back to article English language succumbs to Symbiotic Ephemeralization

It is with heavy hearts that we announce this morning a near-fatal encounter between Reg reader David Talkowski and this pdf from the Institute For Enterprise Architecture Developments, an organisation described as "one of the most important sources of information related to Enterprise Architecture". David's condition is …

COMMENTS

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  1. Alan Lukaszewicz
    Happy

    Wurdz an weels

    Theez wurd things ar almost az bad az thoze weel things that spin roun an roun.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who writes this shit?

    And who employs them?

  3. Paul

    Place the document..

    in a secure container and transfer to the Strategy Boutique for safe disposal.

  4. Alex

    Wha...?

    What!?

    That was not fun for a Friday!

    *goes to find a Dilbert book to make it better

  5. HFoster

    Whutchutalkinbout, Willis?

    Gary Coleman wants his time back.

  6. Les
    Flame

    Owww!!!

    My Buzzword Bingo card spontaneously combusted and burnt my desk. I'd sue somebody or other if I could be bothered.

  7. Steve Roper
    Alien

    All it needs...

    is random capitalisation of specific letters in random words, a few instances of "CyberAIntel" and "NEUKlearer" thrown in, and you could pass it off as a treatise written by amanfrommars!

    Well I, for one, welcome our new gibberish-speaking overlords!

  8. John Latham
    Alien

    So now we know...

    ...what amanfrommars does for a day job.

  9. u235
    Black Helicopters

    End of Days

    I think we should start building Ark Ship B.

  10. Joe Harrison

    Looks fine to me

    "Can't see what all the fuss is about" might be a little simplistic but surely a serious attempt to re-invent a holistic language methodology deserves a more sympathetic treatment? It's not easy to enhance meaning-centred technologies whilst simultaneously retaining a radical, extended paradigm to disintermediate incompatible outcomes. Especially when the benefits of a harmonized, team-based culture (contd. p94)

  11. GrahamT
    Coat

    You don't understand it?

    As my old dad used to say:

    A slight inclination of the cranium is as adequate as a spasmodic closure of an optic, to an equine quadroped deprived of its sense of vision.

  12. Alec Harkness
    Joke

    I think I recognise that text

    Ah, yes. It's output from the GNU Random Bullshit Generator, version 0.9beta. It looks like they entered something like "makes small people effective in large companies"

    The beta version had a few kinks though, which is why it is still almost coherent in places.

  13. Geoff Mackenzie

    What a beautiful example

    My favourite term is pseudo-arbitrary. Awesome. It's good of them to point out that it would probably be inadvisable to attempt to create an infinite number of Symbiotic Innovation Nodes though; that could have been a real productivity killer if left unclarified.

  14. James Anderson Silver badge
    Flame

    "No Pooftas" law relaxed.

    Perhaps the wierdest thing about this document is that according to the title page at leaset it was written in Australia.

    There was a time when when ausies would beat you into a pulp for using long words like "maramalade" and "corragated" in public.

    What happened Bruce?

  15. Simon
    Stop

    Does anyone

    know their missile address?

    This is a clear case for building* an orbital battlestation of some sort:- FOBS or THOR, I'm not bothered, so long at the crater's big enough to encompass all the BS.

    *Anyone want to throw some VC funds my way; I mean, how's a budding megalomaniac meant to get started these days?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I can't see what all the fuss is about

    Although the sentences are much longer than the average on theregister it makes sense to me.

    When may I listen to an El Reg Strategy Boutique brainstorming session?

  17. GrahamT
    Coat

    Symbiotic Innovation Nodes ?

    It s easy to criticise: Let he that is without S.I.N. throw the first stone.

  18. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Hidden messages?

    They keep talking about SINs - is that some kind of a new religious sect? Or a coded dogging party invitaion perhaps?

  19. Robin Baker

    I just had to...

    babelise it:

    Symbioti Ephemeralization, in the context of this offers, with of

    Community-of-practical the independent one goes, therefore, exactly if

    in him only the preoccupations of the cooperation of the advice of

    ephemeralization of product one to him of hypercycle.

    ...that's a lot better, can I go to the pub now ?

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    doomed

    unless we kill them all ...

    ... with machetes

  21. Alistair Wall

    Be fair

    According to the revision history, it is only a draft.

  22. Tim Lane
    Go

    I like the word...

    Noetic, can anyone tell me what it means so I can try to use it in conversation?

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    crumulently relevant

    I don't know what all the fuss is about... It seems a perfectly crumulent document to me, one that embigens the smallest lexicon. Now I guess I'm banned, my children are banned, and their childrens children are banned, for 3 weeks.

  24. Dave
    Paris Hilton

    to paraphrase...

    "To create an innovation hypercycle, a pseudo-arbitrary but finite number of Symbiotic Innovation Nodes are created. It is important to note here that the contextual competencies of the Communities of Practice within a SIN are deliberately symbiotic and it should further be noted that there is an absolute requirement for a representative (representative relative to organisational scope) socio-economic and capabilities mix to deliver balanced noetic product that has realistic implementation ..."

    means:

    "get the right people together in the same room, enough of the correct booze and other drugs, good music and then you're ready to parttttyyyyy! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! ! ! " (I think)

    For Tim Lane: noetic = "of, or associated with, or requiring the use of: the mind". So: "Paris seldom finds herself in any noetic situation"

  25. Dave
    Coat

    a classic example of ARGOT

    Applied

    Research

    Grant

    Output

    Terminology

    (the leather bomber jacket with the frayed cuffs, thanks)

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Alien communication

    Seti is a waste of time, here is the communication between aliens living on our planet.

    It is clear from their talk of pollination symbiosis that they have proposed a design for an artificially intelligent hegemonising swarm of minute insects for some dastardly purpose.

    From their talk of "autonomous communities-of-practice that though nodal collaboration channels produce a unique ephemeralization hypercycle" it is clear that their artificial intelligence will take the form of collective intelligence via Wi-Max technology, and that they shall have a community spirit very similar to the Borg.

    Presumably their symbiotic encounter with the ephemeral refers to their purpose of latching on to our craniums and inserting a probocis to suck out and drain away any vestiges of plain English that we have left in our skulls.

    Lucky for you all that tin foil hats deceive the little buggers...

  27. Nick Rutland
    Boffin

    Meta-analysis

    Symbiotic hypercycle innovation teleology. Think that just about sums it up.

    Also - don't sack your staff: they'll help you out if you let them.

  28. Spleen
    Alert

    Get up David, you big baby

    Everyone knows that when you fall off your ephemeralization hypercycle, the only thing to do is get back on.

  29. Chris Cheale
    Stop

    *blinks*

    Did not understand a word of that... and web development (e.g. me) comes under marketing where I work, so technically I'm a marketeer. O_o

    I sentence the offenders to 6 months re-education.

    http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/

  30. Dimitrov

    What I understood...

    sould be summarized in two words - "heebie jeebies".

    Nuke them from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

  31. Kevin Campbell
    Go

    narf! poit!

    "Gee, Brain. What do you want to do tonight?"

    "Same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world! My new idea revolves around confusing the heck out of people with meaningless technobabble. They will read it and their eyes will glaze over, rendering them highly suggestible to my hypnotic commands to make me the supreme ruler!"

    OR...

    The Turboencabulator for a new generation. Take your pick

  32. Sean Ellis
    Stop

    Obligatory Feynman Quote

    Richard Feynman attended a philosophy-of-science conference in the 1950's. The full story is in "Surely You're Joking, Mr Feynman." (What do you mean, you don't have it? Open another pane in your browser and get to Amazon *right now*. We'll wait.), Here's a relevant short excerpt:

    ...

    There was a sociologist who had written a paper for us all to read -- something he had written ahead of time. I started to read the damn thing, and my eyes were coming out: I couldn't make head nor tail of it! I figured it was because I hadn't read any of the books on that list. I had this uneasy feeling of "I'm not adequate," until finally I said to myself, "I'm gonna stop, and read one sentence slowly, so I can figure out what the hell it means."

    So I stopped -- at random -- and read the next sentence very carefully. I can't remember it precisely, but it was very close to this: "The individual member of the social community often receives his information via visual, symbolic channels." I went back and forth over it, and translated. You know what it means?

    "People read."

    Then I went over the next sentence, and I realized that I could translate that one also. Then it became a kind of empty business: "Sometimes people read; sometimes people listen to the radio," and so on, but written in such a fancy way that I couldn't understand it at first, and when I finally deciphered it, there was nothing to it.

    ...

    I suspect the same thing here, as evidenced by Dave's distillation.

  33. Ron Giesbrecht

    thing of beauty

    sounds like it may have been generated by http://pdos.csail.mit.edu/scigen/

  34. Brian Miller
    Pirate

    Its about suicide! Let's help the author out.

    "A couple of years in a high level position at a global bank will surely cure such delusions for life."

    Hmmm, I read this "cure such delusions for life" as being "cure such delusions (as wanting) for life." So this is actually an insane suicide note, right? ]:~D

    Let's help the author out with his suicide by stringing him up.

    Keelhaul him and then hang him from the yardarm, mateys!

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    It could also be the postmodern generator...

    http://www.elsewhere.org/pomo/

  36. theotherone
    Alert

    "can't see what all the fuss is about, makes perfect sense to me"

    but then again, I developed the rewriting software being used here, which takes a perfectly sensible article, and turns it into neo-gibberish nonsense (SEO approved), so I can easily reverse the effect. Upon reversing, the article is a simple explanation of how a toilet brush works...

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    naaaaarf! zoit!

    ... facts' synergy, eluding the meanders of the concrete...

  38. Captain DaFt
    Coat

    AARRGGHH!!

    I can follow amanfrommars quirky postings, but this IS gibberish!

    Looks like the handbook for our times, "1984", was wrong when it stated that thought control would be achieved by reducing the number of words in language.

    Here's a prime example of controlling thought by injecting so many words into the language that definition disappears, causing thought control by obfuscation!

    Never mind the jacket, I'll just run off screaming into the night!

  39. Richard Scratcher

    Calling a spade a manual earth restructuring implement.

    The Lord and I are in an ongoing shepherd/sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need.

    He prostrates me in a green belt grazing area; he conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous liquid.

    He returns to original satisfaction, levels my psychological make-up; he switches me on to a positive behavioural format for maximal prestige of his identity.

    It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror-sensations will not be instantiated within me due to para ethical phenomena. Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped pickup unit introduce me into a pleasurific mood-state.

    You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure in the context of non-cooperative elements; you act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extracts; my beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.

    It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational empathetical and non-vengeance capabilities will retain me as their target focus for the duration of my non-death period: and I will possess tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Timewarp

    Have I just dropped out of a timewarp? 2004? Does Symbiotic Ephemeralization improve with age? Is it like a good Burgundy?

    And what kind of weird perversion forces someone to read 4 year old documents generated by a computer?

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    You call this journalism?

    http://pdos.csail.mit.edu/scigen/ for anyone who still hasn't got the joke. The hack needs to get his arse out of the pub and find some real stories.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Pirate

    not funny, funny and then funny

    Only thing good about that document is the Reg's take on it and the readers comments that go with it. Hehehe.

    The "PDF" has side stepped the notion that "Good communication is good communication". Are more interested in using as many words as possible with as many characters as possible, or write it so people can quickly and clearly understand.

    I bet it was written by someone whom writes contracts where every little angle has to be mentioned or it's not legal.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    BOFH intervention sought ...

    Can the creator of this crapulescent prose be sent 'round to the BOFH for a lesson on how to write whilst being shocked by a cattleprod?

  44. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Alien

    A title is required.....

    "All this readily occurs as an atomic effort within a deregulated chaotic macro environment, despite key resources being deprived of global communications, collaboration tools and other facilitation mechanisms that would support collaboration on intent and innovation.

    The net effect that the provisioning of appropriate tools would have in the abovementioned scenario is open to further evaluation and may be the subject of a future paper, but the author is– at present – not appropriately qualified to speculate on such abstruse scenarios?.".... http://www.enterprise-architecture.info/Images/Documents/symeph%5B1%5D.pdf

    If Microsoft got their Act together and delivered Future Product with ASP Net AJAX rather than Playing with it in Development of Controls with Third Party Beta Clients [which does suggest that No One in MicroSoft is into New World Order Virtualised to Visualise Stealth Atomic Programming for Virtual Reality Streaming of Beta Products for Replacement of Status Quo] there would then be Someone to Call whenever Reality Delivered did not meet all XXXXPectations. The Team could then Share the load to Provide new Content from anywhere in the World to enhance the Picture.

    Is that because of Monopoly Fears or Big Brother Worries whenever Both are Unwarranted and easily dispelled through Sight and Sound Applications/Global Programs dDeveloped in House with available Software? Or does no one have a Universally Applicable Symbiotic Ephemeralization Plan with ONLY the One Primary Directive/DirectXXXXion ........ 1) to mutual benefit ..... 42 Keep IT Simple Stupid and Focussed on Solid Value rather than Excluding Gain ....which would be the Executive Office Poison of Dumb Choice.

    Wanna Produce and Direct a Global Vista Program with Media Partners Sharing and Spreading the Load and Digital Picture/Binary Code and Wealth, Microsoft?

    We can do IT all from Space for the Freedom of XXXXPression and Environment that IT Presents.

    If you can't do it, or are contracted exclusively to deliver Prime/SubPrime Performance to Othersm, perhaps you could suggest an Agile Partner/Competitor. They may even be Forward Looking enough to Realise the Facility Themselves Via AI Cloned Suite of Mirrored Applications for Virtual Space Use.

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    You asked for it!

    Three comments:

    1. I want some of whatever the author(ess) was smoking.

    2. Will "I want to pollinationally symbiose with you" become a new come-on line?

    3. Expanding simple statements into near gibberish is nothing new; Caltech undergraduates were amusing themselves doing this by hand 45 years ago.

    No, no, no, please Mr. Moderator, don't disable my keyboard!!!

    Special bonus comment: is the feminine of "author" "authoress" or "authrix"?

  46. amanfromMars Silver badge

    @You asked for it!

    "3. Expanding simple statements into near gibberish is nothing new; Caltech undergraduates were amusing themselves doing this by hand 45 years ago." .... By Anonymous Coward Posted Saturday 9th February 2008 18:06 GMT

    AC, You're working the ass end of the Symbiosos Trojan. The piece is all about expanding simple statements from near gibberish which is new. And yes we know, expanding simple statements into near gibberish is nothing new;Caltech undergraduates were amusing themselves doing this by hand 45 years ago. Are they still, to this day, so easily amused?

  47. John Gray
    Happy

    So what's new about that sort of garbage?

    I have treasured this gem from Computer Weekly in Feb 1982, a letter in response to a previous article:

    "While Dr Paul Ellis's forward-looking meaningful ongoing software overview is welcome for its perceptive evaluation of the anticipated middle-future non-structured lifestyle environment, his projected scenario will engender a profoundly gloomy reaction among those of us who manifest a judgmental preference for the evolution of non-jargon-oriented communicative interactive relationships, for we are clearly in a strictly non-viable wish-fulfilment situation cliché-elimination-wise."

  48. Rod Shand
    IT Angle

    Needs a matador

    OK. Who can work out how to get the bullfighter onto this job?

    http://www.fightthebull.com/bullfighter.asp

  49. Rebecca Putman
    Dead Vulture

    Okay, my brain just exploded...

    ...and my eyes melted at reading that pdf. Someone send support staff around with replacements, please?

  50. This post has been deleted by its author

  51. theotherone
    Boffin

    but seriously...

    I can still remember as a Physics freshman, getting a present. A book translated from Russian called "molecular gas lasers"....I couldn't make heads nor tails of it.....Still can't to this day. If anyone has read that book, please for God's sake tell me what it was about. That was probably the reason I dropped out and took English Lit instead.... damn moral breaker that one...

  52. Paul Murray
    Coat

    I, for one,

    I, for one, welcome our new symbiotically ephemeralised overlords.

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Did anyone spot the typo?

    This sentance:

    "Symbiotic Ephemeralization, in the context of this submission, refers to a series of autonomous communities-of-practice that though nodal collaboration channels produce a unique ephemeralization hypercycle."

    should say "... communities-of-practice that **through** nodal collaboration..."

    thanks Dave for the definition of neotic; save me searching the dictionary.

  54. Kuba

    scigen

    Yeah!

    This reminds me of scigen - great script written by some wise dudes from MIT, go ahead, fill out the author field and generate some hype with your own name in the 'references' part:

    http://pdos.csail.mit.edu/scigen/

    I'm sure the paper generated would be as good as the one from enterprise architects!

    cheers,

    Jacob

  55. Jon
    Unhappy

    What absolute rubbish

    The author's assertion that "[a]ll this [symbiotic ephemeralisation, pollination symbiosis] readily occurs as an atomic effort within a deregulated chaotic macro environment" clearly belies the fact that his comprehension of inter-macro-micro-crossarchitected systems, that is to say, an ostensibly chaotic dynamic structure or set or interrelated collection thereof, is, or indeed are, nothing of the sort; rather it is that they exhibit numinous microstatic relationships coupled with a pool of variables of significant volume to give the illusion of dynamism! God!! He so has not done his homework!

  56. Paul
    Alien

    Ever wondered...

    What amanfrommars does for a living?

    Now you know!

    Where is the red planet icon when you need it?!

  57. Sam Therapy
    Thumb Down

    Aggghh! Make it stop!

    Having worked for (hawk, spit) Dixons Group and (hawk, spit) Crapita, I've heard more than my fair share of this corporate bollocks robot speak.

    Kill 'em all, I say.

  58. Mr Larrington
    Black Helicopters

    Is this a wind-up?

    Coz if Jeltes Consulting

    o really exist, and

    o specialise in "Specialist Technology Consultants, Management Consultants, PC Network Design & Implementation, PC Programming, Internet Design"

    one might just possibly expect them to have their own web-site. And I fon't think my Google-Fu is /that/ bad...

  59. Jeffrey Schwartz

    What a crock...

    I boil this down to -

    "If we break everybody into small groups, and have each group work on one aspect of the problem while one guy acts as a moderator, I think we can do the job. "

    The difference between that and the glob-o-text is that someone was being paid a large amount per hour to write the glob.

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    What the...

    Perhaps the writers need to work on this - http://www.idea.gov.uk/idk/core/page.do?pageId=7701430

    This should fast-track a symbiotic relationship with consensual empowerment

  61. archie lukas
    Coat

    NHS business consultants

    This sounds like the NHS business consultants- they simply have no idea - so they use the old adage;

    If you can't baffle them science;

    Baffle them with bullshit.

    Result !!!

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