back to article No, seriously, why are you holding your phone like that?

I don't like to do it sideways. I won't do it at any fancy angle. Call me conventional but what can I say? I'm a straight-talking kind of guy. How hard does it have to be to get a firm grip on it… and hold it against the side of your face? Oh right. Put that yoga manual down, you might have misunderstood my meaning. I was …

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Re: "get"

twat: I'm good.

Alternative:

Twat: Are you good?

Person: How can I possibly answer that?

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Re: "get"

Twat: Are you good?

Person: How can I possibly answer that?

"I'm normally fairly well behaved, thank you"

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Re: "get"

twat: "can I get a latte?"

It may be apocryphal, but I like the story of the sign in the coffee shop:-

A latte, please - £2

Can I get a latte? - £3

Gimme a latte - £4

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ...why are you holding your phone like that?

"The problem is the subtitles which are all too often unreadable."

Just watched it on iPlayer. The subtitles were good - with none of the typo's you often see on iPlayer's optional subtitles. There were a few Finnish words that I recognised eg the city name "Turku" was repeated several times in quick succession. The subtitle appeared first - so I had the chance to listen for the recognised word the same number of times in the verbal stream. My pedantic interest was whether she actually said the Finnish name "Turku" or the Swedish-Finnish name "Åbo".

Many Finns of that generation learned English as a second language at school. My Finnish friends - from the 1970s and their children now - all speak English fluently. The programme was presumably made for Finnish TV - with an international audience as a secondary potential.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ...why are you holding your phone like that?

To be really pedantic, would English not be the third language that the Finns learned at school? (The second being Swedish or Finnish, depending on the linguistic background of the individual.)

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FAIL

Re: "get" - I'm good

Nice to know that the entire population of NZ are twats by your rules.

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Re: "get" - I'm good

Australia seems to think so.

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Re: "get"

"I'm normally fairly well behaved, thank you"

Ah, but you're implying you have a shared scale of values with the person who asked. Only if you do are you able to provide an assessment meaningful to them.

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Trollface

The Dabsy

Extending the range of "Farting in your general direction"

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Re: The Dabsy

This thought occurred to me too, if they (France) win the world cup, the wind direction is currently unfavourable to us.

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Sweaty

I first noticed this style of use about four years ago, the user was our very gay HR guy, I thought he was just trying to be different then I noticed a ot of people doing it.

A Spanish mate explained that holding the screen to your face could activate apps, he apparently had a conversation with his girlfriend while studying her earwax.

Maybe the warmer climate generates more facial sweat which in turn makes the face more reactive with smart phone screens.

Being English, I hold my end up, hearing end to the ear, speaking end to my jaw.

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Re: Sweaty

"holding the screen to your face could activate apps"

If that's happening, it's because the proximity detector is broken and the phone is in need of repair or replacement.

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Re: Sweaty

Some cheapies don't have them, but it's rare nowadays.

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WTF?

Smart meter installation engineers in France have been given unprecedented legal rights to enter private properties without permission, break open locked energy meter cabinets and fine citizens who deny them access.

I don't know about countries outside Europe --- like America, where private companies are given rights governments are not --- but in Britain I'm utterly certain anyone connected with electricity ( or gas etc. ) supply, governmental or utility, retains a complete right to enter your properties, examine/remove/alter your meters, and do anything necessary: all without warrants.

A little thought will reveal why this tyrannical overreach is a necessity.

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Anonymous Coward

Spain is like France with one difference - the percentage of the population who actually give a toss about it is far smaller.

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in Britain I'm utterly certain anyone connected with electricity ( or gas etc. ) supply, governmental or utility, retains a complete right to enter your properties, examine/remove/alter your meters, and do anything necessary: all without warrants.

Only in an emergency, otherwise they need consent or a warrant:

Rights of Entry (Gas and Electricity Boards) Act 1954

1 Restriction on exercise of rights of entry.

(1) No right of entry to which this Act applies shall be exercisable in respect of any premises except—

(a) with consent given by or on behalf of the occupier of the premises, or

(b) under the authority of a warrant granted under the next following section:

.

Provided that this subsection shall not apply where entry is required in a case of emergency.

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Is all this bitterness the consequence of the World Cup semi-finals results? ^^

The traditional way of holding a phone has a strange side effect with my physical configuration: I tend to launch unexpected actions with my ear during a phone call. It's the downside of having Buddha-like ears...

That's why I use more and more the new way of holding it with the speaker on (when I'm alone, of course): no more side effects!

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you likely have something wrong with your tilt switches (accelerometer my ass), not your ears.

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Paris Hilton

Say Mr. Dabbsy, anyone ever tell you...

...your stubbly self looks a wee bit like Detective Miller from The Expanse?

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Monkey see, monkey do

I first saw this way of holding a phone on TV shows such as The Apprentice. I assumed it was dictated by the programme makers, who are keen to capture every nuance of emotion betrayed by facial expression, for the purpose of not obscuring the faces of the participants. As is so often the case, it was then mindlessly aped by the legions of proles who love a good affectation. I haven't been to foreign parts since before smartphones were a thing so I'm speaking from a position of having seen it frequently here in Blighty for several years. FWIW I think they look like idiots.

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Re: Monkey see, monkey do

That's my theory as well. TV shows/movies have long shown people using phones in hands free mode. It's an easy fix to get the audience in on both sides of the conversation. On a related note, there are some neat tricks used to show SMS/text conversations, e.g. miniature speech bubbles. Between the the "bad example" set by media, and "cell phone radiation fries your brain", I can see such silly habits developing.

Side point... (cold(er)) glass against your face is probably less tactilely pleasant than warm(er) plastics. Add in the occasional flakey proximity sensors to the mix.

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Re: Monkey see, monkey do

"Add in the occasional flakey proximity sensors to the mix."

The proximity sensor on my last smart phone was permanently flaky, it always thought it was pressed against my face. Which made it tricky to hang up after phone calls, I had to pull the battery. Luckily the phone had a removable battery, and I rarely have phone calls anyway.

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Re: Monkey see, monkey do

This! I believe the reason was that the 'contestant' could talk into the mic and the sound operator's boom mic above them would pick up the sound from the speaker better. How is it even cool to be on The Apprentice let alone to PRETEND to be - Donald Trump presented it in the US FFS!

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Re: Monkey see, monkey do

"FWIW I think they look like idiots."

But being idiots they don't know that.

That's the trouble with us, we're too reserved. A bit of pointing and laughing would do them a power of good.

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Re: Monkey see, monkey do

"I assumed it was dictated by the programme makers, who are keen to capture every nuance of emotion"

Coudn't be. "The Apprentice" doesn't do nuance.

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m-k

re. why are you holding your phone like that?

you might laugh, I might quote the beeb:

"It can be how quickly do you type the keys, are you holding the device in your right or left hand. How an individual uses a device acts as a second layer of identity and a different kind of fingerprint."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-44438808

Think BIG (data!) Think all the TERRORISTS we can catch now (which politician's not going to bite this!), because we know that when they hold their phone with their right hand, they tilt it at this unique angle. Think of the CHILDREN too (Crapita certainly does!). Is your dahling really working hard with that pen, or is he / she dicking around, literally? There's an app to verify that (soon, if not yet).

p.s. is the way you're holding your phone covered by the GDPR? Spooks and your local council don't want to know, they already do.

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I attribute this "hold the phone flat, talk into the bottom, have speakerphone on" thing to The Apprentice. In said TV extravagana, you would typically see all the little proto twa... I mean, developing business people... in their team-taxi zooming around Lahndan moaning at some remote, lost team member via a 'speakerphone' call on their team mobile so that everyone in the taxi and the entire bloody nation could hear what's going on. F*ck that sh*t.

[EDIT: someone beat me to the same post :-) ]

SB

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Windows

addressing the communion plate.

I attribute it to Catholicism, but then, I was scarred for life as a child.

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Re: addressing the communion plate.

You're lucky scarring was all the Catholic church did to you as a child.

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Anonymous Coward

Engie's linky

"Worse, they fear the energy companies will collaborate with the government to send consumers text messages telling them to turn their thermostats down and put on a jumper instead."

That's in no way the worse ! The suckers are gonna cut off remotely people who are exactly 4 hours late in the last payment and cap consumption for ease of management of the network.

They may send an SMS prior to that, indeed. Like 2 mins before :)

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Apparently, idiots hold their phones like this, because they have seen it done this way on tripe like The Apprentice, not realising that the 'contestants' have been told to do it this way so that the studio mics can pick up both sides of the staged phone conversations.

edit - apologies to the two posters above who beat me to it!

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Trollface

Seeing as how Mr. Dabbs left me not much to add on how a phone should be held properly in the modern world, I choose instead to signal my profound uniqueness and originality by disrupting customs tied to another device: the humble old infrared remote control. See, lots of misguided people seem to think you point these directly at your device of interest - which is just so horribly wrong. The correct way is obviously to hold them vertically in front of you, beaming your invisible rays straight up. Of course, some might argue that not only does this make seeing what button you want to press a lot easier but it also makes reception much more reliable for the IR sensor laying flat on top of my HTPC (with a splendid view of my blank ceiling more than happy to reflect all that IR goodness, especially considering my blanket would often obscure a direct view between it and my bed) - but that's not the real reason, clearly. Vertical is simply the proper way of doing that sort of thing these days...

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Headmaster

How much flat has it laid?

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Happy

Awww shucks, you got me. Next time I feel vague discomfort about a word I write maybe I should actually look it up...

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Anonymous Coward

last photo

I presume the last photo is the trumpian way of talking on the phone, only way anyone would hear the shit he talks....

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Those who play music and videos, loudly, on public transport without headphones should:

a) Be publically flogged; and

b) Have said device surgically installed into their anus.

I've come close to a few actual fights - but the twats always back down unfortunately.

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Those who play music and videos, loudly, on public transport

My eldest travels to school on a bus where one of his schoolmates is in the habit of playing (bad) music loudly on a Bluetooth speaker.

Eldest thus took it upon himself to load up his phone with all sorts of "worthy" choonz (everything from Fleetwood Mac and Abba right on to Thomas the Tank Engine) and hijack the BT speaker as often as possible.

He's been doing this all year, and the miscreant still hasn't twigged and seems to think there's something wrong with his speaker...

M.

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Eldest thus took it upon himself to load up his phone with all sorts of "worthy" choonz (everything from Fleetwood Mac and Abba right on to Thomas the Tank Engine) and hijack the BT speaker as often as possible

Do it right. The complete Ring cycle. That should cover a good few school trips. Or 4'33" for shorter trips.

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Agreed. And I'll add to that list people who insist on using the speakerphone function on their cell phone while they're in public.

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Dead giveaway

It should be a dead giveaway that they are doing it wrong when they have to turn the volume up to maximum to hear the phone when its flat to their face like they are trying to eat the phone.

I told a chap in the office to turn it down the other day, when he was sat opposite me on max volume holding a conf. call for a while. I pointed out where the mic and speaker was and why its traditional to hold it flat to your face.

The response - I keep getting new phones as the speaker keeps breaking.Well, there's a surprise when you run it flat out on calls rather than holding it in the expected manner.

Perhaps phones should come with an instruction manual or "how to hold your phone" poster.

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Re: Dead giveaway

"how to hold your phone" poster.

I saw one of those once in a large open plan office. Apparently a few twats were annoying about 50 other people.

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Anonymous Coward

It's well weapon

What you complainin' about Dabbsy, I always hold my Wasp T12 Speechtool like that.

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It's obfiously a variation on Nokia's Side Talking

Remember the N-Gage?

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/sidetalking-n-gage

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Re: It's obfiously a variation on Nokia's Side Talking

Was just thinking about this the other day, side talking for n-gage was bad, but seems that if you don't hold your phone like platter the audio is crap these days.

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Question?

Not being a Smart Phone owner myself how does everyone else cope with earwax, skin grease, snot, drool and pubic hair?

I suppose having mentioned pubic hair then I should include genital excretions and, thanks for the lead Mr Dabbs, dingleberries?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Question?

Pubic hair? Umm, you’re supposed to put your phone in your pocket, not inside your underpants!

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Re: Question?

I usually take both sets down when snapping a few knob pictures.

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My phone has an unfortunate habit of disconnecting when held to my ear because it assumes my ear is pressing the red disconnect button, it also has the weakest speaker I've ever heard so if its not on speaker phone and I'm in even light traffic then the other person cannot be heard at all.

I do try and use headphones and then hold the phone like a mic at a gig (upside down of course) as much as possible but sometimes the headphones go walkies so I'm forced to have a speaker phone conversation.

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"so I'm forced to have a speaker phone conversation."

An interesting conclusion. If I had that problem with my phone, I'd conclude that I'm forced to get a new phone.

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Light Traffic

So if its not on speaker phone and I'm in even light traffic then the other person cannot be heard at all.

Dude... You may not know but faffing about with your mobile phone whilst driving qualifies you for a stupid award plus your local Constabulary might slap you with an on the spot fine and put a couple of points on your license.

YMMV if you are not in the UK.

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