back to article Michael Dell sells you some s**t you don't need

Michael Dell will never miss an opportunity to sell you some shit you don't need. Attendees of this year's Dreamforce conference saw a first hand demonstration of this, having to sit through about an hour's worth of of Dell's Always-Be-Closing pitch. Trying his hardest to look like Steve Jobs, Dell successfully turned the …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up


    I like that phrase. Presumably it means "a team that has been smoking a lot of crack".

  2. Craig

    Learning from the best

    I'm thinking Dell staff have spent too much time reading the BOfH stories on The Register. Did Michael Dell happen to give any tips on how to dispose of management staff who might oppose new purchases during this presentation? Maybe there were some Dell staff waiting outside by a white van with a roll of carpet and a shovel...

  3. Chris iverson

    @Learning from the best

    Dont forget the lime

  4. Franklin

    So it's got to be said...

    ...if I were Michael Dell, I'd shut Dell down and give the money back to the shareholders,

    Okay, okay, my coat's over there, under the carcass of the Power Macintosh 8100.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    This just in.....

    The Pope is Catholic, bears shit in the woods.......

  6. breakfast

    Hold on...

    This article talks about salesmen getting pistol-whipped like it's a bad thing.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Salesman's laptop nicked

    Its a good thing Dell will delete the data - otherwise the thieves might publish the minesweeper high score table.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Someone needs to get JAFSMSS to market

    Just Another Fucking Systems Management Software Suite. It'll sell by the shitload.

  9. DZ-Jay

    Ted, is that really you?

    What happened to the swearing? Come on, Ted, just one instance of "sh*t"? Slacker!


  10. Anonymous Coward

    @evil graham

    I think the "crack-team" is related to the "butt happy" in some way that I'm not sure I want to try explaining.

    @breakfast - monitor needed a good cleaning!

  11. Anonymous Coward

    Q4 Loss

    They laid off Joe's bud in India, the one that codes the checkout, which is why when I tried to buy Dell products MikeyD wouldn't take my money. His demon checkout SAID I bought stacks of kit complete with delivery date, but lied and canceled the order and Dell could care less about it.

    Everyone was very polite but totally unrepentant, somehow the assault by the demon checkout was my fault and please pay a higher price now if you want our wonderful products. I will say that the chat people were very nice, but MikeyD would never give them any power to correct the situation. The phone people just (politely) passed the buck. Whiny emails lobbed at customer service were ignored.

    Some of the Dell products are pretty good, but I can live with 3 year old components plus some PCs from a competitor with a working checkout system. It astounds me that Dell would not re-instate an order placed in good faith that was bollixed by poor nearly untested code in their checkout [well, I presume it was untested. If it was working as designed maybe the title should be "Q4 Bankruptcy"]

    Now you know where Dell wielded the axe to lay off people.

    Q? 4? Profit? What? Q? 4? Profit?

  12. Anonymous Coward


    Perhaps Ted has realised that before passing comment on other people's sales flannel, he himself might need a better model than selling el reg articles based on their swear-box-value.

    Mines' the one shipped to me by Walsh Western.

    (International Readers. If you haven't bought from Dell in the UK, apologies that this joke didn't work)

  13. BioTube

    This laptop will selfdestruct in three seconds

    How about just lacing laptop containing sensitive data with thermite and detonating it if the ID10T at the keyboard gets the boot password wrong three times?

  14. Stylee

    Disservice to other people named Klaus

    Must be something to do with my upbringing, but I always held the romantic notion that people named Klaus spend their days making dodgy porno films. As in, "Oh Klaus, geben me den grossen sticken, ja!"

  15. BitsOfSkin

    What profit ?

    Unles Dell cuts out their techsupport altogether, starts stealing components and Vista copies, and then sells the resulting hunks of junk to unsuspecting consumers and idiots in the business who couldn't possibly care less about their staff, i'd say there's no way in hell they'll have any profit.

    (Pirate, because the only way i'd be caught dead with a Dell was by stealing one, Arrr !)

  16. Matt Bryant

    Dell is faster and better than the rest

    Most companies have Windoze skills inhouse already, so the admin skills are already there for a Windows Dell box, and many will have Linux skills already too. Dell runs Windoze best and they're only second to HP on Linux. You're all obviously not in the IT industry or you would realize this. You're all just a bunch of Dell Haters, or you would understand.

  17. Steve Daniels
    Thumb Down

    This article

    Was about as rubbish and boring as the presentation apparently was.

  18. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  19. Secretgeek
    Thumb Down


    Poor attempt at FOTW sir. Now, you know what you've done wrong. Please compose yourself and try again.

  20. Steven Snape

    Not what I was expecting

    I thought this was going to be an article on all the bundled software that comes with a Dell that harrasses you over the first 30 days of use and makes your life a misery and confuses the hell out of the average numbty.

    I do wish they wouldnt subsidise the cost of their PC's by filling them with crap.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    wisssy aprywww cwapf

    I say you foul mouthed, yankee diddly dandy, I would rather hope that the author is American. His surname has two consonants - dz at the beginning, (just not cricket) and he refers to Dell execs as dudes.. That also doesn't happen here, unless you are young and have angular hair.

    My guess is that Ted doesn't have angular hair

  22. Eric Dennis

    Stolen laptop

    Hang on,

    To begin with, anyone who stole a laptop can't log into it without a password, so any laptop thief with a brain would wipe the drive, install a fresh hacked copy of Windows, and therefore no Dell phone home software would be on the HDD to phone home or alert the authorities. Didn't think of that didja, Mikey Dell? BLAH. Dell sux!!!

  23. Anonymous Coward


    "The Pope is Catholic, bears shit in the woods......." I am sure that the Pope has never borne s**t in the woods, as you imply. In fact, I doubt if he's ever been near to any woods since his election.

  24. Tris Orendorff

    @ Eric Dennis

    The "I'm stolen" code is supposed to be in the laptop's BIOS, can't be easily erased and may still work if the HDD has been erased. If, however, Dell took shortcuts then all bets are off.

  25. Dan Price

    @Tris Orendorff

    Yeah, but knowing Dell it's probably only bundled as a 30-day trial...

  26. zyxyzx

    @Eric Dennis

    Thieves will just have to make sure they ghost the hard drive before allowing it online to dial home and begin it's automated self-deletion - which will fail due to "File is in use and can't be deleted" errors anyway.

    Good to see old Mikey D is thinkin outside the box on this one.

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