message in a bottle
It almost might be worth taking a trip with them just so I could take a leak in a bottle and hand it to one of the on board shop assistants for disposal.
hmmm they just better hope I dont need a dump!!
Budget aerial cattle transporter Ryanair may ask the self-loading cargo to pay for a visit to the loo, chief exec Michael O'Leary suggested today. He told the BBC: "One thing we have looked at in the past and are looking at again is the possibility of maybe putting a coin slot on the toilet door so that people might actually …
I was very happy the other day, stranded in an airport in Istanbul, with only coin-operated luggage trolleys as far as the eye could spy. I'm a Norwegian, so I did not have on me any of the local currency, nor any Euro coins.
I finally hunted down an abandoned trolley and solved my problem that way.
To Ryanair: Peeing in a cup is free. Your move.
The last time I flew with Ryanair, they did not switch off the seatbelt signs throughout the flight (it was only 20 minutes, but still!) meaning we couldn't use the toilet anyway!
If it lowers the cost of flights, I'm all for it though. I can get from A to B without hold baggage, physical check-ins or on-board toilets =]
That said, I didn't have a pound on me either...
This smacks of utter stupidity! Firstly, there has to be at least one law that ensures people are able to perform their excretory duities. Not to mention pregnant women, those with illnesses and medical conditions and children!
Also, it won't be long before someon takes total umbridge at this farce and just craps in their seat. The cleanup cost alone would be more than a flight would make in bog-fare!
Ryanair are to air travel what DSGi are to retailing - a rubbish, liberty-taking half-penny operation that has no business whatsoever in being there!
How long until they start weighing people and charging by the pound? Well, how long?
Maybe you should be charged extra if you're not proficient on the 737-800 via a flight sim. The co-pilot could be removed freeing an extra seat and driving down the cost of air travel. Any problems with the pilot flying and a passenger can help out.
I've never flown Ryanair, because I think they are the greatest example of how to screw a customer for every cent, threat them like crap and then say that they are doing the customer a favour.
But I can't wait for this to happen and I'll be on the first flight.
Half way through the flight I'll stand up in the middle of the aisle, get the Pee bottle I use for mountaining, whip out the old fellow and proceed to carry out a vital bodily function in full view. If they try to stop me I'll explain that since they provide no free facilities I've had to make my own arrangements, what else can I do. I can't really step outside and it would be unhygenic to do it in the galley area.
I really hope Micheal O'leary gets hit by some blue ice fairly soon.
I was lucky enough to catch the interview on the beeb this morning. It was hilarious. The interviewers were doing their best to sound shocked and appalled and to try to get his back up and he simply kept laughing at them and using the whole thing as a free five minute advert. He even managed to get a few digs in at BA.
In response to an aggressive question about the costs for checked-in baggage he replied along the lines;
"Well, you can either pay us £34 for the ticket and then a few quid extra if you need baggage or you can pay BA £100 more and they'll just lose your bags for you".
He was on cracking form for 07:45.
I've never travelled with Ryanair and have no plans to but I do admire his bare-faced cheek. If people want to fly for next to nothing and then bitch like mad when they get charged a whole load of extras then that's up to them. It's not like there isn't any competition in the market.
It's false economy! Flying from Butt-F-Nowhere airport to BFN airport that you have to get to and from, paying for baggage, paying for food, and now paying for going to the toilet! Charging you twice for drinking!
The problem they might have as well is that, as Ryanair are so obviously penny-pinching, passengers can become (even more) tight. As in peeing into bottles. So instead of reducing the cleaning of the toilets, all Ryanair flights will just stink of piss. Niiice...
As for stopping counter check-ins, what is one to do when Ryanair cancels (yet another) flight and one is rebooked? (As has happened to me, twice in the same day, but let's not go there...)
I can assure Michael O'Leary that I've got on at least 2 Ryanair flights myself with less than a pound in cash in my pocket.
Has anyone else noticed the startling similarity between Mr O'Leary, and David Kelly as Mr O'Reilly the builder? Watching him on BBC news this morning I was sure we were going to get some "The problem with you, Mr. Turnbull, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be. " action.. I was sorely disappointed that instead he just wittered on about taking more of your money for less of the "product" supplied.. Maybe the reason I see the similarity is the "Cowboy looking to rip you off" aspect of them both..
Ryan insisted this would "not inconvenience passengers travelling without cash", as Reuters puts it, and offered: "I don't think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound."
haaah.. that's a new definition of passenger travelling without cash. to avoid the I propose they put a credit card reader on the door so that they can add an extra surcharge for paying by credit card.
if it is going to cost me £3.50 to spend a penny, I'll make double sure it won't be just a penny, but a big number 2 quarter pounder with the extra christmas trimming.
as if the ryanair plane were not bad enough, there will be the added bonus of the possibility of getting a wet sit cos' incontinent pennyless passenger could not hold it in for long enough.
I'll just piss on the floor then, or maybe in to a bottle which I can hand to the poor underpaid air steward. I know its not their fault but its all about lowering the cost of travel (to me). Actually I made a decision a year ago to never board one of their flights again and intend that to remain the case. If I can afford someone slightly dearer then its not worth going.
Go, because well sometime you just have to...
Swineair will also allow to make telephone calls on flights thereby turning their airplanes into flying telephone boxes. I expect that it will not be too long until the airplanes smell like one as well.
Flame Icon, 'cos when you mouse over it the alttext says ""I am pretty pissed off and what follows is accompanied by steam coming out of my ears, etc, etc"
Therre will be lots of steam in the ruinair aircaft, but none of will be coming form my ears...
Many will complain about this, others already complain about the very high charges for breaking the 15kg baggage allowance (there's that whole debate about fat people that could be unleashed here, but perhaps that'd be clouding the issue) and the expensive food items (charged the same in Sterling and Euros last time I flew).
What customers have to remember is that by making lots of things that come as standard 'optional' they can keep the flight prices down. Despite oil prices and all the financial gubbins going down, I've always found budget airlines to be just that. And all the time Ryanair are prepared to ferry me to France and back for barely more than £50, they're welcome to charge for the extras.
Aside from which, if you can't get used to the idea of having a slash before you fly and keeping the rest in until you land, then you probably shouldn't be flying.
"Ryan insisted this would "not inconvenience passengers travelling without cash", as Reuters puts it, and offered: "I don't think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound."
He concluded: "We're all about finding ways of raising discretionary revenue so we can keep lowering the cost of air travel.""
Of course, we do everything to make your journey as pleasant as possible. We just forgot to take into account passengers have recently been re-potty trained in light of terrorism to remember they aren't allowed to carry anything unless it's sealed in a tiny plastic bag and doesn't look like it might scare untrained staff into shitting their government issued pampers. Imagine the paper cuts from a fresh fiver! Can't have that can we, no sir.
Let's lower the price of a ticket, so we can charge you more for use of the privy. It's only logical!
I'll just travel in swimming trunks and pee on the seat. <yuck>
However: isn't there a law against ripping off captive audiences? Its not like you have a choice about where to pee/crap when airborne. If a pub or train station want to charge - well, ok, I have a choice, I can walk down the street or try a shop. And what if you're ill - I don't fancy fumbling for loose change when I'm about to heave up my lunch.
Meanwhile cue the first parent-with-baby issue. Want to charge me a quid to change the nappy? Horsefeathers, I'll change it in the aisle for free and stick the dirty one in the aircrew's rest area. Or I'll leave it smelly for the whole flight - doesn't bother me, I'm used to it but your business customers may get miffed when the whole plane reeks of cr..... and the kid won't stop screaming.
Money-grubbing idiots, the lot of them.
ive stepped onboard a ryanair plane without a shiny pound coin in my pocket before... its not uncommon for me to wander about with just folding cash and plastic if im travelling light...
I suppose, for a laugh we could get a bunch of mates to fly, get the cabin staff to change £50 notes or just piss on the seats!
If you're allowed to stay in there for the whole trip. Better legroom, no screaming children (or screaming adults, either) and no queuing for the loo.
However, I can't help thinking that they'll implement a timer, so after your few minutes are up the bog seat will turn into "ejector" mode and flip you out into the aisle, whether you're ready or not.
I wonder if they'll also have a "priority boarding" option for if you reeeeeely, need to go NOW.
I'm going to be contrary and say I really, honestly don't care. I'll pay a quid for a wee on a flight that cost less than the equivalent bus ticket if I can't wait till the aiport. It's like paying a quid not to get all stressed and upset and irate about something which is in fact utterly inconsequential. And yes, I'll fly Ryanair if it's going where I want it to for less than someone else would charge. I've done it before. I'd do it again.
Ticketmaster charging me £4 to print my own gig tickets, though, that I object to. At least the Ryanair thing has some rationale, however outrageous and flimsy.
I would bet that amount, though, that none of you lot insisting you'd righteously piddle all over the plane like point-proving chimps would ever dare. I would bet more.
I'd boycott/protest/resist on some issues, for sure, but not this one. Sorry. Don't have the energy.
Before moving to Oz (which has no real concept of budget airlines) I used Ryanair quite a lot. As long as you know what you are buying and can travel light then it is fine. It got me to places I wouldn't have thought to visit otherwise for silly prices (Barcelona for 20 quid return for example). I normally try and use the loo at the airport anyway as in flight toilets are an ordeal, but if faced with this, I would be sorely tempted to just piss in my seat.
"...raising discretionary revenue so we can keep lowering the cost of air travel"
To the several above, there is nothing contradictory here. The key is the word "discretionary".
Look it up. It's a Friday afternoon. You've clearly nothing better to do.
"How will they deal with passenger getting on in foreign parts with NO UK Currency?"
Not really a problem since a £1 and a 1 euro coin are about the same size - there are quite a few machines round these parts which will quite happily take euros or sterling, so a suitable coin slot for the khazi is unlikely to present an insurmountable engineering challenge.
That said, although I dislike flying at the best of times it'll be a cold day in hell before I use RyanAir.
[insert joke about crap service here]
Now they want to charge me for standing in a tiny cubicle, bent over like some hunchback, praying I manage to hit the bowl in this ludicrous position. I guess I could sit down, but I'm not a girl, and, quite frankly, I'm not sure I'd want to put my clean backside where the proletariat's scurvy-infested backsides have been.
At 6'3'' and 17stone of muscle, I'd probably get charged on the fat-tax when they introduce it. I hate to think what proper-tall people will do. Maybe I can charge them each time I get DVT as my knees are rammed into the seat in front of me because the plane was built in 1604 when the average height of humans was 3'9" ?
They are the only company who can steal a greedy fat cat's thunder with an even more audacious bid at greed. Maybe Fred the Shred can now afford to go to the traps on a ryanair flight, but average joe will simply piss their knickers (and i dont mean laugh heartily)!
Helicopters, because they may be cheaper to pee in.
Ryanair is the worst out of all the budget airlines ... its just cattle-class. I only ever use them if i absolutely have to and thats after I have checked out to see if any camels are heading in the direction of my desired destination. Ryanair are the last resort. Therefore, if you really want to go cheap, then you have to accept crap quality. You get what you pay for. This extra payment doesnt surprise me, but i am a bit reluctant to use their loos anyway - they dont clean up the sick on the seats so the loos are probably just as pleasant!
Aircrew themselves are usually decent bods but if i hear that fuckin fanfare one more time when the plane lands, i'll go postal. Whats the fanfare for? To celebrate the fact that the plane actually made it in one piece to the destination?? To announce the fact that all passengers have just shared everyone's germs with each other as the same air was recycled throughout the journey and this made O'Dreary more money? I appreciate other airlines do this aswell...
Paris, as she looks upset at hearing of us all not having access to our own private 747 with 5 bathrooms....she cant believe that people can be sooooooo poor!
You have to admire Michael O'Leary's PR skills:
- Free five-minute advertising slot on BBC Breakfast from in front of the Ryanair building at Dublin Airport. Zero cost to himself - presumably the Beeb covered the transport cost of the story.
- Several digs in about BA.
- Signs off with 'Welcome to Dublin. Enjoy the match!'
"We're always looking for ways to make you pay more so we can charge you less'
Actually means ... we're always looking for ways to fraudulently MISREPRESENT the true cost of using our planes.
Which should be an interesting one for Trading Standards, who take a dim view of people quoting prices which are low but unrealistic.
If I pay my pound to have a poo, does that come with a bum wiping service? What if I have temporary paralysis of my fingers and cant grip the toilet paper?
It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Nobody will have money on them, everyone will have a soby story about why they need to use it and dont have money, and in really bad cases, you might have... accidents.
Fine, I'll just pee in the aisle if I ever have to fly Ryanair again, or maybe in one of those snaptite baggies you are given to put cosmetics in before going through security, and then discretely slip it under the seat.
I'm still trying to work out how £29 tickets to France ended up over £200 for two people after the price escalated during the purchasing process and then all the addtional charges were added.
Nothing new here.
The Irish government has been putting in place stealth taxes for years. Keeping the base income tax rate low and then getting you on national insurance, vat, council tax, charges for having bank cards,…
Ryanair is only repeating the ‘best practise’ from the government.
On a few of different notes.
Michael O’Leary didn’t say they were going to do the pound to pee thing.
I flew Ryanair with the family (wife, 2 kids, 1 pram, 2 car seats, 1 piece of actual luggage. To be allowed to pay them the £8 per bag to check in you also have to pay them £20 for the right to use the check in desk.
On this one occasion it was a lot cheaper (I booked very late), but what it caused was a huge backlog of people checking in who didn’t even know they had to pay and so were being redirected off to the ticket desk and then coming back. With 40 minutes to the flight (supposedly the cut off point) there were still about 30 people in the queue. My sister flew in with them the following day and had the same problem.
If you are travelling on your own with hand luggage then Ryanair usually are not the cheapest. All that’s needed is for a low cost airline to be reputable, honest and instil customer service into their staff and Ryanair will be history.
As someone who once worked in aviation, well..... all I'm saying is that you might be surprised.
O.K. I’ll say it, in addition to soggy seats, sleeping in the overhead baggage racks, lighting files to heat food, and the Paris icon; who needs a toilet when there are 3 perfectly good seats in the back row, and what do galleys have curtains for anyway.
Pars, I’ve already mentioned why
It's the people that pay the least that expect the most. One of the cheaper airlines here in the States is actually the subject of an interesting sort-of reality series called "Airline" (yes yes it's a very original title I know). Basically it's just camera crews filming what the ticket agents, etc., that work for the airline have to put up with from their, erm, unwilling-to-pay-more-for-a-ticket-from-a-real-airline customers. I can say I've never witnessed such demanding behavior from flyers on pricier airlines. (Watching the show is a lot like witnessing an accident - you're horrified by what you see, but you can't turn away.)
I'll will add in that over here in the land of the free [toilets], tons of people never carry cash anymore - myself included. On the rare occasions that I can't go before I board b/c of a short connection, I hold it! :p
There are plenty of people that won't pay.
I used to do some cab driving work at weekends and evenings for some extra cash when I was between jobs. I had one guy take a dump in the front seat (which I had to clean up), and I had more than a few take piss as well - one of whom thought it was a larff to do it over my shoulder. And of course loads more that wanted to share with me their 18 pints of lager, 12 double rum & cokes, and special Doner with extra onion.
Then there was the couple that couldn't wait until they got back to her place so had a shag on the back seat - it's really difficult to drive when you are staring in the rear view mirror.
The most enjoyable incident was the group of women on a hen party that inisisted on running their hands all over me whilst I was driving - sadly the most enjoyable sexual experience I had all year.
That line about the imbalance between the amount you eat and the amount you excrete being surgically removed from your body, springs to mind here.
Maybe not to that extreme, but it's a bit like charging to eat and drink and to get rid of the stuff after, but yeah, what if you eat some of their grub but don't excrete it on-board to save money? Will they weigh you after and charge for the difference!
And how long before they ban you from taking your own food and drink on board?
surely when people say they'll take a dump or piss on their seat to prove a point don't you mean take a dump or piss on the seat of the flash git whose just got up a spent a quid?
as to "I don't think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound.", doesnt mean they want you to have it though
Yep - we're off to istanbul in a couple of months.
sleazy jet* @ god o'clock from luton to the wrong airport in istanbull (wrong side of the bosphorous) for 50 quid. (plus food, check in and baggae = 85 quid)
or 100 quid with ba, from heathrow to the right airport in istanbul with everything thrown in (including smiles) = no brainer.
* yes yes, I know it's not ryan twats, but they've a similar business model.
Actually, i dump all my small change before i board an aircraft because it's a hassle having to tip it out of your pocket to pass through the security checkpoint.
I would end up paying with paper money, as would many other people, and receiving large amounts of change in return.
The whole idea is stupid, charge people to use the toilet and they will do it in a bottle or whatever... People often urinate in the street around london because public toilets are too few and far between, often closed and often cost money.
"A pound? I shit a pound"
Personally I fly national carrier. I won't touch Ryan Air with a bargepole and having flown EasyJet I would rather not do that again, thank you for asking.
It is simple, if you want cheap, you get cheap and all the crap that comes with it. If you want your flight to not be hell on Earth (or should that be Hell above Earth) then pay the extra* and fly someone proper.
I would also strongly recommend the airport lounges where available.
*Actually if you work out the total costs between a real carrier and a budget one, including transfers, extras for food, luggage, checking in etc. then quite often the budget carriers are not that much cheaper than the traditionally more expensive ones.
All the righteous indignation is just a cover for being tight. You get what you pay for. Do you honestly expect sterling all inclusive service at budget prices?
Even with the extra charges Ryanair often works out quite a lot cheaper than other airlines. A whole pound out of what you saved should not prompt you to start pissing in aisles like half trained chimps...
"What customers have to remember is that by making lots of things that come as standard 'optional' they can keep the flight prices down."
Absolutely - but this would imply they're already 'charging' for the bogs in the existing price (which they are in a roundabout way). I'd expect to see prices for non-bog users come *down*.
But hey, I can't remember ever using an airline bog on a journey of less than 4 hours... Do Ryan Air fly longer flights than that? I don't know as I've never stepped onto one after having my retinas burnt off by the decorative interior of their planes.
you may be interested to hear of an invention known as "The Jacket Pocket". This handy receptacle can be used to store a variety of items, including phones, lighters, music players, wallets and indeed coins for periods of time ranging from the very short to the very long. Better still, The Jacket Pocket is completely X-ray safe, owing to its fabric construction using bits of the inside of a common or garden jacket. Simply remove articles from your person, place them inside The Jacket Pocket and you're instantly free of all metal on your person! Metal detectors all around the world can't be wrong, try it today!
Why eject you out into the aisle when they can just open the "bomb bay" doors and let gravity do it's work...
... after all, I'm sure the Russians would give him a good price on a surplus Tu-95 or three!
@Sarah Bee - what no reply of "ODPE"? ("Oh Do Pee Elsewhere") ;)
@Lester Haines - just love that first paragraph - although I could have done without the resulting coffee coloured 'screen filter' I've now got!
I saw the Beeb "interview" this morning and I thought M O'L was joking - certainly seemed to be taking things light heartedly.
That said, I'm not going to be a Ryanair customer anytime soon - I like my air travel to be a minimum hassle activity. Plus I usually get a good deal from BA.
You're not allowed to take liquids on board in bottles larger than 100ml, sealed in a blah, blah...
The regulations do not proscribe taking empty bottles larger than 100ml through security and thence on-board. I do it all the time as I refuse to pay for bottled water on principle (nothing to do with airports, I don't ever buy bottled water).
If you don't want to spend a quid to piss, simply fly with a different company that charges five times as much for your ticket!
I think Ryanair are great at what they do. No frills and not much in the way of comfort, but for short flights, what more do do want? I'm quite happy to fly with Ryanair from Stansted to France, then back again one or two weeks later, sometimes for as little as £2 each way including airport taxes and booking fee, and never more than £30 each way including airport tax and booking fee. I just keep an eye out for the offers and grab them as and when available. I haven't found any cheaper methods of travel between these two places.
Firstly, they won't do it - it was just to gain the publicity. Putting coin ops on the toilets on planes would be counterproductive especially since one of the big users of the flights are people going on drinking trips around Europe. Just think, pissed and no change, needing the toilet badly, you'll just flop it out and piss on the floor.
Secondly, I think it's a great idea because everything that makes the bucket airlines cheaper gets people I would rather not fly with off the flag carrier flights I use.
Finally, there is at least one good reason to do this. If you can get people to use the toilets less, you reduce the number of times you need to empty them. This in turn reduces turnaround time. It is worth remembering that the business model of the bucket airlines involves maximising airframe usage. The reason EasyJet dropped in flight catering from the list was not to save money on plastic food, but to mean the jet could spend 20 minutes less on the ground. When a 737-600 costs over $50m new, if you can eek out an extra couple of hours a day by having shorter turnarounds you are saving vast amounts of money each year - and can afford to reduce costs to the passenger accordingly. If you are willing to fly SqueezyJet or RyanAir then you are already willing to put up with no catering, insufficient space between seats, poor service, no luggage etc. This is therefore quite a minor thing really.
Even though I would love them to implement it, but I can tell you that from a legal stand point they would fall foul of Austrian and German laws.
and yes, the plane is exterritorial, but they have to adhere to the law of the land who´s aerospace they are in.
The fact that they would not give passengers an alternative (yes I know there is always an alternative, but it has to be a legal one).
Urinating in public unless in a designated area, is illegal for reasons of hygiene.
In Germany, any place (even a private household by law has to allow you to use their ¨facilities¨.
It is quite legal to charge for it as long as alternatives are available.
If somebody was prevented to use the toilet without a good reason (e.g. the plane is on landing approach) this would be a criminally chargeable offense.
And believe me Sarah Bee, I would buy a Ryanair flight, just to ¨take the piss¨
And in terms of BA:
I couldn´t agree more, that is why I fly LH and not BA (those who start thinking about my nationality:
You are absolutely right ;-)
Why waste your own bottle when you can use their free air sickness barf bags. You could then have the pleasure of handing it to the attendant, or better yet just replace back in the seat pocket you got it from… I find this most amusing but seriously, I’m glad Ryan Air stays on your side of the Atlantic.
I think some of these charges are a little crazy, but its just a weird method to their madness.
I have many times stood and looked at some person double my weight, wondering why I have to pay the same (assuming) as they do. We have all done it... except you fat arses of course. Not just weight but physical size.
I have flown 60+ flights, all 2.5-3hrs long, and have only ONCE used the toilet, and was never really desperate anyway. In this case, I could wonder why I have to pay for the few to use that facility. I always find it strange that as soon as the belt light goes off, up gets people to queue. Couldn't they just go before they get on?
Maybe if people didn't insist on queuing for these flights as soon as they get the whiff of the smell of a Ryanair employee at a gate desk.
Pee whilst you are waiting for your flight...
Pee before you queue for customs, there are usually toilets before hand, and you might as well spend your hour crapping on the toilet than in the middle of a queue which will be smaller by time you get out, which it probably will be at 23:30 when the flight lands, as its probably teh only one around that time (for cheapness sakes usually).
Or just fly with someone else and don't moan, pay for someone else that includes everything all in for you...
PS. I hate Ryanair for their merits on flying with them. And half of it is actually due to the type of people that fly with them
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