back to article Attack of the quarter-ton, 'fridge-sized' killer jellyfish

The US government has warned that enormous swarms of killer jellyfish - some the size of fridges and weighing up to a quarter of a ton - are ravaging the world's oceans. Particularly aggressive specimens are said to be capable of causing serious damage to ships, and have even managed to knacker nuclear power plants. News of …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    author - check email address

    You were meant to send to:

    stories@newsoftheworld.com

    not the @theregister.co.uk

  2. AGirlFromVenus

    new for the takeaway

    just tell the chinese, they'll do a nice jelly stir fry with them, and it'll be no. 201 on the menu in double quick time

  3. Joe Harrison

    d/n/t these buggers

    These things are just not nice, any jellyfish, just say no. A *dead one* brushed against my arm once and I was rolling around in agony all afternoon. Take off and nuke from orbit - please!

  4. John Ferris
    Black Helicopters

    I for one...

    would like to welcome our new gelatinous overlords.

  5. Nuno
    Stop

    this is not a joke

    I don't understand the tone of your article, making fun in every line you wrote. I saw a documentary 2 years ago, on the jellyfish at the Sea of Japan, and this is very serious business. It's a shame that you couldn't refrain yourself from mocking it...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Cthulu

    Nuff said.

    Mine's the drysuit, thanks.

  7. Mark Edwards
    Alien

    Let me be the first to say

    that I for one welcome our fridge-sized, stinging, gelatenous overlords...

  8. ben
    Thumb Up

    OVERLORDS

    Can I be the first to welcome our all powerful gelatinous overlords of the sea?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    To paraphrase Kent Brockman...

    "Ladies and gentlemen, er, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The cargo ship has been taken over -- "conquered", if you will -- by a master race of giant jellyfish. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the jellyfish will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new jellyfish overlords."

    Mine is the one covered in slime, ta.

  10. Tom Hobbs
    Thumb Down

    More detail please

    "some the size of fridges"

    What kind of fridge?

  11. Jim Carter
    Coat

    And I for one...

    Welcome our new slimy overlords. Anyone got a board with a nail in it?

    Or... a perfect case of "meet the new boss, same as the old boss".

  12. Mark Lockwood Silver badge

    I for one

    would like to welcome our new, tentacle clad overlords.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Am I The Only One

    Reminded of that episode of Blake's 7 where aliens have taken over Star One and when they get shot turn into what can only be described as massive jelly style bogies?

    The point about the fist sized jellyfishes gave me visions of them trying to invade divers through their wetsuits. I'm a landlubber and staying well away from the ocean now!

    All in all this is pretty scary stuff. When are the Western governments going to declare war on jellyfishes and declare posession of any gelatinous creature a terrorist offence? "Stay back copper! I've got a jar of jellied eels here and I'm not afraid to use them!"...

  14. Ferry Boat

    Made to make your mouth water

    I, for one, welcome our new gelatinous, fridge-sized, see-though masters.

  15. Paul Kinsler

    can't we ...

    .. just process them somehow to make biofuels?

  16. alain williams Silver badge

    Global warming to blame ....

    presumably because we don't have enough ice cream to fight the jelly monsters.

    Crap article: it didn't say if they were raspberry, strawberry or lime flavoured!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I for one welcome

    our gelatinous floating fridge-sized overlords

  18. Andy ORourke
    Coat

    May I be the first

    To welcome our pulsing, gelatinous overlords!

  19. David Gosnell

    Fridge-sized

    If that's American-style fridge sized, be very scared. Though they may be able to dispense ice to soothe your injuries.

  20. iNPUt

    The day the earth squidge still

    Think we need outer space alien octopus to kill them using mechanical goldfish to wipe out these killers.

  21. Jan
    Coat

    From the depths of r´ylee

    they arise... slimethulu!

    or something.

    mines the one with the oozing pockets...

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Biofuel

    Sounds like a biofuel to me, can we make them into stuff I can put in a car?

  23. Dan

    "These frightful blancmange sargassos"

    "...gradually slimed into extinction by unstoppable liquescent assassins."

    Thanks Lewis, you now owe me a new keyboard.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Eerie Green Glow

    "Humanity's rule may not be overturned in a Day, then, but a Night of Slime as the squelchy brutes cut the power and plunge the peoples of the Earth into their final darkness."

    A darkness punctuated by the eerie glow of green fluorescent protein, which may explain the Nobel committee's decision on the chemistry prize this year.

  25. breakfast
    Thumb Up

    What? Refridgerators?

    Is this a new measure of volume? There is potentially room for something between the football and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

    I for one will avoid tired "I for one" comments and instead think up some kind of reference to wondrous grot and secret cells.

    I guess you could talk about climate change as the latter fire that heats the deep, actually. A win for victorian poetry!

  26. Andy Barber
    Flame

    Bring back...

    ... Fire Breathing buses & taxi's.

  27. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Coat

    scyphozoan (or possibly hydrozoan)

    Cnidarian, surely?

    Mine's the one with the anti-venom and the fridge magnets in the pockets.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Technology marches on

    I remember when Winchester drives were also fridge-size. It's only a matter of time before these jellies become convenient lappy-size too.

  29. Elmer Phud
    Alien

    Pah!

    These are just the babies, hatched from the mothership deep beneath the waves.

  30. Big Duke Six
    Coat

    I think we're missing the point here...

    So what are these things? Scyphozoan, hydrozoan, both? We need to know how to addrees them once they become our overlords.

    The one with the blancmange in the pockets, ta.

  31. Frank

    @Nuno re. This is not a joke

    "..It's a shame that you couldn't refrain yourself from mocking it..."

    This is an article by Lewis Page on The Register. It's to be expected. You know he makes sense.

    P.S. It's either '..refrain from mocking..' or '..restrain yourself from mocking..' You probably got confused there.

  32. Matt W

    Simple really

    All we need to do is breed some two tonne turtles to eat them.

    </gamera>

  33. Nigel
    Black Helicopters

    We're all doomed.

    The jelly-monsters are the advance guard. Cthulu is on Its way. And them in the black helicopters are already in Its service.

  34. Rob
    Coat

    This could be interesting...

    ... I'm buying a nuclear bunker for when the jellyfish and machines slog it our over who will rule us. Me I'm in favour of the machines, they make better coffee.

    Playmobil mock up of how this fight could look, in the interests of the public you know, we need to be prepared for this messy war (oh so messy).

    Mines the one that has 'mahine overlords forever' on the back and on the inside has 'jelly fish overlords forever' (well you never know who will get the upper hand).

  35. James Pickett
    Happy

    Blimey!

    Do all El Reg contributors have a metaphor quota? Lewis seems to be attempting it in one article...

  36. Charles Tsang
    Pirate

    Resist! Show some spine!

    And much like the "Run Up Stairs" solution to Dalek Invasion, may I say

    "Stay out of the water?" for the Jelly Fish invasion?

    So do we need to update the jolly roger appropriately?

  37. David Edwards
    Stop

    Are they called Jeollo fish in the USA

    If not, why not? ae they A rated fridges?

  38. Simon
    Boffin

    Well...

    After all, we're the ones who have modified our climate to make it more cozy for the jellyfish, so it's our own fault. Now we need peanut-butter fish to go with them.

  39. Big Bear
    Unhappy

    Simple solution to defeat these rampaging hordes

    Blast them with UV rays! That's what Capt Kirk did to the ones he encountered on Deneva on stardate 3287.2... that's probably why their spawning grounds are in dark dank parts of the oceans, systematically cleansed of vertebrate life.

    Oh woe is mankind, for Steve Irwin is gone, protector of us from seaborne invasions!

  40. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Did you say blancmange like

    In that case we can just call in Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample. They must be getting on a bit but I'm sure they're still up to the job.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Don't Panic!

    The jellyfish are breeding, swarming and eating cos there's an abundance of certain types of food, which is because we've been overfishing certain other fish that eat that same food. Jellyfish swarms are a bit of a ocean balancing-act and within a short period of time the amount of available food will start to drop and the jellyfish population with it.

    If we stop the overintensive fishing now, the whole thing should work itself out quite nicely.

    Let's vary our fish diets and stop throwing catch overboard. Let's make sure we don't haul whole shoals out of the see in a oner.

    All will be well.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is Lewis Page...

    ...the only person in the world to have a 27 volume thesaurus?

    I've never heard so many different words to mean the same thing.

  43. snafu

    The Kraken Wakes

    Next they'll start hunting us with their high pressure tanks with remote-controlled flying tentacles invading the coasts. Wait until they sink our nuclear subs and use the fissibles to heat the Poles and drown us all.

  44. Pierre Silver badge

    So many Blancmange invadors...

    and such a long time before Wimbledon.

  45. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Simple

    Take some diced cucumber, a dash of cayenne pepper, a squeeze of lemon and you've got yourself a perfect little jellyfish salad. Good anytime but expecially nice with a side of fried calamari as the textures and temperatures play well off each other.

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    threat to society

    Society must be protected from gelatinous terror slime gangsters. This is why we need the 42 days detention without charge extension. Think of the children too please.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Pompeee, Pompeeeeeeee!

    "These frightful blancmange sargassos send out their wobbling hordes on fearful expeditions of destruction, "

    - sounds like Portsmouth

  48. Marvin the Martian
    Unhappy

    Outlook not so good.

    Judging by the state of our slug-infested garden, it's indeed a global jelly power drive and not just them jellyfish taking over the aqueous 75% of earth's surface.

    Mind you, this year the land parts have been looking suspiciously watery...

  49. B

    Isn't this caused by global warming?

    Or is it called climate change now? I forget what the latest PC slogan is for this scare tactic, but I'm sure the jellyfish hoardes can be blamed on global warming by some global climate "expert" who needs some free publicity.

  50. Stephen Hunt
    Black Helicopters

    Send in...

    ...the army of toast soldiers. They will make short work of all that jelly.

  51. Austin Chamberlain
    Happy

    Not that different ...

    "When jellyfish populations run wild," the NSF jellyboffins warn, "they may jam thousands of square miles with their pulsing, gelatinous bodies."

    Replace "jellyfish" with "people", and you have the average Saturday night on High Street ...

  52. Mike Richards

    Lewis: you missed out a key piece of advice

    For some of us with busy lives*; El Reg is the only place to look for post Cnidarian survival guides (and Paris Hilton updates).

    You should have included the useful hint that many jellyfish venoms can by pissing on it - the wound, not the jellyfish - that just makes them angry.

    * for certain definitions of the word 'busy'.

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Pirate

    Frikkin' Jellyfish with frikkin' laser beams?

    or pretty frikkin' close...

  54. DJ

    re: Francis Boyle

    They're not available to help - they've gone to the planet Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda.

    (Thanks for the chuckle)

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Nice work, everybody

    the "I for one welcome our [...] overlords" meme has now well and truly jumped the shark, or, as I believe the hip kids are saying these days, "nuked the fridge".

    But wait, that's no fridge... Ah, suddenly it becomes clear: these fridge-sized terror machines are the genetically mutated descendants of jellyfish which were casually hanging about and working on their tan in the Pacific during 50s A-bomb tests and have now come to seek their revenge and some decent Factor 8bn with moisturiser.

    Now do you see what science has wrought?

    The scariest thing about this is that, due to namby-pamby protesters we are left helpless in the face of this threat. I hope you're happy. I really do.

    If anyone needs me, I'll be in the basement irradiating turtles. And newts.

  56. Thomas Baker
    Thumb Up

    Fluke by Christopher Moore

    Read it, it explains all about this.

  57. Gilbert Wham

    gelatinous cube

    Hit Dice only 4d10+32. Not that difficult...

  58. Sillyfellow

    squishy ones

    hmm, i wonder.. can we eat them? lol.

    the biofuel idea sound like a good one.

    please let me know as soon as they squidge and wobble their way onto the land...

  59. CTG
    Flame

    @Neil Barnes

    Um, Scyphozoa and Hydrozoa are both classes within phylum Cnidaria, so what exactly is your point? Lewis is perfectly correct in that true jellyfish are members of the class Scyphozoa, but several members of the Hydrozoa are often referred to as jellyfish even though they are not.

    If you're going to be pedantic, at least get it fucking right.

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @mike richards

    pissing on it - the wound, not the jellyfish - that just makes them angry.

    ha ha; nice try, but i put my drink down first!

  61. Graham Marsden

    Time to start developing...

    ... those frickin' lasers to fit on sharks' heads and then they can zap this jellyfish menace into oblivion!

  62. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects
    Boffin

    @ ben

    "OVERLORDS: Can I be the first to welcome our all powerful gelatinous overlords of the sea?"

    Yes, provided you post early for sick mess.

  63. breakfast
    Alert

    @snafu

    Whoa there! Spoiler warning! I havent finished that one yet...

    I heartily condone The Kraken Wakes, though. Its good readings.

  64. Graham Lockley
    Paris Hilton

    Thanks a bloody bunch !

    All this talk of blancmange has given me the munchies ! And can you get your local takeaway to do a late night strawberry blancmange ? Course not so Im doomed to go off to bed dreaming of pink wobbly things :(

    Paris for obvious reasons

  65. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    @ Big Bear

    You've shown your true geekness sir and for that act of braveness I salute you.

  66. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge
    Pirate

    killer blancmanges?

    What? Is this a Monty Python sketch or something? Do they turn their victims into Scotsmen?

  67. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge
    Go

    @Don't Panic

    I hope you're right about us not eating certain fish stocks into extinction. I, too, await the day when we collectively see sense. It will be a joyous day, because it will allow me to bring back one of my favourite palindromes from retirement: Doc, note, I dissent! A fast never prevents a fatness! I diet on cod.

    @Mike Richards: way I heard it, vinegar neutralises the sting. Might want that with a pinch of salt though.

    And now (in honour of the distinctly pythonesque vista of blancmange overlords) for something completely different: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nej4xJe4Tdg

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Forseen 55 years ago

    "The Kraken Wakes"

  69. Moss Icely Spaceport
    Pirate

    And their evil master is none other than....

    Mr Blobby !!

  70. elderlybloke
    Pirate

    I might believe this

    if I hadn't had the pants scared off me by numerous TV and other type stories of the end of civilisation etc. by Mega Tsunamis, crashing Asteroids, Mega Vocanoes and so on.

    I did see the TV program about the Jellyfish a year ago (from memory) , but since then nothing about it,

    Much about the horror of Global Warming / Climate Change , which is a wonderful thing for Governments everywhere, as they can tax us up to the eyeballs to save us from extermination.

    If they can link Warming and Jellyfish then there will be much publicity.

  71. Anton Ivanov
    Coat

    Not funny

    I have seen the Black Sea disaster with my own eyes and your attempt at replicating the Sun style is frankly not funny.

    There is however a simple way to save the planet - stop overfishing. The jellyfish bloom in the black sea happened after the fishing fleet turned onto the smallest plankton-feeding fish. I do not know the English name, it is about half the length of an adult sardine and as thick as a pencil. Bulgarians call it tca-tca. Taking it out of the food chain resulted in algal blooms, which in turn provided food for the jelly fish.

    The lesson here is that if we want healthy seas, protecting the bottom of the food chain (the plankton feeders) is probably more important than protecting tuna, cod and other luxury fish at the top. If we ignore it, the sad tory of Black Sea will repeat elsewhere again and again.

  72. Cortland Richmond

    Jamfish?

    Having driven the Cod to near extinction... may we have some JAM fish, please?

  73. Cortland Richmond

    But seriously now

    This is a very primitive life form, and absence of enough of the more advanced ones provides the opportunity for it to occupy more of the ocean than it has for some billions of years.

  74. Barry
    Unhappy

    Jelly brained journalist

    Shame your journalist couldn't manage to take this story a bit more seriously. The main reason for the rise of the jellyfish is that overfishing is causing the collapse of whole marine ecosystems. The only thing left in these deadzones is jellyfish. With no predators left and no competition for resources jellyfish populations boom out of control.

    Hope you like the taste of jellyfish - it's the only seafood you'll be getting in twenty years time.

  75. Rod Bowes

    My intuition tells me...

    that someone isn't treating this entirely seriously...

  76. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Our new political masters?

    They seem to be eminently qualified - no backbone and no brain tissue either!

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