Is it not funny
or could our grasp of the ancient languages be lacking in cultural depth? Try translating any joke, good or bad into another language and it generally dies a death. (except Monty Python, of course)
UKTV has published what it claims to be the world's oldest joke - a Sumerian rib-tickler dating back to 1,900 BC which goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." Yup, they were a laugh a minute, those cheeky Sumerians, and no messing. In second spot we …
...and next morning he sent the slave to market. On his way home the slave fell down and died. The farmer went to the dealer and complained: you told me this slave was healthy but already he has fallen down and died! Quickly the dealer replied: but he never did that when he was with me!
That's from ancient Greece, but some linguists researching accents for Reading University recorded the same joke (though about a horse) in Berkshire in the 1950s.
A man is walking past a Bedlam when he hears a voice yelling out, "Thirteen! Thirteen!".
The man thinks nothing of it and continues walking. After taking not more than two steps, he hears the same voice again yell out, "Thirteen! Thirteen!". This gets him curious. He starts looking around, but sadly the Bedlam is surrounded by a tall wall and he can't see anything!
As he is looking around the wall, trying to find a way to see in, the voice continues to yell out "Thirteen! Thirteen!".
Finally, by a stroke of luck, the man finds a whole in the wall for him to peek through! He gets close, bends down a little and presses his eye tight against the whole to see whats going on. But no sooner than he presses his face against the wall to see, a stick comes through the hole and pokes him in the eye!
The man falls over into the street, holding his eye in pain as the voice on the other side of wall calls out, "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Two farm-hands are walking down the road when suddenly a motorcycle passes them - and the motorcyclist is headless! They stare after him, amazed, then walk on.
A few minutes later, another headless motorcyclist whizzes by.
One farmhand says to the other, "Hey, Fred, could you put the scythe on your other shoulder for a bit?"
Paris, because the head is not missing...
They rub it, out pops a genie who gives them a wish each.
The first one says, "I want to be smart". *POOF* she turns brunette and swims to the mainland.
The second says "I want to be smarter than that..". *POOF* her hair turns black, she cuts some trees, builds a boat and sails to the mainland.
The third says "I want to be even smarter than THAT.." *POOF* she turns into a man and walks across the bridge..
Because it's neither rare nor well done.
And, dammit, someone beat me to the goldfish joke, though the punchline I've heard is, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Here are a couple more...
Two parrots are standing on a perch.
One of them says, do you smell something?
Two people looking at a tall office block, one asks, "How many people do you think work there?"
The other replies, "About half."
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Two psychics walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have the same."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost the whole way, and the other to give it a sudden surprising twist at the end.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to paint the giraffe blue, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored machine tools.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.
What's the longest word in the English language?
The one that immediately follows the phrase, "... and now a word from our sponsor."
My father used to take me to the park and put me on mood swings.
I'm starting a home for stray bullets.
Last week I went to a sneak preview and I knew everybody there.
Free the hydroxyl radicals!
Two engineering students meet on campus. One says to the other, "Hey, where'd you get the cool bike?" The other says, "That's a strange story. This beautiful woman rode up to me this morning, jumped off the bike, took her clothes off, and said, 'Take what you want!'" "Good choice," says the first student. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To AC who didn't get the joke: If you're serious, consider the phrase "He gave her one" as a euphemism for a sexual act. If you still don't get it, look up "double-entendre" in a dictionary. :)
Two Beavers are sitting at a bar quietly nursing their pints. One, who's clearly had too much, starts getting a bit leery and then clearly angling for a fight turns around to the other beaver and says in a loud voice "hey, you. I slept with your mother".
The bar goes quiet as everyone waits for the response, but the other beaver just ignores him. So the first one gets up, wobbles over and jabs the other beaver while saying in a stil louder voice "did you hear me, I said I slept with your mother!"
Finally the second beaver gets to his feet, turns around and says "go home Dad, you're drunk".
Voted funniest joke of all time by the british a few years back. The funniest in the US was....
A guy calls the hospital and says "I'm on a hunting trip with my buddy and I've just shot him by accident. I think he's dead! What to do I do?"
"OK, calm down and first make sure he's actually dead"
"OK, now what?"
Yes, I laughed like a drain.
A British television station decided to compose a list of the ten oldest jokes in the world.
They found eight jokes that were older than the Philogelos, an ancient Greek collection of 265 jokes.
"Well, we'll just round out the list with two of the jokes from that book," the one fellow said.
"But won't 'The Eight Oldest Jokes in the World plus Two of the 265 Jokes Tied for Ninth Place' be a funny name for a list?", the other fellow asked?
"Well, we'll just tell everybody the other 263 jokes weren't funny!", the first man replied
Want old jokes do we?
Two Roman soldiers were captured during the war against the Brutii. The King of the Brutii had the soldiers brought before him and gave the first the choice of death or bohica. The soldier, thinking to save his life chose bohica. Immediately he was seized by a maniple of Brutii warriors and raped by each. Degraded, the soldier was sold into slavery.
Shocked and disgusted, the second soldier chose an honorable Roman death when the King offered him the choice.
Smiling, the King said "Very well, death by bohica".
And how do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Pour pure alcohol on the cat and throw it a lit match.
What does a blonde put behind her earlobes to become more attractive?
Why the average woman prefers to be pretty rather than intelligent?
Because the average man sees better than he thinks.
And, to make my comment relate to this "IT news" site, the old but so very true:
-How many HW engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
-None: "We'll fix it in software"
-How many SW engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
-None: "We'll mention it in the documentation"
-How many doc writers does it take to change a light bulb?
-None: "The user will work it out"
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