back to article Brown: Jack Bauer spook horde to tackle terrorism

Prime Minister Gordon Brown claimed we are safer than we were a year ago, as he outlined his long-awaited National Security Strategy to Parliament today. Brown reeled off the usual list of potential global threats - pandemics, climate change, water/energy/food shortage, and terror - and appeared to take inspiration from …

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  1. Mike Richards

    We're twice as safe as last year

    But we still need ID cards and a whole lot more repression?

  2. Jamie
    Linux

    Not enough Terrorists to go around.

    Who are the terrorists? Are they people blowing up innocent civilians in Tube Stations, or are they the people who speak out about the gov't, or are they people who download information off the internet.

    As the age old adage goes "One mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter."

    And above all else Bush should realize this as according to todays standards early Americans would have been classified as "Terrorist".

  3. Louis Cowan
    Flame

    safe?

    Safe from what? Neds/chavs? Hrm, no I don't think so. Terrorists? Pfft, more people die shaving

  4. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Alien

    Quintessential Quangos ..... or Curiouser Change AIgencies

    "Mr Brown confirmed today that the UK will shortly have four regional Counter Terrorism Units, just like Jack's LA office - though hopefully less riddled with traitors, leaks etc."

    Would that be for Collecting Third Party Info or Sharing First Party Intelligence and who Supplies Lead Drive or are there Instructions to Follow .... and from Whom?

  5. Beelzeebub
    Flame

    Twice not safe at all is still not safe at all

    'cos it's hot in here....

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They should call it 'Project Lupus'

    They'll do what the US does and make more terrorists to match their budget... what was it nearly a million people on the US watch list now? 1 in 300 are on the USA watch list as suspected terrorists, subjects to all sorts of disadvantages due to being on the Presidents super secret slander list of enemies. No way to see if they're on the list or which of their life hassles result from that smear?

    They should call it project Lupus, does this sound familiar?

    http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/healthday/080214/overabundance-of-immune-cells-might-trigger-lupus.htm

    "Overabundance of Immune Cells Might Trigger Lupus"

    "More than 1.5 million Americans have lupus, a disease in which a hyperactive immune system assaults otherwise healthy organs"

    "Individuals with lupus produce more immune cells that carry too many of the proteins that prevent death. The more immune system cells a patient had, the more severe the disease was."

  7. Wayland Sothcott Bronze badge
    Stop

    Remember the Cones Hotline?

    When you spotted a suspicious traffic cone loitering by the side of a busy motorway, you were to report it on the special confidential cones hotline.

    We are now urged to phone the special Confidential Terrorist Hotline if we see someone who might just be an innocent burglar casing up a joint but who could also be an evil terrorist planning his next suicide bombing. I have memorized the number 0800 789 321 just in case.

    Stop sign because we don't have a traffic cone.

  8. John Macintyre
    Thumb Down

    does this mean

    that now when they fuck up we'll be twice as lucky to not have innocents shot on the underground? Because lets face it, they'll claim to do really well then send all their secure documents in the post again addressed to the taliban or something

    Because of course the country isn't moving into enough debt already that we need to fund another major govt failure...

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    We're Safer?

    Funny i don't feel much different and indeed had no fear of these so called terrorists in the first place.

    I do fear and distrust the government though, as they have recently shown that they really don't give a damn about the common folks opinion because they know they can spin their way out of it and that people have short memories anyway. As long as big business and Neo Cons over the pond are happy they're happy.

    Dead vulture because he said the wrong thing, had the wrong information, thought the wrong thought, or just looked Brazilian :)

  10. Dave

    ARP et al

    Don't forget the Dad's Army aspect of it all.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brown-unveils-civil-defence-network-plan-797990.html?r=RSS

    The "We're all doomed I tell ye!" catchphrase being quite aposite for our freedoms

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Service as normal

    Bill Hicks - You are free to do as we say, You are free to do as we say, You are free to do as we say,

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Beep.....Beep.....Beep

    Previously on 24...........

    Terrorist carry out sneak attack on Royal Mail sorting office and steal 2 cds..............

    Beep Beep Beep

    After the Royal Mail mission the cell carries out attack on DVLA to remove the 3 penelty points they received for driving a SUV into Red Kens fortress of solitude aka London. In the process pick and another CD.

    Beep Beep Beep

    MI5 swings into action and 3 months later decide what to do after calling consultants and dealing with the sudden expose of the entire plans in a News of the World exclusive after spook is found with a prostitute who sells her story.

    Beep Beep Beep

    Trail is stone called on the data thefts, They have no clue where the data is but figure its not a big deal and go back to creating a national ID database which can fit nicely on CD for "security".

    Mine is the one with with the secret tracking unit sewn into the lining.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    We're Safer?

    From what?

    I can't help thinking that if all the money spent on "TWOT" were spent on cleaning up hospitals we'd save a lot more lives; but it doesn't make good TV, Jack Bauer wouldn't look as cool if he went around with a mop and bucket.

  14. Andrew Smith
    Thumb Up

    CTU style computers

    I want the power and access they have at CTU. The ability to see any bank account, almost instant spy satellite coverage, amazing link up and compatability between PDAs phones and computers, instant access to anyones computer, cool graphics and interface and not to mention never using a mouse.

  15. Richard
    Black Helicopters

    There's 3 more horsemen to deal with!

    I find it strange that our Glorious Leader cites the usual war, pestilence, famine and nature as the huge dangers yet only tells us how prepared we are for war albeit with a quick local-councils-will-have-to-deal-with-floods-and-the-like. Oh wait: Is that a military-industrial complex or are you just pleased to see me?

  16. 3x2

    Shake & Bake threats

    <..>There may not be enough terrorists to go round.<..>

    I'm sure some can be found. Can anyone spell PORK?

    Jeez - will someone bring back the Cold War please.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    2000 terrorists

    I've seen this figure of 2000 terrorists based in the UK quite a few times now. Could someone please explain to me how the govt knows there are 2000 but cannot seem to find, arrest and bring any of any of them to trial? Maybe Mr Brown expects to catch them when they apply for their ID cards...or when they are seen on CCTV...or when they drive past an ANPR gantry...or use an Oyster card...or email each other...or meet up on a social networking site and so on.

    We pay for all this spookery too. Phishing gangs could learn quite a bit about extracting money from the gullible just by observing gov.uk for a while.

  18. Damian Gabriel Moran
    Coat

    no you misheard him...

    they are counting terrorist units. "One terrorist, HA HA HA! Two terrorists, HA HA HA! oh is that it? Shall we start again?"

  19. Elmer Phud
    Coat

    Neighbourhood Watch

    Not long before neighbourhood watches are revitalised to keep tabs on suspicious types.

    Or, to paraphrase Noddy Holder "Mama mama mama we're all STASI now".

    Mine's the long black leather one with the wide brimmed hat

  20. Chris
    Gates Horns

    It's the Economy, Stupid!

    Gordon seems to have forgotten Economic warfare - which, lets face it, is exactly what we're on the receiving end of right now (memo to self: must fill-up with petrol on the way home)

    When these spooks chance across a conversation that isn't about how many propane canisters you can fit in a mini but instead, say, how to design a better microprocessor do they just fast forward or do they "share intelligence" with someone?

    SO where in the plan does it say that Gordo is going to help protect the UK's intellectual property from prying eyes?

  21. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Alien

    Grace Brothers, MI5 Here, Which Floor Please? [Although they're probably QuITe HITech Really?]

    "MI5 swings into action and 3 months later decide what to do after calling consultants and dealing with the sudden expose of the entire plans in a News of the World exclusive after spook is found with a prostitute who sells her story."

    The other spooky thing there is the spook being so disappointing to the prostitute. He mustn't be for Real but more a Darned Good Plant.

  22. Spleen

    In completely unrelated news

    Brazilian Foreign Office advises tourists to avoid the London tube.

  23. Turbojerry

    Threats to Great Britain in order

    Near term

    1. gov.uk invading other countries thus starting a war with 1.5 billion people i.e. 1/4 of the human population of the planet, including some with nuclear weapons (Pakistan)

    2. gov.uk saving it's over extended banker buddies thus destroying the value of the currency

    (2 may infact save us from 1 if gov.uk cannot afford any more war, we'd be poor but alive)

    Long term

    1. End of cheap oil and gas / climate change

    2. GM crops transfering genes to weeds creating superweeds that take over available crop land and cause mass starvation.

  24. Luther Blissett

    Not real. Not even surreal.

    Perfectly hyper-real.

    As for the Baron of Spithead - Munchausen's proxy by another name? The Nu Insect Overlards have a sense of humour just as wicked as their agenda - tho obviously not in the same category.

  25. Peter Ingram
    Alert

    Hang on - there is a problem here...

    The hi-tech anti-terrorist team (complete with parachuting amphibious/frogman High Court beak) will be on the verge of carrying out their first ever raid on a major underground cell when suddenly the MPAA lawyers will burst in and sieze everything going - citing breach of copyright...

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    To fully surpress 2000 terrorists

    You would need 20,000 field agents 160,000 support staff and a free fire zone. Since you don't have this Mister Brown is talking out of his *$$ again.

    Mines the green one with ammo pouches.

  27. David
    Paris Hilton

    The number of terrorists...

    To paraphrase Family Guy about the FCC:

    We've received 20 phone calls about suspected terrorists. As you all know, one phone call equals a billion suspected terrorists. That means there are 20 BILLION TERRORISTS IN THE COUNTRY!

    Paris because seeing her naked is a terrorist act in and of itself.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ws of M D

    Why did I read that as "UK's recent inventions in Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo etc"

  29. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Alien

    Freelancers and Intelligence Mercenaries

    "When these spooks chance across a conversation that isn't about how many propane canisters you can fit in a mini but instead, say, how to design a better microprocessor do they just fast forward or do they "share intelligence" with someone?"

    Would they know Microprocessor Design Methodology Chit Chat from Chatter? Now that would be impressive and present them with a Quandary called Willful Entrapment and UNOfficial Business

  30. ian
    Alert

    Safer now?

    This puts me in mind of The Vampire Repellent: I wear a clove of garlick about my neck to repel vampires. It works perfectly as I've never been attacked by one.

  31. trackSuit
    Alien

    You may think that Mattie, I couldn't possibly....

    "They'll do what the US does and make more terrorists to match their budget..."

    And who makes work for Idle Hands, AC?

    Replace the idle hands and insert NeuREAL Careful Hans dDutch AIgent-assigned work tasks and things will Get BETA. [Test IT and C++].

  32. heystoopid
    Paris Hilton

    Well

    Well , according to the ACLU (at this link http://www.aclu.org/privacy/spying/watchlistcounter.html) this many alleged terrorists inhabiting the land of the paranoid unfree and imprisoned due west of Blighty across the Atlantic Ocean exist and the number grows by the hour !

    Back some three centuries ago incompetents like these chicken little wankers , would have either been sent to the far flung colonies in chains to work for a real living or be flogged or locked up in either the workhouses or the insane asylums !

    Sigh , this 21st century is really one where fictional propaganda truly flies high in the face of facts in the real world or is the bankrupt over extended corporate world we live in , in such a desperate need for taxpayer cash to prop up their ailing businesses , it will do anything for the bigger slice of the pie ?

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    2:1 ratio becomes 1:2000 ratio

    Although they may outnumber the actual potential perhaps-someday terrorists two-to-one, they'll be hard pressed to keep up with the huge numbers of false positives (for example, innocents suspiciously sharing the same middle initial as a known target).

  34. Rich
    Go

    Ireland

    had 30,000 security force people for maybe 400 active IRA members - about 80:1. Without being all that effective, really.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    HAVE YOU SEEN

    the adverts in London to grass somebody up for having more than one mobile phone because that means there a terrorist! unfecking believable, cmon people how stupid to they think we are, or are they trying to keep us in fear?

    terrorists my arse!

    aliens coz ive got more chance of seeing them than believing the bullshit form the Man

  36. Paul

    @2000 terrorists

    Never mind fancy stuff like trials. There have only been a couple of dozen Control Orders made. You remember- those things Tony Blair said we desperatley needed to deal with the threat of (at the time I think) around 400 of the buggers.

  37. heystoopid
    Alien

    Just an evil thought !

    Just a very , very evil thought , use a call box every time you see some one in uniform accost any person in the street , or appear to take free food and coffee , or suspicious heavily armed strangers lurking in an alley or side street waving guns in the air , or stopping any motorist on the road side (remember police have full caller ID at all time and you innocently do not know the uniforms they are wearing are not stolen or fakes !) .

    Or else if stopped , just say to them well terrorists are known to use fake police uniforms , do you mind if I use my cell phone to call your station to verify you are who you say you are and are real deal before we proceed and not terrorists whilst smiling very sweetly ! If ten or twenty million motorists say it to them to their face on a daily basis the feed back to the Chief Constable will say the people are so jumpy now they don't even trust us to do the right thing , this campaign is a real turkey !

    Well after all it is very suspicious terrorist like activity , now if the so called hot line is flooded with a zillion phone calls daily complaining about suspicious lurkers who may or may not be real police in real uniforms or not(remember trust no one is the by word for this campaign) ,I would not be unsurprised that the campaign mysteriously gets put on the back burner and all the posters disappear very quickly indeed when the high street plod are snowed under investigating their own sins !

    In this way , one is using their own weapon against them , and all the Chief Constables will say to their underlings when snowed under by all this unwanted investigations or public enquiries into where their own troops are for every little daily job, will with a uniform voice say "This is Nuts , kill it now !" !

    Truly a very evil thought indeed or a very bad joke !

  38. Aditya Krishnan

    @Turbojerry

    Since when did Pakistan have a population of 1.5 billion? Have you looked at a map recently? 1.5 billion in that amount of space? Perhaps you've confused it with India. In which case there's not much chance of us going to war innit?

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    re Not enough Terrorists to go around.

    Ah, but you are forgetting that terrorists are terrorists 24x7*, while police are only police 8x5 less vacation, holidays, sick leave, and the like... On a terrorist-hour basis, the 'good' guys are heavily outnumbered.

    NOT the heavy leather one please, I'm getting on the Tube today...

    * Yeah, I know they sleep but if you don't know exactly when....

  40. John Parker
    Alien

    mars man related...

    By trackSuit:

    You may think that Mattie, I couldn't possibly....

    "Replace the idle hands and insert NeuREAL Careful Hans dDutch AIgent-assigned work tasks and things will Get BETA. [Test IT and C++]."

    Have we got amanfrommars copycat on our hands? Or has amfm changed his name?

  41. trackSuit
    Alien

    W.R.T. John Parker

    Similarity and congruency, that's the Question / Difference, John. If you Care enough 42 Wonder, you will soon find the Answer[s] to IT.

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