back to article Life a mess? The Moderatrix can help

It's come to our attention that some of you have lost your way a little on this journey we call life, and are wandering aimlessly while attempting to answer the fundamentals of existence. How do I install a printer driver on Umbongo Linux? I'm hungry - should I order pizza or a bucket-'o-plumped-chicken-gizzards? If I have a …

COMMENTS

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  1. Mike Crawshaw
    Coat

    "Strict Guidance"?

    Please tell me it's Sarah and not Paris....!!!!!

    "Whatever you say, Mistress...."

    <- the one with the numerous interesting straps, thanks!

  2. Alex Rose
    Unhappy

    Existential angst

    What's it all about? Is it all worth it?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Stop the World

    Is there anyway to stop the world because I wish to get off.

  4. Mark Warman
    Coat

    Where is the cloakroom?

    That i might get mine coat... And what is that beeping noise?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Bit of a poseur...

    Chuck Norris is my dad. He doesn't know this yet, but im if I tell him, will I get a back-log of years of Roundhouse Kicking discipline?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    hmm

    If i have an IT angle, will Paris wear my coat?

  7. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: hmm

    Come on, folks. Dig deeper. Stare into the void.

    Into the VOID.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Good morning - It's Groundhog Day !

    Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.

    Can we have a clear classification system for posters?

    The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.

    The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!

    The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure

    The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.

    The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position

    There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments

    :o)

  9. Dex
    Thumb Up

    ^ What he said

    What Mike said, Sarah can dominate me anytime :P

  10. Stuart
    Coat

    is there more than showers

    Even after having a shower women won't sleep with me, is there anything else I can do. Hang on, have to go just found a new half life mod,

  11. Andy Hards
    Happy

    Can I have some money?

    Please??

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Tuna

    I'm often stumped by which variety of tuna to buy. I'm a bit indifferent to the taste, it's all the same with mayo. So which will make me a healthier person/a better global citizen/smell less? Brine, spring water, sunflower oil or olive oil?

  13. Anonymous John

    How do I get to meet the Eee beach blonde?

    And shouldn't she have her own icon?

  14. Andy G
    Coat

    but . . . .

    In a conundrum, who does The Moderatrix turn to for answers ???

    /mines the one you have to ask about

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Green or an oily film?

    Considering that without atmospheric CO2 Earth would be an iceball and that all the fossil stored CO2 will be used up at some point, I am failing to buy into this whole eco-group-think.

    Should I continue with my petrol-fuelled beliefs, or should I become and eco-nut?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Good vibrations

    Dear Moderatrix,

    I have a slight recurring problem, which happens every day, without fail, just as my bus arrives (as I'm heading in to work). There is a particularly bumpy bit of road just before my stop, and as the bus goes over it, it rattles my cage and...er... sends my genitalia into an excited state. It's very embaressing getting off the bus and walking through the street with alert genitals in my pants.

    I have tried various solutions - covering it with a newspaper, walking with my jacket held over my arm (even in rainy weather), but nothing can hide it's presence. It's especially embaressing when I realise a colleague of mine is disembarking the bus at the same time as me, and we have to walk side by side to work - 200 metres with a stiffy :|

    Apart from not taking the bus, how do I get round this embaressing situation (no permanent solutions please though, I still need him alert for the missus)?

    -Stiffy

  17. Guy
    Coat

    What did I do wrong?

    I grew up as a geek / nerd (Depending on your definition of both)

    I watch sci-fi, I can debate the intricacies of technology differences between Star Trek and Star Wars, I have been known to read a comic or two, and have certainly been known to roll a D20 or two in my time. I can diagnose a computer with my eyes shut, and have a variety of OS's running on my home computer cluster.

    Yet somehow I managed to get a wife and child (that's right my fellow reg readers, I have had sex and have the proof to back that claim up), I'm not shunned from parties and have been known to give a speech without resorting to techno babble. Heck if it comes to it, I'm also known to have a shower more than once a month! (No seriously, like everyday or something, I know it's wrong but I can't stop)

    So the question is what did I do wrong? Where did I lose my way on the track of life known as geekdom? How did I de-rail and join 'society'? How can I hope to get back to the right way of life?

    Please Moderatrix (OK, Sarah if you insist) share with me your wisdom, tell me how I should proceed, I feel like I'm letting the team down.

  18. dervheid
    Coat

    Who...

    moderates the Moderatrix?

    Or should the question really be; Who would DARE moderate the moderatrix?

    The one with "Whip me mistress!" and "Thank you, may I have another?" on the back.

  19. Lyndon Hills
    Thumb Up

    @ Mark_T

    Sounds exactly like usenet, just after AOL started up. You missed Godwin's law, however, which needs it's own category.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Halo

    I'm stuck

    I'm stuck in a joke with no prospects. I need to get a better joke, one that will pay a lot more money, and earn me the respect I deserve.

  21. Senor Beavis
    Joke

    Good morning - It's Groundhog Day !

    Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.

    Can we have a clear classification system for posters?

    The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.

    The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!

    The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure

    The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.

    The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position

    There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments

    :o)

  22. Jay
    Thumb Up

    The Bridgekeeper

    Moderatrix,

    What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

  23. Tom

    Whats comes first? the socks or the pants!

    Given that X=Y and the world is round, can you tell me if its a sin to put your socks on before putting on underpants? I come to this critical point every morning of my life and can not determine if putting socks on first will send me to hell or will open my eyes to a greater good of tackle in the wind with cosy feet.

    Please Help!

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Definitions...

    I have a tight golden ring with 6 prongs three point up three point down..

    Is it a hexapod or a tripod?

  25. Mike Crawshaw

    Void? OK.

    Well, you did ask....

    According to Miyamoto Musashi, the Kensei, in his seminal work "Go Rin No Sho":

    "In the void is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom has existence, principle has existence, the Way has existence, spirit is nothingness."

    Should we therefore aspire to the state of void, where virtue is present but "evil" is not, where virtue thus becomes meaningless due to the absence of its opposite - or should we abstain from the void state, in order to allow virtue to have meaning?

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paranoia...

    I was a teenage bot master and now I see ginger midgets everywhere, is it Scientologists, the FBI, CEOP, Hazel Blears, or should I just lay off the weed?

  27. Mike F
    Boffin

    How many roads must a man walk down...

    ... before he gets run over?

  28. April
    Jobs Horns

    Help...

    I appear to have become entangled in Apple's Reality Distortion Field. It's rather disturbing, and very very shiny. Is there a way out?

  29. Richard
    Go

    Some Questions

    1) When will the Playmobil dioramas be available on Cash & Carrion?

    2) Can the moderatrix questions/answers be done in the form of a Playmobil diorama?

    3) Why don't we ever hear of 418 fraudsters? Is that the section covering selling an animal at the fair that's trained to return to you?

    Have to say though, the moderatrix sounds like someone who'd jury rig a taser out of a harpoon gun and a scalextric controller

  30. Michael

    What do I want to be

    when I grow up?

  31. Alfie
    Alien

    <jedi> this isnt the title you're looking for </jedi>

    Is this just like Ask Elvis on Steve Wright in the afternoon?

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Spam, spam, spam...

    Do spammers get spam?

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Timezone problem

    If you are in Niue at 23:30 on, for example, a Monday, and you call someone at Kiribati, at Kiribati it's already Wednesday, 00:30. What would happen if you said your friend "See you tomorrow"? Would you ever meet him/her?

  34. Neil

    Two things.

    1. I think I'd like to marry Sarah.

    2. As Carl Sagan so elequantly put it:

    <regarding a photograph of Earth taken from the Voyager probe>

    "Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

    So my life might be a mess, but it really does not matter. Sarah, you and I, we're stardust baby - we belong together! You bring the whips and I'll provide the astronomical observation equipment.

  35. Paul
    Go

    Where does your lap go..

    when you stand up?

  36. Billy Goat Gruff

    2b||!2b

    I'm not sure where my fingers have been, should I lick them?

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Have merci! Please help!

    I've secretly consulted Wikipedia although El Reg told us it is evil. Will I become a liar and a cheater? Will I burn in Hell (trickle, trickle, trickle)? Are you going to bite my hand, too? Does El Reg sell Reality Wafers (TM) to spare me from disinfosease?

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    If El Reg could chuck wood

    How Zotted is El Reg going to get when the Usenet Oracle finds out about this?

    Will Sarah Bee the new Lisa?

    Are you prepared for the deluge of questions about woodchucks?

    Why is a cow?

    Sorry. I'm older than I look.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    You Sooooooo asked for this

    Oh Reg what hast thou unleashed ?

    You didn't see all this coming ?

    RE: Senor Beavis

    Ya, thanks, nice one ;oP~~~~

  40. Jamie Kitson

    Questions

    Is it hypocritical for vegans to keep pets?

    Would/should an environmentalist, given the ability, go back in time and stop the asteroid hitting the earth which destroyed the dinosaur's environment, allowing the human strand of evolution to flourish?

  41. Aditya Krishnan

    Why

    does El Reg not have a Moderatrix Icon?

  42. ImaGnuber

    @Sarah Bee

    I'm sick and tired of acronyms. What is this VOID you speak of?

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Strippers?

    If a stripper gives you her number(and its real) why wont she return your calls?

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The woodchuck corollary...

    Never mind the woodchucks.

    How much ham would hamster stir if a hamster had stirred ham?

  45. punks unite
    Boffin

    Please help!

    I've just moved into a new flat with a member of the opposite sex, and I'm not sure how to confess my addiction to Eve Online. I've managed to hide it up until now, but we've discussed PC gaming and she thinks the only people doing it are "internet wierdos"

    I'm dreading the first time burst into the room and catches me typing away, with my headset on, discussing ship fittings. Should I have some pr0n or something open in the background so I can switch to that and not get busted?

    Please help!!

  46. Jamie Kitson

    ps

    Why don't any shops sell Nestle Crunch bars any more?

  47. Steve
    Thumb Up

    Home

    What time can I leave without everyone who hasn't left thinking "what a slacker"?

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Endless questions....

    In the article "Google kills Anonymous AdSense account" how did they know the account name?

    Is it hypocritical for vegans to kill their crabs?

    Why are all laptop screens ludicrously glossy?

  49. Anonymouse

    Ultimate question?

    Forty Two

  50. Ian Dennison
    Joke

    @Carl Sagan

    Carl, how many times do I have to remind you, stay out of the Total Perspective Vortex!

    Share and Enjoy!

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm paranoid

    Are they really out to get me?

    And why should i trust you?

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Why?

    Why is orange jam called marmalade?

    Why do cricketers wear long trousers in the summer and footballers wear shorts in the winter?

    how many colours are there really in a rainbow? why no brown, silver or gold?

    Why is the sky blue? Is the blue you see the same as the blue I see?

    Why does my agency always pay some seeming random amount that bears no relation to the invoice amount, except that it's always less than invoice amount?

    What has happened to the £20k* per person a year public spending increase over the last 10 years, and can I get mine back?

    * Approx £1.2 Trillion, approx 60 million people.

    Oh, and shower or not. There's no sex.

  53. Michael Miller

    Duck question

    If a duck plucker died, would you call it "The Fall of the Duck" or

    (and think now)

    Would you say the plucker ran out of ducks and they called it "Duck Plucker's Luck"?

  54. Dave
    Paris Hilton

    If I say something, seemingly intelligent....

    If I say something, seemingly intelligent at work and my wife doesn't hear me... Am I still wrong ?

    Paris - because that's what my wife looks like - If i really squint and look at her sideways!

  55. Edward Pearson
    Alert

    Society

    Given what goes on today (we read about most of it on here), would you say that society (and perhaps human nature) is self destructive?

    If so, have a stab at explaining why.

  56. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Kiwi's

    What is the plural of Kiwi fruit?

  57. Pierre Silver badge

    Deadlined dates

    I couldn't help but notice that the hugelely important (though unannounced) deadlines-o-death are always set to the day after planned dates (thus voiding the latter.). Can you help me?

  58. This post has been deleted by its author

  59. Cap'n wotsit
    Coat

    Dear Moderatrix

    if a wood chuck cold chuck wood, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

    how do they get the sripes in stripey toothpaste?

    is this a question?

    is hell exothermic or endothermic?

    why?

    right that should do it, I'm off to specially prepared positions in the rear

    fnark!

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Good morning - It's Groundhog Day !

    Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.

    Can we have a clear classification system for posters?

    The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.

    The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!

    The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure

    The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.

    The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position

    There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments

    :o)

  61. Anonymously Deflowered
    Unhappy

    Taking my work home with me

    I am a software developer and my job regularly requires me to quickly identify problems in any solution that someone proposes.

    Unfortunately this way of thinking has kind of become ingrained. And now whenever my girlfriend asks me a question, I will immediately respond with something like "we can't possibly do that because...".

    She says I'm being negative. I say I'm being logical. What can I do to change?

    Help me please!

    * P.S. Sometimes it can be a useful trait. An example of this is "We can't possibly go to stay with your parents this weekend because there isn't much tyre tread left on your car/I will be hungover/we can't afford it/I have foot and mouth disease"

  62. Chris Branch
    Alert

    This page needs one

    Will the Internet ever get a 'punch user in the face' button, so we can deal with trolls and spammers the old-fashioned way?

  63. Lukin Brewer

    Classification system for posters?

    Check out Flame Warriors:

    http://www.flamewarriors.com/index.htm

  64. XML slave
    Linux

    Prospective Future

    There's good money to be made as a web developer, and I'm fairly decent at it. The problem is that I've lost almost all interest in that career. It's a wonderful hobby, but working on the designs laid out by my company is nothing short of tedious and droll.

    On the other side of the coin, I'm not really that great at anything else. Oh I'm moderately proficient in other areas, but I only excel in the IT world. Should I abandon all caution and start a career in something I might not be very good at? Or should I buckle down, stop whining, and be a code monkey?

    Icon because it's the only creature that might understand my plight.

  65. Zargof

    So...

    Given that climate change is causing the world to experience more and more extreme weather, fossil fuels are running out, the world's population is spiralling out of control, the socio-political climate is causing food and energy prices to rise... why are hot dogs sold in packs of 10 while hot dog buns are sold in packs of eight?

  66. Dai
    Gates Horns

    Is this like "notes and swearies"?

    Can you recommend any office-safe insults, for when some one is just plainly a complete **** ****ing ****-bubble of a ****head but you would quite like to continue being paid by them?

  67. Richard
    Happy

    Sarah Bee

    What are the chances i can get a date with the lovely Sarah Bee?

  68. ImaGnuber

    @Sarah Bee aka Domina... err Moderatrix

    Your failure to respond to my question regarding the meaning of the acronym 'VOID' has left me with an empty feeling.

  69. Billy Goat Gruff
    Thumb Up

    @2b||!2b

    Never mind, I licked them. Let me know if you're interested and I'll tell you what they tasted of.

  70. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ Math Campbell

    Your postulation regarding swallow flight is fallacious if air density/pressure is ignored.

  71. Mike Moyle Silver badge

    Dear Moderatrix:

    I am an Illustrator/Graphic Designer and the sole Mac-user in an office full of PCs running predominantly Windows 2000 and XP. Somehow, I have found myself in the position of being the department's Alpha-Geek and having people come to me to solve their computer problems for them, rather than waiting for a call to the MIS HellDesk to be answered. MIS has me explicitly included as an Administrator on a number of the computers here.

    Short of causing someone grievous bodily harm or inducing their computer to start playing a disco remix of "The Song That Never Ends" at threshold-of-pain levels, how do I get them to stop waking me up... uh... that is... stop keeping me from my regular work?

    NB: They DO appear to have enough native cunning (or naiveté) that the sign on my door that says "Beware of the Leopard" doesn't seem to dissuade them. Should I get an actual leopard? If so, how do I get around the fact that this is not a "pet-friendly" workplace?

  72. mike2R
    Go

    Chirpy Breakfast Companion

    Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake?

  73. Feargal Reilly
    Unhappy

    Why hasn't Web 2.0 validated me?

    Why is it that no matter how many online forums I post on, I never get any responses flattering enough to validate my existence? I've tried all sorts of witticisms and pop-culture references, and yet still, at the end of the day, nobody seems to care. I've even pointed out people's grammatical and spelling mistakes, but nobody ever thanks me for it. Is my brilliance is too nuanced and subtle? Do I have to wait for Web the Third, or should I give Twitter a twirl?

    Twanks.

  74. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Chirpy Breakfast Companion

    Heh. It had to happen.

  75. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ Math Campbell

    Oi! Who died and made *you* King!?

  76. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Tuna..

    When fishermen catch dolphin-friendly tuna, how do they know which tuna are being friendly to dolphins?

  77. greenmantle
    Paris Hilton

    @ Capt'n Wotsit

    To pre-empt Moderatrix:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So, which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God'..

    Paris, because she looks like Teresa...

  78. Ferry Boat

    Please help

    What's better; Windows or Linux?

  79. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    @ Sarah...

    I tried staring into the void whilst standing briefly at the coffee counter this morning but all I could visualise was a picture of Sarah Beenys breasts.

    I might add though that by my vacant expression, I was accused of taking the piss out of the Polish counter staff.

    Paris - because she is no Sarah Beeny.

  80. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @mike2R

    "Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake?"

    Wrong question. It should be :

    Given that God doesn't exist, and that the universe very, very, very big but not infinite, what's the difference between a crumpet and a pikelet?

  81. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Yo-yo

    Why does my body weight fluctuate by around 7-8 pounds a week. It has an upper and a lower bound which I've stayed in between for years but it moves between one and the other in a matter of a couple of days. What's up? Am I ill? I'm sure it' not dehydration. I don't drink alcohol and I eat a healthy diet.

    Thank you.

  82. Gordon Matson
    Thumb Up

    just a few

    1) How can I convince myself that the need for shiny gadgets does not override the need to eat?

    2) even after showering, shaving and adopting contacts rather than my joe 90's i'm still not getting any. should I actually try talking to a woman or is that taking it too far?

    3) is the ability to feel smug in most sciency / techy conversations really worth the crushing social inadequacy?

    4) trek or wars?

  83. Harvey Trowell
    Boffin

    The Salady Lingers On

    Dear Moderatrix,

    As you will be aware, Marks and Spencers offer an Italian Salad which comes complete with three sachets in the tub; pine nuts, parmesan shavings, and a pesto dressing. I never know whether I should add the pine nuts before or after the dressing to maximise my eating satisfaction, although I am fairly happy with the idea that the parmesan should be scattered on last, immediately prior to consumption. On more than one occasion I have spent so long trying to decide, that by the time I get to eating, the salad leaves are no longer crispy. I’m sure you’re experienced in this sort of thing, so what would you do with the nuts to address my limp rocket problem?

    Thanks in anticipation,

    HT

  84. Chris G Silver badge

    Uummm

    Could you lend me twenty quid till the end of the month?

  85. ImaGnuber

    Stupid Me

    "Tomorrow, our famed comments Moderatrix will provide strict guidance for those of you struggling to cope."

    Passed right by that. When I read your VOID comment I got excited at the prospect of an answer and failure to note above statement resulted in expression of disappontment when answer did not arrive forthwith.

    My head, previously only filled with the VOID now possesses a trace of hope.

    Would it be presumptuous of me to call you 'trix?

  86. James King
    Boffin

    I was actually asked this yesterday...

    In the eyes of a 2 year old child a sheep could be described as a cloud if the child had never encounted a sheep before, what could the child describe a cow as??

    Had me stumped for a day, but that is just me....

  87. Mike Groombridge
    Heart

    dilbert and caffeine

    why does my work place feels more like a dilbert comic strip everyday?

    why does everybody i know work in IT or teach?

    and most importantly am i drinking to little caffeine ? i have about 20 cups of tea a week and 10 to 15 coffee's plus a minimum of 500ml of coke a day. as an sysems engineer i some times wonder if this is to little as i know we IT engineers(like jurno's) are supposed to live on the stuff. any suggests about upping or lowering my in take ?

    heart cause this stuffs got to be bad for it.

  88. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Yo-yo

    What's the point of having your healthy and boring life. Get drunk. Get lardy food. Get women! But take a shower first.

    But please, stop whining.

    Crap, what am I doing here? It's pub-o'clock already!

    EAfH

  89. Steven Pepperell
    Happy

    @Chirpy Breakfast Companion

    'no'

    'ah, so your a waffle man!!!'

  90. Kevin Dwyer
    Happy

    @Yo-Yo

    If you are not dehydrating It doesn't

    Or you are an " Proper " runner banging out 140+ miles per week in training

    Or your scales are buggered

  91. MooToTheMax

    Very simple

    This has been troubling me for quite some time, and I fear that the question may haunt me until my dying days:

    Which animal is better: Friesian cows or English badgers?

    Your help would be most appreciated.

  92. Pierre Silver badge

    @Yo-yoing AC

    Gravity fluctuations due to solar flares. That, or you should stop eating bowling balls for dessert (I know, they're yummy, but still). Also, stop looking at your scale every couple of days.

  93. Greg

    I've run out of drive screws

    And I'm building an old machine out of spare parts so I can play Messiah and Future Shock. Rather than waiting a few days to be able to play my games, should I instead use what I've discovered to be the world's greatest adhesive - a combination of laminate plastic and female sweat.

    Also, should I reveal exactly *how* I discovered the world's greatest adhesive?

  94. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    My cat is a perv.

    Sometimes my cat stares at me when I'm, you know, exercising my wrist. Am I traumatizing him? I make a point of not watching him while he's humping the throw pillows but sometimes I get the feeling he wants me to- it's creepy. Anyways, what do you think? New cat?

  95. Andraž Levstik

    Here's a simple one...

    How can I get 8 hours of sleep per day, wake up refreshed and on time whin I go to bed at 2300 or later and need to get up at 0600 and the alarm has serious issues a on getting any other response than a hit with whatevere is available...

  96. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Unhappy

    A java related question

    Since I'm the only guy at work who understands Java, why does the rest of the engineering staff lock me in a corner and refuse to let me out to meet customers?

    PS I have showered..... once

  97. b166er

    What I really wanna know is

    If I ask 10 women to show me their jubs, what will be the slap/exposure/slap+exposure ratio? And which category would you fall into?

  98. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shower Fraud

    That bit about having a shower is a complete and utter waste of time. I've told all kinds of women that I own a shower and not one of them has gone to bed with me.

  99. Alan Donaly
    Joke

    @Michael_t

    I would agree with your list except the last one. I defy you to show me a real troll in these comments. Those who would in ordinary venues be considered trolls are here celebrities and are not terribly effective (amanfromMars, Webster Phreaky, Andrew).The articles stir the s**t we just have to react and vitriol flows.

  100. Scott Priest
    Alert

    This One Keeps Me Up At Night...

    What do lemmings know that we don't?

  101. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Anon with IT Angle in his Pocket.

    How do I turn my vast and mostly useless knowledge of current and legacy computing systems into a valid business case for getting women to find me irresistable?

    Is your moderatrix really a 45 year old man living in his moms basement with an uncanning knowledge of the finder points of warhammer?

    Is that an IT angle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

    Should I buy the current generation of the EEE, or always wait for the next model until I am too old to remember why I wanted a Banana in the first place?

    How can I finish my quest of correcting everyone who are wrong on the internet?

    Did you ever own one of the more flattering models of the C64, and if so, could you post any pictures of it? (e.g. C64 or GTFO)

    Anon, because my future employers will probably know how to google.

  102. Robert Moore
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton

    I just don't get it.

    Why do other men find her attractive? I find her repulsive. Is it her money?

  103. John PM Chappell
    Heart

    Something

    I just wish to add my own comment to the general surge of admiration for Sarah ;¬)

    This probably counts as "Me Too" in the nascent classification system.

  104. TheThing
    Thumb Up

    Politics

    So who's the biggest bunch of arseholes... the government of Burma or Zimbabwe?

  105. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dear Moderatrix

    How do I get this ubuntu off my shoe?

  106. Haku
    Boffin

    If a man speaks in a forest and there's no woman there to hear him

    is he still wrong?

  107. RKP
    Stop

    Fantasies of Moderatrix

    How and why do so many of us dream of the lovely Moderatrix when we've scarce seen a picture of her? Her wit does surely show a lass with some degree of intellect, perhaps we are all just lust-hounds for an educated girl?

    Where's the picture? WE WANT PICTURES!!!! >>> Please.

  108. E_Nigma
    Flame

    Here's a Real One

    I've got my first job interview tomorrow, what do I do?

  109. Dale Richards
    Heart

    Hello, Sarah Bee!

    Must admit, I'm a big fan of your work!

    As I understand it, you were in Shaun of the Dead. Could you tell us which bit, so I can point at the screen and shout, "THAT'S SARAH BEE!"? Thanks!

  110. Fresher

    Yo-yo

    More information might help.

    When I lwoke up 7 am today I weighed 13 stone 8 pounds.

    Intput/output diary:

    7:01 am peepee. volume: 15 seconds worth.

    7:15 am approx. 500ml cold water from fridge.

    7:40 am Everybody loves Raymond advert break, ate a pear.

    8:20 am 1 skimmed milk cappuccino (sp.?) and 3 Marlboro lights outside cafe near work.

    9:15 am Pack of M&S chicken and sweetcorn sandwiches (with the healthy eating sunflower on), cup of Earl gray and glass of sparkling water,

    9:19 am Burp.

    10:48 am Poo.

    11:15 am approx 250 ml cold water.

    12:00 pm Miso soup and tuna & salmon junior from Itsu.

    12:45 pm approx 250ml room temperature water.

    2:19 pm Columbian coffee machine coffee.

    2:39 pm Peepee.

    2:42 pm Marlboro light.

    2:51 pm Apple.

    4:47 pm aprrox. 250 ml cold water.

    5:01 pm Marlboro light.

    7.16 pm Peepee.

    7:25 pm Lemon sole fillet x 2, mixture of salad leaves, lots of asparagus, 2x bottles of Becks alcohol-free.

    7:48 pm Peepee.

    8:19 pm Cornetto.

    8:43 pm Ejaculation.

    9:11 pm cup of chamomile (sp.?) tea.

    Now I weigh 13 stone 3 pounds.

  111. Peter Gold badge
    Joke

    According to Shoe (the cartoon)..

    .. I already have the answer to "what is a good name for a sushi bar for lawyers".

    It's Sosumi..

  112. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Dear Moderatrix...

    Please help me, I'm an undervalued software developer and I can’t stop writing pubic void when I should be writing public void. Am I suppressing something, should I learn a language that does not use the pubic keyword?

    Please help,

    Sexually Frustrated.

  113. Beelzeebub

    @yoyo

    You're full of shit some days, and others not...

  114. F Seiler

    bog reading

    Which IEEE or ISO standards can you recommend for my toilet library ?

  115. Steven Raith
    Heart

    Question

    If I have sex with my hoover, will it give birth to a cleaner?

    If not, do you want to come round and tidy my flat instead?

    Hope you can help,

    Regards,

    Steven "What is this shower you speak of? Surely, tis as if man has become god" Raith

    PS: I'm so badly tempted to make some kind of smutty comment about staring into the void, but I do worry that Ms Bees pseudo-S+M connotations would be replaced by plain violence if I did that.

    PPS: I make them ask nicely before I stare into the void. My that's a well aimed hammer Ms Bee *splunch*

  116. Graham Lockley

    Never mind the woodchucks.

    The real question is..

    How many pies can a porpoise poise on purpose if it pleases

    (yes I know it dates me)

  117. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Comments here are pointless, heinous and horrible...

    ...like watching animal liberation front members trying to free infected hamsters from Porton Down.

  118. Jay
    Heart

    My real question:

    I've heard rumor that it is perfectly legal to engage in extra-hour activity in public in France; as long as you don't manage to ... leave anything behind on public property. Is this true?

    And given the accuracy of the average couple in full swing, would falling asleep on a park bench in France make me a whore?

    Mine's the one that sticks.

  119. Guy

    @RKP

    Pictures? You want Pictures?

    Well your obviously either not an avid Reg reader, or have a very poor memory, I believe you'll find some pictures of el Moderatrix in the article on El Reg's 10th Birthday.

    I would include the link, but well, I'm feeling evil, and seeing if you can use the search function properly.

    P.S. Nice glasses El Moderatrix....

  120. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    real question

    when im drink i find java too complicated and girls very attractive

    when im sober i find java very interesting and girls very unattractive

    i can understand the java thing, but why are girls so unattractive when im sober?

  121. b166er

    Pervy cat

    ROFLCOPTERS

    Ms. BEE, have you seen Touching the Void?

  122. John PM Chappell
    IT Angle

    Lust-hound for an educated girl..

    .. yup! That's me. Why else would I be signed up to Guardian SoulMates, eh? LOL

    ;¬)

  123. RKP
    Flame

    Oh no there are photos

    Be afraid guys...

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/04/18/el_reg_birthday/

    She looks mean :-0

  124. shay mclachlan

    OK a big one

    Been bugging me for years this. Was the answer really 42?

  125. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Good morning - It's Groundhog Day !

    Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.

    Can we have a clear classification system for posters?

    The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.

    The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!

    The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure

    The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.

    The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position

    There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments

    :o)

  126. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    Problem

    I have this girl I really like, it's going really well.

    I've just got a problem. I haven't told her my dirty secret.

    I'm, I'm, (swallow), an IT Manager.

    I desperately love her, but I'm scared if I tell her my dirty secret she'll leave me for a "graphic artist" or some other tosser.

    On the other hand, I'm scared she'll ask me one day to fix her computer, and find out my dirty secret anyway.

    How do I approach this subject?

  127. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    the Usenet Oracle has pondered your question:

    "Are puppies crunchier than kittens?"

    The Oracle answers: Ewwww!

  128. Graham Marsden
    Happy

    "Strict Guidance"?!

    Sounds like a business opportunity!

    If you need any (ahem!) "equipment" to ensure the guidance is strict...!

  129. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have a problem...

    I live in Seattle (no, that's not the problem).

    Several years ago, I was about to attend a relative's funeral, when the phone rang. It was my boss, at the plant hire company where I worked. He asked me to call in on their biggest client (a well known softare company), and check on a reported Aulacosternum Nigrorubrum infestation attacking the bonsai in the boardroom.

    As it happened, they were interviewing candidates for a senior position that day, and mistook me for someone who, as I later discovered, was tragically killed in an electric toothbrush accident that same morning. The upshot is that I found myself being interviewed, and my observations on plant care were misconstrued as an insightful metaphor on maintaining bug free software.

    So far I have been able to fake it, but now that a major release has taken place, my position as head of Product Testing is being threatened by some perceived inadequacies in the software.

    What should I do?

  130. Jonathan Richards
    Happy

    What the dickens...

    ...am I doing reading this nonsense at nearly four in the morning?

    I shall now retire, and wonder why so few Reg readers have real life problems that they are keen to share with a community of smutty, showerless and very occasionally witty people, few of whom know the function of the shift key, and who may indeed only have three fingers, given that they can't reach far enough left to find the apostrophe.

    Good morning :)

  131. Bruce

    Into the VOID

    By Sarah Bee

    "Come on, folks. Dig deeper. Stare into the void.

    Into the VOID."

    I looked up VOID and it the all knowing Interweb said...

    –noun

    8. an empty space; emptiness: He disappeared into the void.

    9. something experienced as a loss or privation: His death left a great void in her life.

    10. a gap or opening, as in a wall.

    11. a vacancy; vacuum.

    Does this mean that The Register is a vacuum, vacant or an opening?

    If so, are we wasting time here and should I just stick to my slashdot overlords?

    Are we able to ask more than one question?

    If not, how will we know, as it's not the first one I asked?

    Lastly, I think I have some Ubuntu on my shoe, it tastes a bit nutty. :S

  132. Maty
    Coat

    I didn't respond yesterday ...

    Because I was flying across the international date line from Los Angeles to Sydney. I went straight from the 14th to the 16th. Where was I on the 15th?

    Mine's the coat with ... er, its just not there right now.

  133. Spider

    self restraint needed

    Just how in the name of Dawkins can i stop my primal urges to choke the living sh1t out of stupid people?

    Quick! they're coming to ask me questions again.. must .. not... reach... for .. gloves...

    too late.

  134. michael

    and

    how can I make enought time to read all the el-reg articles and play world of warcraft and install linix and also do my job

  135. michael

    wy does evrey body critizie my spellng?

    and how do I gte thme to stpo?

  136. michael

    re:Re: Chirpy Breakfast Companion

    the next question is

    "what the hell are you going to do about it"

  137. michael

    is there threpory

    for comment thred addiction??

  138. Stew Wilson

    The Rules

    Every male knows the One Rule of the Gents:

    Thou Shalt Not Speak To Another Man While You Both Are In The Bog.

    For this is true and right and good. Most of the people I know who were brought up in civilized society, and even some Americans, know the rule.

    A co worker doesn't. Upon seeing me engaged in the favoured pass-time of Dr. James Riddle he had the bare-faced cheek to address me by name! I didn't answer, but my observance of the rules didn't enlighten him. He continued, delving into some horribly boring technical support problem. I finished and brushed past the incompetent in a hurry to exit (men aware of the rules know better than to wash their hands), and he *carried on speaking*.

    So, my question is thus: Just what revenge should I take for this gross breach of human decency?

  139. Sam

    Question

    Why is there only one monopolies commission?

  140. Chris Taylor

    One of lifes big questions

    Does tea cool at a linear rate ?

    I mean - in the pre and post milk phase ?

    will my tea cool quicker without milk or once the cooling effect of the milk itself is removed from the equation will it cool quicker from that lower tempreture ?

    I really need to know

  141. Tim99 Silver badge
    Boffin

    @One of lifes big questions

    Chris,

    Liquids cool more quickly the hotter they are compared with their surroundings. So, for maximum cooling wait a few minutes then add the milk.

    However, you are probably one of the iconoclasts who make tea with a tea-bag in a cup - Do yourself a favour and invest in a teapot. Making your tea in a cup will make it taste terrible. You really should put the milk in the cup first, then add the brewed tea. This prevents degradation of milk proteins which is liable to occur if milk encounters temperatures above 75°C.

    Ref: http://www.rsc.org/pdf/pressoffice/2003/tea.pdf

  142. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Why does my nose run and my feet smell?

    Why does my nose run and my feet smell?

    Just wondered as it seems perverse.

  143. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Jonathan Richards - Shift keys.

    >few of whom know the function of the shift key

    nO, i StIlL dOn'T gET It.

    wHAt CoULd It bE FOr?

  144. Sam

    and sixthly

    What genius launched a comment magnet like this article on a day when Sarah is just waiting for pub o'clock?

  145. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: and sixthly

    Truly it's a hard life, Sam.

    Thanks all for these. Answers soon. Stop chewing on your nails, it is unsightly.

  146. Steven Raith
    Paris Hilton

    Another question for the inimitable Ms Bee

    I have a very good lady friend in the US who is very much into me. I have lady friends who are very into me on this side of the Atlantic, but they are all quite unavailable.

    Should I blow my VAT money on a ticket to the US, and shag her in ways which, should they be recorded, would now probably get a UK based viewer arrested?

    Or should I continue on with the UK slog and carry on having half a dozen married women swear that they haven't got a clue as to why I am single?

    Go on, lets hear your opinion on that one, m'dear!

    Paris - because her video antics should be illegal too.

    Steven R

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