back to article Kung fu monks battle Colombian karate assassins

Our recent piece on the verbal spat between China's kung fu monks and an anonymous gobby net ninja provoked a certain amount of reader speculation as to who might in fact be the meanest kick-ass mutha on the planet. Well, we have a certain amount of clout ourselves down at Vulture Central, and a quick phone call to Don King …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This ain't ovah

    Charles Bronson would smash them into pulp, if he was still alive. In fact, the others would smash themselves into pulp, just to save themselves from being smashed into pulp by Charles Bronson.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pirates

    For the win.

  3. Lickass McClippers

    My vote is cast...

    ...but surely there's one crucial contestant missing ... Jack Bauer ...

  4. Jon Pain

    You're Forgetting Someone

    You forget Jack Bauer....

    He can do *anything* in 24 hours. And he doesn't even need to pee or eat. (or so it seems)

  5. classified

    Naomi Campbell in pirate outfit !

    With bare chest of cause.

  6. iain

    Better still

    Jack Bauer should be on the list.

  7. Chris Taylor

    6% for James Bond ?

    Not good enough. JB has in fact already defeated a Temple full of Shoalin Monks, not to mention Jaws, Odd Job, TMWTGG, Grace Jones, Robert Carlyle (Begby) and he has probably killed more people than seismic activity.

    He has destroyed virtually every vehicle ever invented by the wit of man, why only two nights ago I watched him shoot down a helicopter with hiw walther ppk.

    Frankly he make the rest of the list look embarrasingly mean in there achievements. Have any of the rest ACTUALLY saved the world ...no ... on more than twenty occasions, no I think not.

  8. Marvin the Martian

    Option `other'?

    I'm seriously missing the option `other' [or `otter', of course].

    My money would be on some of the Gracie brothers, given their experience in Vale Tudo [`anything goes'] matches. But they get beaten by Masahiko Kimura.

  9. Bill Coleman

    You forgot

    Miss Piggie... man did she have a mean karate chop! Hiiii Ya! Those monks wouldn't stand a chance.

  10. Tim Parker

    You insensitive clods !

    Where's the CowboyNeal option ?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You missed...

    Jack Bauer.

    You're just gonna have to trust me...

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Chuck Norris FTW!

    Forget Wikipedia, if Chuck Norris wants you know something, he will tell you.

    Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. But he has never cried. Ever.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

    Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

    In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.

    The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

    Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "Thats no glitch."

    Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks arent the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

    Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

    Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

    The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  13. Kev

    Pah!!

    Jack Bauer, James Bond... crappy fiction.

    We want a real hero for our time.... step up John Smeaton!!

    Check out http://johnsmeaton.com/?page_id=42 if you've had your head in the sand!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Definitely Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But what about......

    Michael Esser - the blind German Judo champ & nemesis of muggers everywhere??

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Where's Bill?

    Also, the whole fracking cast of Bill's Harem.

  17. Marc

    Jimmy Bond

    The man doesn't age so he's obviously given time a good kicking. Probably bedded mother nature whilst he was at it too.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pffft.

    Chuck Norris for the win.

    Everyone who's ever fought any battle ever and won has actually been hypnotised by the Chuck-meister. He fought on their behalf and then made everyone believe he wasn't even there.

    Not only the Universes toughest bloke but also, it seems, a modest gent too.

  19. Chizo Ejindu

    Err Hello?!?

    Methinks you are forgetting the one actor/indestructible hardman who can slaughter an entire hospital full of gun-totting bad guys while carrying a baby inside of a half hour before jumping out of a 6th floor window and walking away!

    There is only one Chow Yun-Fat. Accept no substitutes!

  20. Richard

    Bruce Lee ?

    How could you not add Bruce Lee to the chart, hes a legend

  21. Dave

    What about the grand master himself

    All these so called contenders are small fry...

    Bring on Mr Mayagi ! ...

    now if only he knew DImac too he would be invincible (if you get that one, congratulations your as sad as me!)

  22. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No dice

    "Have any of the rest ACTUALLY saved the world ...no ... on more than twenty occasions, no I think not."

    Perhaps not on more than twenty occasions, but Bruce Willis did save the world in "Armageddon". He saved all of life on Earth, whereas Bond has merely saved the majority of human life (in "Moonraker" and "The Spy Who Loved Me"). And Bruce sacrified his own life to do so, which was very sad, and I cried for days.

    I think Bruce also saved the world in "The Fifth Element", possibly even the entire universe, but I find it hard to remember the plot of that film beyond the fact that it involved Milla Jovovich wearing elastic bands.

  24. Richard Mitchell

    Ultimate Showdown

    http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/

  25. Andy Towler

    Who...

    ...the hell is Chuck Norris?

  26. Brian

    @Bruce Lee ?

    As far as I can remember, Bruce Lee is dead which

    a) Would make it difficult for him to fight, and

    b) Highlights his inferiority to Chuck Norris

  27. Ian Ferguson

    Bruce Lee FTW!

    If Bruce Lee was still alive, he would merely have to glare at these pretenders, with a fast pan-in shot on his face, and they would comically run away in fear.

  28. breakfast

    ahem...

    Of course James Bond trained with the Ninjas in "You Only Live Twice" so technically he is a ninja assassin. Would he take himself on?

    My {insert-martial arts style}master wouldn't want to kick your {insert-martial arts style} master's ass- he's a peaceable type.

  29. James Cleveland

    Anyone who votes Chuck Norris

    Is a stupid trendhugging fucktard.

  30. Ross

    Typo

    "...our own homegrown champion - John "Fist of Titanium" Lettice"

    You accidentally put the word Titanium in there.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Chuck Norris FTW!

    Almost certainly lifted from somewhere else, but the post still reduced me to sniggering more loudly than you can get away with in an open-plan office. And it was that kind of uncontrollable giggling which starts other people off for no reason.

    Thank you for the best laugh I've had in ages!

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dimac

    Not only have I read the first book on attack, but the second on ultimate defense. Even with pint of large in hand, I am indestructible ! Bring Chuck on ... we can have a game of allotment golf after I wipe the floor with his sorry arse.

  33. Ivan Headache

    @Marvin the Martian

    I can't see the point of nominating Grace Brothers. Mr Humphreys died this year.

  34. Jason

    @ You've missed something

    "My {insert-martial arts style] master can kick your {insert-martial arts style] master's ass option...

    Every martial arts afficionado that I've ever met is convinced of their Master's | Sifu's | Sensei's invincibility..."

    Thats because, ultimately, Chuck Norris created all the myriad martial arts forms. The only thing that can defeat a Chuck Norris is another Chuck Norris.

    However, Chuck Norris cannot be beaten, even by himself.

    This is known as the Two Chuck Paradox and why Chuck Norris must never be allowed to fight himself. To allow it is to bring about the end of all existance.

    And James "I'm repressed hence my womanising ways" Bond won't be able to do a single thing about it!

  35. Dan

    @Milla Jovovich wearing elastic bands

    I just spilt my drink on my keyboard...

  36. James Condron

    Bruce Schneier

    Its surely an obvious solution? nothing can beat brucie

  37. Graham Marsden

    Re: You've missed someone...

    Where's Paris Hilton???

  38. Matt Thornton

    No man of steel?

    How can Superman not be on that list?

  39. Chris

    Why so many options?

    The only option which should be there is Chuck Norris! Nuf Said!

  40. Brian

    @ @ You've missed something

    Chuck on Chuck eh? I don't think that would be so much of a paradox as it would be one of those Zen Kone things

    "If Chuck dies and there is no one there to see it, does it really happen?"

    or

    "What happens if an unstoppable Chuck meets and imovable Chuck?"

    I can already feel enlightenment pour into my soul.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Aren't there any Geeks here?

    What about Kirk? He kicks interplanetary ass!

    (yeah yeah, you NG types can put wussy Picard in here if you like)

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Vikings!

    nt

  43. Jason

    @@@You've misses something

    "If Chuck dies and there is no one there to see it, does it really happen?"

    or

    "What happens if an unstoppable Chuck meets and imovable Chuck?"

    1st - Only if Chuck wills it so.

    2nd - This happened in the previous Universe prior to the big bang which created this one. The result was the merging of the two to be the unstoppable and imovable Chuck we now how. He's so hard he survived the cataclysmic end of the previous Universe and the start of this one.

    Chuck has already won without fighting in this battle of mortals!

  44. Sebastien Mongrain

    You forgot RUFUS!

    ...He'd server you good...

  45. Chris Dixon

    Mr T.

    You're all deluded. Mr. T can take the lot of them, he's helluva tough

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thwack

    "@Milla Jovovich wearing elastic bands

    By Dan

    I just spilt my drink on my keyboard..."

    I'm sure Milla Jovovich's outfit in The Fifth Element has caused many fluid spills on many keyboards, not all of them drinks...

  47. Ted Treen

    Wot about Prescott???

    John Prescott & Naomi Campbell as a tag team:- One to throw the phones (and anything else) and t'other to eat, grope or screw the opponent(s)...

  48. Steve

    How could you forget

    Jet Li or Jackie Chan. I'd pick them to win in a martial arts showdown.

  49. Qster

    Chuck ftw

    Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

  50. Mahou Saru

    voted chucky boy coz he is

    bruce schneier in disguise!

  51. Robbie Done

    Chuck is the meanest of the mean mo fo's

    Type your comment here — plain text only, no HTML

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And a bit more...

    your forgot Leon from "The Professional".

    the wolf girl from "The Bride With White Hair".

    Ripley from the "Alien" series.

    Steve Buscemi's character in "Things to do in Denver when you're dead".

  53. Ashley Perks

    Forget Jack....

    You need to add John Smeaton to the list!!

  54. Robert Spencer

    There is one.....he is harder than all of them put together......

    that one is....

    Jack Reacher.

    Not only will he decimate them, but he'll pause to tell you how he's doing it at the same time and why his technique works.

  55. Rob

    The biggest omission...

    ...is Godzilla, who would stomp all over all of these without even realizing they're there. Though Chuck Norris may survive and climb up his back, Godzilla is known to be Norrisproof, so at best it's a stand-off.

  56. Pablo Barboza

    You forgot...

    McGiver!

    C'mon... he could use a paper clip and Milla Jovovich's elastic bands to make Chuck kill himself!

  57. NoCo37

    First name Mister, middle name peroid, last name T.

    Why isn't Mr. T on the list?

    Chuck Norris may have tears that cure cancer, but Mr. T beat cancer. That must mean that he made ol' Chuckie cry like the little ***** that he is.

    Mr. T is also the man that "put the 'T' in 'IT'"

    http://youtube.com/profile_videos?user=Verko426&p=r

    Part 1 - Mr. T: The "T" in I.T.

    Part 2 - Mr. T: "T The Trucker"

    Part 3 - T3: MR. T - BATTLE FOR THE SMB

  58. Steve Dulieu

    @ Dave

    ITYM Dimac? and Omally FTW surely.

  59. Sergei Andropov

    No fair

    Why did you make Chuck Norris one of the options? That made it pretty much a foregone conclusion.

  60. Rowan Moore

    So there were two pirate ships......

    ..one had a hold laden with pillaged blue paint, the other had looted shanty inspiring amounts of red paint.

    The two pirate vessels were on an uncontrollable collision course though.

    Do you know what happened?

    They were marooned.

  61. Rose

    How times change

    Fifty years ago - possibly less - one of the options would have been a Typical British Landlady.

    And she would have won.

  62. This post has been deleted by its author

  63. Devraj

    How 'bout Rajni?

    Am I the only desi here or what?

    My money's on Rajnikanth... He's the one who killed two baddies with a blade and a gun having a single bullet :o)

  64. Graham Lockley

    Dimac ??

    "now if only he knew DImac too he would be invincible (if you get that one, congratulations your as sad as me!)"

    Goddamit Im a 10th Dan Master and Im not as sad as you.

    If anyone wants to disagree they will find me down at the Flying Swan in Gods country, ready to take all the posers in the poll on.

  65. teacake

    And where is..?

    ...Jean-Claude Van Damme?

  66. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    pirates

    pirates kick everyones arse, why are they so hard, because the aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee,

  67. Matt Boak

    conan

    clearly arnie is the hardest of them all. whether slaying as a cyborg in the terminator movies, massacring hundreds in the second half of commando, or battling darkside aliens in predator, he slays all comers with a grin on his face and a cheeky quip to send them on their way to the almighty.

    my favourite quote has to be from Conan, describing what's best in his life:

    "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

    Quality.

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    wot no Batfink?

    that is all.

  69. Karl Lattimer

    @Bruce Schneier

    Bruce Schneier knows Alice AND Bobs shared secret.

  70. Dan

    @Pirates

    Quote: pirates kick everyones arse, why are they so hard, because the aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr

    *Fixed* and so very true laddie. There's none what can beat a Pirate arrrrrr

  71. Angus Wood

    Dimac

    Chuck Norris practices Dimac - thats why he is so deadly. He can roundhouse kick through the entire PP Penrose catalogue (including "Death Wears A Snap Brim Fedora" special 'toot covered bindings' edition)

  72. Ammaross

    Shaolin Temple

    One must remember that traditional Kung Fu has been banned from the Shaolin Temple by the Chinese government and the Kung Fu masters forced into exile. The Shaolin Temple now trains in Wushu, an acrobatic form of Kung Fu that has lost the real power of the art.

  73. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Actually, the Wushu Centre

    From "American Shaolin", I gather that most of the Kungfu masters now teach at the Wushu Centre rather than the Shaolin temple.

  74. Nexox Enigma

    Replies!

    The Bruce Schneier stuff @ DC15 was hilarious. I must have read those facts like 18 times. Especially this one:

    "Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it." ( http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2006/08/bruce_schneier.html )

    Nobody thinks that Vin Diesel should be on here?

    Seriously, though, adding Chuck in the competition is more or less unfair to the rest of them, who I wanted to vote for until I read that Chuck was an option.

  75. Brian Wright

    Blade!

    Blade would kick all their butts

  76. TheRuffness

    Bauer likes boys

    I keep hearing a lot about Jack Bauer (whoever he is) but haven't you all forgotten about Captain Scarlet? He is industructable after all

    Also, Batfink had wings of steel and his brilliantly named sidekick Karate. There's no way that Jack Bauer could cope with two of them.

    And He-Man. Although he was a bit of a tit, dressing like some over-sexed wrestling star.

    Actually, even CareBears would kick that Yanks arse

  77. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If Jack Bauer....

    If Jack Bauer were gay, his name would be Chuck Norris!

  78. Jason Harvey

    what?... no "Neo is missing" comments?

    kinda suprised nobody wanted Neo on the list (think The Matrix)

    or maybe Jackie Chan... at least he's good at getting laughs while kicking everyone's ass.

  79. Robert Hill

    At a distance or close up?

    At a distance, take Jason Bourne any day...no one beats a CIA-trained $30MM sniper, although he vs. Bond would be very close. I'll give the edge to Jason because "Ultimatum" was such a damned good movie.

    Up close...close call between Chuck and Leon "The Professional". Depends upon the ground, and if Leon can get a 9mm out in time...

  80. Tim Hoekstra

    There can be only one!

    I'm sorry, but Bruce Campbell is missing from the list!

    The real reason why lemmings jump off a cliff is because it's a better way to die than at the hands of Bruce Campbell.

    Bruce Campbell is so hot, smoke follows him when he enters a room.

    Bruce Campbell is the only person that can kill you twice; once with his chainsaw hand, and then again with his chin.

    The sun sets because Bruce tells it to, except in Alaska because Bruce doesn't like eskimos.

    Bruce Campbell summoned the evil dead because he ran out of dinosaurs.

    More here:

    http://www.brucefacts.com

  81. shigzeo of death and torture

    Chuck Norris did die

    in his first appearance in films versus bruce lee. they fought in the colloseam in italy after the entire mob could not defeat bruce. who then, is this imposter norris who fights on his behalf?

  82. Bob

    Fedor

    That is all.

  83. Greg

    It's quite obviously...

    ...Bruce Willis. And I'm gobsmacked that more people haven't voted for him.

    "Oh, look honey. I've been shot, slashed, beaten, crawled, my chest is a river of my own blood, and there's glass in my feet. Excuse me while I go beat the crap out of someone for ruining my day."

    All the others would have given up and died. Especially that pansy Bond. The minute he realised his hair was out of place he'd have died of shock.

  84. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Missing

    You seem to have forgotten my mother in law. For obvious reasons I will be posting anonymously.....

  85. Jon Tocker

    So many missing

    Musashi, Ace Rimmer, Vinnie Jones...

    Had to choose "Pirates" because there's not a lot the other contenders could do vs a decent cannon salvo and a hoard of screaming murderous brigands armed with swords and primed flintlocks swarming over the deck.

  86. Paul

    What about "anon"

    I’m sure if you go on any message bored it wont take long before you meet someone who is a black belt in every marshal art, Ex SAS and is a trained sniper. They probably also have a mate who was once in a street fight with {insert known hard man here} and won. :-)

  87. InsolentBystander

    Beatrix Kiddo...

    ...game over.

  88. Mark Totton

    Chuck who?

    I remember a Chuck Norris getting killed by Bruce Lee in his first movie - shame he didn't stay dead!

  89. Paul Charters

    Meh

    Blue Steel is so far beyond any of those listed he's in a league of his own.

    Of course, Chuck Norris gets the vote because he's a WoW-ites staple.

  90. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ All the Dimac masters

    Good to see so many Officianodos in 'The way of the sprout' on here!

    Hugo R...

  91. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  92. Adam Targett

    Thank you Tim Parker

    For the /. reference. Something was missing without it.

  93. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anton Blanchard

    Has killed Chuck Norris a couple of times and booted Linux on him.

    http://www.antonblanchardfacts.com

  94. Tim Wesson

    Who forgot Bruce Schneier?

    http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2006/08/bruce_schneier.html

  95. Jay

    I don't think any of you understand

    I didn't come to rescue Rambo from you. I came here to rescue you from him

  96. Derrill

    Ninja assassin(s)

    If you'd said a lone ninja, I'd have voted that way. But everyone knows that ninjas in groups always lose.

  97. Graeme

    ace rimmer

    Ace Rimmer awesome shout lol

    surfboarding a crocodile after jumping out of a plane and

    and landing on two German solders .............class!!

    smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast! xp

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