back to article Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

Hungry punters fed up with over-priced, under-sized artisan sausage rolls will be pleased to hear a foot-long (30.48cm) meat feast has now arrived costing, um, £1. Even poncey Southerns will be able to get their hands on the snack. Everybody who enjoys eating like they have a death wish can head to their nearest Morrisons as …

Waiting for Greggs' to fire their opening salvo...perhaps, a one square foot cheese and onion pasty for forty five pence!! It's roll-wars!!

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I still have dreams/nightmares of the 24" pizzas the local take-away did which we subsisted on when doing overtime some years ago.

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Mushroom

The problem with the Greggs cheese and onion pasty is that the bigger they make it, the hotter the inside will be, when you try and eat it.

So there's a size limit after which the cheese-like substance in the middle will hit the critical threshold and achieve fusion.

Which is brilliant if it happens and solves the world energy crisis. But not so great if I've just bitten into it and it's gone all over my tongue...

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Re: achieve fusion

They don't need any fancy reactors for that, I'm sure I've managed it with cheese and pickle in a Breville machine.

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"So there's a size limit after which the cheese-like substance in the middle will hit the critical threshold and achieve fusion."

This is actually how the civilisation on the Moon was wiped out.

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Re: achieve fusion

Ah, the deadly ' fresh from the breville,' toasty, been there, done that but with added ham, the molten cheese and pickle nicely boiled my tongue while the ham was dragged out of the rest of the sandwich a d neatly flapped down my chin burning everything it, touched.

I looked terrible for about a fortnight, got a lot of remarks like ' what have you been licking'.

I won' t touch anythi g out of a Breville type toaster until it has been on the plate for a few minutes preferably cut open.

Once burned.......

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Re: achieve fusion

That's why the correct dose of toasties is 2. You cook number one and plate it up, cutting it in half. Then you cook toastie 2. At the point this hits the plate, and is cut in half, then and only then are you allowed to consumer toastie 1.

Unless you've foolishly put tomatoes in it, or made the awesome (but deadly) jam toastie. In which case, give it another hour.

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Re: achieve fusion

Or the baked beans toastie - bank on having replacement skin surgery and lots of painkillers for the roof of your mouth (or what's left of it)

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A "cheese-like substance" - I think you're being pretty generous with your description there. I doubt it has been anywhere close to a dairy producing mammal during its life cycle.

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Mushroom

Re: achieve fusion

"They don't need any fancy reactors for that, I'm sure I've managed it with cheese and pickle in a Breville machine."

What? Cold fusion? True and proper hot fusion can only be achieved by placing a jam sandwich in a sandwich toaster.

(EDIT: I see the Hot Fusion Jam Toastie has been mentioned already)

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Mushroom

Re; Once burned....

@ChrisG, you'll already know not to put tomato in a Cheese Toastie, Breville or not.

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Wonder how much %age of actual meat in there? probably mostly offal and fat. Also wonder how the animals are raised, at this price it must be factory farming; probably american and pumped full of estrogen and other hormones. Good times.

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It's unlikely to be american because of tarrifs on food imported into the EU.

It's also a traditional British sausage, so meat quality is not an issue to be concerning yourself with. I'm sure it's made with nearly 100% pig product, and that's all you need to know sunshine.

To be fair, they haven't called it the Morrison's Finest Organic Wholefood Farm-Assured Superfood Sausage Roll.

So it seems rather pointless to moan about how it's not the world's finest quality food product. There are times when a lovingly produced and expensive food is what you want, and there are times when something that's big cheap and hot just hits the spot. Like at a football match in freezing December rain.

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Offal and fat

You're trying really hard to spoil this for people aren't you?

Well stop it!

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> Wonder how much %age of actual meat in there?

It's a sausage roll. Questions about meat content should therefore be filtered out for continued sanity.

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What's the betting the guy behind this is called Claude Maximillian Overton Transpire Dibbler?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Offal and fat

AKA: Lips and anus.

The filler meat of choice for such 'delights' like hot dogs, etc...

Still, I've never met a sausage roll I didn't like.

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Anonymous Coward

My former partner worked in accounts payable for a factory that produced sausages and processed invoices for "head meat" whatever that may be.

I for one do not mind and will eat them regardless. It's all about reward versus risk.

I suggest avoiding mechanically separated meat in your search engine.

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"What's the betting the guy behind this is called Claude Maximillian Overton Transpire Dibbler?"

Nope, if you look at the ingredients on this pede-tastic sausage roll it says it actually contains pork, not "30% something vaguely meat-like that has been within at least 3 feet of a pig."

Cut-Me-Own-Throat's offerings are to be found not in the pies section, but in the next isle, right next to the buns...

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Re: Offal and fat

AKA: Lips and anus.M

Well I've heard that sausages are made out of lips and arseholes.

But personally, I think it's just bollocks...

[gets coat, wanders off looking guilty.]

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Re: Offal and fat

Someone actually served me pigs testicles dipped in breadcrumbs once (without having the grace to tell me what they were first).

When he asked me if I liked them, I said yes (which I did) and then he told me what they were. He was most disappointed* that I asked for more as they were that nice.

*If he'd known I'd watched Cannibal Holocaust as a child whilst eating Strawberry Jam on toast he'd have realised I wasn't sqeamish :)

Once, at a chicken-grab in Saudi, I ate a 'meat parcel'; turned out to be a sheeps eyeball, which I worked out for myself whilst I was wondering what the 'smartie' was that I was crunching on :)

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Re: Offal and fat

"...Once, at a chicken-grab in Saudi, I ate a 'meat parcel'; turned out to be a sheeps eyeball, which I worked out for myself whilst I was wondering what the 'smartie' was that I was crunching on :)"

Cheap, and they'll see you through the week

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Anonymous Coward

At Spartacus, re: big cheap and hot.

Leave my ex out of this!

*COUGH*

Gotta go, I hear someone pounding on the front door...

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Like at a football match in freezing August rain.

FTFY to make it more topical after todays typical summers day.

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Anonymous Coward

The men all say it's a foot long.

Their wives tell a different story.

You've all heard the joke I'm sure about why women's "depth perception" is so bad, right" Where you hold your hands about five or six inches apart and explain:' because for their whole life they've been told "this is eight inches."'

When I told this joke at a party many years ago, an attractive European blonde didn't get it. Thinking quickly, I retold the punchline as "this is twenty centimeters" and she got it instantly.

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Re: The men all say it's a foot long.

Was she impressed with your speed?

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Re: The men all say it's a foot long.

"...she got it instantly..."

Fnarr, fnarr!!!

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Re: The men all say it's a foot long.

and the time distortion issue... Honey that was 20 minutes easy....

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Re: The men all say it's a foot long.

Gotta go slow. Perceived length shortens the faster you go. (Einstein)

(and you definitely want neither red shift nor blue shift!)

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Obligatory...

We can't escape politics, even when discussing nectar and ambrosia.

This either indicates

a) how the innovative spirit of Britain will triumph after the B-thingy and will be a key part of our strategy for a trade agreement with Saudi, Pakistan, Indonesia and a host of other mainly-Muslim countries.

b) an example of what we will have to feed a family of four on for a week after B-thingy. Get used to it.

I'm not sure which. But the idea does sound wonderful. I shall pop down to Morrisons today! Now, does it go best with tea, coffee or beer?

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Re: Obligatory...

Given the nature of the pastry, I'd keep it dry.

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Re: Obligatory...

Beer or tea I think. Depending upon time of day and temperature.

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Re: Obligatory...

key part of our strategy for a trade agreement with Saudi, Pakistan, Indonesia and a host of other mainly-Muslim countries

Ah yes - those nations well known for enjoying large amounts of pork-based[1] products..

[1] In the early days of Israel, kibbutz-owners wanted to keep pigs for their non-kosher following members. After being denied licences, they started to call them zebra farms. They knew, and the beaurocrats knew what they meant but at least it preserved the polite fiction that no-one was keeping p*gs..

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Meh

Don't tell the Yanks

that the wiener wrap was tried again... and looks to fail?

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Re: Don't tell the Yanks

wiener wrap"

Is that a euphamism for an extra small condom? Or do they think that's a "regular"?

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They all pale into in significance when compared to the mighty Dragons Egg by Monty Pieman. Sadly, they haven’t made it in a while - but it’s a Scotch Egg with the egg replaced with a delicious mash of chillies. I don’t know exactly which varieties they use - but I’m a bit of a chilli-head and, when I first had one (last year), it definitely gave me a bit of the chilli-sweats. Superb effort. I’ve had quite a few since - and now I miss them because they haven’t made them in a while. I doubt that this footlong will make an acceptable substitute.

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That's appalling! A true scotch egg can be a thing of joy. It shouldn't be messed with.

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Trollface

The only reason to eat a scotch egg is to stop it from hatching.

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Trollface

Scotch Egg?

Is that what haggis farms hatch them from?

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Re: Scotch Egg?

Och Aye!

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@Pen-y-gors

I submit to no-one in my love for the Scotch Egg - with a dab of tomato sauce. But this isn't a Scotch Egg - it's a Dragon's Egg, which is something different and wonderful. I have a place in my heart for both, just as I enjoy stews and curries, hot dogs and sausage rolls.

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A chap in the Morrison's line

found a thing in his hand all sublime

just a foot of pink meat

in a crust fit to eat

and the girls found it all rather fine

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Thumb Up

Upvoted for channelling Pam Ayres. As she'd have written now: .net one, purl one.

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Happy

" Pam Ayres. As she'd have written now: .net one, purl one."

Surely that should be: .net one; perl one?

PS Sorry for calling you Shirley!

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I've just bought one

My local Morrisons is a very short walk away so I now have half of one on a plate by my side. (I'll have the other half with my lunch.) Overall length is 13" of pastry so I'm sure it's a foot of sausage inside. It's 3" wide and 2" high. The 'sausage' is actually a 1" diameter rod of uncased sausage meat so it's a bit roomy inside, though it's nicely formed overall. It's not the best quality meat or the best pastry but what can you expect for £1?

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Happy

Re: I've just bought one

That's some top quality research done right there. I congratulate you.

Now can you tell me which iPad model is the tastiest?

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Pint

Re: I've just bought one

How many of these --->>

would we need to wash it down?

And please give us regular updates throughout the day, or we will begin to worry about after-effects.

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Re: I've just bought one

Lunchtime today, sold out by the time I got there.

So, have their balti pasty instead. I'll have another go tomorrow, earlier.

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Re: I've just bought one

That's not a pasty, that's an abomination.

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Re: I've just bought one

I quite enjoy the odd abomination.

Today I find the calorie count for the footlong sausage roll is 1650

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