back to article Ohio table-shag man gets six months

The Ohio man caught on camera having sex with a picnic table has been jailed for six months, NBC reports. Art Price Jr, 40, of Bellvue, molested the round metal table on four occasions. The last garden furniture liaison was on 12 March, a day before an unnamed informant dropped off DVD video evidence with cops, showing the …

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  1. Ryan Smith

    Stills from the DVD

    If El Reg could get hold of stills from the DVD I think the world would be a slightly better place.

  2. Mark

    Just as well it was table furniture

    If his predilection had been for swimming pool furniture, he may have been convicted of being a pedalo-phile.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    That's a bit stiff.

    The sentence, I mean.

  4. iSuff44
    Joke

    What?

    He gets wood off wood???

    Weirdo still the mayo is always full at their picnics!!

  5. NRT

    "pleaded no contest to "disseminating harmful material.......""

    Have you Americans got no sense of irony?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    erm

    not that i'm a pervert - but can we have a lego-mockup of this to prove it happened - I'm not convinced.

    Lego icon???

  7. Scott
    Coat

    Clink list

    Does any one have a list of tiems and time you would expect to spend inside for diffrent furniture?

    anyone know how long you get for the daddy of household items a vacum-cleaner? 5 years maybe?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In Soviet Russia

    In Soviet Russia, picnic table shags you.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lynch Him !

    I'll bet the table was under age too ! The Sicko !

    Innocent furniture will be safe from violation for 6 months at least. Is there a register for furniture abusers he can go on?

    If I ever see a table with comely legs I look away and think righteous thoughts like any right-minded citizen would.

    Many's the time I have had to pour a bucket of water over nesting coffee tables.

    This DVD evidence would justly be classed extreme porn in our country.

    I demand we have perverts put down at birth for the sake of humanity !

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Caught on camera

    Cheers for that Lester,

    I'm sitting here half way up a mountain in Italy trying not to do some work (network traffic management for a local WISP), when I followed the link back to the caught on camera article and some of the funniest comments I've seen in ages.

    Ah well, back to work kicking filesharers off.

  11. Stephane Mabille
    Paris Hilton

    How old was the table?

    Let's hope the table was 16, 18, 21 or 25+ (not sure what the legal sex age is in Bellevue).... Of course the table has its part of responsibility, it didn't use it's gun (which I suspect comes with any birth certificate in Ohio)

    Paris because.... do you really an explanation?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    poor man

    "disseminating harmful material to juveniles and public indecency"

    I assume to make this stick he could be seen from the school grounds?

  13. Mark
    Gates Horns

    and that man...

    was me!

    i have the dvd if you want it

    mark@tableshagger.com

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Pathetic

    So some perhaps misguided but otherwise harmless (unless you happen to be a table) bloke gets six months in PRISON?

    I'm sorry this really is a disgusting infringement on peoples' right to do what the fuck they want in their own homes, as long as it's not hurting others!

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    eh?

    so it's a felony to shag a picnic table on your own property, but it's perfectly ok to video someone shagging their picnic table?

    it wouldn't happen in the UK with out extreme porn laws!!! especially if the guy on the table got splinters - there's no way a video of that would be legal!!

    paris for the reasons the other posters have no doubt mentioned already!!

  16. Elmer Phud
    Happy

    Time to ban . . .

    . . . .garden centre websites.

    Also at your local B&Q an over 18's section where all the 'patio furniture' is kept.

  17. D
    Paris Hilton

    so to punish him, they're going to lock him in a cell with only

    a bed and small table for company?

    Paris, because I'd rather do a bike than a table any day.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Conjugal Visits?

    So can he schedule conjugal visits, just with the furniture in the conjugal visiting room?

    Seriously furniture shops in Huron County are breathing a big sigh of relief now this perv is in prison

  19. Nick Cassimatis
    Alert

    Missing the point...

    Umbrella hole... metal picnic table...

    Ow.

  20. Nick Roberts
    Joke

    Lester, Lester, I'm ashamed of you...

    Where's the "laid the table" joke?

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    @ac - lego mockup

    I second the motion, erm....

  22. TrishaD
    Paris Hilton

    Sex with inanimate objects

    I have a vibrator...

    Would that be illegal in Huron County too?

    Paris - because she's probably baffled too (and probably about as blonde as I am...)

  23. Lyndon Hills

    re: Where's the "laid the table" joke?

    Just after the mention of the "hardened" perp...

  24. michael
    Boffin

    @ac - lego mockup

    it is playmobile not lego

  25. Steve

    Re: Sex with inanimate objects

    "I have a vibrator...

    Would that be illegal in Huron County too?"

    If it vibrates, then surely it isn't inanimate.

  26. Patrick R
    Heart

    The economic angle

    Would it be legal to open an "Escort Tables" agency? Just shake them to get a table dance. Add it a bikini to get a Pool Table. Hum.

  27. Swee' Pea

    Life in Prison

    How do you explain this particular crime to the other inmates?

    Robbery

    Drugs

    Assualt

    .

    .

    Sex with inanimate object

  28. Swee' Pea

    It is Impressive

    that the charge was more than public nudity. March in Ohio is COLD!!!!

  29. Jaap Stoel

    So now furniture has feelings?

    What was he convicted for? Vandalism? I mean isn't it a man's own business anymore what he does with his furniture?

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    He was near a school...

    He was near a school but he admitted having it orf with the table in his own home? Was he in public or was he in his own back yard? If he was in his own back yard then surely whatever he does in the privacy of his own home is his business?

    *Hides particularly attractive chair from prying eyes*

  31. Mark

    Re: Life in Prison

    Maybe the prison ho's will be too scared to assault him..!

  32. TrishaD

    @ Steve

    'If it vibrates, then surely it isn't inanimate.'

    Yes but it only vibrates for about 5 minutes.

    Then it breaks wind and goes to sleep.

    Its ever so realistic......

  33. John F***ing Stepp

    Don't cry for me IKEA

    Not a pervert; wasn't getting it 'under the table'.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    What I wonder,

    is if he's going to branch out into Safe Sex?

    Mine's the one with the keypad on the zipper.

  35. Mark

    Re: Life in Prison

    I know i'd give him a good seeing to

  36. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Life in Prison

    Maybe I've missed it but if not, I am staggered no one has done the 'Got wood?' one yet.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You f--king what?

    I think the title says it all.

    Shagging a table in your house/garden == 6 months in Jail.

    I mean... can people living near schools not wank anymore? Have showers naked? I mean what the shit is happening to this world? I can't even go "haha only in America" becouse I'm quite sure the same would happen here too. Re man shagging a bicycle in his own room with the door locked.

  38. Tony

    @ Sarah Bee

    Check out iSuf44 - "wood off wood" - it's close enough I think.

    Are we heading back to the good old Victorian days, when people put little covers on the legs of their pianos so then they would not arouse men's lustful thoughts?

    I've always been a suspicious of those cricketers who spend so much time with linseed oil and their "favourite bat"!

  39. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: @ Sarah Bee

    I dunno why these things are always classed as 'sex with inanimate object', really. It's just masturbation. There's no one else there. Not even if they give the object a name. Like, 'Doris'.

  40. Buffy
    Paris Hilton

    Innocent furniture !?

    In my experience there's no such thing.

    There's always whole clusters of nested tables hanging around our local neighbourhood, showing off their legs and tops with hardly a stitch of cloth between them. Tho they do look cute with those little lace doilies.

    I reckon the guy's table lead him up the garden path. It's difficult to be completely impervious when they flaunt it like they do. Having said that, the table probably wasn't that old - it's height alone should have been a bit of a warning.

    Paris, because well, duh, I've seen the video. That dressing table in the background is HOT !

  41. Graham Bartlett

    What occurred to me...

    The picnic tables I've seen, the hole in the middle for the umbrella was really quite large, and most people of my acquaintance would be unlikely to, erm, touch the sides all round. So you'd need to be fairly accurate about what garden furniture you chose, to get the right dimensions. Which brings a serious level of danger to your trips to the garden centre, I would think...

  42. Bounty

    hmmm

    Maybe since it's back east, there was no fence in the back yard, or the guy was in front of his house? If the guy making the DVD did it from the school, say during recess, then I could see why they came down on him so hard, otherwise that's jacked.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Jail vs. Prison

    typically,

    under a year is spent in a jail...

    year or more is spent in prison...

    big difference in locations.

    either way, the sentence is a bit much. even if it was during school hours (which would have broken up the doldrum i'd think).

  44. Chris C

    What?!?

    "Price pleaded no contest to 'disseminating harmful material to juveniles and public indecency'"

    Yes, watching somebody masturbate is going to scar people (including children who never saw the incident) for life. Lock him up and throw away the key! However, I understand there are laws against this. But first, the law (and subsequent punishment) should be consistent. It should not matter whether he was close to a school or not. If something is against the law, it's against the law. It's like those stupid "Drug free zone" signs we have near schools. I thought the whole country was supposed to be drug-free? But more than that, I must question the charge of "disseminating harmful material to juveniles". Exactly what was this "material" he allegedly "disseminated"?

  45. Michael J Evans

    Shouldn't that be....

    "pleaded no contest to "inseminating harmful material......."

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Yes, I know some here find it absolutely hilarious ...

    But is this really appropriate punishment, or is punishment of any kind what is needed? This man has harmed no one and, if he gets off with furniture, its unlikely anyone will get harmed.

    The fella needs a mild (and voluntary) spot of counseling, perhaps, but not jail.

    This is obnoxious. We're all found guilty nowadays of things which someone might see not what they do in fact see.

    It has a prurient nudge-nudge dimension to it — haha — but there is a very sinister angle to this.

  47. kain preacher Silver badge

    Chris C

    "If something is against the law, it's against the law. It's like those stupid "Drug free zone" signs we have near schools"

    That's to let you know if your caught selling in a drug free zone , it's double the penalty

  48. Paul Ryan

    Odd...

    Wasn't it the neighbours who recorded him and thus were "disseminating harmful material"?

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ac

    In Soviet Russia, picnic table shags you.

    err thats SF. They just turn the table upside down

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Madness

    Surely a prime example of how insane the paedophile panic has become. From what I can make out the guy had sex with furniture in his own home and some peeping tom videoed him doing it and so he was convicted of some absurd "crime", but his "crime" is said to be worse because his house was close to a school!

    The logic here is totally mad:

    1. A person can't "have sex with", "molest" or "rape" an inanimate object. These require another living being to be involved. This table activity can only be defined as masturbation. Now masturbation is illegal? In your own home, in private?

    2. The fact that a school was nearby is totally irrelevant. It's apparently based on the absurd (and utterly unsupported by any evidence) assumption that all "perverts" are child molesters too - if you masturbate with a table you must want to rape children or perform the act with the table in front of them. Or heavens knows what else! Won't someone think of the children!! The guy likes tables for God's sake. Sexual fetishes and fetishists tend to be incredibly specific - guys who like shoes *only* like shoes (and often only specific types), guys who like knickers only get off on knickers, etc. Child molesters are also usually very specific - they like children, not shoes, cars, tables or other items of household hardware.

  51. Alan Ferris
    Paris Hilton

    So that Is what is meant by....

    .... table dancing.

    I've often wondered how to get one to dance. We live a very sheltered life around here.

  52. Chris Donald
    Black Helicopters

    The judge is an idiot

    And camera user an arsehole.

    The table humper was silly not to have hidden himself from the real pervert-the guy jacking off whilst recording him.

    Seriously-who does that? Records someone elses jackoff technique and then presents to the police?

    Sorry, I'm biased-I'm a car guy myself and would go postal on a voyeuristuc prick looking to get me jailed-though admittedly I tend to close the garage door !

    The judge needs to reconsider or sentence the cam welder!

  53. Charley

    Re: Life in Prison

    ...and then they all moved away from me on the bench...

    A Guthrie.

  54. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    Wanna come back to my place...

    ....for a coffee table?

  55. iSuff44
    Happy

    A bit concerned......

    About the neighbours making a DVD, what else do they film? Maybe they have a whole DVD collection involving inanimate objects, 'The DVD Player gets it 2' and so on!

    Mines the one trapped in the DVD drawer

  56. Ascylto

    Outrage!

    Will someone please think of the picnic chairs!

  57. Martin Maloney
    Dead Vulture

    If Al Price lived in Ireland...

    ...would he have sex with Paddy O'Furniture?

    (You're all SO jealous!)

  58. C. Fuhrman

    More info

    From a Toledo Ohio news channel's web site: http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=8082496

  59. RaelianWingnut

    @TrishaD

    I'm still not impressed. I won't be satisfied until I find one that misfires when you look it in the eye. And shrinks when you buy it a pint.

  60. xjy
    Paris Hilton

    Normal jack-off on kitchen table

    In Sweden a man was once fined (this is Sweden, still) for wanking off on his kitchen table, indoors in his own kitchen. A woman saw him through his kitchen window and was "outraged". This was before the paedophile pandemic, otherwise some kid would have been held up to prove evil intent.

    And some of my neighbours consider an old guy walking around topless on his own balcony to be disrespecting the kids playing down in the yard.

    It's not just unlawful carnal knowledge being punished here, it's sex in general and the human body the way it is in particular.

    Paris cos that's what everyone else is doing...

  61. Hugh Jorgen
    Paris Hilton

    American w*nkers need our help....

    **While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour, Price's proximity to Ridge Elementary School upped the outrage to a felony.**

    If I can just get this clear.....what's the legallity towards having a 5 knuckle shuffle if you live within a certain distance of a primary school in the USA? 500m and over, the Roman Catholic church says you're going to hell. 499m and less and a frikin judge says you're going to be some vicious criminal's bunk muffin?

    Personally, I'l have whipped the bald chap out in court and thrashed out a quick fist of fury display to get my moneys worth.

    Paris.....I'm off to the gents to have a wafty crank specially for her since I'm miles from a school.

  62. RaelianWingnut
    Thumb Up

    @American w*nkers need our help....

    Oh cool!

    Give me a buzz when it happens and I'll be there with my video cam to add it to my Extreme Pornography collection. This is a textbook definition of the word. Not only does it give the (elderly) judge a w00dy, it stands the jury, and the entire legal apparatus on end. And, through the sublime magic of operant conditioning, a whole new perversion...

    Thumbs up, because, well, you have to.

  63. sam
    Coat

    Simple Answer...

    The table was rocking and he was convinced that there was a screw missing

    Don't worry, I'm going.

  64. Daniel
    Coat

    all afternoon ...

    ... and I can't do better than something about "laying the table".

    Mine's the one with "failure" on the back.

  65. Mr Ropey
    Gates Horns

    What about the potential offspring?

    As he managed to inseminate the table, is it now pregnant? Think of the child support issues here (what polish to use, have they had their rust treatments, oh god, what about metal moth??)

  66. Edward Pearson

    Without wanting...

    ...to defend somebody who's obviously barking mad.

    We may not agree with what he's done, but what happened to his right to do it? This is HIS table, on HIS private land. Now obviously we don't have all the details, but it doesn't sound like this chap is an exhibitionist, I think 6 months in a US prison is a tad extreme.

  67. Mark

    Re: Without wanting...

    Well, shows what YOU know!

    This was an act done in PLAIN VIEW of his neighbour. He only had to stand on a chair by the window in his kitchen after he'd cut the hedge down a bit! Practically right in front of him!!!

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Sex with an inanimate object?

    Bloody hell, I'm glad I don't live in America - I spent 4 years of my life having sex with an inanimate object. After that I got fed up and divorced her!

  69. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    What about sex on a table?

    I mean could you be sent to prison for that. It could be seen as invloving the table in a sex act.

  70. pctechxp
    Paris Hilton

    Hmmm

    Suppose he got off lightly

    least he didn't get a restraining order banning him from going within a 1 mile radius of furniture shops!!!

    I'm not surpised such a fetish exists, after all there were a coup-le of programmes in the UK about people having a car or building fetish.

    Quite sad though as there's plenty of hot totty out there, you really don't need to go after poor defenceless tables.

    Paris, because although not my first choice, would definitely be better than a table.

  71. Mark

    Just a splinter group

    Wa Wa Wa Waaah

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