He is quite correct you know...
Winners don't use Pole.
It's a well-known fact that flames are like number 13 buses - you wait ages for one and then a whole load turn up and once. Yes indeed, following last week's truly exceptional outburst during which certain Reg readers found themselves on the receiving end of some particularly tasty abuse, we have one Aaron Kempf who rather …
but fuck me I wouldn't employ him with an attitude like that, the need for a thick padding on his cubicle should be a clue to potential employers. As for his "America is God" arguement, it's good to see that McCain/Palin have a least 1 voter, but he's a prime example of why Americans are disliked worldwide.
You just don't get as many nutters per square foot as you used to in this country, but it's good to see that America is still pumping 'em out.
Oh and as for saving us... in one war (i can only remember the Americans being fence sitters in the Falklands), I think it was only fair and thanks, seeing as we put you on that darn continent.
Gawd bless America and all who sail in her!
Paris, because she proves that Americans aren't all vacuous airhe.... hold on! Let me re-think that.
Oh come on, not all Americans are semi-literate M$ drones who get off on reading databases:
" I actually really enjoy still looking through this (2 gb worth of) data."
Seriously, he ENJOYS doing that? I think we have a new yard-stick (or pole) here, never again will I mock grown men who read comics and go to conventions because they will always be able to respond with "At least I don't enjoy reading databases."
Legend. America wouldn't be the lost little puppy of a cuntry it is now if there were more like him. Bless his little cottons.
What with the patriot act and all that, privacy is a distinctly alien concept to most Americans. Not understanding that aspect he clearly thought you were being mean to the poor defenceless databases.
I reckon we club together and send him some ritalin.
So we have nothing to fear from US Govt Databases. Obviously the US govt does not spy on its own people, obviously it would never intercept personal calls between trusted parties and then share the information around the office "because it was fruity and amusing".
The database is only as good as the information it holds and only as secure as the people using it.
Both these risks are historically high.
Obviously Aaron considers these risks to be low. Hence the title of this comment..
as I type this.
Nothing cheers me up on a shitty, wet workday in the same way as reading the incoherent rantings of a complete and utter retard like this.
He certainly doesn't come across as the sort of arsehole that anyone would want to "save their country". I suspect even his native land would reject his efforts, due to an obvious mental instability.
I'm not scared of databases, I'm not scared of electricity either.
Apart from those times that the government has used thier database to decide that I'm the best person to pass e4lectricity through in order to get the information that they want...
OK, that's a bit extreme but it proves that the idiot didn't actually think about the application the database was going to be used for...
in WW2 wasn't it the Americans, Canadians AND Australians who came to our aid? Or was that WW1? Or both?
Anyway, you were getting your asses kicked by Japan until you dropped a bomb created by scientists you'd never have had if we'd not been in that war. So if you want a "we saved your asses", that's right- we saved yours.
Plus how many times were your asses saved by radar (British)? Or having guns whose barrels were rifled (somewhere in Europe)? or even a simple phone call (British)?
For a people who had to be bailed out and defended by the French of all people you really can turn out some seriously uppity citizens.*
We're not scared of databases, and I'm pretty sure we know what data mining is. We just don't like criminals getting hold of our data- and a huge central repository for that data is a real easy way for them to get a hold of it. Even if it's a nukeproof, quadrillion-bit quantum-encrypted and somehow entirely isolated from the Internet system you'll find that someone will make an unencrypted tape backup. Then lose it on a train. Or save the passwords they use to access the database on a laptop and lose it.
Then the crims get our data, then we lose our privacy and security.
If you're not worried about that, please feel free to do a Clarkson and publish your account details, sort code, address, etc in this comments section. Along with a note as to which charity you want your monthly outgoings sent to without your knowledge or consent.
*note: Not all Americans are like this. I've met a good number of them and they can be really great people (though a surprisingly low alcohol tolerance).
He is a truly gifted individual. With such a unique perspective on history I'd love to see him do a documentary.
I can imagine it now, Hitler was in his tent on the white cliffs and the poor UK forces had been forced all the way to the Scotish borders. Just as Churchill was about to surrender in come the US soldiers, millions of them...and the only reason they were late to the party was because they'd just defended the earth from martians.
I'm presuming he'll gloss over the small points that the wars the US have started havent gone too well (vietnam anyone?) and really we've been there saving their arses (when they arent blowing us up for funsies) in more recent events.
I suppose we can't rule out total stupidity, as he clearly knows the keyboard shortcut for cut and paste, without which "run away, the databases are coming" would not have been repeated so liberally. Or maybe in a true defiant idiom, he decided to store the line 'run away the databases are coming' in a database and SQL injected them into all comments he made on a random basis to prove his point on the harmlessness of databases. Yes, yes, I know...
Bless. If he has friends or family, my heart goes out to them.
This guy really expemplifies all of the negative sterotypical images people have of the seppos.
And what is it with their strange delusion that they single handedly won WW2??? Maybe it's because they teach that the war started in 1943 in seppo schools.
If he's reading this I'd like to ask him to kindly go back to chanting "America is best!" in the midst of his failing economy, high crime rate and global disgust.
You have to admire the guy's commitment to his ideals.
It takes a particular strength of will to take a jumbled set of disjointed fragments of ideas and mold them, by application of pure, burning, enmity, into an opinion that you can not only hang onto, but project loudly, violently, and indefatigably in a moderated public forum - in defiance of social norms and grammatical conventions.
We should be applauding this man for saying the things we would not say even if the swelling lesion on our brain stem left us inclined to do so.
We should be thanking him for upholding the ideals of free speech in a manner that ensures that our most drug-addled, misogynistic, illogical, hate-filled, diatribes will be elevated as Kennedy'esque oratory by comparison.
We should stand upon the shoulders of this giant and see the world much as he sees it, save for the fact that he has to look up at our backsides and down at his strides around his ankles.
And, perhaps more than anything, we should keep posting anonymously because between the crazies in the asylum, and orderlies trying to keep them rounded up, it is best to keep your head down and not stand out.
PS. A "Collected Works of Aaron", perhaps? "I Am Aaron"? "Aaronology"?
It's hard to see how someone could work in the computing industry and think the main expense in building a cross-jurisdictional database of personal details is the SQL developers. That's like thinking the main expense in building a 3G network is the RF circuitry for the handsets.
I also enjoyed the leap that because a database of IP traffic helped to find malware, a database of benefits claimants will help find terrorists. It's almost the exact same thing. They are both databases, and they are both being used to find something.
He has an interesting idea though: this database should be so good that it can find terrorists without using data mining. I suppose that would make it a list. I can certainly see how that would be helpful, but again doubt the main expense would be in SQL developers.
Thanks for sharing it. It's helped me put other head-shaking stupidity into context, and left me more relaxed about the world.
I'd keep your head down if I were you, Chris. The guy sounds a bit of a nutjob, as backed up by the conviction for a bit of previous. He's got rants and postings all over the intertubes.
I particularly like the fact that it seems to be a hotshot DBA, but cannot work out how to stop his PC from beeping.
...I desperately want to see what this inbred, mouth-breathing, window-licking muppet comes up with next. Aaron, don't be a stranger, y'hear? One thing that we're still desperately short of over here is frothing incoherent loons with their underpants on their heads. Well, aside from Mail readers, of course, but they're a bit boring by comparison with Aaron here. On the bright side, it may actually be proof of the young earth creationist hypothesis - come on, do you seriously think that if we'd had 4 billion years of evolution, species striving desperately with one another, wresting survival from the jaws of extinction, steadily becoming more attuned to the brutal reality of natural selection, we'd have ended up with THIS guy?
Excuse me, there's a database coming through the walls to get me...
...by pointing out that it was pretty much the Russians that 'saved our asses in WW2', whereas our septic cousins waited until it was obvious who was going to win and then came over and had sex with our women while we were all off fighting the Luftwaffe?
I'm a developer myself and I am not afraid of databases at all.
It's specific ones which frighten me. Ones set up by governments who will use it to sell to marketing types, and ones that monitor people who might possibly be terrorists because they described something as a bomb (like an expensive price or something).
Or databases set up by IT-illiterate types who will only go and lose the data and risk *my* financial security and credit record by losing my data. *cough* NuLabour.
These databases frighten me.
I only wait for the day when the new NHS DB goes live and tells my doctor I have some unpleasant health concern and that I need an organ removed when in fact there is nothing wrong with me.
I'd buy a "The Databases Are Coming! The Databases Are Coming!" T-shirt. Do some 50's style artwork on it, similar to those horrible movies about giant robots (or 50-feet tall woman!) rampaging with some people running from it. 50's style hats for the men, cutesy dresses for the women. All screaming in horror.
So, here is the idea, if you use it at least send an XXXL to me :-)
"So sorry that some kid said 'oh shit, this database isn't solving world peace'."
Wow, and I thought World Peace was the goal, not something to be solved. Clearly the Americans have a different agenda and consider 'world peace' to be something to be solved so they can continue to sell lots of guns and bullets around the globe.
Black helicopter as they're helping solve the world peace problem
Alas, the truth is out - as it happens, *every single* American is exactly like this guy. We'd hope to keep it under wraps for a while, but this pole-smoking dipshit had to go and ruin it for everyone.
On a more serious note, I'm continually amazed at the willingness of rough-n-tough conservatives to hand control and oversight of individuals to the government. Bizarre. "I don't trust the government to run schools and provide a social safety net, but by all means, increase your federal surveillance powers!"
What vivid use of language, the raw anger seething from every letter. You can almost hear these words echoing off the walls of his family basement, the Sarah Palin posters gently fluttering in the breeze created by this furious discourse.
I am touched by this almost Byron-like representation of angst in this confusing modern world. I don’t mind admitting that I cried a little inside.
Databases are not scarey, nor is the informaiton stored in a database.
The scarey point is what is done with the information and who has access to it.
I could take all the information for all people living in the UK and put it in a database and lock it away in a cellar. No one would have any issue with this as there is no way it would be used against you.
I belive (this is my opinion for those dumb people) that the issue is who is going to have access and what the information is used for. He is one of those people who would honestly believe that he gov't would never do anything to harm it's citizens.
May I suggest that extrapolating from the rantings of one loon on the internet that all Americans are mad is er, a smidge unreasonable? After all, the Americans could then extrapolate from that that all Brits are prone to unreasonable extrapolation. And round and round we'd go.
The point is, give it a rest, you Brit-tards.
"No wonder you guys are no longer a super-power"
Yes, we quake in our boots at the great power of the US. The whole world does.
I know I do, I am absolutely terrified of the power of the "super-power". I mean we should bow down to the super president, he's done a great job. Not to mention the super economy.
That so much power should be in the hands of a nation who have a warp sense of history and inflated ego make the rest of us despair.
So I say this:
IF Super-Power != 'Responsible, Intelligent, Peaceful, Helpful, Humble'
SELECT 'We do not deserve the title. We just like the way it makes us feel and how we can boast about it.' AS [True status]
Just my 2 p worth Mr. database man.
If anyone is unfortunate enough to come across another less-than-smart person from the colonies that insists they "saved our asses" please point them at this:
Saved our asses? I didn't even realise our odd-toed ungulate load-bearing friends were even in danger.
I'll get me donkey jacket.
That's 33 comments AToW, Hitler mentioned in the FotW, and not one person has called him "Data Mein Kempf".
Nor has any one responded to the "We saved your asses in WWII" comment with: "If we hadn't taught Squanto to speak English, you guys would have starved to death a long time ago..."
Shameful work there by my fellow commententatorators. Do doubt you're all waiting for the Playmobil piccy of Aaron and his Spitfire at the Battle of Britain. I know that I am.
I'm not frightened by databases but I am allergic to PowerPoint presentations. Just see a file with .ppt extension attached to an email is enough to make my brain swell up and cause me to pass out.
Spreadsheets are very dangerous too. Look at the havoc they caused in the financial sector. But I'm not frightened of them. It's very dangerous to show fear to a spreadsheet, they can smell it and may attack.
My dog was killed by a rogue database six months ago. If it wasn't for my constitutionally guaranteed right, nay, duty, to carry an assault rifle, it might've been me. So kindly lay off your liberal apologists claptrap about how databases don't kill people, content kills people.
@The Various Anonymous Cowards. American education teaches us that both WW1 was a trench warfare standoff before we entered it, and that the British Isles were in danger of invasion prior to our official entry into WW2. Furthermore, it also teaches that we were very slowly winning in the Pacific, and it was taking as long as it was because we decided to focus the majority of resources in Europe first. I think you will find there is some basis for thinking US entry into those conflicts contributed significantly to victory. I wouldn't describe it as "saving Europe", as both times we had significant reasons of our own to go, and neither time did we win the war single handedly.
If you really want to take the piss out of us (Is that the proper use of that phrase?), remind us that we wouldn't be a country at all without the French winning the American Revolution for us, and remind us about the British remodeling of the White House in 1814. Or, in fact, the entire war of 1812. American education glosses over these events, so you might need to explain them a bit.
aaaaahh... Merkins. You gotta love 'em.
@ Stu: "Bless. If he has friends or family, my heart goes out to them"
If he has friends? Do you REALLY think thats likely, exept maybe the guy in the next padded cell along.
Oh by the way, Aaron: We are not scared of databases, we are scared of the (mis)uses they will be put to. Or of a UK.gov employee deciding he needs to do some work at home, dumping a big chunk of the DB to his laptop/USB HDD, then leaving it on the counter when he picks up his fish and chips.
And there's nothing wrong with smoking pole. Paris knows that.
That really is a classic flame. Ticked all the boxes for me and, as an added bonus, he's so impotent with rage he has to post the same deranged screed twice. It's like he never quite achieved a satisfying release from the first post.
Taking personal credit for winning the Second (and probably First) World War despite almost certainly not being born at the time is also excellent stuff. It not only fully confirms the towering arrogance, but adds a random crazy element as the subject matter lunges from databases, to wars that he's seem on TV to playground insults.
Can we get the whole thing on a T-Shirt?
WW2 saw lots of different things, and there are many 'what's if's:
IF the US concentrated on the pacific war, then maybe Europe would be Russian,
IF the Poles (thats people from Poland OK?) with help from France hadn't cracked the enigma machine then the war may have taken a lot longer and cost yet more lives,
IF the Norwegians hadn't co-operated with the British then maybe the Nazis would have been first with an atomic bomb (and long range missiles!),
IF the rest of the world (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, South Africa, India, Pakistan .. oh the list goes on) had just stayed out of WW2 entirely then maybe Europe would be Nazi.
History is written by the victors is very true, but more importantly the victors decide what to tell people after the event, and if the standard curriculum leaves out some of the more embarassing facts then who is to know:
@Mark - our understanding is:
The British Isles was not in any realistic danger of being invaded by the Germans, though the Germans had 'Operation Sealion' as a plan it was not really going to work without their domination of the airspace and channel.
The Americans took a long time to do much in the pacific, but that's rather understandable because they were (after being asked very nicely by Churchill amongst others) concentrating on Europe, as well as getting their own war machine up and running (don't forget that this was not long after a huge depression) AND the way to win in the pacific at the time was to flood the place with submarines intent on knocking out the supply lines, and letting time do the rest.
The Americans did not 'save our hide' so much as save Europe from being either Nazi or, (the greater threat) Russian, and if you think that they did it just because we begged them then that would be a very short-sighted view.
On a (slightly) more lighthearted note it's a common thought here that the Americans always seem to be late for wars, and that those they aren't late for (because they start them) they don't do at all well at (Korea and Vietnam for starters, but Iraq and to a certain extent Afghanistan).
I could go on, but I'm sure that I have been boring enough for a Friday afternoon and everyone wants to read the BoFH instead.
Aaron is a disturbed individual. His arrest record and newsgroup postings show that clearly. To observe that he is a "typical 'merkin" is untrue, unfair, and every bit as moronic as anything Aaron said.
Of course it is not true that America saved England all by itself. The English fought like lions against tremdous odds. However, it *is* true that America came to her aid when it wasn't obliged to.
I just think it's sad that so many on both sides have forgotten the *friendship* that used to exist between our countries.
I've already read the BoFH. :-)
Just to be clear, I was attempting to quote the view that comes out of American public education, or at least the one I received. The picture painted of Britain by such an education is that of a country fighting valiantly, but suffering from blockade and air raids. The impression given is prior to official US entry, the British performed incredible feats of bravery, but did so with equipment and food provided by the Lend-Lease act. It's a dull, drab picture full of powdered milk, tinned tongue, and backyards full of home vegetable plots while the people stubbornly hung on by their fingernails against the best the Nazi's could throw at them. The impression is given that Wolf pack tactics would eventually weaken Britain to the point where an invasion would be successful.
Please note- as you may have guessed, I have spent very little time touring World War 2 Era Britain. I'm simply presenting the view that gets converted into "We saved Britain’s Bacon" by those even less educated about this point in history then myself. (I may have only gone to an American public school, but at least I paid attention to it!)
If you have a database of all citizens, and run a test on it that is 99% accurate in finding terrorists, assuming .0001% of population are terrorists (for example) you will wrongly arrest ~1% of the entire population. of those arrested, the vast majority (>99%) will be innocent. Database testing lookups aren't even 99% accurate. All should read Cory Doctrow's 'Little Brother' available free on his website.
The history books relate that at the very moment Japan surrendered the USA cancelled all their loans and demanded immediate payment. Seeing as it left good ol' Blighty suffering rationing until later than anywhere else in Europe whilst the Germans had the economic miracle, I'd say there was a fairly twisted version of 'saving' going on.
It's also worth noting that the USA didn't become involved for purposes of saving anyone or anywhere. They did it because those nice Japanese got over-enthusiastic on a Pacific cruise and then that lovable music hall act Herr Hitler declared war on them. Which, y'know, rather involved them whether they wanted to or not...
Assuming we fell in WW2, which did indeed require that Germany gain air supremacy over the channel so our planes didn't sink all their lovely shiny troop transport ships, the US would have to deal with a Europe dominated by either the USSR or Nazi Germany. My understanding is that Germany wasn't working on nukes, but only because they felt they would have either won or lost by the time they were ready. They had the potential to work on nukes, and if they gained enough respite they could well have reassessed this and become a nuclear threat. They also had developed a bomber capable of reaching the US, and I heard it managed to get off the east coast undetected, but it was too late in the war and too expensive they didn't have the resources to put it into use. Coupled with plans to try fitting their V rockets (the scientists from which ran your space program by the way) on a submarine this means the Nazis could be a very credible threat long term.
Also the biggest boon to the Allies was Hitler's incompetence. His order to change from bombing the RAF airfields to try bombing our cities into submission instead is truly what saved us, since the RAF was almost broken... but not quite finished off yet and this allowed them to continue. If they had fallen invasion was a real possibility, but once the German bombers changed targets the risk of invasion fell away. Other mistakes where Hitler intervened gave the allies such huge advantages in other situations as well, he seemed to enjoy playing armchair general but he was unbelievably crap at it.
Myself I don't feel all Americans are bad about this, though it comes up enough that it drives us Brits mad. In the same way Americans might be annoyed about the way Brits seem to stereotype "stupid Americans" we're sick and tired of Americans telling us they saved our skin non stop and we rely on them all the time. America is a young country, and having been invaded a few times over about a 2,000 year period and being involved in various wars, civil wars, bad rulers etc tends to give you a little perspective. I feel the US as a country (though not necessarily the people) can be quite immature in its perspective sometimes.
As someone that had an uncle fight over there, I apologize for the rantings of this 'tard.
My uncle dropped into Normandy as one of the first 100 as a pathfinder. Captured in Carentan, shot while escaping, but still escaped. Later went in to fight the Battle of the Bulge.
His descriptions to my father about the British were always "Tough as nails. They never give up".
Not AC, cause I'd be more than welcome to meet this guy face to face.
We REALLY don't think that you're all like Aaron, honestly; it's just that it IS rather fun taking the mick out of him. Your uncle sounds like a hell of a soldier. @ Mark: "It's a dull, drab picture full of powdered milk, tinned tongue, and backyards full of home vegetable plots while the people stubbornly hung on by their fingernails against the best the Icelanders could throw at them." Updated to current spec for you.... *grin*
Guys - his writing is probably nonsense, but the style is good. Almost like he's been mailing you well doctored, planned and executed novels - he's put some real effort into those mails.
Never thought 'communal hatred' would bring out a few laughs - but i'm sorry the good blokes at el reg would have to face this.
Worth reading over again!!
What a moron. Aside from the more obvious lunacies, I had the misfortune a few years back to do some contracted software work for MSFTs UK legal eagles. (database work in fact, rather appropriately) and I can confidently report that were it indeed the case that this chump had worked for them on virtually anything at all, never mind something of dubious legality (although I can't see how web spidering could fall into that category), MSFTs legal attack dogs would have tracked his sorry ass down and nailed it to a wall along with a copy of the NDA he signed (they don't actually make you do it with blood, it just feels that way) the moment he started going so publicly postal about it on the net.
Say what you will about the quality of MSFTs wares, but their legal people are truly first rate, as well as extremely aggressive.
Besides that, despite what it might look like from outside, MSFT simply don't hire morons. Tedious social inadequates, yes, but not morons.
And why am I not surprised that he's a big usenet poster ? Ah usenet, my favourite database of the metally ill by far.
"In case you're wondering why we refer to Kempf as a "serial" commentard, a bit of light investigation showed he's got some previous form."
How did you investigate, hm? Perhaps by querying your comments DATABASE, hm? OMFGBBQ DATAMINING IN EL REG!!!
(FWIW, I don't care about data queries, per se. I do care about vast quantities of private data on individuals held in one place where all kinds of people like the local moron traffic cop can have carte blanche getting to it)
How many voices were there in those mails? Perhaps the poster could quietly decide which of his alters is to respond before touching the keyboard, and thus not seem like a gang bang commentard.
BTW, I didn't read the article. Must go and see what jump started the neurones in this instance. Well done.
Isn't he great! I have just spent 30 happy minutes reading his postings on the net, and others posting about himself! He deserves a website in his own right:
"Why SQL Servers will make you a man and how I rule the world!"
I think it's really kind of him to denigrate himself just so that we can laugh at his expense!
Now now. Those are hurtful, emasculating words.
You need to validate his feelings. His anger and his pain, they are real to him and by not acknowledging them you are telling him that he, Anonymous Coward, is not valid... is not real... is not a man.
I think we all need to break down our walls and share a moment of personal time, in personal space. Come on. Lets hug. You all know it would be better if we hugged the hurt away. Don't be ashamed to cry, either. I often cry when I am hugging.
Are we still talking about Aaron Crankypants? He could do with a hug too. And valium. On a drip. He is not valid and we will not allow him to think himself so.
I am suspecting this might not pass moderation, but I'm fine with that. It is a good day. Many hugs.
" However, it *is* true that America came to her aid when it wasn't obliged to."
As I recall from my history lessons, we were obliged to pay vast sums in order to have that assistance - it wasn't quite as benevolent as you suggest.
I think the real loser here, aside from Aaron of course, is the 'merkin education system which seems unable to teach history. I'd love to point out a long list of things from which Aaron personally benefits - all due to the UK. However space doesn't permit so I've put them in a database... If nothing else scares him, the number of things he owes to us ought to...
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