back to article Wombat rape ordeal turns NZ man Australian

A NZ man who rang emergency services claiming he'd been left speaking Australian as a result of rape by a wombat has been sentenced to 75 hours' community service, stuff.co.nz reports. Nelson District Court heard earlier this week how on the afternoon of 11 February, 48-year-old orchard worker Arthur Ross Cradock initially …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    crazy

    could only happen in ameri.. no, hang on, now i'm confused

  2. GrahamT
    Coat

    Wombatting for the other side

    For a Kiwi to be left speaking Strine must be the worst thing that could happen to him. He should sue the Wombat for every penny it has.

    The rest of the world still wouldn't be able to hear the difference though.

    (ducks rapidly approaching ANZAC flames.)

  3. Aram

    I'm not making it up

    > Cradock was subsequently charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose"

    How is this is an offence?

    When I first read the title I was wondering if the NZ man was seeking asylum in Oz.

  4. Slaine
    Alien

    prevent this story falling into the hands of the Friday Bootnotes department

    Lester Haines, you REALLY must get out more.

  5. Scott
    Go

    What a bum!

    I hope the wombat didn't suffer any injuries in this needless tragedy.

  6. bob_blah
    Coat

    Why would you not want this published?

    Another proud day for NZ's judicial system, where an innocent man who is obviously traumatised having been violated by a ferocious creature is persecuted by the State for having the audacity to speak in a civilised accent.

    Mine's the one with the big aussie fag on the back.

  7. jai

    @ bob_blah

    i assume you meant flag?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    How is it an offence?

    >> Cradock was subsequently charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose"

    >How is this is an offence?

    This law dates from the days when there were only 5 phones in NZ, and they were on a party line (the 1980's). The PM got mighty stroppy if you were on the line when he wanted to have a heart-to heart with Maggie.

  9. bothwell

    @Aram

    > Cradock was subsequently charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose"

    How is this is an offence?

    I would imagine that the "rang emergency services" part of the act was the offence rather than making stuff up per se.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    A whole new historical perspective

    This probably explains how all those English-speaking convicts came to speak Australian so quickly.

    Did British officials employ wombats for this purpose? Sounds like secret exploitation to me.

  11. Jared Earle
    Coat

    @Aussie Fag

    "Mine's the one with the big aussie fag on the back." Um, whuh? Does it make you speak strine?

    Having spent an afternoon with a NZ web dev, I can confirm the easiest way of telling them apart is in NZ they say "World Wide Wib" and in Oz, they say "World Wide Web".

    Yeah, I know.

  12. TeeCee Gold badge

    @bob-blah

    "....big aussie fag...."

    Isn't that in contravention of Rule 1 (and 3, and 5, and 7)?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Re:big aussie fag on the back

    Are we talking cigarettes here, or , umm, wombats?

  14. philip
    Pirate

    Are we sure it was a wombat?

    Perhaps it wasn't one after all, but in fact a Hobbit.

    Both are small, hairy and fond of running around waving their sword.

  15. Ian Hunter
    Coat

    @GrahamT

    Surely it should be he'll marSUEpial the wombat for every penny it has?

  16. Richard
    Joke

    @bob_blah

    Is that a typo or are you admitting what many have suspected actually hides behind the Oz macho veneer?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Was it..

    ..banging away like a belt fed wombat?

    Mines the DPM one stained with gun grease....

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    @Anonymous Coward (1)

    You mean NZ has 6 phones now? Wow, that's progress.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    "using a phone for a fictitious purpose".

    How is that even possible? Whatever you're using it for, it becomes a real purpose the minute you're actually doing it. Well I can see why they'd want to stop people doing things like that, the paradox might destroy the entire universe!

    Or does it mean "using a phone as a plot device"? Calling up Sherlock Holmes for a chat?

  20. Cavan
    Coat

    @ TeeCee

    Mind if we call you Bruce?

    Rule 1 ..... No

  21. Matt

    Telling them apart

    Get them to say "66" or "fish and chips". I'm dying with curiosity to find out what a fictitious phone usage is :-)

  22. bob_blah
    Happy

    fricken el key!

    yes, it was a typo.

    but now that you mention it, I was wondering what that boke was doing there a this time.

    surey its pint o'cock!

  23. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: fricken el key!

    If anyone asks bob_blah if those were typos, I will come round and break their computer with an axe.

    I think 'drink a pint o'cock' is the new 'eat a bowl of fuck'.

  24. Eduard Coli

    Wot?

    Had that alf been bit by a berko devil he'd likely be a apple eater by now.

  25. Wile E. Veteran
    Flame

    Ficticious calls

    Most jurisdictions here in the US have similar laws about making "hoax" calls to emergency services. Plus there are the Federal laws about making "hoax" calls using a radio (to the Coast Guard, for example). Hoax (ficticious) calls are no joke - they not only tie up a phone line (that's the least important aspect) but they tie up an emergency operator or watchstander and may result in the dispatch of police, fire or search-and-rescue assets all of which could result in a legitimate emergency not receiving a timely response.

    This guy obviously needs help and should get it -- in prison.

  26. James O'Brien
    Joke

    I think we are all missing the point here

    "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out. Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all.''

    Two key things here.

    1) The wombat pulled out!! Cant sue for child support.

    2) It didnt hurt his bum at all. Cant sue for pain and suffering.

    Of course it does beg to ask. . .did he atleast get a courtesy reach around?

  27. Luther Blissett

    Could have been much worse

    If it had been a pink elephant.

  28. Reid Malenfant
    Thumb Up

    WONDERFUL

    Wombat Rape; priceless - but you already had me with the parallel universe story.

    Well done El Reg, this is what keeps me coming back.

    Now if you could only do something about the relentlessly inane and, oh so boring, OS flame wars .... its like watching paint dry and just about as pointless.

  29. StopthePropaganda
    Joke

    it's not rape

    if the 'victim" consents. I'm sick of all these people changing their story out of regret the morning after. Who suffers, the poor wombat, or sheep-unless it's a bigger animal but that's a horse of a different color.

    *rimshot*

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    It was funny,

    laugh. Honestly some people need to be wombatted to let a little out.

  31. combatwombat
    Paris Hilton

    it wasn't me, I didn't do it, yer honour!

    Honest, it wasn't. Never even been to Nelson.

  32. LaeMi Qian Bronze badge
    Coat

    Six

    Always fun times at highschool getting NX exchange students up at assembly to say "Six is between Five and Seven".

    Now if it had been a sheep and the roles of perp. and victim had been reversed he might have escaped the 'ficticious' bit of the charge.

  33. David

    Quit with the sheep jokes.

    I am from NZ and please quit with the sheep jokes. I am sick of it. Makes me horny when people talk about sheep all time.

  34. Sceptical Bastard

    @ Sarah Bee

    QUOTE: "'drink a pint o'cock' is the new 'eat a bowl of fuck"

    God Sarah, we sad geeks just *love* it when you talk dirty ;)

  35. Jon Tocker

    Cut it out, you lot!

    Being raped by a wombat is no laughing matter and sounding like a bloody Aussie is the worst possible thing that can happen to a Kiwi.

    The other way for Continentals and Europeans to tell the difference between Kiwis and Aussies is to ask them to say "g'day".

    If they sound like they're whining, they're Aussies - and they complain about "whinging Poms". At least the Poms can greet you without it sounding like a complaint.

    @ James O'Brien:

    A wombat give a reach-around? You've gotta be kidding. The little bastards only care about their OWN satisfaction!

    Yep, mine's the coat with the silver fern, kiwi and Southern Cross (with the right number of stars in it) on the back. No wombat claw marks, though...

  36. Tim Bates

    Re: Telling them apart

    Ha ha... That reminds me of when the NZ prime minister was in Australia for some reason, and the Chaser guys went to a press conference and asked some silly questions... Including something like "What's 2+4?"... Which she refused to answer while in Australia.

  37. Davy
    Dead Vulture

    Davyc

    I was in nelson in 1982 and there were no wombats around in those days; you had to make your own entertainment. they are native to OZ but not NZ. how did it get there ?bloody marsupials, comin' over 'ere etc..

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Wombats

    Eats, Roots and Leaves....selfish little buggers!

  39. Daniel Silver badge
    Coat

    @Wombats by AC

    That's "Eats, roots, shoots and leaves"

    Don't bother, I'll get it myself.

  40. Ishkandar

    @David

    Then you should stop eying up all those Welshmen's girlfriends, shouldn't you ??

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