha!

    ....

    ....

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahha!

    etc..

  22. Dave

    Thinking Outside the Box

    I see David Cameron has been thinking laterally, saying that Wacky Jacqui need not resign. He's obviously worked out that by keeping all the clowns in office now, it raises his chances of being the next PM.

  23. Steve Taylor
    Unhappy

    Missing the point?

    Surely all this rant about porn is missing the serious absurdity that our leaders think it perfectly acceptable to get US to pay for their TV, internet, phone, etc, when for those of us who work from home cannot get away with even offsetting these for tax purposes!

    Why the F**K should they get anything whatsoever for services that this same government considers essential requirements for everyone in the country?

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Barf

    Hey, el Reg, shame on you inflicting the mental image generated by that headline on folks just having had their breakfast ... I've just finished cleaning up the resulting upchuck! Or worse still, the other way round - JS as "Miss Whiplash". Oh god, I don't feel so well...

    Erm, serious question - if JS is at the Home Office, don't they 'own' the Serious Fraud Office etc, in which case if she's being investigated for fiddling the expenses shouldn't she remove her self from a position to influence any investigation. (Yes, I know I'm being naive, but I'm looking for an excuse to get rid of her).

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Not really news

    What WOULD be news is something about a politician with integrity

  26. Dave
    Joke

    Clair Lewis says it perfectly

    But I would also add.

    Jacqui, that Karma is a Bitch!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    I for one...

    Would like to be the first to welcome our Nu-Labour, Jackbooted, dildo-wielding (leg-)overlords.

    Now excuse me whilst I go off and quieltly fall over laughing in the corner.

  28. Hedley Phillips

    Bleeding the taxpayers dry

    We can't even afford to buy our first house let alone spend £550 on a Habitat sink. How dare these so called trustworthy elected 'members' spend so much on luxuries when the good hard working taxed to death people of Britain are struggling to make ends meet.

    They may be within the letter of the law but way outside the spirit.

  29. Mycho Silver badge

    Nothing suprising

    Her husband watches porn. This upsets her, so she tries to persuade him to stop. He won't so she goes on a crusade to stop everyone watching porn.

  30. Mike Smith
    Coat

    Wacky and Whackoff Smith

    John, I think you've missed the point - you said in passing that milf was included. C'mon man, it's obvious that this was what Whackoff was watching - she is supposed to be dealing with the terrorist threat. Milf is dangerous - ask any Filipino.

    What? You mean Milf is... oh, right. Sorry.

    Yes, the dirty raincoat please.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ha Ha Ha

    Might want to check those receipts for bulk Kleenex orders too. Mind you given the looks of our present Home Sec, who can blame him?

  32. MJI Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Hoisted I think

    This was very funny, our nutty Second Home Minister Mrs Waquie Timney has been completely embarrassed.

    I reckon she will be sacked by Easter.

    Good riddance!

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    TV?

    I don't quite understand why the hell she's claiming for a TV service at her "second home". Internet access I can possibly understand but the whole damned package? Some mistake surely?

    Also how the fuck do you "accidentally" claim for watching any PTV sort of services, let alone porn, and how many other months has she claimed her TV package for?

  34. Duncan Hothersall
    Happy

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    I love this story. It is perfect in every way. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with a hand-shandy over a drop of hardcore, and huge numbers of people do it every day. But the VM bill makes it very clear which bits are for broadband and which bits are for TV, so whoever did the expense claim was either stupid or trying it on.

    Anyway, the thing is, VM's porn channels are shit, and the only possible reason for paying for one would be that you are too lazy to point and click on the internet. That's what I find shameful here - this man has opted for low-quality porn out of laziness, rather than putting the effort in and finding something decent on the net.

    Oh, and an IT angle - Jacqui is on VM then? Have they confirmed their stance on Phorm yet? Will she get a special opt-out if they do?

  35. Mad Mike

    I've just split my sides.

    The irony is almost too much to bear........, but I'll try.

    Without doubt, the funniest thing to happen this year. The woman who hates anything even vaguely sexy, is hoist on her own petard. Clearly, her husband does not share her victorian attitudes.

    Personally, I can't blame him. If given a choice between Victorian Jacqui and a porn movie and kleenex, I think I'd choose the latter as well....................

  36. James Pickett
    Paris Hilton

    Deep, er, joy

    "Spending your money on smut"

    I think the point is that it was our money!

    Still, this offers so much schadenfreude that I think it's probably worth it. I mean, if you were married to her...

    Paris because - well, we could watch them together then.

  37. Chris Harrison
    Paris Hilton

    Can't blame the lad

    Well if I had to 'service' Wacky Jacqui I guess I'd need some 'gentlemans' material to get me going too.

    Paris - cos, well just cos.

  38. Jason Hall

    Claims

    Although it's very funny to catch the cowbag and/or her husband with smutty TV habbits I think the bigger problem is that they feel it's ok to claim for ANY TV watching habbits.

    Ooo I'm feeling a little poor this month, so I can't afford my Sky subscription... where exactly do I go to get it paid for by the rest of the UK taxpayers?

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's not really the porn angle that's important

    Although this is the one that is being leapt on by the schoolboy-esque media, and is certainly very important to those in the porn / freedom to view porn arena.

    The really important point I think, is that Jacquie Smith, Home Secretary signed an expenses claim that stated the expenses generated in watching 2 pornos plus 3 other non-porn films were wholely and solely expenses arising as a necessity for her to perform her ministerial duties.

    This is obviously untrue, and blatantly so, yet she signed the expense claim herself.

    So, what I would like to know is; was she trying to game the system by knowingly claiming for something she knew she couldn't, is she so out of touch she thinks it is necessary to watch Ocean's Thirteen in order to perform her duties as Home Secretary (the mind boggles), or does she just sign important legal documents without reading them (would explain a lot about things like extraordinary rendition, Gitmo etc)?

    It is also good to know that the Sir Humphrey 's in charge of paying expenses are doing such a sterling job (on taxpayer's money) in actually doing their job of vetting expenses by, well, not vetting expenses.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Privacy

    Jacqui Smith has learned how unpleasant it is to have ones privacy invaded, however it’s probably asking too much for her to take this on board when contemplating putting all our private details on an uber-database.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Funny beyond belief

    I really just can't stop laughing at all this. You just know the next thing that'll popup *cough* will be what he actually watched.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    She is what she eats.

    A fridge?

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Adult films is not the issue

    The watching of adult films by Richard Timney is not the issue, though it does bring a bit of humour and ooh-arr to the story.

    The real issue is that Wacky Jacqui personally signed off the expense claim and that she was paying for a TV subscription package. I don't think terrestrial TV signals in London are that bad that a cable TV service is required, so she shouldn't have been claiming any TV in the first place. She should have stuck to the basic internet package only.

    For any MP to claim a TV subscription under expenses as part of their communications allowance (which is more likely to mean telephone bills) and for it to be used wholly and necessarily for their work they would need a subscription to the news channels, and even that is pushing it as their party should be doing all the work necessary to monitor the news channels for them.

    Mines the dirty mac in the bushes! :-)

  44. Smallbrainfield
    Go

    Ha ha ha!

    I wondered how long it would take this tale to turn up on El Reg.

    So what films was he watching then? I think we should be told.

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Call me paranoid, but ...

    This is a trivial infringement of the rules, but probably quite easy to spot. Especially under the scrutiny that her expenses must be under. Could this just be another political ruse for the Whacky Jackoff to say "freedom of information is a good thing, so you should all hand over your information (and your freedom) ?

  46. Eponymous Cowherd
    Black Helicopters

    Live by the Sword

    Die by the sword.

    Not nice having people snooping around your private parts, is it Jacqui?

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Fiddling

    Anyone who has a job in which they need to claim expenses have the opportunity to fiddle them. Taxi drivers are only to happy to write out receipts for a larger amount, etc. In my experience most people don't cheat, they maybe 'adjust' their expenses to cover any other perceived losses- ie. low salary or other inconveniences but it seems Jacqui's been caught completely abusing the system and should definately resign/be sacked

  48. twelvebore
    Alert

    Not just the pron

    The porn films are a distraction to be honest - yeah I know we all like a bit of a giggle and some inuendo, and it's great to see the holier-than-thou tossers exposed for the hypocrits they are. But the grumble flicks are just two of half-a-dozen movies *none of which* should have been the subject of an expense claim. One wonders what else is being claimed that we haven't heard about yet.

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Fantastic

    This story just made my weekend - even now I grin when I think of it. It couldn't have happened to a nicer person...

    Incidentally, if any of your readers needs to ask what "milf" stands for I'll eat my hat.

  50. Mike Shepherd
    Happy

    If she has nothing to hide...

    Heh heh. This "ship of state" may not be holed below the waterline, but the cargo has shifted and she's now listing badly.

  51. richard
    Unhappy

    you couldn't make it up!

    silly lad, maybe she's far too busy adding up her expenses rather than 'tending' to her husbands needs.....what an embarrassment....

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Your being watched !

    Nothing to hide and nothing to fear Jacqui ? Porn free, free as the wind blows.

    See ya we ain't going to miss you :)

  53. Schultz
    Alert

    "personal sexual freedom"

    Probably was the last one of those for her poor husband. Best neuter them young, so they can't wreck your political career later in life.

  54. nat
    Paris Hilton

    porn or not...

    why am i paying for her to watch movies anyway?

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Fireworks?

    It's "hoist with own petard" surely? The bomb doesn't throw you.

  56. Tim

    Hurrah!

    The Playmobil of this is eagerly awaited.

    She really should have resigned when the house expenses scandal first broke, presumably they wouldn't let her go as so many other MPs are in the same boat, or should I say trough.

    Tim#3

  57. Matt Underwood
    Thumb Down

    Reg. misses the spot just like all the other media

    Why are all the media getting sidetracked by the two 18 rated rentals? There are 5 movies on the monthly bill including two showings off "Oceans 13" and one of "Surfs Up". The fact that these were paid for by the tax payer rather than Mrs Smith is just as bad as the cert. 18 ones. Did she watch any of these 3 other movies? This is just one months bill, what about previous months bills?

    Any politician that feels the need to qualify the statement "I did nothing wrong" with "according to the rules", is clearly aware that they have indeed done something wrong.

  58. Matthew Ames

    My question is this:

    Why are politicians allowed to claim expenses for such things as Virgin Media? Television is a privilege, not a right. There is this wonderful terrestrial television service that we have in this country and that should be more than enough for anyone.

    So why are they allowed to claim money back for the extra 1000 channels? How is this necessary for her job? And surely this must be charged *directly* to her expense account. Surely with expenses you're supposed to pay for it yourself and then claim it back?

    I'd be very interested to go over the list of things that politicians are allowed to claim for.

  59. Gareth
    Happy

    Kleenex?

    I wonder if she also put in expense claims for tissues (for when her staff have the sniffles)?

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    People don't like her

    People don't like her.... It's a wonder more of her & her families private records haven't been released, telephone calls, emails, medical records.... given how much she's contributed to Stasi Britain.

    No politician ever survives for long when the people hate them.

  61. Simon
    Alert

    Freedom of Information....

    Oh hang on... let me get this right, WE paid for the TV package and the 2 vinegar-stroke inducing fiddle flicks, under the Freedom of Information Act are we legally entitled to find out what the fudge it actually was?

    The fact that this kind of expense is allowed, not to mention 2nd homes and everything else in their lives, sickens me. There should be an independant 3rd party to manage and regulate at least the financial side of the government, that or this stuff gets made to be public knowledge by default and NOTHING can be hidden.

    Wankers....

  62. Mycho Silver badge
    Boffin

    Mindbleach alert

    The question that needs to be asked as many places as possible is this:

    It's all very well that Jaqui Smith wants everyone to be watched all the time, but do we really trust her not to be masturbating while she's watching us?

  63. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Make a difference!

    Sign the petition http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Sack-Ms-Smith/

  64. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    where to start?

    "at £5 a throw." wouldn't 'toss' be more appropriate there?

    "vanilla" conjured up a different image for me.

    "her partner’s solo late night habits" - not necessarily solo - I think we need a full police investigation and a public enquiry.

    did anyone say "but what about the indiscriminate, intrusive prying into peoples' private lives under the pretext of national security"? irony, oh the irony.

    Jacqui Smith : surely, a MIWFWSEB rather than MILF (those changed letters being Wouldn't ... With Someone Else's Bargepole). Go away, you dishonest, hypocritical, money grubbing hag

  65. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Unfit to govern

    It is quite clear that this woman, and the rest of Labour, are unfit to govern.

    She should resign now and that be taken into account when she is prosecuted for attempted fraud.

    Like some on here, I really don't give to damns what she or her husband watch on telly, but I do care when the fraudulently try to claim for it from MY pocket.

    She is a prime candidate for the courts and few other serving MPs should be slaughtered on the altar of justice as a lesson to the rest of those corrupt bastards.

    Leave Jacqui - you have been caught cooking the books.

  66. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who ordered the films?

    Is her husband being a good parent and protecting the real film-watchers? If so, then kudos to him and a suggestion to them to learn discretion - the trick is not to let your parents find out because it embarrasses them that you've got hormones.

  67. Youngdog
    Happy

    People in glass houses......

    I don't think anyone really has the right to condemn the mad witch just because her husband has watched a few grumbleflicks and charged them to expenses ( a victimless crime eh Jacqui?). But on the other hand that is OUR money he spent. But since when is having more front than Southend a crime?

    Hmmmm, this really is a tough one. There is only one answer - I think we need to call a session of the COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION!

    Honestly, you could fit the credibility of this governemnt in a thimble and STILL have room to spare.

    I do hope this is the straw that breaks the camel's back

  68. Bad Beaver

    I LOLed

    ... when I saw this in the paper this morning. Hot gossip already found its way to German print. BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!

  69. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    tshhh

    to all the people rambling about expenses - the reason we're so amused by this is the irony that this is the witch who forced through extreme porn and is looking to make drawings illegal.

    As to expenses, the government is intending on removing all the rules and creating a set of "principles" ergo the rules are being scrapped, and it'll be left to a chosen few to decide whose been bad and whose been good probably depending on how they voted for the last government bill.

  70. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Unfit to govern

    You forget - we held a ceremonial burning of Justice a while ago.

  71. Youngdog

    In Soviet Britain..

    ..people don't screw to adult movies.

    Adult movies screw YOU!

    (works best with a comedy Brezhnev accent)

  72. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Jacqui Does UKHMRC

    If she's got nothing to hide, she's got nothing to fear!

    Why should the tax payers - her employers - not get to go through her expenses claims with a fine-toothed comb.

    This is the government that has imposed more draconian surveillance laws on the people than any other, but they refuse to be held to the same standard, themselves.

    - Jack Straw

    - David Blunkett

    - Charles Clark

    - John Reid

    - Jacqui Smith

    I wonder who's next on that roll call...

  73. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Jacqui's Dick

    Flash traffic.......

    'The nation was shocked last night by further revelations concerning the Home Secretary's domestic arrangements. Jacqui Smith failed to deny rumours that she is in fact married to a real, flesh-and -blood humam being who has been forced to subsist on a diet of knuckle-sandwiches over an extended period of time. The emasculated figure of Richard Timney emerged from one of the couple's residences to issue a statement to the media in which he apologised for any embarrassment he had caused his missus but was insistent that neither of them had done anything wrong. Ever. And anyway, the cost of his porn viewing would be reimbursed to the public purse, so that was all right, then, wasn't it?'

    Actually, Dick, most of us don't give a toss (oops) about what you do in the privacy of your own home - even when it's a home that has been provided out of the public purse - what concerns us is your wife's insistence that she is entitled to invade OUR privacy under the fraudulent claim that she is protecting us from terrorists and child molesters.

    Knowing your wife's attitude to sexual matters, I don't think many of us would even begrudge paying for a little bit of light porn to allow you relieve the matrimonial hell that you have to endure. What you need, Dick, is for a good woman to take you in hand and re-introduce you to the human race, so ditch the bitch and get a life.

  74. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    I for one welcome...

    ...conformation that my digital TV subscription is now a legitimate expense and is therefore tax deductible.

    Paris, what else

  75. Paul Gomme

    I declare Wacky Jacqui Open Season now OPEN!!

    ...join up and and comment / poke fun / start a discussion at:

    http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=46271966027

    Everyone welcome!!

  76. Eponymous Cowherd
    Thumb Up

    Re:Fireworks

    ***"It's "hoist with own petard" surely? The bomb doesn't throw you."***

    It does if you're sat on it when it goes off, and Big Sister Wacqui was definitely sat on this one.

    Wacqui's hubby watching porn on her parliamentary expenses. You couldn't wish for a better 'petard' for our barmy Home Sec to be hoist by.

    ROFLMFAO doesn't even come close.

  77. N Silver badge
    Joke

    Porn on expenses?

    Brilliant, Im going into politics right now!

  78. Jonathan White
    Paris Hilton

    Hmm..

    I find the headline a bit misleading. Surely it's far more likely wacky Jaqui will have opened an economy sized can of whoop-ass on her husband than vice (sic) versa.

    Being caught out by dirty videos? It's got to Paris really hasn't it...

    Jon

  79. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Just 18

    Isn't the whole point of the "Just 18" thing that the girls might be legal but they look younger. In which case if hubby was viewing such content then he should be on the sex offenders register.

  80. Tim Jenkins

    Oh no he wasn't

    "Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband"

    But she was at her 'other' home at the time

    (you know; her sisters, aka the one that she's claimed £116K for in the past 6 years)

    So whatever he was spanking wasn't her...

  81. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    MILF?

    Could it mean

    MP's I'd Like to Fire

    MP's I Loathe to ******

    Must Investigate Legal Finances

    The list goes on, (just like Nulabours indiscresions)

  82. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Re: Fireworks?

    "The bomb doesn't throw you." - I think you'll find it does, when it detonates nearby :-)

  83. Tony

    @mycho

    " but do we really trust her not to be masturbating while she's watching us?"

    The thought of that makes me feel quite ill...

  84. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    TWO showings of Oceans 13!?

    Why did we pay for Oceans 13 to be watched *twice*? At a fiver a pop? It's only 4.98 to buy the DVD!

  85. Jimmy
    Thumb Up

    Insert party of choice.

    Just another pair of political chavs living on enhanced state benefits while lecturing the rest of us on our moral standards. Even as we speak Jacqui's "paid researcher" is probably scrambling through the dustbins trying to recover those carelessly discarded doodles and scribbles that may bring down more ignominy on the head of his stupid "employer".

  86. Dave Stark
    Thumb Up

    On the couch

    According the the BBC, hubby will be 'on the couch for some time'. He's probably stuck to it.

    Ho ho ho.

  87. al
    Paris Hilton

    I say it's the best 10$ of tax patyers money spent

    I think the main course here is the double standards. Like a pri*st doing it with a n*n after a sermon. And to top it, it was done with tax payer's money! That's really the spicey side-dish; not the main course in this article though.

    So the spice that we get from the collectively pooled in £10 is really worth it. ;)

    Paris, coz it possible that one of the flicks features our collective favorite pr0n*.

  88. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Ear-Bashing"? Domestic Abuse?

    Wasn't there also something about "ear-bashing"? Yesterday, on telly, there were mentions of Jacqui giving her husband an "ear-bashing". It would seem to be an unfortunate way to put it, given the recent stuff about ending domestic violence.

  89. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    HAHAHAHAHA

    But there's another angle here that no-one seems to have picked up on.

    Given the UK's new draconian porn laws - you know the ones: watch something "distasteful" or containing sexual acts between minors or even people who appear to be minors is a serious criminal offence and places you firmly on the UK's DNA and Paedofile databases.

    Now, were the people in those particular films engaged in sexual acts who APPEARED to but under-age?

    Who watched the films?

    Who paid for the the films?

    Shouldn't Mr and Mrs Smith now be arrested for potential charges under the various pornography laws we have in the country and charged just as any other member of the public be?

    The irony in this case is wonderful and long may it continue

  90. John Smith Gold badge
    Joke

    Benefit fraud comment unfair

    Benefit fraud comment unfair

    "Simon Carr, writing in the Independent this weekend. He compared the present culture of political expense claiming as little different in principle to benefit fraud:"

    Organised benefit fraud takes *work*.

    Setting up paper trails, false addresses, bank accounts. Keeping your story (stories) straight, travel between offices, and possibly even sourcing a few extra kids for Family Credit.

    Claiming for telecoms expenses seems to need an actual bill, which I guess makes it the hardest MP expense to fiddle.

    IIRC the main MPs expense system requires *no* receipts or other evidence other than the MPs word. And let's not forget Mr Timney's not a house husband as he has a proper job. He is Mrs Timney's researcher. £40k/pa I think was the figure mentioned. I'd love to know what the going rate for MP's researchers is who aren't close family members.

    A system which requires the intelligence of a moron to bypass and the virtue of a Saint not to would seem well overdue for tightening up.

    Mine's the one with a snorkel in the side pocket. I'm partial to all things aquatic and a bit of MILF diving can be very relaxing.

  91. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    This was for legitimate research

    He was researching new ways to fuck the electorate.

    Mines the long, slightly dirty mac

  92. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It proves..

    Jacqui and her ilk are a bunch of wankers.

    Well her hubby is but given the choice between impaling whacky with my mutton dagger or a god thrap... I know which one I'd choose and it isn't anything resembling a corrupt, lying, cheating politician.

    To finish with another joke, What's got four legs and grunts?... The Home sec!!!

  93. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Was he whacking off to gay porn???

    Apparrently, the films were viewed at 11.18pm on April 1 and 11.19pm on April 6, while Miss Smith was staying in London. On the evenings in question, Television X, one of nine adult channels available under the terms of their Virgin Media cable television contract, was screening features called "Raw Meat 3" and "By Special Request".

    Hmmm...

  94. Ray
    Flame

    "livid and shocked"

    From the Beeb:

    'BBC political correspondent, Gary O'Donoghue, said a source told him Ms Smith was "livid and shocked" when she found out about the films.

    Mr O'Donoghue said he was told Ms Smith had given her husband a "real ear-bashing".'

    When I heard about this in the pub yesterday, I laughed so hard I spilt my beer. But I've been thinking... Is a real ear-bashing a balanced, reasonable reaction to discovering that your husband has watched a couple of movies in his own home? Does livid and shocked sound a bit like an over-reaction to this news? Livid and shocked is maybe what you'd be if you asked your spouse to mow the lawn whilst you went shopping and came home to find out that he'd taken a dump in the pond, gone down the pub by himself and left the children alone with your wardrobe, a can of spray paint and a tube of superglue. It's no great newsflash that men watch pr0n every so often, so this righteous indignation of Smith's is just a bit too over the top to be believable.

    Besides, the actual content of these films is totally irrelevant. Her husband holds no public office and has every right to watch whatever the hell he pleases, whenever he should so choose. The real issue (Smith is a lying, hypocritical thief) is being veiled by the more 'shocking', media-friendly sound bite: New Labour ministers won't tolerate their spouses watching pr0nography and they will get very, very angry if they ever pertain to any expression of sexuality, even in the privacy of their own home.

    What kind of message does that send to the balanced, tolerant society that our government claim to be building? Should all the wives of this country follow Jacqui's lead and expose their husbands in public for watching the odd adult film? Or is the message that one shouldn't enjoy sex any more? Or maybe that one shouldn't watch movies when the Home Secretary isn't also in the room? Or is the message that, wherever possible, you should lie through your back teeth so the tax payers will be stump up for your cable TV? (presumably, the answer is 'yes', as long as they don't find out)

    Jacqui's been caught thieving and is doing the cowardly thing of trying to make it somebody else's fault. It beggars belief that we continue to tolerate a Home Secretary whose moral standards are so deeply corrupt that she will even attempt to ruin her husband's reputation in order to save her own, miserably blighted career.

    The sound bites don't add up, and the foetid reek of spin clouds this whole affair. I feel nothing but pity for the poor git that married this bilious wretch. We should all dump her.

  95. The Fuzzy Wotnot
    Alert

    BLOODY WOMAN!!!!

    On the BBC: 'Gordon Brown has said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's use of Commons expenses for two adult films watched by her husband should be a "personal matter".'

    WTF!?!?!?!!!!!!

    Oh yeah, it's personal now it's you and your info, but when it's my liberties and my kids and my emails, that should be public knowledge to every fucker on the fucking planet!!!!

    Jesus wept I hate that bloody woman, she'd better resign this time or there will be anarchy in the UK!!!

  96. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Yet Blunkett can bed-hop and the boys go "yeah, respect!"

    Hmm, double standard I think? (or a lot of trust in that dog - "one bark for hot, 2 barks for a munter - got it?")

  97. Shakje

    I'm not saying I think it's right...

    but surely the people complaining about the use of expenses this way don't think this is isolated? I would of thought that it was obvious that if paying for your cable on expenses is legal, then surely there's a lot of politicians from every party doing exactly the same. Strikes me as just plain naive to assume that this is a Labour only problem, or that the Tories would do anything to change it.

    However it's more than welcome to see Wacki getting done (maybe that should be Whacki from now on).

    Also, the potential next Home Secretary for the list somewhere above this, I'd suggest that Ian Blair was originally in the running for it, not sure if that's changed now..

  98. Jonathan
    Stop

    A Distraction?

    A quote by Noam Chomsky springs to mind:

    "When the press focuses on the sex lives of politicians, reach for your pocket, and see who’s pulling out your wallet."

    I for one am searching the papers today to try and identify which (probably more important) story is being buried by this one.

  99. Paul
    Thumb Up

    Great in bed... NOT

    I guess hubby prefers to spank the monkey than pork the ol' slapper!

  100. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Hubby needs to go

    Apparently he's employed at £40k to "manage her office", which he's clearly not capable of... it might be a bit much to ask for her to go for this (there are plenty better reasons) but he definitely should resign if she wants to save any face.

    Bloody hypocrites!

  101. Mad Mike

    Priests and Nuns (@al)

    ' I think the main course here is the double standards. Like a pri*st doing it with a n*n after a sermon.'

    Bearing in mind her legislation, I suspect Jacqui considers herself a nun. Her views with regard to s*x certainly seem Victorian and worse, so would match. However, it would appear her husband is a little more 'broad minded'.

    Personally, I would allow the expenses claim anyway. Having s*x with Jacqui would count as cruel and degrading treatment and probably violates the Geneva Convention on torture. So, it really counts as medical treatment on the NHS for having normal s*xual needs.

  102. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    RE:TWO showings of Oceans 13!?

    Maybe they weren't clever enough to understand it, those films can be a little tricky to understand.

  103. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I say, let her stay.

    Now she's been exposed as a hypocrite, she's less likely to be allowed to cause any harm.

    Get rid of her now, and they might replace her with the even less competent McNutty.

    Let her stay, at least until they've liberated the monsters under McNutty's bed as well.

  104. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @"livid and shocked"

    Good point. Give the man a hardcorez

  105. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    psych 101

    I think this explains a lot.

    She put out for her hubby - he spanks the monkey to pr0n - she decides all men are therefore sex-crazed deviants because they want it more than once a year and are therefore a danger to women, children, society or whatever and starts drafting "extreme pr0n laws"...

    Her whole anti-porn stance comes from her own mental/sexual hang-ups... this wouldn't surprise me in the least.

    And of course, her whole moral crusade is "for the greater good", what matter that the casualties along the way are freedom and justice. The NuLab manifesto reads like an excerpt from "Mein Kampf" - meh.

  106. Dave
    Flame

    Overdue

    Wacky Jacqui is now well past her sell-by date.

  107. Shig

    Jaquie smith should get fired

    Not with reference specifically to this; she's fucked up so many times in the past anyway. She's a complete fucking moron.

  108. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Domestic Violence review postponed

    Now it becomes clear why she didn't include domestic abuse against men in the recent review...

    This was the only option left to him as watching one of their own 'home videos' is now banned <shudder>. I think he'll be in the dog house for a while! (pun intended)

    Next she'll claim that she wasn't aware she was signing to put her second home on expenses!

    She should resign for not checking what she was actually signing for (gross negligence), or at the very least her husband who prepares the expense claim forms for her as her £40,000 Commons advisor (gross misconduct).

    Wacky Jacqui - get your coat and do us all a favour!

  109. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @John et al

    You have to SEARCH to find something more serious and damn disgusting that these parasites have done or are responsible for? On any given day/month/year? Wow...! Maybe you shouldn't be looking to the BBC or mainstream newspapers for your information! No offence meant, but really.

    I agree wholeheartedly that this, whilst beautifully ironic and delicious, is not important at all - but see how much excitement, chatter and indignation it generates amongst the flock. I assure you she couldn't give a f*ck about what the little people think about this story, if it's even true. There are MANY other things she would much rather we weren't discussing.

    This will make no difference to her career whatsoever.

  110. david

    Is he being serious?

    Gordon Brown has said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's use of Commons expenses for two adult films watched by her husband should be a "personal matter"

    Gordie old mate, it was a personal matter right up to the point we had to pay for it.

    And up to the point that your Home Secretary with the support of your government decided that the British public's 'personal matters' are actually a matter for government to poke their noses into.

    This wouldn't have caused half the splash it has if there wasn't for the moralistic posing by the Government to stir up the Mail readers. Paying back the tenner is a small hit on the wallet and in more permissive times the cash would come out of her wages and she'd walk away embarrassed but politically intact. Because the government has set itself up as moral arbiters they better make sure they are perfect or get a proper job.

    I wonder whether John's duties as part of 'running the office' is filling in the expenses claims (and hiding the receipts)?

  111. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Thinking Outside the Box

    Although you may be on to something I suspect (with a degree of cynicism) that actually the main reason "Call me Dave" isn't complaining too loudly is because he at the very least strongly suspects that many or all of his own MPs are abusing the expenses system at least as badly.

    If he says nothing, or supports this as a non-resignation event then if labour make a big thing about Tory expenses then labour will just look petty, childish and like they are trying to either legitimise their theft of public money because "everyone else does it" or they are trying to bury the story rather than address it.

    Also, as the party in power, if Labour go after the Tories without the Tories starting it then it will also look like they (Labour) knew what was going on, knew it was not really acceptable but let it continue in order to feather their own nests.

  112. Scott
    Thumb Up

    Proof

    Proof if needed that Earl Hickey is Jesus!!!!

  113. telecine
    Thumb Up

    Comedy Gold

    See title...

  114. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    El Reg

    My first thought on hearing this on the news was... I wonder what the comments will be like on the reg? Could we achieve a comments posting record?

  115. Jonathan
    Stop

    @AC (12:11 GMT)

    Hit the nail on the head there, Medialens here we come! However I doubt that honest, critical reporting will ever catch on within the red top loving herd.

    I found it funnier that the Daily Mail suggested THIS should be the reason she is fired!

  116. James Pickett
    Happy

    No confidence

    I see that Uncle Gordon couldn't even bring himself to say that she had his full confidence - just that she was doing a 'good job'. In comparison to whom, I wonder?

    I love the 'expenses logic' though. Internet access is 'communications', so when TV comes from the same provider, that's an allowed expense too! Only in Westminsterland...

  117. alain williams Silver badge

    What is the issue ?

    The fact that her husband has been watching smutty films is not the issue,

    that is something between him & her - it could make their relationship better or worse. It is not something that we need to know.

    The real issue is that she was claiming for something that was nothing to do with her parliamentary job. If she had claimed for her husband watching Bambi she should be thoroughly censured. Just repaying the claim is not good enough. If I were to lie to the Inland Revenue and the find out, they won't just ask me to repay what I hid from them, they will impose a penalty of up to 100%.

    MPs caught cooking the books should face the same penalties as the rest of us.

    Having said that: I do find the anti smut campaigner hoisted by her own petard very funny.

  118. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    MY EYES! MY EYES!!!

    You have been warned.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-daily-cartoon-760940.html

  119. Luther Blissett

    It couldn't have happened to a nicer person

    Wicked.

    Let's all help Ms Smiff along here. I'm about to print off a car sticker which says

    IT'S SOOOOO HARD FOR JACQUI SMIFF

  120. Dale Richards
    Coat

    @Fireworks

    'It's "hoist with own petard" surely? The bomb doesn't throw you.'

    I think you'll find it does in Soviet Russia.

  121. Lloyd
    Stop

    2 things

    Of course Gordon's going to defend her, he's the biggest w***er of all of them.

    If you had the choice of slipping that thing one or tugging off, which would you choose?

  122. Andy

    But her "main" residence is he sister's house...

    Wasn't whacki recently protesting that she spent "most" of her time living at her sister's place?

    If so why is she claiming internet OR tv at her "weekend" residence?

  123. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sorry if someone has already said this, but

    Hehe.

    ....

    Haha.

    ....

    Hahaha.

    .....

    ....

    BBWWWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    HAHAh

    HA

    haha

    Seriously though, shouldn't our ministers resign due to their incompetence rather than these silly tabloid issues?

    hehe

    pffffHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  124. This post has been deleted by its author

  125. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Petition to the PM is already up!

    and

    http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/provideevidencethatanonlinepetitionhaseverachievedanything

  126. John Smith Gold badge
    Flame

    @Johnathan, @david

    "When the press focuses on the sex lives of politicians, reach for your pocket, and see who’s pulling out your wallet."

    A very good point. I wonder what's being announced today?

    @david

    "Gordie old mate, it was a personal matter right up to the point we had to pay for it."

    All jokes aside this is the real core on this story. However I think the housing expenses is a lot bigger story.

  127. Tony

    Perhaps...

    ...If she spent a bit more time looking after her husbands needs and a bit less trying to f**k the rest of us he wouldn't have to rely on shite pay-per-view porn?

  128. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    We have the technology.

    Got that in one, Sarah. http://petitions.number10.gov.uk is a honey pot site which is used to populate another government database containing details of potential dissidents who may have to be quarantined come the revolution. Irresistible opportunity for the control freaks.

  129. John Curry
    Linux

    @ Ad Fundem

    Menstruating Manatee? Surely that HAS to be the title for Ubuntu 10.10???

  130. Dazed and Confused Silver badge

    Wacky

    So can we now look forward to her being referred to "Wack-off" Jacky

    Will there now be a box on all our tax forms to we can claim a tax exemption for grumble flicks?

    It's totally lame of her to blame her husband for this. But then what else would we expect from this government. If anything goes wrong - quick find someone else to blame.

    I remember years ago chatting to a bloke in a video rental store about "adult" and "below the counter tapes". He was saying that most of them were rented out by women during the day.

  131. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Just a thought, but....

    One of the things wacky did was introduce a new definition for "domestic violence" which makes shouting at an intimate partner a crime. (its on the CPS website)

    Given that she admits to giving him an ear bashing, he is an intimate partner and the basis of the "ear bashing" was something personal to there relationship perhaps Mr Timney should grow some man lumps and report his missus to the plod.

    Then we can see how quickly she tries to get off the DNA register.

    Aside from that I am still laughing and cant wait for question time on radio 4 this weekend!

    Paris, just because!

  132. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This all makes her a smut peddler

    selling porn to government, she is obviously delusional, one moment cracking down on the smut Peddlers and the next peddling the smut herself.

    As to domestic violence, the description of how she treated her husband, and the fact he has taken the can for this points to something even more sinister, I hope he wasn't hit or had to endure verbal or physical violence from Jacqui.

  133. Matt Jennings
    Coat

    Is this Fraud ?

    If so, maybe we should report it to the Police as Fraud, aren't they duty bound to follow up a complaint ?

    Mind you would we see the results ?

    I don't mind being taxed for something that I do but to be indirectly taxed for an MP's husbands W4nk......whatever next !

  134. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Just a thought, but....

    Interesting thought, also if memory serves, if someone reports it to the police, even if he doesn't they're still supposed to pursue the case and seen as she admited it on TV...

  135. Chronos Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Ha! Heh heh! *chuckle*

    One question that also springs immediately to mind: Why are we paying her broadband bill when she and her cohorts are determined to turn the 'net (or parts of it - they just don't seem to be able to grasp the architecture of the 'net) into some sanitised propaganda platform just like traditional one-way media, along with built-in "dissident" detection? I bet the bugger uses TPB as well.

    Still, as I said, har-de-fricking-har! Can't stop laughing, and I have been since I read this on the Beeb over the weekend. Her hubby likes the odd bluey (he's only human, after all), her party seems dead against it and is determined to "protect" our poor little minds (silly. A few of us can even separate fantasy from reality, despite the results of the last election and the content of the Labour manifesto indicating that this is a lost art for many), yet she submits the cost of her hubby's smutfest as expenses. Where was the nanny state then? The irony is delicious. It was worth paying the bill for the comedy factor alone!

    NuLabour, exposed again, from the inside by the loudest, most arrogant and visible (around here, at any rate) cabinet member possible. The PM himself couldn't have done a better job ;o)

    I have deliberately resisted using the Paris icon. There will, no doubt, be plenty of other posts upon which it appears to, um, gum up the works with.

  136. Thomas Jerome
    Coat

    EPIC LOSE.

    You could say that she's handed her political enemies a rather large stick with which to beat her.

    I don't mind indirectly contributing to someone else's onanism, so long as they or their spouses don't dictate what the rest of us can and can't masturbate to.

    Mine's the black lederjacke with the rolled up copy of Fister's Monthly in the pocket.

  137. Bumhug

    Missed the obvious excuse

    Should of claimed it was research....

    Am I the only one scared that this woman could end up as PM. Conservatives should win the next election hands down, by the time the election after that rolls round the global recession will be over and they will win another term. Next election and cracks are starting to show but Labour have yet to find anyone with any personality to challange. After that election though cameron steps down wanting to leave at the top (and more importantaly knows there is a shit storm on the way) and someone who has zero chance of winning the next election gets made party leader and our PM. Labour see this is their best chance of winning but dont want to take any risks and need a dead cert, they think about going the obama route but dont want to scare middle england so instead decide a woman is the best bet to secure votes. And thats how Jacqui Smith ends up as PM

  138. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Go

    [What]dangle Contest!

    I would like to suggest a contest following in the brilliance of twatdangle. If ever a situation existed that cried out for a single word description, a moralistic crusader caught in a 'tryst' of fate, as it were, certainly demands such recognition. Rules are simple, a single word is to be submitted for judging. The word may be a redefined existing word or a new word, such as a portmanteau. Please feel free to include sources if the word is a portmanteau and you feel the blended words are not obvious. You may also submit a brief definition to set the scope of the word.

    A FUQ - No that is Answers to Frequently Unasked Questions

    No, the submission can't be santorum but it may be included in a portmanteau.

    Not needing a 'dangle' component, participles happen.

    Yes, multiple entries are allowed.

    Not valid where prohibited by law. Your mileage may vary. Odds of winning vary depending on number of entries, mood of judges and quantity of beer consumed during judging. Judges decisions are final. Unpleasant side effects may include anal seepage, sore ribs, teary eyes, moist keyboards and uncontrolled flatulence. Please call a doctor if an erection lasts for more than fourteen hours.

  139. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    bashing the bishop

    Must say the photos of the tosser show him looking decidedly peeky - too much bashing or a sleepless night worrying about the prospects of him remaining attached to his testicles? Maybe both - the logic being: give'em one last going over before punishment is enacted.

    I for one will be keeping an eye on la Smith's earings to see if she gets a new pair in the near future.

    I expect she is suitably vengeful, the cheating harridan.

  140. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Can we work out the titles?

    The BBC tantalises us with the news that Virgin's porno pipes delivered the movies on 6 and 8 April 2008 at £5 a time. Is there any hope of narrowing down what sort of filth gets Mr. Home Secretary going?

    And surely a Playmobil reconstruction of salient plot points for those of us who don't subscribe to Beardie muck is in order?

  141. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Different photo needed

    This

    http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/Jacqui Smith.jpg

    looks like it might have been taken shortly after watching those flix.

  142. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Pulitzer winning journalism here

    The Telegraph has deployed its formidable resources to determine that Virgin were satisfying the Home Secretary's husband with "Raw Meat 3" and "By Special Request".

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/labour/5072701/Jacqui-Smith-under-pressure-over-husbands-adult-film-expense-claims.html

    Any of the Reg's readers able to tell us more about these epic titles - especially "Raw Meat 3"? Does it achieve the tricky task of being a good third movie in the series - which is hard to pull off [snigger] - Jaws 3D, Rocky 3 and Return of the Jedi all failed to keep the high standards of their predecessors.

  143. Bruno Girin
    Thumb Up

    Playmobil

    "However, if the net effect of these allegations is that she becomes a figure of fun, her position may yet become untenable."

    Therefore, it is El Reg's civic duty to provide us with a Playmobil reconstruction so that we can make her into a figure of fun. Come on El Reg, you know you want to!

  144. Zorro
    Go

    We pay for Gordon to watch movies and sport as well

    I have to point out that we pay for Gordon Brown's subscription to the Sky Movies and Sky Sports packages as well. I'd really like to know how he can with a straight face say that is necessary for him to perform his ministerial duty. Therefore it looks like the PM is guilty of fraud against the taxpayer and should be arrested immediately.

    Won't someone rid us of this absolutely arrogant, hypocritical, venal, corrupt, turgid government. Please. Now. Or Soon. We cannot put up with another year with this lunatic in charge.

  145. Lionel Baden

    @Yet Blunkett can bed-hop and the boys go "yeah, respect!"

    Yeah but he isnt the one preaching that We shouldnt bed hop

  146. Tony

    We're up to our ears in gloaters here.

    "Can I come in for a gloat?" they shout.

    We shout back "Oh you heartless gloaters!"

    Tell you what - I will believe you are not a gloater if you can just tell me.... Which expenses DIDN'T she fiddle?

  147. Youngdog
    Happy

    @Eddy Ito

    Preachfisted

    Daisnaid (pronouned dayz-nade for do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do)

    Kismited (kismet - smited)

    or perhaps my favourite

    Karmarinated

  148. TeeCee Gold badge
    Black Helicopters

    How to make your own news.

    This story was broken by the Express? I wonder how they found out......*

    *Note for Americans and anyone else not paying attention. The proprietor of the Express also happens to own a selection of subscription-only porn channels** offered on a variety of carriers including, er, Virgin.

    **Yup. Being accused of depravity by a professional smutmonger must irk a bit. I laughed.

  149. david

    @eddy ito

    wanksacked?

    could be reused for anyone losing their job for prOn related reasons.

    (OK I know it hasn't happened yet but having the PM say he's right behind her it can't be long)

  150. James Pickett

    More joy

    http://oldrightie.blogspot.com/2009/03/home-secretary-does-expenses.html

    BTW, is this the most rapidly commented El Reg item ever? Must be in the running...

  151. Juillen

    Oh, the humanity!

    Seriously, it shows that she has a human family (which actually gives me comfort.. I thought she was an alien, with all the general level of empathy she seems to share with the rest of the human race, given her policies)..

    It gave me a huge laugh.... Still snickering away..

    On the scale of cash she deals with, this kinda thing is easy to miss (a triviality in the grand scheme of things).. I'd happily pay the bill myself just to get the laughs..

    It does kinda knock her credibility on all the puritanical legislation she puts out there, and it'll be interesting to see her cross those bridges when she comes to them..

  152. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Happy Husbands and Willing Wives

    This is just the tip of the iceberg, there are far more substantial expenses claimed for:

    Two pay-per-view adult movies - £5 each

    Two pay-per-view screenings of the Hollywood blockbuster Ocean's 13 - £3.75 each

    Pay-per-view screening of the animated cartoon Surf's Up - £3.50

    Habitat stone model sink - £550

    Bath plug - 88p

    Dining room table - £460

    Sofabed - £704

    Antique fireplace - £1,000. Also claimed for coal to burn in it.

    Hotpoint cooker - £399

    Connection fee for installing cooker - £15

    Hotpoint tumble dryer - £189

    Ariston washing machine - £249

    Zanussi washing machine - nearly £300

    Entertainment centre including DVD players, two Samsung widescreen televisions and two digital set-top boxes - more than £1,100

    Total: £4987.88 (est.)

    Not too shabby! Nice little earner on the side. Not forgetting it is excluding the £23,000 per year for her 'second house' in London (that belongs to her sister).

    My favourite quote of the day: Lembit Opik, the Liberal Democrat MP, said that Miss Smith had been "compromised".

  153. David Hicks
    Happy

    Delicious, delicious irony

    This could only have been better if it was "Extreme".

    I hate that woman.

  154. RW

    <yawn>

    Once again, NuLabour and Mrs. Timney demonstrate that they (and those close to them) do not understand the difference between "right" and "wrong".

    I had an attack of the giggles when a "Downing street source" used the phrase "done the right thing" in respect of this fiasco. Downing Street wouldn't recognize the right thing to do if it jumped up and bit them on their asses.

    Why is there no "I'm bored and going to sleep" icon for comments on these endless reports of NuLabour malfeasance? It's gotten so predictable that . . . I'm bored and going to sleep.

    PS: I have a horrible idea that the Conservatives would do no better.

    PPS: But if anyone's willing to make the trade, Canada will be happy to swap its Prime Minister and his too-close-together beady little eyes for Mrs. Timney. I think the CBC could make good use of her in a comedy show.

  155. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  156. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    There is a god

    lordy lordy, halleujah.

  157. Ad Fundum

    @ Mike Richards

    Unfortunately The Telegraph is not being terribly specific - it's just says that those films were showing on one of the nine possible channels on the nights in question. So we haven't yet nailed down the blighter's viewing habits.

    Working logically, I deduce that one of the features must have been scat-related, because shitting all over everyone is obviously a Smith family trait. I guess that the the other must have been a BDSM film - on the basis that she's been trying to thrust a ball-gag in the mouths of anyone who speaks their mind for a long time.

  158. richard
    Stop

    anonymous coward - please tell me that list is a joke?

    she claimed for all that stuff?

    nah, come on man, please don't let it be true. i can feel the rage boiling already.......please, come on, you've made it up?

  159. Spider
    Unhappy

    I don't wish to be misunderstood

    Get out, you amoral money grasping hag.

    Stop the charade about "well, it was in the rules", that's up there with "I was only following orders". Which, on reflection, is apt for someone who has lead the biggest assault on civil liberties on the Islands since Operation Sealion. Does she really think it appropriate to spend our money on those items? Does she hell. It is simply viewed as what's owed to them. That's why they maximise their "allowances" in this manner. Stop patronising us.

    I have not laughed so hard since I heard Gordon Braun state "it was a personal matter".. Did you not know comrade? There are no personal matters anymore. Everything is subject to scrutiny. Your emails, your browsing habits (thats got to be a goldmine for the tabloids in the Timney household). Failure to comply indicates terrorist sympathies, as does criticism of the Junta. You shall finally reap what you have sown.

    Get out the lot of you, take your £550 sinks, your second incomes for partners/mistress' who pretend to work for you, your allowance for a second home 5 mins from your first, your years severance pay for losing an seat in the great gravy train that is parliament and simply FOAD.

    You will be remembered with more vitriol, loathing and disgust than any living politician. Some legacy.

  160. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All true I'm afraid

    Sorry if you thought I was joking - I'm afraid not, the truth is stranger than fiction.

    Source:

    Jacqui Smith expenses claims total £157,631

    http://sundayexpress.co.uk/posts/view/91920/VIDEO-JACQUI-SMITH-PUT-ADULT-FILMS-ON-EXPENSES

    Quote:

    "Documents submitted to the Commons authorities show Ms Smith has claimed £150,304 for the cost of running a second home since 2001, including fully fitting it out.

    The Sunday Express has seen the documents that show Ms Smith has claimed for virtually every major household item over the past five years, right down to the kitchen sink."

    In other news, Virgin Media report a surge in demand for their pay-per-view adult channels following their detailed analysis in the national press, especially the Daily Fail:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1165611/Blue-movies-expenses-Jacqui-Smiths-husband-apologises-watching-porn--paid-taxpayer.html?printingPage=true

  161. Lloyd
    Thumb Up

    It's on Google

    Turn off safe search, google "Raw Meat 3" in images and tell me that isn't gay porn?

    I can't find anything on "By Special Request" though.

    Thumbs up because... well boys will be boys and it would appear that the raw meat boys know what to do with them.

  162. Sceptical Bastard
    Flame

    Benefit fraud is only fraud if you're poor

    Let me be the first - sorry, 150th - commentard to say I am delighted this fat vile ugly repressive authoritarian bitch-troll has been exposed as a hyprocrite. Nu Lamer's Pornbuster General has seemingly been hoisted by her (husband's) own petard.

    We already knew she was fiddling her expenses - that means stealing OUR money - so the porn angle is just the cherry on the cake.

    What is the difference - morally and practically - between impoverished benefit claimants "doing the doubles" and Smith, McNulty, Conway and the rest fiddling expenses and making dodgey claims to defraud us of public money? None. Except the poor get caught. Why are MPs the only people who can't see the difference?

    I am fed up with these holier-than-thou pompous swine lording it over the rest of us. As I've said before, it's about time we stopped taking it up the arse from these rebartitive scum, stormed the Palace of Westminster, draged a few of them out into Parliament Square and hanged them from the lamp-posts. Pour l'encourager les autres, you understand.

    As to the numerous comments about Smith's hubby needing the dirty films to steel his nerve (fnar fnar) before performing his marital duties, I very much doubt if he's fucked the bloated pig in decades. I mean, would YOU?

    Finally, @MY EYES and the link:

    http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-daily-cartoon-760940.html ...

    ... that is disgusting! Utterly disgusting! :)

  163. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You cannot make this shit up!

    "The curtains remained drawn today at Miss Smith's constituency home in Redditch, where her husband issued an apology yesterday.

    There was no sign of Mr Timney at the property today and the only notable activity was a visit from a glamour model sent by a tabloid newspaper to offer him a selection of pornography.

    The woman, armed with a wicker basket laden with more than £100-worth of DVDs and magazines, including the latest editions of Razzle and Fiesta, received no reply after pressing a buzzer at the gates of the house.

    Wearing a white sleeveless crop-top adorned with the logo of the Sunday Sport, the model then exercised her chihuahua-terrier cross, which was wearing a miniature hoody, on a grassed area opposite Miss Smith's home."

    Lembit Opik, the Liberal Democrat MP, said "I haven't got any particular issue about what they watch in their own time, I do have an issue about the fact that he has compromised her.''

    I did not need to hear that, it has conjured up a horrible image in my mind.

    David Davis, the former shadow home secretary, added "My first response was under what category would this expense claim be?"

    Absolutely hilarious! It's made my day - couldn't have happened to a nicer woman...

  164. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pigs in the trough

    "Miss Smith is being investigated because of complaints about her decision to designate her sister's house in south London, where she stays, as her "main" home, allowing her to claim back the costs of running her family house in her Redditch constituency.

    The arrangement allows her to put the cost of running the family home in her constituency of Redditch, Worcestershire, on the public purse, on top of her £141,866-a-year salary.

    Her overall expenses claim, including travel, office and staffing costs, was £157,631.

    That sum included 25 journeys for her husband, Richard Timney, who is employed as her Parliamentary assistant, at a cost to the public purse of £2,531."

  165. Mycho Silver badge

    @That list being a joke

    Can't vouch for the truth of it but http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20090330/882/twl-jacqui-smith-s-household-expenses-cl.html claims it was reported in the telegraph.

  166. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: [What]dangle contest

    Isn't "Hoist on own petard" good enough?

    Why invent something new when a perfectly good expression already exists?

    I'm sure you can google an explanation of where the expression originally came from?

  167. Duncan Hothersall
    Flame

    @ BLoad

    I don't mean to mock the afflicted, but for fuck's sake - Timney IS her husband you cock.

  168. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Sacking?

    Let's face it - Brown is never going to sack her two days before the G20 protests. She's got a database to run so the government can keep track of all these nasty people running round expressing opionions.

  169. william henderson
    Thumb Down

    just another abuser of privelidge.

    using expenses as a second income.

    why am i not surprised.

    bunch of crooks too bent to see the fraud.

  170. Chris Hartley
    Thumb Up

    Ha ha ha ha ha....

    ...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Crank the schadenfreude up to 11.

    Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person

  171. dervheid
    Thumb Down

    Surely she can't wriggle out of this one?

    Oh, she has.

  172. Stuart
    Happy

    158 comments!!!!!, slap my arse with a fish

    Haven't even bothered to read any yet, just had to post the fact that in all my years as a sad pc wako, I've never seen such an outpouring from the sad pc wako populace. I'll take my time and savor the vitriol later; but if this woman was in to S&M I just know there are plenty of people out their ready and willing to give her a good spanking. Bend over Jacqui for the flagellating fish cometh, or would you prefer to tie the hubby down, I’ll only charge him 4 pound a shot (should get that one passed the bean counters).

  173. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who was Chez Smith on the nights in question?

    Interesting that Mr Timney 'fessed up outside the garden gate so quickly. I wonder who else was Chez Smith on the nights in question? Because if their 15 or 10 year-old boys were exposed to some racy material* deliberately, the Smiths might be facing a police enquiry into possible offences of grooming and/or exposure under the same Sexual Offences Act that Jacqui has so assidiously used on the rest of the population.

    * Knowing the reputation of Beardy, one cannot imagine that his offerings were anything but the purest 'e-row-teaker' .

  174. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Call for Kevin Turvey!

    We need Kevin Turvey, Redditch's premier investigative journalist to check out the story!

    [img]http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51JWC0Q5CXL._SL500_AA280_.jpg[/img]

  175. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Bwahahahahahahahahahaha

    Still laughing....

    I suppose you could argue that this is a one off (the wrist) but I suspect it isn't.

    Wacqui, don't forget m'dear, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

    Now, anyone else fancy signing her up for a few swinger websites?

    Paris, No reason, honest...

  176. Christopher
    Heart

    He pressed "Yes" when he meant "No"

    Leave the poor man alone; he was simply trying to access "Driving Miss Daisy," however stumbled upon "Bangkok Chick Boys" instead...

  177. ThinkingOutLoud
    Unhappy

    Incest?

    Since JS is claiming her sister's house to be her primary residence and hubby & kids live in the "secondary" home, should we assume there is something dodgy going on?

    Hey, hubby's need for substitute comfort only reinforces where I'm going with this.

    Political corruption just isn't interesting enough these days!

    I normally use PH icon but Sad Face this time because none quite fit.

  178. B B Beyer
    Joke

    Poor old Jacqui...

    ...she does have her knockers.

    (Remember that low cut top she wore at the despatch box?!)

  179. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    doesn't deserve to go yet ?

    Come off it FFS!

    She's used the public purse allegedly according to BBC to pay for everything from dinners to entertainment systems for her "second home". Firstly it isn't her second home, it belongs to a family member secondly it would appear that the movie being watched was on an "entertainment system" paid for by the the taxpayer out of expenses in her main home.

    I think we can work out that this tends to indicate that if true, she's about as straight as a merchant banker.

    She needs to go. She's as dodgy as some of the bankers her departments should be building charges against.

    Talking of merchant bankers - I Give you her husband. Boom Boom !

  180. MnM

    Two Tugs Timney

    No oranges, asphyxiation, nazis... this is pathetic. In any other circumstances I'd say Mr Timney should be ashamed of himself, but in his household, I can understand him being a little repressed. Still, I imagine it's menage a un's for him for quite some time now - hopefully he'll broaden his horizons.

    Delicious, too, that the Home Sec has suffered a little taste of privacy invasion. Data captured for an apparently straightforward, commonsense reason (and she often reminds us what a straightforward, sensible lady she is) has ended up betraying entirely unintended information about her home life. She's intellectually bereft and is a major error of judgement on the part of the PM.

  181. Ricky H
    Coat

    ha ha ha ha haaa

    I lolled IRL. then punched a newspaper bearing her fugly mug. try harder at destroying our civil liberties next time, if you get one Wacki Jacqui.

  182. Steve Evans

    More to the point...

    WTF are we doing paying for her to have cable TV at all! I don't have it at home, I don't think it comes under a necessary expense, especially with the option of freeview, or don't they have to justify any expenses?

  183. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Local Constabulary investigating............

    .

    Rumour has it that the other embarrassing item claimed for, the 88p plug, was in fact not a bath plug, but a butt plug.

  184. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Surely ...

    "the benefits outweighed any illegality"

  185. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Motion of no confidence

    the good folks of Redditch should call one. Unless of course they condone her actions.

    The opposition should be using motions of no confidence continually on this Labour government, the sooner they get Labour out the sooner this country can recover.

    It is the oppositions democratic duty to do this, and the media should be looking into how MPs can be unseated so people are aware of the methods to do it. A democracy is rule by the people, not rule by government, they are put in until they screw up, and this government have set a new record on screw ups.

  186. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    Re: AC@17:23

    "Isn't "Hoist on own petard" good enough?"

    No it isn't. In terms of notoriety, it sucks, inasmuch as it is far too broad and it doesn't roll off the tongue. We live in a short attention span society and as such any phrase over three syllables is passe, insignificant and obscure unless it can be presented in a single word. The whole world has become about branding and if the best brand you can come up with is a line from Hamlet you don't get any points for originality, style or grace. That said, the reason for a contest is simple - for shits and giggles. So lighten up, stay away from the hoitards and have a brew.

  187. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    SPEAK UR BRANES

    Jacqui Smith is a female chauvinist pig, along with that Harriet Harmen. These women are always complaining. Here comes the nanny state and the pc brigade! Read my lips: put them in a rocket and fire them in to the sun. Mrs Thatcher must be spinning in her grave!

    NuLabour MUST GO, Big Brother UK

  188. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    We must be kind to him...

    Folks, please, as a public show of understanding to Mr. Whacky, please send him something to view on the telly as he won't be allowed to charge it anymore. Remember to address the DVDs and VHS tapes to him personally so his wife doesn't open them and throw them out.

  189. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: @Just a thought, but....

    That was my first thought as well. Isn't there an anonymous tip-off line for reporting such things, after all, we're all supposed to be poice informers these days. Such sweet justice.

  190. jake Silver badge

    @Tony 13:25 (was "Perhaps...)

    " ...If she spent a bit more time looking after her husbands needs and a bit less trying to f**k the rest of us he wouldn't have to rely on shite pay-per-view porn?"

    That was going to be my comment ... did I know you in Yorkshire in the '70s?

    The people are beginning to get really irritated ... This is going to become interesting before long.

    "May you live in interesting times." --Old Chinese curse.

  191. An nonymous Cowerd
    Coat

    A whole Database

    bringing this story back to an IT footing, some MP last night was explaining that the 'whole parliamentary shopping database' is onsale in a dodgy pub somewhere for around 300 thousand pounds!

    rant

    it's shocking! how low and how reasonable those terms are!!!!!, why just one Random MP (Jacqui) has managed to burn through around 150 thousand pounds 'expenses' since 2001 (source:SUN), plus there's another 645 of these MP heroes.

    using bad maths thats 150k x 646 = around 97 million quid

    That means the illegal stolen £300k memory stick whole-parliamentary-database could quickly pay for itself!!!!!!!! A bargain at half the price if it could cure rampant MP quantitative expense easing.

    Now this precedent has been set, I wonder how much a mem-stick of Waki-Jacqui's national Überdatabase would sell for?? Radio4 mentioned that the Land Registry online database is currently being sociologically hacked, with skilful gangs silently transferring property ownership and selling your house away from under you!

    in the same vein "illegal Überdatabase mem-stick " (c) (tm) copies would be a best seller,

    may I just have a final chortle at Wacquis/Timneys come-uppance, according to the Hamburg adbendblatte.de the films were (Titel aus dem Angebot: "Schmutzige Anfängerinnen" oder "Verdorbene Amateure") "Dirty beginners" or "Corrupt Amateurs"!!!! /rant

  192. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    It happens the other way too.....

    http://newsbiscuit.com/2009/03/31/shame-of-porn-star-caught-watching-parliament-channel/

  193. rob hindle

    What else did he need?

    Has Jacquie claimed on her expenses for Kleenex tissues - a possible accessory for solo viewing of porno films

  194. Osiris
    Joke

    Surely

    Does this mean my ID card will have a space for 'favorite porno'?

  195. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    you know

    It's funny that there's a new government propaganda series "sex education vs pornography" I mean they must have found the dumbest teenagers in the world if they didn't know that porn was - you know - not the best guide to real life, and as if any teenegers watch it, just a load of miserable people tutting, except maybe a few dozen teens who have less brains then sex drive.

    and lets face it, any really good realistic porn runs the risk of being illegal becouse it doesn't come with a bbfc rating on it.

  196. Pat

    Crime and Punishment

    So how will Wacky punish him - deny him sex or <shudder> oblige him to perform?

    Obvious excuse = "I was told to research effects of a physical stimulation."

    Fiscal stimulation, geddit? ( probably causing, fittingly, a chorus of groans)

  197. Lomax
    Dead Vulture

    Bye bye Jacqui!

    After overcoming the immediate outburst of uncontrollable laughter and unbridled feelings of schadenfreude I still, several days after this story broke, find myself sporting a most satisfied grin. Finally this evil woman and her shameless double standards have been exposed! For too long we have let her erode our hard won liberties and forcibly impose her twisted morals upon the nation. The fact that her fall came at the hands of pr0n I find particularly suitable - she has crusaded tirelessly against all forms of sexual expression and, under the guise of "protecting" us from our own erotic fantasies, has introduced some of the most draconian big brother laws ever seen in this country.

    Someone should conduct a "Remote search" of her computers as a matter of urgency - the people have a right to know whether the home secretary may in fact be in breach of her own laws on the possession of adult material. This should of course also apply to the two films in question; did they contain any scenes of "simulated rape" or any activities that might cause physical harm? If so, the mere act of having watched them could be a matter for the police!

    Nothing to hide, nothing to fear, eh Jacqui? Now get the F**K OUT OF HERE - and take your fascist legislation with you!

    Lomax

  198. EdwardP
    Flame

    Oink.

    Big man, pig man, ha ha charade you are.

    You well heeled big wheel, ha ha charade you are.

    And when your hand is on your heart,

    You're nearly a good laugh,Almost a joker,

    With your head down in the pig bin,

    Saying "Keep on digging."

    Pig stain on your fat chin.

    What do you hope to find.

    When you're down in the pig mine.

    You're nearly a laugh,

    You're nearly a laugh

    But you're really a cry.

    Bus stop rat bag, ha ha charade you are.

    You fucked up old hag, ha ha charade you are.

    You radiate cold shafts of broken glass.

    You're nearly a good laugh,

    Almost worth a quick grin.

    You like the feel of steel,

    You're hot stuff with a hatpin,

    And good fun with a hand gun.

    You're nearly a laugh,

    You're nearly a laugh

    But you're really a cry.

    Hey you, Whitehouse,

    Ha ha charade you are.

    You house proud town mouse,

    Ha ha charade you are

    You're trying to keep our feelings off the street.

    You're nearly a real treat,

    All tight lips and cold feet

    And do you feel abused?

    You gotta stem the evil tide,

    And keep it all on the inside.

    Mary you're nearly a treat,

    Mary you're nearly a treat

    But you're really a cry.

  199. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    How ironic..

    What a fantastic story. Love it when politicians draw lines that even they can't stay behind.

    Fantastic writing as always John. Keep it up.

  200. Gary

    The Mind Boggles

    Nothing wrong with watching porn at all. Would the money not have been better spent buying Wacky (Does she wack him?) Jacky a basque, nylons, sussies, and heels? Must go now. Please excuse the shaky handwriting------------ At least now she can say NOTHING to the erst of us real people!

    Gary

  201. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Karma's a bitch

    ...and so is Jacqui Smith.

    200th comment? New world record.

  202. Tom
    Thumb Down

    The most annoying thing about all this....

    Obviously excluding the hideous investment of my taxes, is that if she gets the boot in the next few months, she will refuse to recognise that it was her own doing, and vhermently uphold the belief she was loved by all, placing all blame on her husband for looking at porn. for christ sake woman,

    i will not be held responsable if i see your vacant self loving, thick hided, self serving keeshter on morning television again (unless accompanied by the words 'towering inferno'), last week you cost me a pair of trousers, they 'came apart at the seams', ironicaly enough.

    For the love of St Micheal (patron saint of of the hook suit trousers).

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