back to article Need a new set of b*llocks? Try Argos

Those among you looking for a new set of bollocks this Xmas are directed forthwith to Argos, which seems to be the UK's leading 'nad retailer: Argos screen grab showing 798 results for bollocks search Crikey, that's a right load of bollocks and no messing. Argos also does a nice line in crap kids' furniture, or why not try …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well known

    Its well known that the argos site only searches on the first 4 letters of any search term...

  2. AndyB
    Thumb Up

    They also do a nice line in:-

    assholes

  3. Shane Lusby

    4 letters

    Interestingly you get different responses for boll, bollo and bollocks so the first 4 letters theory seems inaccurate.

  4. Ed Yelland
    Jobs Horns

    It's not just the bollocks..

    a search for 'crap products' returns 6 results; 3 of which are listed under "customer service".

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    and yet ....

    Only one cunt.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    I'm surprised at this from Argos

    If this was the Ikea website I wouldn't be, though. After all, I think they probably have an end-table named Crap, a free-standing lamp called Shite and most likely a very nice shelving unit with the charming monicker of Poop.

  7. Bo Pedersen
    Coat

    Bedroom Furniture

    Obviously thats the department we're looking for :)

  8. Eileen Bach

    Lovely Jubbly

    A nice bit of marketing and lots of fun for the family on rainy days.

  9. Des
    Coat

    Don't forget...

    the 14 day money back guarantee if your new bollocks fail to satisfy.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hours of fun...

    Try doing the same on Autotrader.co.uk with the More Search Options -> Keywords

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They do more bollocks that quality

    798 bollocks and only 97 quality!

    http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10001&catalogId=1500000701&langId=-1&searchTerms=bollocks&x=0&y=0

    http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10001&catalogId=1500000701&langId=-1&searchTerms=quality&x=0&y=0

  12. Euan Johnstone

    4 letters eh?

    Obviously they have a lot of Shit then...... A poor substitute for Shite I know but they're definately well stocked.

    I feel very out of the loop as I was completely unaware how Argos' search worked.

  13. Cap'n wotsit
    Thumb Down

    strangely

    they don't have any useless tat, or just plain tat for sale

  14. matthew rose

    Thank god....

    ...theres an even number! :)

  15. Neil
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton

    I did a search for Paris Hilton but it actually returned a real result with a bottle of Paris' perfume.

  16. Alan Davies
    Coat

    I've always said

    Argos was the nuts.

  17. Greg

    @Tony

    IKEA do indeed have some...interesting names. I used to work there, and would grin at the "Kolon" floor mats or the "Fartfull," which I believe was a computer desk. Was always good fun trying to figure out what they'd come up with next, but there is in fact a method behind it. Different categories of item are given different types of name. For example, all desks are bloke's names, IIRC.

  18. Stuart Castle

    Ikea..

    "If this was the Ikea website I wouldn't be, though. After all, I think they probably have an end-table named Crap, a free-standing lamp called Shite and most likely a very nice shelving unit with the charming monicker of Poop."

    Wouldn't suprise me. I saw a shower curtain in there with the name "fuktar"

  19. Krissie
    Happy

    yep... shite it is.

    4 results under customer services for shite. In this worls of outsourcing, lies and statistics, at least they're honest about it!

  20. DirkGently
    Flame

    @Shane

    Not just inaccurate - a load of bollocks.

  21. ryan

    type "minge" and your get a threesome...

    ...The Color Institute Menage A Trois

  22. Alien8n Silver badge
    Alert

    No arsehole?

    A search for arsehole and asshole both returned no results. Explains why it's full of shite really.

    Interestingly a search for "chav jewellery" returns no results either, which is a surprise as I thought that was all the jewellery they sold...

  23. Rogers
    Paris Hilton

    Chav Search

    Given that only a chav would buy from Argos (Elizabeth Duke - need I say more?),

    Argos are obviously smart enought to realise that chav's can't spell, which is why it's doing some sort of mangling of the search, stripping out vowels, S and double letters.

    For instance:

    C*nt -> cnt -> matches count

    Minge -> mng -> Menage (but not Minogue, or Hilton)

    Bollocks -> blck -> Block

    It's funny, but they're just catering for their customer base.

  24. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    @Greg

    "For example, all desks are bloke's names, IIRC"

    ""Fartfull," which I believe was a computer desk"

    ROTFLMAO!!!

  25. Paul
    Unhappy

    Never mind the Bollocks...

    ...there's no Sex Pistols!

    - Sorry, we didn't find a result for SEX PISTOLS

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Re: No arsehole?

    You have to search for 'assholes', plural.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Lost Government Data Disks

    Argos hasn't got them.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Extra IT Angle

    A search for 'naff' just brings up their complete Sat Nav offerings. Remember - spelling and pronunciation probably aren't the strong point of Argos' customers so it's probaly just some phonetic based search system basesd on traditional rhyming chav as in 'oi - av u nicked a sat naff yet?"

    If their search facility hadn't crawled to a near halt this lunchtime (for some inexplicable reason) I'd probably research this some more ...

  29. vale
    Alert

    Dave

    I bought a laptop table for my old job from ikea (dont ask why) and it was called Dave....Dave made me happy, I built him and then tried to adjust his height using his little black knob! But to my horror I broke it off. I felt very bad for a good while...Dave now no longer has his little black knob :(

    DAMN YOUR SHODDY CRAFTSMANSHIP IKEA *sniffs*

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But still no WMDs -- what a relief!

    I did the most important search of all:

    http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10001&catalogId=1500000701&langId=-1&searchTerms=weapons+of+mass+destruction&x=0&y=0

  31. Jason Aspinall
    Happy

    Looking for weapons of mass destruction? Try Tesco :D

    http://direct.tesco.com/search/default.aspx?search=weapons+of+mass+destruction&confirm.x=0&confirm.y=0

    :D

  32. This post has been deleted by its author

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Plenty of 'guff' and 'toss' too, but...

    ..strangely no 'tat' (which is what Elizabeth Duke actually specialises in).

  34. Daniel Beardsall
    Alert

    And...

    They seem to do a good line in 'crap computers'.

    They also reinforce my personal opinion of the Nintendo DS, as it presents me with two of them when I search for 'toss'.

  35. Jeremy
    Stop

    Shame

    I just tried to reserve some bollocks but they don't seem to have them any more. Fortunately they still have seven spare assholes though.

  36. skeptical i
    Coat

    doggie bollocks ...

    ... are at http://www.neuticles.com Apparently too many dogs suffer staggering blows (heh) to their self- esteem after getting neutered, and it's nice to see corporate Amurka rise up to get a grip on the matter.

  37. Daniel B.
    Pirate

    @Jason Aspinall

    That search gave me a Jack Sparrow figure. Didn't know that Pirates are classified as WMD's!

    Arrr matey!!

  38. Tim Lane

    Not at all surprised

    Since I have bought all sorts of bollocks at Argos over the years.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    Argos ends sillyness

    I just went to their website and searched for;

    Bollocks

    Utter shite

    Toe jam

    Winnet

    Belly button fluff

    No results were found for those, but I still got results for crap kids furniture

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