back to article Indulge your fecal fantasies with a doll that craps

Technology has brought many transcendent benefits to our culture, but possibly none have been as consummate in its exquisite magnificence as this holiday season's nonpareil of elegance, Baby Alive Learns to Potty, a child's doll that craps. Surely this darling $60 dumper is the apotheosis of a dream first dreamed by Charles …

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  1. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge
    Flame

    Vile.

    Nothing more to say that that.

  2. not sure
    Joke

    Let me be the first to say

    What a shitty idea!

  3. NetNeo

    What a load of shit

    Title says it all!

  4. Craig

    Oh Dear

    /facepalm

  5. Gravito Nori

    Nice toy.

    I am very impressed with this doll. I am definitely going to purchase this for my myself to play with.

    I heard they are currently making one that sticks her finger down her throat and throws up what you feed her. The doll will be called Bulimic Betty.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Will the wonders never cease

    How long till we get a doll that gets pregnant at the tender young age of 4 as appears to be where the trend is going over here in the states?

    /I know this will kill this post but sorry mods

    /Mines the one with the coat hanger in the pocket

    /Anon because I don't need to be burned alive for that comment

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Err....

    "....And some day - we can only hope! - mankind will create a machine that can poop!"

    And why on earth would we possibly want to hope for this?!?

  8. adnim Silver badge
    Joke

    Think of the children

    Isn't introducing kids to scat at such an early age pushing the boundary a little?

  9. Stewart Haywood
    Unhappy

    Not new

    My daughter had one of these things several years a go. I must admit that hers kept quiet about the whole process rather than announcing it with pride.

    A word of warning to parents who think that it is cute. When your kid decides to see if it can eat other stuff (the doll not the kid), you are in for regular bouts of surgery to unplug the ugly looking thing (sorry the doll not your kid!).

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Uh oh...

    But if you don’t get there in time, you might hear her say, 'Oops. I did it aga-- Nope, I won't say it. I won't, I won't, I won't.

    Anyway, this is the natural extension of those japanese (and now american, I guess) potty training things that sing a song, complete with toilet-flushing sounds, when your kid drops a log. Any guesses what happens if you put this doll on one of those? As Keanu Reeves would say... Whoah.

  11. Matt Eagles

    A doll what shits itself

    Wasn't Danny's business partner, Presuming Ed, in "Withnail and I" working on the prototype in 1969? Clearly a technology that has spend a long time in the pipeline.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Happy 35th birthday to this old news story..

    ... the "Baby Alive" range of dolls has been around since 1973.

  13. Gabriel Speckhahn
    Coat

    Old in Brazil

    There's been a pooping doll around here for ages, it's called Cocolin (something like Poopolin). The TV ads always crack me up.

  14. Sam

    Alternative

    HhhhhhggnnnnHHHH! Hnnnnngghhh!!! You bastard, you never told me that was a Phal...

    HnnnggrraaaaaagHHHH!!!!

  15. Alan Esworthy
    Go

    We can only hope

    If the world is fortunate, we will progress to the Hello Ouroboros doll that starts with eating its own toes, working upwards, and pooping it all away until there's nothing left. Sort of an incarnate (inplasticate?) metaphor for the Federal Reserve System of the US and the ECB.

    /The "GO" button for obvious reasons

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    And if you feed it sauerkraut & eggs

    It can actually levitate on its own poop stream!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    @AC

    "And why on earth would we possibly want to hope for this?!?"

    Why, to free us from the drudgery of doing it ourselves!!!

  18. Jacob Lipman

    Young pregnancy

    "How long till we get a doll that gets pregnant at the tender young age of 4 as appears to be where the trend is going over here in the states?"

    If I recall correctly, the Philippines still holds that particular record. The girl in question was either four or five years old; she turned out to be a very early bloomer, as her uncle discovered to his chagrin after molesting her. The child's child was raised as her sister, the uncle went to jail, and they all lived happily ever after.

  19. Richard
    Joke

    UK version

    Baby-Alive Pikey edition...With realistic Dole grasping hands. Shits itself and then stops working for a day when given Diamond White (optional accessory)

  20. Big Pete
    Stop

    And if you buy two of them and a cup...

    No! I just don't want to go there.

  21. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    @Young pregnancy

    There is a record of five year-old Lina Medina giving birth, but most of the facts are different. Lina is from Peru. Lina's father was arrested on suspicion of incest, but was released because of lack of evidence. As Lina's periods started at age 1, her father would have known of a risk of pregnancy. Lina's son was raised as her brother. A quick web search shows no evidence of a daughter born to a five year old from the Philippines.

    http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/medina.asp

  22. Tim Roberts
    Paris Hilton

    Thank God...

    that my daughters are too old to want to play with dolls any more - it was bad enough when my eldest wanted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ......

    Paris cos she's full of crap

  23. Elmer Phud
    Unhappy

    Still nowhere near reality

    The manufacturers need to look at the whole process - not just the end result.

    It starts with the child having a faraway look on thier face. This moves to one of concentration followed by a noise that is similar to that of errupting pools of hot mud. Then there is the look of pleasure and relief on the child's face which is accompanied by a stench that comes from stygian depths. At this point in time no-one wants to go anywhere near the dear little baby , especially as when it is lifted up (if yer lucky) the babygrow changes colour from the feet upwards in to a nice mustard colour. (If not lucky then there is no babygrow to contain the toxic bio-hazard waste). The infant now needs to be introduced to a sheep-dip and pressure washer. Sandblasting is reserved for when the nappy can't be changed for a few minutes and the sludge has turned in to rapid-settting concrete.

    Women -weak? Nah, I've seen full-blown macho men gag at even the thought of changing a nappy. No, not specifically women's work - it's work for really strong people.

  24. JCL
    Happy

    If you don't have the cash...

    and bearing in mind the state of kid's diets nowadays, you can get your kid an ordinary doll and call in Constipated Katie.

  25. Al
    Paris Hilton

    Curse this weak pound

    I was almost tempted to get one for my neice - but it's too pricey now sterling is sinking fast.

    I'm pressing my tummy hard to make myself cry and wee....

  26. Brian

    @Thank God...

    What was wrong with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

    They were the best action figures ever. I even had that little brain dude and his Technodrome.

    Of course, to make up the 4, I had two Raphael's, because lets face it, nobody like Donatello.

  27. Martin
    Happy

    Dual Usage

    Simply add a strategically placed cork and voila! - A doll that explodes! (messily)

  28. Lukin Brewer
    Pirate

    Web 2.0 has failed again.

    After looking at the distorted features of that pooping homunculus, and reading of its fell purpose, I went immediately to YouTube to search for a video of someone setting light to one. But there was to be no relief, as no such cleansing-by-fire could be found.

    I shall have to make do with pasting it into a few Bonfire Night scenes with Photoshop. Web 2.0, you have failed us once again, where it could have made a difference.

  29. Theresa

    Good intro to financial management

    At almost a dollar apiece, those diapers cost more than real ones. Make the kid buy the diapers with his or her allowance and see how much Baby Alive gets fed then.

    (Note to Family and Children's Services: I do not use the "no food" method to reduce diaper costs for my actual baby.)

  30. ElFatbob

    Oh FFS....

    was my first thought, but on reflection most kid's toys these days are overpriced sh!t. At least this one doesn't pretend it's anything else...

  31. elderlybloke
    Happy

    Young Pregancy --and Turds

    1. I recall seeing in a Physiology Text Book, a 3 year old fully mature woman.

    No pregnancy , but capable of it !

    2. I spent 10 years working in the sewer business , and actually it wasn't all that stinky.

    The worst smell I can recall was when I was involved in digging a trench in a rubbish tip (freshly filled) for storm water drain. Yuck I can smell it now !

  32. Suburban Inmate
    Black Helicopters

    Dedicated poo machine... DONE!

    http://www.cloaca.be/machines.htm

    Oh, the helicopter? Squint your eyes, think of slashdot...

  33. skeptical i

    At least this one HAS a disposal mechanism.

    I can vaguely recall various "snackie- patsy" type dollies that came equipped with spoons, bottles to be filled with water (or worse), bowls, dehydrated "cereal" mixes, and so forth. I shudder to think about what accumulated inside, especially given how diligent kids (and their caretakers) are about thoroughly cleaning their toys. Also, if kids learn early on that babies are not just little bundles of cute and cuddly joy, but messy and expensive (replacement dolly diapers are how much?) work, there might -- dare we hope? -- be a dip in the teen pregnancy rate.

  34. bothwell
    Thumb Up

    @Brian

    "Of course, to make up the 4, I had two Raphael's, because lets face it, nobody like Donatello."

    Says you! I used purple plasticine to give all of my barbie dolls Donatello eye masks! They were sort of like Donatello's Angels.

  35. Stephen
    Thumb Up

    @ Brian

    Krang, but did you have his giant robot body? how about the pizza thrower? and the turtle van?

    detective don was my fave variant.

    i didn't much care for leo or raph. who needs a know it all leader and an arrogant prick...

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I Crap Therefore I am

    Yet another step towards the AI reality, if you don't defecate can you really be alive.

    And on another, though related note, aren't most tomatoes, that are imported, grown in 'night soil' a rather fancy term for sewerage, which is also another rather fancy term for poo, but with tampons thrown into the mix.

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