TERMINATOR PISSFUCKING THREE!
If you read the previous comment thread, you saw this coming.
So, what IS the worst film ever made?
Our piece last week on Eddie Murphy's cinematic train-wreck A Thousand Words - a possible nominee for the worst film ever - had El Reg commentards queuing up to recount their celluloid nightmare experiences. And chilling reading it made, to be sure. Inspired by your litany of cinematic shame, we've decided to run a poll this …
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Tuesday 20th March 2012 13:25 GMT I ain't Spartacus
Re: TERMINATOR PISSFUCKING THREE!
I didn't mind Terminator 3. It wasn't good, but I wasn't bored, and wanting to gnaw my own legs off, just for the distraction. T3 had a few fun moments, and I liked the 'upbeat' ending. It's just mediocre.
The only time that I've even got close to being as bored in a cinema to sitting through T4, was when a mate insisted we see Eraser ('classic' 90s Arnie) - after his birthday curry and several pints. Our entire row fell asleep after about 25 minutes, all except poor me, who can't sleep in a seat.
Just imagine if T3 hadn't existed? You'd have gone into T4, expecting it to be good, and rather than just pissing on your dreams (as T3 did), T4 would have taken a flying leap from a trampoline, done a triple somersault, and then flung a large, malodorous turd upon your dreams, from a great height.
It would be as terrible as if someone like Mel Gibson, would have taken a classic like 'Edge of Darkness', gutted it of all its drama, character, wit and acting talent, and then remade it as a film set in America. And that's a laughably ludicrous idea. No-one would be that stupid!
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:39 GMT thesykes
hmmmm
the worrying thing is ... I have a few of those mentioned sitting on the Sky+ box, ready for me to enjoy... I'm actually looking forward to seeing some on them even more, just to see if they really are that bad.
My nomination... the first 30 minutes of Twilight... I gave up after that... and possibly Blair Witch... maybe it isn't that bad, but after all the hype that preceded me watching it, I was seriuosly underwhelmed.
Oh, and Into The Wild.
And The Ghost (not Ghost, never seen that).
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:44 GMT Stuart Castle
Three for me.
In order of release:
The Grifters: Badly written story with unbelievably unlikeable (and badly written) characters that were badly acted. And I normally like this style of film.
Se7en: Good first half, then becomes totally predictable. I actually predicted the ending halfway through my first viewing. I can't believe anyone didn't.
Avatar: Looks pretty. Sounds good. Good use of 3d. However, it could lose about 2 hours of footage without losing any actual story. Bought the blu ray to see if my opinion was affected by the fact that the power failed for 40 minutes in the middle of the film when I saw it at the IMAX, and they locked us in. It wasn't. Watched the blu ray once, and haven't been tempted to again.
An honourable mention should go to anything directed or written by (apart from Toy Story) M Night Shymalan. I kept watching his films for a while to see if they improved, but he cannot (IMO) write believable characters.
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Monday 19th March 2012 22:35 GMT Cpt Blue Bear
Charlie's Angels!
Dear God! I haven't seen the sequel but the first has to be a candidate. It's so bad that if I never see Cameron Diaz's arse, Drew Barrymore's tits or any of Lucy Lu again it will be a million years too soon. Bill Murray phoned his performance in (from an all night bar by the look). Fortunately, I saw it on a free ticket or I'd have been really pissed.
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:49 GMT Notas Badoff
Blind me! Blind me NOW!
Nightfall (1988)
Billed as "The greatest science-fiction story ever told", yes, it was, really, but then it was *filmed* by... I have not the words sufficiently maleficent.
Walking out witnessed one fellow surrounded by 4 of his recently ex-friends whining "sorry guys..."
BTW: large birds pecking out the eyes of a living person might stroke some viewers' happy place, but most of us were pleading for pain-alleviating blindness much before that scene.
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:52 GMT Anonymous Coward
'War of the Worlds'
The Spieberg version
For numerous crimes including:
Starring Tom Cruise trying to be all serious
Regulation voice of god voiceover by Morgan Freeman
Setting it in modern America for no very good reason at all
Reusing a perfectly good scene from 'Jurassic Park' but with worse effects
Where no soldier dies on screen despite losing all the battles
The most slappable child actor in history (the boy)
Dakota 'MY EARS!' Fanning for two hours of dialogue that can be summarised as 'AAAAAAAAAAAAH"
A bloody horrible movie from start to its very protracted ending.
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:57 GMT Dan Caugherty
Manos, the Hands of Fate - or - Monster A Go Go
Another MST3K fan chiming in for Manos, the film that answers the question: "What kind of horror film would a west Texas fertilizer salesman make?"
The answer: A really really bad one.
What blew my mind about the film was not just that it was so awful (and such ripe MST3K material). It was that, yes, an entire hour of footage was deleted by the MST crew in order for it to be shown. (Yes, the consarned thing runs for over 2 hours.)
And Monster A Go Go is just pathetic tedium from start to finish. Also jaw-droppingly terrible.
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:57 GMT NickT666
The Roller Blade Seven
All of the above are cinematoc gold compared to the experience that is "The Roller Bade Seven". Honestly, you've got to see this to believe it. It's so utterly shocking that my girlfirend actually had a row with me about making her watch it and stormed off. Don't get me wrong, I like crappy B Movies, but at best this is a despicable excuse for a film. The main gang dont wear roller blades, and there arent seven of them. By far and away the worst film I've ever seen, and I've seen such gems as "Surf Nazi's Must Die", "Vampires vs. Zombies" and "The Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell" (yes, really) ...... Watch it if you dare - they even made two sequels!!!
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:58 GMT Anonymous Coward
Really really bad!
"Zombie Strippers" with a title like that you KNOW it's gonna be pretty bad. but this turkey exceeded all expectations for stupid plot, idiotic dialogue and abysmal acting, if ti wasn't for the nudity I wouldn't have survived the first reel.
If you do feel the need to watch this first ensure you are too drunk or stoned to inflict violence on your viewing equipment.
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Monday 19th March 2012 17:19 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: Really really bad!
That film is amazing! (for all the wrong reasons).
I particularly liked the attempts at social commentary. I watched the DVD extras (I borrowed it, I promise) and thought it was hysterical how the cast all seemed to think it was a serious work of art (either that or they are spectacularly good actors, but felt the need to hide it for the main feature).
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Tuesday 20th March 2012 08:52 GMT cliveski
Re: Hmmmm...
"If you didn't have 'The Phantom Menace' in there I might think you'd misunderstood the question."
No, I just have weird ideas of what makes a good film I guess! Those are all movies I had to stop watching after 20 mins (with the exception of Secret of My Success for nostalgic reasons!). I have enjoyed far worse films - "Brother Where Art Thou" and "Withnail and I" are two of my faves for instance :-)
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Monday 19th March 2012 16:58 GMT Marty
OMG, the list is endless of films that can qualify for the worst film ever...
you could categorise them for why they failed.... for example Jaws 3 & 4, some of the WORST special effects ever... so bad it makes the entire film a joke.... Jaws 1 is still one of the greatest films ever.
then you have got a movie like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, It tried so hard, but the original was such a classic that a remake had a hard job to live up to, it was only ever going to be terrible to a fan of the original.. so you can make a collection of bad remakes, or remakes that never should have been made.
then you have got the moveis that just self indulgent twaddle... eyes wide shut, I am looking at you...
then you can look at the ones that are poor because the budget wasn't there to make it good, I can think of a few movies that the script was good, but the poor acting and crappy filming made it bad, imagine a film like "the usual suspects" take out hte incredible line up of actors and replace them with your typical "b" movie cast. imagine how crap it would be if you had Barry Williams play Verbal Kint and Jamie Kennedy as Dean Keaton? imagine If they made the godfather movies with Tony Danza instead of Al,
again, some movies can be made bad by throwing money and hollywood at it... Take Mad Max for instance. Austrailian movies have never really been taken seriously, but the original Mad max movie was in a class by itself. Mad Max 2, followed on quite well, but ffs, beyond thunderdome, with all the backing of hollywood, that polished all the grit out of it and made it possibly one of the worst movies ever...
you have a bunch of movies, supposed to be based on historic events but bend the facts so bad that the truth becomes an out and out lie... you have a movie like U571, that Hollywood will have you believe it was because of the yanks the enigma machine was cracked. Not even a nod to Alan Turing or Bletchley park was made...Take a look at pearl harbour, so many historical inaccuracies totally destroy the authenticity of it all, add to that the movie Titanic for the same reasons..
too much meddeling... look at the starwars franchise. back in the day, gotta be one of the all time best films. until george lucas went back and started "fixing" things to how he originally intended. fair enough, once... but there has to be 4 or 5 revisions now... LEAVE IT ALONE. and please let me try to forget "the phantom menace"...
so, the worst move ever has to combine, crap script, both not enough and too much budget, crap acting, scrap camera work, crap editing, crap continuity.... it needs all of the above to make an improvement,,,
for my worst movie ever, my vote goes big time to Mega Piranha ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1587807/ )
they didn't have enough budget for a good cast, but had enough that they splashed out on some expensive looking animatronics, but ran out of cash for the CGI... The script was so cheesy, you could smell it... the camera work was as wobbly as the script.. It was so bad it went past funny to painful to watch...
I'll get my coat, because something stinks around here...
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Monday 19th March 2012 19:29 GMT Sean Timarco Baggaley
@Marty:
"then you have got a movie like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, It tried so hard, but the original was such a classic that a remake had a hard job to live up to"
Er, no it didn't. All it had to do was bear more resemblance to the book than that godawful Technicolor version. That saccharine "Disney Lite" 1970s excrescence was an insult to both the eyes and the intelligence.
The remake was a lot closer to Roald Dahl's original book, which, like all fairy tales, was supposed to be dark and twisted! About the only thing Tim Burton added was the 'flags of nations' gag and the Willy Wonka back-story with his dentist father. It makes the character more likeable. Tim Burton and Roald Dahl were a very good fit.
(I could have done without Johnny Depp playing Wonka though. He doesn't have much range as an actor.)
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Monday 19th March 2012 17:00 GMT Richard 45
Well, you did ask
Anything that Channel 5 broadcast. Other than that, in increasing order of crappiness:
Remake of The Italian Job (Mr Napster jumps in front of the camera, blows a raspberry straight down the camera, then hops off again). Utter drivel.
Remake of War of the Worlds.
51st State (completely taken up by Samuel L. Jackson wondering how the hell he got himself into such a god-awful film)
Human Traffic (billed as "the last great British film of the 90s" - it wasn't)
The the absolute star, possibly *the* worst film I've ever suffered is a Canadian Sci-fi film, so you can probably guess how bad it is. Earth Storm http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491764/
They didn't even bother to simulate zero G for the space shuttle, nor invent artificial gravity. The inside of the shuttle looked like someone's shed, probably because it actually was someone's shed. Sci-fi without any shred of science. Acting straight of the Ikea Academy of Undramatic Art. Plot holes bigger than the Grand Canyon.
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Monday 19th March 2012 17:07 GMT Nick Ryan
* Impossible Mission 1, 2, etc (bugger all relation to the series)
* Gor - 1 and 2, somehow the 2nd was worse, not sure how - must have been through just reusing clips from the first film. So bad they're almost good.
* Star Wars Episode I, II and III.
* Twighlight (1, 2 and 3) - just used "special power" crutches for plot and 2 and 3 are nothing more than remakes of number 1 with pretty much the same "plot"
* Animals United - a host of "stars" were utterly unable to rescue this
* Titanic - it sinks, end of film, done with the whiny singing and wooden acting yet?
* Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - shits'n'giggles it's so bad with green lights and lockers to simulate a bridge on a ship / sub / etc.
* The Chronicles of Riddick - at least Pitch Black made a little bit of sense, but this one was just conan remade in space. Badly.
* Fast & Furious (all of them). They remade this? Why? But then could generally include anything starring Vin Diesel in this list...
* The Patriot - but again, pretty much anything with Segal in it could be in this list as well
* Stargate (1994) - dull, dull and just dumb. The series was better though
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Monday 19th March 2012 17:10 GMT Daniel B.
The Doom Generation
Someone made my brain recall this. I was fooled into believing this was either a Natural Born Killers type of movie, some corny reference to the Doom videogame or something like that. It isn't. The whole thing turns boring 20? 25? Minutes in and nevr really recovers.
In fact, the ending *improves* the movie because at least something happens!
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